WH wants to try again. He has agreed to giving all passwords and to be accountable for everything. However he refuses to write a NC letter. He believes that it is stupid and childish. I told him that it was a way to make me feel more secure because i would know that OW has been told about trying to save our M and the importance that it holds to him. He said that he could simply tell her that I made him write it and she would believe it. Anyway he left mad tonight because I refused to budge on it. I feel that he should be doing what I need right now. I am meeting an attorney on Tuesday and I'm ready to start filing for D. H knows this and wants to make another attempt. He said that "this stupid letter" will be the cause for us not getting back together. I know that this is stupid, but what if he refuses to write it. Isn't he just showing me that he really isn't ready to work on our M? I should be holding my ground, shouldn't I?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CoolDuck:
<strong> He said that he could simply tell her that I made him write it and she would believe it. ? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, tell him to contact you when he is serious about ending his affair. Because someone who says this sure isn't serious about ending his affair, much less making a committment to his marriage. I would tell him that you will pass. You are holding out for better.

CD, he is not serious at all and you give in now you will have lost ALL chance. See, he is getting nervous but is TESTING your resolve to protect your boundaries. He is trying to get you to cave so he can be back in control again so he can have YOU AND the OW again.

Don't fall for it! Hold out for better, girl! You will get it if you just don't cave!

CoolDuck

Hold your ground. It is a reasonable request. Ask him again if he will not do that for you.

Just because you see an attorney, does not mean you have to file for a D. You can see the attorney, and get guidance and direction from him on your rights, financial guidance, child support, etc

Your WH doesn't really have to know you aren't filing at the time, now does he? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't know your story, but he's probably still foggy, and isn't thinking clearly about it all right now. Your visit to the attorney may really get his attention.

Just be sure to keep your conversations with him about the NC letter safe, with no Lovebusters, Disrespectful Judgements or Angry Outbursts. You are entitled, however, to remind him the NC letter is NOT the reason for the "divorce".

You may even want to use the MB site search function to find some of the posts that itemize the reasons a NC letter should be sent. And remember, you should include a copy of the NC letter to the OP's spouse, assuming she is aware of the A. If she's not, then you should tell her.

One other suggestion. Be very careful about issuing "ultimatums" that you are not ready to fulfill. If you aren't going to do what you threaten to do, don't say that you will. You will lose credibility in your efforts.

All this is one man's humble opinion. I'm sure others will have helpful information for you, as well!

Best wishes

SD

My experience was that I wanted H to write the letter. I tried everything to get him to write it. In MC it was explained to him again, he kept saying that all it would do was reignite OW's fires to keep calling. She is very competitive and unable to take responsibility for her own actions. SHE feels wronged. OK.

Contact continued and continued, albeit only her contacting him, but H wouldn't hang up. We went through the same conversation so many times I thought I would go insane.

The last time I found out, I was totally ready for the M to be over. I told H as much. I said I would be counseling with SH to help me at this point. H wanted to join. SH had him to a NC plan. As a last resort, he would write the NC letter, but he put lots of other preventatives first. H has never written the letter!

I finally got her to stop calling by calling her myself and telling her that I would call her parents, current boyfriend, employer, whatever, and tell them what she had done and what she was trying to continue to do. That finally shut her up.

As far as I can check, she no longer calls, and I KNOW H doesn't call her. It still bothers me sometimes that H never wrote the letter, that I had to protect myself, and that he didn't do it for me. He has never, to my mind, adequately apologized for the continued contact (almost two years of it after d-day) Sometimes that gets to me.

But since I feel NC started, and counseling with SH, talking about EN's etc. things have truly been different. As SH said, it is hard to be connected to your spouse AND continue with OP. I feel much more of a connection now and I can see that my H does too.

Only you can decide what you can live with, what you are willing to accept, what you can forgive. IF your H puts in place all that you describe to prevent NC but feels you are forcing him on the NC letter and resents it, that may set you back. I keep saying to myself, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? IF NC is happening without the letter, can you live without it? Only you can say. Your H may just need to get a bit more out of the fog. In my case, I think it was an unhealthy dynamic in our M that I want to be right and H really resented it. Part of our problems pre-A.

I hope this helps a little.

Thanks for the advice. We have had 3 false recoveries. Each time I find there has been contact. I don't think that OW has truely been told what H is doing. When I say things to him like "do you tell her we makelove and you tell me you love me and how you want this to work" He just looks away and won't answer. I kow she is being lied to also and I feel a NC letter will at least let both of us (Me and OW) know exactly what H is thinking. I do see that he could tell her it was a lie, but wouldn't it still put doubts in her head. I know how stubborn my H is and I don't want something so little to ruin a chance, but I do think it is important.

Have you ever talked to OW? Has the A been exposed in her world? Sometimes these things need a helping hand. You H isn't there yet, but could be in a short while as reality sets in. You may yet have to file for the divorce so he knows you mean business. Three false recoveries suck and I guess he thinks he can just keep doing it his way. As Dr. Phil would say, How's that workin' for ya?

coolduck -

Stick to your request for the NC letter. My WH refused to send one. He said it would be pointless. Turned out he was right, he was still in contact with her.

I have never contacted OW. I feel like I would be stooping to a lower level. I guess I want her to feel that she is insignificant to me. Maybe I should call her. What is advice on that one?
OW is going through a divorce. Her soon to be ex knew before I did and threatened to tell me. Too bad he never did.

Like I said I know that she is being lied to. When he was "trying" and things seemed to be going well I found an email to her from him saying that He wanted her body. I know that it currently is a EA, was a PA, but I know that is over at least for now.

I have thought about exposing the A at their work, but I am afraid of looking like an idiot. How do you call people there and say guess what I am a bitter wife because my husband is sleeping with a secretary.