Just read the following and wondering what you guys thought:

Saying “I love you,” especially repeatedly, often pushes your spouse away and in essence, probably does not reflect the truth of what you really want to say. What does it mean to say, “I love you?” especially at this juncture in your relationship? Do you know? Does he/she?

The words “I love you” are powerful in the beginning stages of a relationship where they match the underlying powerful feelings of attraction. “I love you then” means: I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you. I experience good feelings when I am with you or think about you.

Or, the words are powerful later in the relationship when special occasions recall the feelings that brought you together or when the stability of the relationship is temporarily threatened and you express your commitment to your spouse.

But, when in the midst of dealing with an affair, using the words “I love you” are inadequate and in reality, poor communication. They do not express what you really want to say. Nor does your spouse, who is allegedly “in love” with another person, know what to do with that statement.

Here are ways your spouse might respond internally when he hears those words from you:
• Yeah right! What does she want now? She’s just saying that so I won’t leave. Or, she’s just saying that so I will leave the other woman. She’s using that to manipulate me. So, I will walk away or not say anything.
• He loves ME? Yeah right! How can he love me when I do something like this? It doesn’t make sense. Who would love someone who fools around on them? If he fooled around on me, I know I wouldn’t love him.
• Hey, this is cool! I got two of them wanting me. Man, it feels great to be pursued by two people. It is great to be loved by two people.(This may not be acknowledged but it might lie behind a need to continue the
soap opera drama.)
• She loves me? What is the world does that mean? What is she trying to say when she says that? I don’t understand. Is that all she can say? Isn’t there more she needs to say to me? How am I to respond? Say, “I
love you too?” Geezzz louise, it’s not that simple.
• I hate it when he says, “I love you.” That really makes him unattractive. He seems so sickingly needy when he says that. And, that really turns me off. When he says it, I think of a whining lost little boy who needs reassurance. Sorry, but I’m not there. I don’t want to be a mother.

What are you really saying? Here are some possibilities. Do any fit?
• “I love you,” means I need you. My life is incomplete or insufficient without you. I have little clue of who I am outside of you and I need you to define who I am. I cannot think of having a life of my own.
• “I love you” means don’t leave me. I’m afraid of life on my own. I am terrified of what might happen. Tell me you love me, that you will be there for me so I don’t have to think of making my own way. Calm my fears, because I’m not sure I can.
• “I love you,” means I’m a wimp. I don’t want to rock the boat. I don’t want to really confront you with what I’m really thinking and feeling. I don’t want to take a stand and say ENOUGH. I will tolerate almost
anything.
• “I love you,” means I’m sad. It feels sad to see the relationship and dreams crumble. It’s sad to feel the distance, mistrust, pain and agony. It’s sad to think of that which might never happen. It’s sad to think of maybe not growing old with you.
• “I love you” means I remember with loving feelings who you were and who I was. I remember who we were. I remember the good times. I remember the way it used to be. I remember what it was like to love and be there for each other. I miss that. I love those memories and maybe, that’s all they are.

I would agree. Anything that can cause feelings of guilt should be avoided. It took me two months of reading posts on this site to figure that one out. It is important for the WS to know that you love them, and that you are willing to work on things, but the very fact that you are sticking around shows them that; there's no need to beat it into their head (no matter how much you would like to...)

In my case, the biggest EN that I wasn't meeting was Affection, so it's difficult for me not to say ILY, while at the same time, wanting the WW to see that I've changed.

I have said I love you to my WH. But I have taken a different manner of communicating usually.

I care about you.
I am frustrated that I cannot fix this for you.
I wish I could take this pain from you
I know you are a GOOD person.

I have even said that although everything that I have found out about the OW says she is a gold-digger and not a ethical person BUT that I know that you (WH) wouldn't have such strong feelings about this OW unless you (WH) saw good in her.

I attempt no demands. But I don't believe a person should restrain from saying how they feel also.
But I can see how a WS has no real connection with what you are saying at times.

My WH acts suprised at some of the things he has said to me. He honestly doesn't remember, so certainly he probably doesn't remember what I said either.

I haven't been saying I love you often, but at least once a day. However, I think I'm going to stop for a while.

Perhaps it's because I love him, but I'm not in love with him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't think he'll notice that I've stoped saying it and I doubt he'll say it to me first. I'm not trying to use this as a test, but I want the phrase to have more meaning than a greeting or goodbye.

Loy,
Great question and post. From my experience, when I said I love you, it was me reaching out verbally, but what had meaning was my follow up. When you extend your heart and are rejected, the response is critical. In effect your actions have to match your words. If you say ILY because you are expecting a response, just save it. If you are saying ILY without expecting a response, that is love b/c you are giving your love without condition or expectation. That is why the BS needs to continue to reach out both in word and action.

Yes its great to get back that affirmation, but you'll be disappointed early on in recovery. At some point the FWS will respond and even begin reaching out. When i figured out how to say ILY in an unselfish manner, I could tell my W and not be hurt. I did find when I held back saying it to my W, it would build up and eventually come out. It was like I could not control it. So I just figured I would say it and if she responded, fine. When she did not respond, I would not withdraw but reach out to her even more by accepting where her heart was in our R. That took the pressure off her to respond and allowed me to love her anyway and not LB.

Loy, I have great hope for you and please keep hanging in there. God is in control and is always with you.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Well I have been saying it more than usual, but it is selfish, so I will hold off for now.

IMHO there never ends a need to say I love you what matters is how you frame those words.

Do you know more WSs file what are called panic divorces....divorces where they file because they think they have done so much damage the marriage can't be repaired.....and I am not talking about exit affairs where they file to be with the OP I am talking about WSs that file even when they ended the affair.

So do you want your husband to feel there is a reason to try and rebuild or do you want him to feel like he might as well cut his losses?

Your fear is in being percieved as weak. Your fear is that he will see this as a sign he will not have to do much to attone for the pain he has caused.

Deal with that by the way you frame I love you. Let him know you love him but the affair has shaken your very core. And let him know that you would still love him even if you think this is something you cannot forgive. And that you will need his help to forgive.

By doing that way you have told him you love him deeply but that love has limits and that love has boundaries he must now respect. And that love is not enough to preserve the marriage he must actively help you.

You have in essence said I am willing to try to rebuild but you have put a tremendous burden on me and I cannot carry it alone.

Loy,

I am the BS and I am not the one who is saying "I love you" My WH says it to me but I do not say it to him. And we are almost 4 years into recovery from both a ONS and a longterm EA. It`s been 7 years since his ONS but 4 years since d-day for both of the A`s.

Your post can go both ways, it can apply to either the BS or the WS. What you posted about feelings the WS can have when the BS says "I love you" can also apply to how the BS feels when the WS says "I love you"

When H tells me he loves me it makes me very uncomfortable. I don`t know what to answer him back. The only thing I do say is either "Really??? Do you REALLY love me?" or "Why do you love me?"

When H tells me he loves me it just does not compute. It doesn`t makes sense to me nor do I believe it. I do think he thinks he loves me but I also think he and I have different defintions of just exactly what love is.

The fact that all through the years of his EA, and the period just before and after his ONS he insisted that he loved me is the roadblock. He swears he ALWAYS loved me even during the worst of our M. This does not make sense to me and that is why I remain skeptical.

H has lost all credibility with me when it comes to professing love.

I think the point of your post is to make people THINK. Do they REALLY love their spouse or not? If you`re not doing it (love the verb) or feeling it (love the emotion) you shouldn`t be saying it.

This applies to both the BS and the WS.

But then again some BS`s might take comfort in hearing "But I always loved you..." from their WS`s. Personally it angered me and I found it insulting.

I would have preferred H to have told me "I stopped loving you for a period of time and had those A`s because of......."

That would have rang truthful. I could have believed that.

<small>[ June 04, 2004, 08:36 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]</small>

This is a problem for me (and us). I come from a family that often communicated that we loved each other. It was how I was brought up. My WW's upbringing was not that way. I have always told her that I love her. It may be stupid, but I always thought of people who were killed suddenly, and if that happeded, I wanter her to remember that it was the last thing that I said to her. I also have always told her ILY when we say good night.
During this turbulent time, she has told me to stop saying ILY. That, to her, I don't mean it. This could not be further from the truth. I have continued, and to stop now would send a strong message to her. Mostly, she won't return it. But sometimes she does, and it is like water in the desert to me.
All I want is for this whole nightmare to be over and for me to wake up with everything back to normal. I guess that I'm just burying my head in the sand.