Hi,
My name is Stephanie and a friend of mine has refered me to come over here because I am having some problems with my hubby.

We have been married since last Feb. and been together for about 2 1/2 years. For about the last month and a half we have been bickering more than usual. It's not that we fight much, but lately we have been. I didn't really think to much of it, but this weekend was horrible. I have been hanging out with a new friend who is single. She made some comments and my H and I have been fighting since. He has a problem with his size and not being able to make me happy in bed. I have never said anything negative about it and he now insists that because he can't satisfy me I will leave him for someone else. He claims that he saw it in me that night my friend and I were hanging out. I have never had sex with anyone else and I don't ever want to. He claims that because I am not as experienced I will want to be with someone else. I've told him that's not true, but he just says that I'm not being honest with myself. I have made lots of suggestions, one being counceling, but he turns everything down for one reason or another. I've told him that I am willing to do anything it takes to make things better between us, but it still doesn't seem to be good enough.

My other concern is that for about the last month or 2 he has been talking about this girl that is related to one of his coworkers. She stops by all the time and now she's calling him. He is inviting her to go out with us to car meets and even to his family BBQs. I may be way off about this, but I just see that he really likes her.

Normaly I wouldn't be here spilling my heart, but he is talking about us not lasting and it seems he has lost all commitment to me. I would really appreciate any help and I'm sorry about the spelling.

-Steph

Welcome Steph - I recommend you browse around this site and absorb as much as you can about Marriage Building in general. Learn the concept of the "love bank" and the things that represent deposits and withdrawals.

Find the Emotional Needs questionaire and fill it out for yourself and ask your husband to do the same. Then share the results. If he doesn't want to do this, fill it out for yourself and fill out one for him as you think he would do it.

What to do with this knowledge will be obvious.

It sounds like both of you could gain from even a fundamental understanding of what goes into making a healthy marriage.

Please also describe a little more of your background including your ages, any children, and any relevant information that helps us better understand where you're starting from.

In the mean time, try this:

Stop arguing with him.

Just stop.

If he picks a fight with you, just calmly say that you prefer not to fight and let's put that energy towards making a strong marriage.

Be humble and ask him what YOU can do to contribute to a strong marriage. Refer back to the EN questionaire. See any resemblence?

Dear Stephanie,

Here is the first thing that struck me that you said....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been hanging out with a new friend who is single. She made some comments and my H and I have been fighting since. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmmm.....do you think H has a problem with you and your new friendship? what did she say...what were the comments..?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has lost all commitment to me. I would really appreciate any help and I'm sorry about the spelling.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean he has "lost" all commitment?? Can you explain what you mean?

It sort of sounds.....by only what you posted here, that your H is feeling pretty insecure.

Is your new friendship causing this? are you "going out" with new single friend to places like bars etc???

Blessings,
Atruheart

dear ms. M,
i will go one further the ATH...it sounds as if you were discussing your H's size & prowess with your new best "single" frind and she in turn, had something "cute" to say to him about it! if so, this is very nice isn't it?!

maybe he's just angry...flat out, junk yard dog angry! and if he is who could blame him? i mean really...where is ypour sensativity never mind good sense?

coach

I'm not sure how much background info is relevant, but we are both 21. I know that we are very young and we have alot to learn, but I hope to do it with my H.

I have been looking around the site and I have picked up some very useful information. I do have to say that it is very hard to be so nice to someone that can be so mean.

I have offered to stay away from this friend of mine, but he says that isn't the problem. Part of the reason he was mad was because we were talking about a scene in Old School. It was the one were a guy is teaching some girls how to give BJs. My friend said line them up implying different guys and I said carrots, bananas, and cucumbers because that's what they were using in the movie.

The only time I really spend with this friend is at our weekend car meets. I don't go to bars because I know my H would not like that and I don't want to risk someone coming between us. The only other reason I would go to a bar would be to drink and I can do that at home. I would much rather spend the night watching a movie with my H.

It does seem like he has lost his commitment. He was talking about how he didn't think we would last because he thinks that I want to have sex with other men. He just seems so hopeless about us. It's something I've never seen before and it really scares me.

About his size I have always been positive about it. I don't have any problems with it, so I have no reason to say something like that. Also this is the first time I have acctually discussed it with someone other than him. I really don't think it is anyones buisness, but in this situation it is relevant to what is going on.

Oh and thank you for the help.

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: Moosie ]</small>

1. Also this is the first time I have acctually discussed it with someone other than him.

Now there is a lesson that will last you a lifetime!

2. It may well be he's withdrawing from you, because there is MORE going on between him and the female friend you described him "having an interest" in. He could be displacing feelings he has for her (inappropriate feelings), which manifest in his antagonistic attitude towards you. I would be very watchful, if not suspicious of their "connection".

3. but he is talking about us not lasting and it seems he has lost all commitment to me. More displacement.

You know there are red flags popping up in your relationship. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair. Read it and understand it. Explore this website and read all you can about the MB philosophy.

You may have some serious work to do on your relationship, so you need to be educated to do it correctly!

You may want to explore his cell phone call records, credit card purchases, and some other snooping to see if there's more than meets the eye with this other girl. But DO NOT confront him until you have posted here and asked for advice on how to do so, and what evidence you might have! There is a right way, and a wrong way. Save yourself the agony of not doing things the way that will save you lots of energy and agony.

Best wishes

SD

I was really afraid of that. I really didn't think much of it all untile I started telling my mom some of the things he has said. She said he sounds just like my dad that cheated on her. At that point everything seemed to fit into place. His family is very close and I don't think he would cheat, but what makes sence to me is him driving me away so he can have the OW without any guilt.

I have told him that she makes me uncomfortable, but he doesn't seem to care. I also told him the other night that he is only seeing the bad things between us and that only makes her look better. I said a few other things and stated that she seems like she would make a good replacement. When my H doesn't agree with me he lets me know and he didn't say anything.

A little background is that he has pulled stuff like this with his 2 xs. He keeps saying that I am just like them. Trying to look for someone else.

Like I said his family is very close. They would disown him if he was to cheat on his wife. I also know that he values his parents opinions. Should I get them involved? It seems risky, but they could have a big impact on his point of view.

You know there are red flags popping up in your relationship. Get a copy of Surviving an Affair. Read it and understand it. Explore this website and read all you can about the MB philosophy.

This is your first step.

He's 21 and has 2 x's? Were you involved with him before his divorce was final? If so, right there is another clue that he does not have much respect for marriage, I'm sorry to say.

Get started with this website and get Surviving an Affair. Read up on Plan A, and exposure first, and begin collecting whatever you can that will become "evidence" that an affair is taking place. It may be EA (emotional affair), or PA (physical affair) or both. Don't waste time. Get started. Post here, and let the "experts" here help you through this!

Best wishes

SD

He has not been married 2x, but one of the girls he was very serious with.

I will be getting a copy tomorrow, but I am going to have a very hard time hiding it from him. If he sees it, it will be just like accusing him.

The good news is no fighting tonight, but it didn't hurt that he was in the garage with his guy friends most of the night. We did go to the store and it is so hard to not be upset about this in front of him. With that said I'm sure you can imagine how the being nice is going, but I really am giving it my best shot and would like to think that I am doing fairly good. I really hate to say this, but if we go down I will be able to say that I did everything I could.

Well I'm really confused right now. Thursday my H was being really mean to me and trying to start fights , but I didn't let him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Before he went to work I talked to him for about 5 minutes and he was pulling the whole blame things on me again. I kept asking if he was talking about himself and he admitted to one thing and then accused me of suffocating him. I made it a point to not call or make any effort to talk to him, but he called me 3 times. That night when he came home he acted like nothing happened. He even wanted me to help him with his car the next day. Which doesn't sound like a man that is being suffocated. He hasn't wanted my help for a long time. Even now he is still acting like nothing ever happened. I really don't get it. I think my H has lost his mind.

Also that other girl called at 2 this morning again! I asked him to not let her call that late earlier this week. He said that he hadn't really seen or talked to her since I asked him that.

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Moosie ]</small>