My W just can't let go of her feeling for OM. I can verify that she has not seen him, but have no way to confirm that she has not called or messaged him. He has sent her a few messages, which she has told me about as soon as she got them. But she remains distant and foggy. She knows there is no hope for a future with him, and that I will never let my children be around him, so I can't understand what her problem is. Any thoughts?

I may not be able to offer any great advice because I am quite new here. But I know how hard it is. But apparently what I've read it can take between 3-6 months before the "fog" has lifted. It seems as if your wife is at least being honest with you about OM contacting. That is a positive. You have to try to be strong and just be supportive of her. This should make her realize her love for you again and help to bring her back to you. JMHO

I'm still attempting to get a grasp on this area myself. My spouse has not decided but I want to be ready for the NC period and the withdrawals that WS's get.

It can take some time from what I understand as MB describes it like an addiction. He had something that made her feel good. She needs and wants that feeling.

I also understand that as a BS this is a very difficult time as it appears that the relationship between you and your wife cannot move forward until she gets past this pain.

Keep being positive, keep being there for her, but don't attempt to push. Very crucial time for you both.

IF possible and IF you can handle it see if she can share her loss with you. Even if you are talking above the details and just talking about her feelings and that you respect and appreciate that she is feeling sad.
(second thought, you might hold off on this last paragraph . . . I'm not sure if that is wise or not . . . .just something I think I would try if I were in your shoes)
In fact, I am already talking that way with WS and he hasn't even fully decided to quit the OW.
But I have made it clear that I understand this NC that might be coming around the corner is like a death and that it is painful. I want him to know that I am there for him when he does decide. So thats why my 2 cents feels that you should be supportive moreso of her now.

I'm sure you will get some great suggestions from others . . . I'm learning myself.

Betrayed man,

How long has your W been in NC with the OM yet? The duration of withdrawal is not the same for each person and depends on many factors such as the length of the A, the intensity of the A, your W’s personality and “sensitivity” level etc. A good indication of the time of withdrawal might be the length of the A. Remember it’s also possible for the fog to slip back from time to time. I know this is hard for both you and your W, but as a FWW I can promise you that this WILL get better! This process really takes much time and patience and sometimes it may seem that things will never progress (sometimes it might be one step forward and two step backward), but eventually things will get better. You W must just continue to focus on you and your M and keep NC under all circumstances. What you can do to support your W during this difficult time is to show her genuine care and understanding. If you can handle it, be her “sounding-board” and encourage her to speak to you about her feelings. Let her feel safe speaking to you and be her best friend during this time. However, sometimes it might be difficult for both of you to express your feelings openly and honestly to each other during this time (because both of you are emotionally involved) and then the help of a trusting, professional, outside person like a IC or MC can be very, very helpful to get the feelings out.

Betrayed man, a other reason why your W might struggle so much to get over her feelings for OM may have something to do with the WAY the A ended. If you are familiar with the theory of the Love Bank you will know accounts NEVER close. And right now Your W’s account for the OM is there and no withdrawals are being made. So the level of her feelings will not change substantially although the feelings will lessen with time. This is specially true if an A haven’t died a natural death and the WS still have many ‘love units’ for the OP in the ‘love bank'. Your Ws reaction is normal, but normal doesn't mean your W shouldn't try her best to get away from those feelings though. I’m sure with your continuous help, support and understanding things will work out for you and your W! I know that although I’ve struggled a very long time to get through withdrawal, it didn’t mean that I love my H any less… So please know that the fact that your W still struggles to get over the OM doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you or that she doesn’t love you and care for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Good luck and prayers,
Suzet

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

betrayedman, she probably won't let go of her feelings from the OM until contact ends. I would have her send a mutually written no contact letter to the OM. Or have you already done that? Withdrawal will START when the contact ends, until that happens her feelings will continue.

betrayedman,
your thread caught my eye this morning. I am in the fog right now, it's been a couple of weeks since NC. Suzet had a great point, that hit home with me. It depends how the A ended. In my case, OM ended it, I didn't want to. So, the rejection, plus not getting my fix from him every day sent me spinning into depression...I am moody, short with my kids, friends, and H. I can't get work done...it sucks. Believe it or not, I am in love with my H. I am hoping the fog lifts soon, because noone wants to be around me!

I knew OM and I had no future together, but he still filled EN H wasn't. So my account is still open for OM. I miss the addiction...I think. So hang in there with your wife...I can only speak for me, but I wish I never shook OM's hand that day at work, and said" nice to meet you!"

All,

Thanks for your replies. The A was ending when I confronted, the OM was returning to his W, but was keeping the lines of communication open with my W also. I have not sent a NC letter because of the language barrier (we live in Italy, OM is Italian) and lack of delivery method. Also, I do not know exactly who the OM is.

W does not want to talk about OM with me, too wierd. I have drawn some things out of her, but it is extremely painful for her, and I sometimes can't help but run down the OM and the A, which I know makes OM look better in her eyes.

My W is a romantic. One of the reasons that I believe has led us to this point, and was a source of contention in our M, was that W felt that the "new love" feeling should last forever, which it cannot. As you move through life, that goes away, but she is a hopeless romantic alot of times. We have talked about that, but I am not sure that she believes that.