I left you a reply in my thread that I wanted to read your story, but I can't find it. You have been so helpful to me. I want to read about when you decided to end it with your husband in Sept.
I have to leave now, but will look for tomorrow.

Weaver

I don't really have *a* thread where I posted my story and updates. I guess you could search on my posting name to find my messages? My posting style is to start a new post every now and then with an update or whatever question or thought's been on my mind. Plus I post to other people to try to give support, but don't consider myself one of the successful posters (had trouble sticking to Plan B at first, had several false recoveries, and am pretty sure we'll end up divorced).

This is my WH's 7th affair. Most were one-night-stands on business trips that by the time I found out about them it was months or years later. Each time he'd express regret, promise he'd never do it again, SAY he'd go to counseling (sometimes would attend a session or two). He has lots of unresolved issues from his past but refuses to get help. I thought I could help him... Or at least stick it out until the kids were grown.

Plus WH is also having a major midlife crises to make matters worse.

There's lots more to the story... but you get the idea.

I didn't decide to divorce, my WH filed. He wanted to continue seeing me though even after the divorce, said he thought he should be allowed to come to my home every day after work, hang around and watch videos with us, and that I should go along with him and kids for visitation even!. I told him no of course, that after the divorce I didn't want to see him anymore unless absolutely necessary (like if the kids wanted both of us at their weddings). Also, he was having lots of last minute doubts about going through with divorce himself, kept changing his mind, crying a lot. And he had made a false accusation that I had not allowed him to see the children and had brainwashed them against him. These false accusations were listed as part of his 'grounds' for divorce. My lawyer had advised me that I could counter-file for divorce or contest the divorce. At first I didn't want to contest the divorce because I had never tried to make him stay married to me against his wishes (although he had told OW that lie). But I also didn't want the false accusations made against me to go unchallenged. The court had assigned a law guardian to my daughters and she had told the judge she thought the kids should be taken out of my custody! She had mistakenly assumed this is what my WH wanted. WH freaked out and tried to fire law guardian. He never wanted the kids to come live with him (that would ruin his affair). He was just trying to scare/pressure me into caving to his demands. My lawyer advised me that if the divorce was dropped, we worked out visitation through a mediator, and a year-long separation agreement was signed instead, then the court might butt out of the custody question and disregard the law guardian's decision.

PLUS I had told my WH that the only way I would consider allowing him to see me, to come into my home, or to go along for visitation, was if we were still legally married. I didn't think he should be going through with the divorce if he still wanted to see me so badly and was so undecided and depressed.

It was only 6 weeks until the divorce was to be final when WH and I agreed to sign separation agreement. It took our lawyers all 6 weeks to get the separation paperwork ready for us to sign. WH didn't tell OW anything about it until we signed. So last September she suddenly found out we were going to remain married one more year instead of the divorce being final. I can only guess what excuse WH gave the OW, I'm sure he blamed me for delaying the divorce and made it sound as if I was forcing him to stay married longer.

I intended to honor my agreement to see him, allow him in my home, go along for visitation (if he invited me to), and to even go on dates with him (without the kids), as long as we were still married. But I never agreed to do so secretly or under the pretense that I was forcing him to see me or else he couldn't see his daughters! Eventually went to Plan B and stopped spending time with him.

OW was furious and broke up with WH for almost 2 months because we had agreed to delay the divorce. But she kept taking him back again (usually around a payday - she met WH at work but had gotten laid off and sells candles for a living).

Each time she would break up with WH he would want to come home and make all the right promises. But he refused to send the no contact letter and would always go back to her.

I was in Plan A for 6 months (July - December)then tried to go to Plan B. There were several false recoveries when I ended Plan B too soon (based on his promises). He even moved back home for one week over Christmas. But I found out he had told his mother and the OW that I had forced him to come home, or else I supposedly wouldn't even let him talk to his daughters. I (and my oldest daughter) told him he had to tell the truth or leave. He chose to leave (and to then pretend that we kicked him out for no reason).

He and OW kept making up and breaking up... Rumor has it they are over for good now, hope it's true. But WH has not started to say or do what's needed to save our marriage. He wanted to either come home again but tell others I made him come home, or go through with divorce but see me secretly (his family lives in another state). So I guess the divorce will go through as scheduled now. I just don't know how he could turn things around now with so little time left.

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 12:31 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

Why would he want people to think you forced him to come home? Or to see you secretly after the divorce? Why the big concern with what others think? How old is he?

September is a long time away, anything can happen in two months. Most people don't change until they absolutely have no choice.

I've been thinking about you and your situation a lot. One thing I can tell is that you are determined to be happy either way, so you will be. This waiting must be very hard on you. Thank God you have your daughters there with you.

Please stay in touch. I'll be praying for you. I don't have any good advise but I'm sure you are getting a lot of that here.

I do know that if you stick to your guns about having nothing to do with him, he'll be thinking long and hard about losing you.

Weaver

Oh, Sept is three mo's away. Even better (or worse, depending how your looking at it)

"Why would he want people to think you forced him to come home? Or to see you secretly after the divorce? Why the big concern with what others think? How old is he?"

He thought it would be a way to not have to choose between me and OW and if he could blame seeing me ON me then he thought OW might put up with it too? (she won't apparently)

WH is 51. His family does not value honesty, more like values dishonesty. His parents divorced when he was very young, his mother remarried and moved away, and the kids never saw biological father again. WH's mother still will not even tell her now grown kids why she divorced their father. They sort of just pretend he never existed. They don't tell each other much and when they do they tell each other what they want to hear. When WH was accidently shot by best friend when he was 14, his friend made up a lie and WH went along with it for almost two decades before his familt found out the truth. WH still believes that he would have been wrong to rat friend out and tell the truth, that wouldn't have been 'cool'... WH thinks keeping secrets IS love. WH and his fmaily think I was simply awful for not keeping my WH's violence problem a secret and for getting the restraining order. They have made comments to the effect that it's low class not to keep such problems a secret, only "white trash" call the police instead of keeping it hush-hush. I was supposed to just shut up and put up. Hypocritical MIL thinks nothing of calling em and chewing me out for supposedly not allowing WH to see his daughters, when the truth is SHE is the one who did this to her kids and ex-husband - not me! She even refused to listen to middle daughter who tried to tell her grandmother I had NEVER prevented her from seeing or talking to her father, just told her grandchild "NO - that can't be true - I don't want to hear it" Then pretended I had brainwashed (16 year old) grandchild into saying that or that it wasn't really grandchild on the phone!

He has been lying to his family, friends, OW, OW's family/friends, coworkers... for over 2 years about all this. He has almost a 1 hour commute to work and my daughters and I barely knew his coworkers, only met them a few times over past 6 years that he's worked there. He doesn't seem to care that I, our daughters, my family, and mutual friends know he's lying. He's only concerned about what HIS family & friends think. He told me during Plan A and at beginning of some false recoveries that he thinks about coming home all the time but doesn't know how to explain to his coworkers and family why he'd ever come back to me (after lies he told them about me). He evidently never planned on totally getting rid of me, adamantly against ME dating or remarrying even after the divorce, thought he could comehow keep his wife and family AND OW... fog & cake-eating. He assumed I would want/love him so much I would stay part of his life while letting him keep OW and letting his family believe his lies!

For first year of separation there was a restraining order because he had gotten physically violent. I think he wanted me to kick him out so he could pretend this affair wasn't really an affair - just him getting on with his life after I supposedly rejected him. He did what he thought it would take for me to kick him out so it would look like I broke up the marriage - not him and OW. Only a couple of his relatives even believe there is an OW and they think he only started dating her a year ago May and that he broke up for good with her after only two months of dating... They don't believe me and don't want me to send them any proof of the affair. WH's mother says I should just 'trust' him! (I know for a fact he continued to see OW as recently as April this year. I have friends who live near her and see they would see his car parked there overnight.)

Anyway, because of the restraining order he wasn't allowed to see me or to come to my home for first year of separation. I voluntarily made arrangements for him to have visitation with two youngest daughters through mutual friends. (WH and oldest daughter had quit speaking to each other a couple months before he moved out so she did not want any visitation with him.) WH kept demanding and threatening to come to my home - saying he would refuse visitation, not give me and address to send bills to, needed soemthing from the house ASAP (not enough time for me to mail it to him), etc. He was just angry that I had put up a boundary and was demanding that I allow him to come around. I stood firm and he stayed away (to avoid arrest). He refused to cooperate with visitation arrangements, claimed they were my attempt to not let him see his kids (even though I offered several differewnt options for mutual friends to serve as go-between, all who lived closer to him than him having to drive all the way to my house. (Also I eventually found out that the OW, who he was sleeping/living with most nights, lived practically walking distance from some of the go-between friends. It would have taken him about 5 minutes to roll out of OW's bed and go pick up kids for visitatation.)
I set it up for him to have visitation every Saturday morning form 11 Am to 7 PM. He only saw his daughters 6 times in the first year and a half of separation though. His loss IMO. But it did hurt daughters' feelings and then THEY decided they could care less whether they had visitation with WH.

While this was going on WH told his lawyer, his family, OW, coworkers, etc. that I was refusing to let him see his daughters AND that I was the one insisting that the visitation should include him seeing me. I had proof otherwise (e-mails and taped phone calls) which I gave to my lawyer. Plus the kids and some mutual friends knew he was lying and that he was the one demanding to come to my home or else refusing the visitation. The court fell for WH's bull that I was brainwashing the kids (a popular social services trend in this state to snatch custody of kids from mother and hand them to the father). They assigned a law guardian who talked to the daughters. She only talked to daughters for a few minutes, asking them stupid things like if you were a color what color would you be, and don't you want to go to public school instead of being homeschooled, then determined that sure enough I had brainwashed them against their father and therefore I should lose custody of them to their father. Law guardian refused to look at evidence my lawyer had that WH was making false accusation in order to try to pressure me into letting him violate restraining order, telling my lawyer once she's already made her recommendation to the judge she never goes back and reconsiders. WH and I had to go to mediation to settle visitation issue. But the lawyers advised it could still be up to the judge who had gotten the whacky law guardian's decision. Another law guardian was assigned but daughters said they would refuse to talk to or to trust the next one, plus WH and I both agreed we'd rather sign separation agreement and drop pending divorce to (maybe) get custody question totally out of control of judge and law guardian.

Last July I started Plan A and started to allow my WH to come to the house to pick up daughters for visitation instead of using go-between. WH had been sending me e-mails, poems about how much he missed ALL of us and wanted to see us ALL for visitation, asking me to come along too.
He had not been verbally abusive with me on the phone for several months and I had found this site and learned a lot about MB principles and wanted to give it a final try before divorce was final. Plan A worked like a charm. WH wanted to see us practically everyday and OW suddenly had to compete with his wife and daughters for his time and money. OW flipped out and became controlling, demanding witch with WH. OW even checked up on WH during his time with his daughters, even followed us once when we were spending the day together as a family (even oldest daughter and I had gone along for visitation that day - at WH's request). WH still got to see daughters without me anytime he wanted to, but he also asked to take me out on dates, and I went (sometimes... sometimes I made other plans - innocent like going shopping - but it drove WH nuts when I sometimes wasn't here when he came for kids' visitation! He was jealous and worried.) WH got very comfortable with Plan A and by time divorce was supposed to be final in September he had himself convinced this should be the permanent arrangement. I said no way once divorce was final - he could pick up kids in front of my home but could not come in anymore and he wouldn't see me anymore. He agreed to delay divorce for a year confident that after another year of cake-eating he would be able to talk me into making this arrangement permanent after divorce even. I went to Plan B in December. Some false recoveries, but have to just stay in Plan B forever now I guess.

WH has made his choice - to defend his lies and save face instead of saving his marriage and family. He is still convinced he can somehow secretly keep me. I don't think he will be convinced otherwise until it's too late, when divorce is final and I am with another man.

My happiness doesn't depend anymore on WH doing the right thing - it simply can't. So I will be OK.

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: meremortal ]</small>

I hate to say it but it almost sounds like you would be better off if the divorce could be final now. Atleast you could enjoy your summer and not have to worry about what is going to happen in Sept. I don't think I could handle that kind of wait. I don't realy understand how anyone on here who is in plan B could take the wait.

I get the impression that your husband will never leave you alone. I sincerely hope he grows up because I think he is going to be around for a long time. Of course if that is the case and he doesn't change, I hope you meet someone else quickly so he will be less likely to terrorize you.

I think you will be happy either way, but I sense your sadness now. Probably why I keep thinking about you.

My exBF left a message that he would be at our property today and that he would like me to come out but I'm not going to. I need to figure out what I can do about that property though because my name is on it and I forked over the money for the down payment. He was bankrupt after his divorce. I don't even have a key to the trailer and I would like to use it with my daughter. So I should atleast go get the key and make a copy, but I don't want to see him. I know if I do I will cave in.

I'ld really like to have a great summer this year, I wish I could get him off of my mind.

Take care MM, I will be thinking about you.

Weaver