Posted in the "Just found out" forum too.

I know this is going to get a lot of flack, so my jacket is on. =

Here it goes...

I was emotionally abused as a child. This, as is other kinds of abuse, is cyclical. Right now I am in this cycle and my children are next in line. The signs were all right in front of me and I was not even aware I was doing it. They are so gradual and subtle at first, then is gets progressively worse. This is why my S sought friendship with an old friend (male). She was and is afraid of me. I need to fix myself, before my marriage and family disappear from my life for good.

I would challenge everyone on this forum to take a long hard look at yourselves before placing blame on your spouse. Or maybe your spouse is a victim of childhood abuse.

I will not be posting to these forums in the future.

Just_Friends_PROBABLY

HI Just-friends-not,

Well,I don't know your whole story but let me tell you about my wonderful childhood.

In a nutshell,I was verbally abused by my dad who was emotionally distant or I should say detached growing up.I dealt with my fathers' womanizing,both parents alcoholism,my fathers suicide attempt(while I was 7 months pregnant too) and then subsequent divorce which crushed me as a teenager/young adult.To top that off I was the only child so I had no one to support me or help me with all these issues growing up.I had no siblings to confide in.Sounds like a hollywood drama doesn't it but it's all true.

You know what though?I made the CHOICE that I was not going to continue the cycle of pain I went through.I was determined to give my daughters and WH the best of me all the time as much as I could.And until October 2003,I thought I had beat that cycle only now,my dear cheating WH has put me in that position again.Of having to endure unspeakable pain because of his betrayal and to possibly endure another D within my family,my own.

Let's put the BLAME squarely on the shoulders of who are to blame,ok? The person who decided to commit adultery is the SOLE owner of that blame and forever will be.Nothing I could have done or didn't do automatically MAKES my WH commit adultery,HE *chose to do so.

Until we stop blaming everything under the sun and instead,move beyond our poor choices to make better ones and do the right things such as loving and protecting our spouses,the divorce rate is never going to decrease.

I don't know why you feel that you cannot post here any longer but that is your choice.

O

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Please consider these questions :

Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?

Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?

Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?

Does your partner limit your access to work, money or material resources?

Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?

Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, destroyed objects or threatened pets?

Are you afraid of your partner?

COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSERS
(adapted to fit male)

* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.

* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.

* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.

* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman's dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.

* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.

* He has low self-esteem.

* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents' marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.

* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn't nag him so much. He wouldn't get angry if only she would do what she's supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there's nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn't have any problems if she only turned to him.

* He may be described as having a dual personality -- he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.

* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.

* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn't relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he's angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other -- often his mother.

Just some food for thought. This is me to a 'T'. I am not the only one that identified these characteristic. About 10 sessions with our MC and 3 session with my different IC identified it. I know this may not be the case for everyone, but hopefully it will make people think.

Just_Friends_Probably

You must be given credit for admiting your weakness and recognizing that you need help. It is very difficult to live with a partner who has these traits that you describe.

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: Why-me? ]</small>

perfectly describes my abused/abusive WH...

But in our case the abused/abuser is the WS.

I do agree that such unresolved problems from the past can increase the likelihood of adultery, increase the environment for adultery to take root.

I used to have a daycare business and went through training to be a phone hotline volunteer for a child abus eprevention organization. I was taught that the main cause of abuse was the abuser having been abused as a child. It's called W.A.R. - World of Abnormal Rearing. It can set a person up to be more likely to become an abuser - but there's always the possiblity of breaking free of the pattern.

But in ALL marriages, EVERY spouse has to wrestle with the decision of whether or not to be faithful when the going gets rough (and it ALWAYS does).

I don't believe that when there's adultery 100% blame can ever be attributed to just one of the spouses, the strayer or the stayer. Both played a role, sometimes more active than passive, more intentional than accidental. We can only take responsibility for the part we played and can only really fix that part ourselves.

It's great that you have been diagnosed and have accepted you have problems from your past abuse. Now you can do something about that. But I don't think you should try to pretend that you are 100% responsible for what your wife and the OM did. They are adults too and could/should have made other choices no matter the circumstances. Sure, your part in it will make it a lot easier to forgive, but don't pretend your wife and the OM did nothing at all wrong and therefore YOU are the only one who did something that needs to be forgiven!

My WH was every bit as abusive as you (probably more), yet I did not have an affair. AND if I was using his abused/abusive problem as an excuse to have an affair I would be in the wrong. I had a right to protect myself from him (got a restraining order), had a right to confront him about his problems and not go along with keeping them a secret, had a right & responsibility to tell him I think he has to go to counseling, have a right to expect certain conditions to be met or else we will have to go through with the divorce... But I do NOT have a right to lie to him and to be intimate with another man before the divorce is final.

I feel sorry for the little boy he was, the abuse he suffered. And I would LOVE for him to take SOME responsibility for the mess he's amde of our marriage and family, the hurt he's caused me and our daughters. But I never would want him to pretend that I am perfect and never made any mistakes too.

We ALL ALWAYS retain the ABILITY to make the right choices, regardless of our pasts or present circumstances. We may need more knowledge, support, understanding, etc. to make it more likely we will choose the right thing... It may be harder at times to choose the right thing because of certain factors. But it's not impossible.

I realized a long time ago that I was probably going to be more vulnerable to adultery than some wives because of my WH's problems (AND because he was an adulterer). I certainly had plenty of excuses! Especially since he's done precious little to admit and get help for his problems. But I made a decision to be honest and faithful. It didn't really matter whether or not my WH deserved my fidelity and honesty - it's my standard for myself. His weakness didn't give me permission to be weaker too, it meant I needed to be stronger and to continue to uphold a higher standard - for BTOH myself and my WH.

Since he can't or won't measure up to that standard (doesn't really matter which - this has gone on too long and HE filed for divorce and rejects all plans for a a REAL and complete recovery) I will be free of all obligations to him WHEN the divorce is final. Even though there is an OW, WH filed for divorce, WH was abusive, WH won't get help, WH is most definitely NOT meeting my emotional needs (and wasn't while he was still living with me either), we have been separated for over 2 years, nobody I know would think poorly of me if I started dating... I will employ no excuses to start an adulterous relationship of my own.

Meremortal, I fully agree with what you are saying and your experiences. From reading here and many other places, it seems that people who have been abused as children are prone to display abusive behaviors that may verbal, physical or emotional. Part of their behavior is to try to control those around them, display jealousy, and perhaps due to low self steem are more likely to be the ones who commit adultery. The sad part is that very few recognize their behavior and deny doing the things they do.