Hi
I'm new to the message board, but not to infidelity. My husband and I have been married 7 years in August, but I am attracted to his best friend, who is also our son's godfather. His best friend is also married and she and I are very good friends. He says that he has been attracted to me since the first day we met about 9 years ago and although the feelings weren't mutual at first, I have grown close to him. We are good friends and it's hard to not see him or talk to him, because he is a part of our everyday lives. We have already agreed that this is not a good situation, but our emotions I think are getting the best of us. We have not had sex, but have fooled around twice. Help! I think I need a psychological evaluation.

Philly74 - I sympathize with your need to stop.
I don't have a suggestion that will fix your problem immediately.

You must not continue acting on this relationship though.
The damage that can be done is extremely devestating to both families and ALL that know the two families. This is not something between you and he, this effects more people then you can imagine. Speaking as a WW (wayward wife) I cannot tell you the pain that I have felt with my husbands affair. I have wondered if the pain of loosing a person by death wouldn't be easier to take as at least you know the pain is of natural means and not something someone intentionally decided that would hurt so bad. Do you wish to cause such pain to your husband?

Generally after an affair it is said on MB (Marriage Builders) that NC (no contact) is the only way to remove the threat.

And the reason why there is an attraction is that both of you are meeting "needs" that you are not getting from your spouses.

So the best I can recommend is that you seek counseling. And if possible marriage counseling. Your efforts should be focused on saving your marriage, which apparently you want, as you posted on this site.


Honestly I don't know what you mean by "fooled around twice" but didn't have sex. But even affairs that have no physical contact should be seriously addressed. There is something amiss in your marriage that needs to be addressed. Focus on your marriage.

I sure hope this helps some.

philly74, the advice I'm going to give you is as simple and clear to me as saying get out of the house it's on fire. You will regret this for the rest of your life. Imagine going into the burning house to save a memento. Something that seems important. Waking up in a burn center months later and realizing that the memento wasn't worth this. It's really that bad. Keep reading the horror stories here. I'm sure it just seems like it's meant to be. IT ISN'T. It's preventable and you need to prevent it. If you hope to keep that friend in your families life you won't do this. You are starting to focus more and more on your husbands flaws to justify this. And the OM is starting to look so perfect. Talk to his wife and she can tell you his shortcomings and can probably only see the wonderful qualities in your husband. Be careful this is suicide.

philly74, the advice I'm going to give you is as simple and clear to me as saying get out of the house it's on fire. You will regret this for the rest of your life. Imagine going into the burning house to save a memento. Something that seems important. Waking up in a burn center months later and realizing that the memento wasn't worth this. It's really that bad. Keep reading the horror stories here. I'm sure it just seems like it's meant to be. IT ISN'T. It's preventable and you need to prevent it. If you hope to keep that friend in your families life you won't do this. You are starting to focus more and more on your husbands flaws to justify this. And the OM is starting to look so perfect. Talk to his wife and she can tell you his shortcomings and can probably only see the wonderful qualities in your husband. Be careful this is suicide.

Philly,

You already KNOW what you must do to stop this bad behavior.You are on the borderline of hurting yourself,your husband,the other man,his wife AND any children involved.Do you not see what a huge catastrophe is about to happen or may even begin because you have already started inappropriate actions with this man???

You need to start taking some action to abort any further relations with this man.Please don't pretend as if your emotions aren't controllable.They ARE.You have a brain so USE it and make the changes necessary before at least 5 people's lives are painfully changed forver.

Stay here and read a while and you will get a taste of what it's like for people to go through Infidelity.You do NOT want to end up here for that.AND you better start talking to your husband and get into some counseling.It sounds as though everything is not ok at home.

O

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by philly74:
<strong> Help! I think I need a psychological evaluation. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you just need a stern talking to.

Now you listen to me and listen closely.

If you don't back away from this guy and tell your husband and your friend what's going on, your life is about to become more miserable than you can imagine. THEN you'll need a shrink - along with the other adults and children involved in this!!!

Yep, when you confess what you've done, you will very likely lose your friends. If you don't confess what you have done you will definitely lose your friends as well as likely lose your family.

What will it be?

You can't turn back, it's done and you need to end it and prevent it from ever happening again. The only way to do this is to come clean with your H and your friend.

Understand?

You don't need a shrink - you need a kick in the butt.

Now look at yourself in the mirror and decide what the right thing to do is.

Got it?

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT has probably said it better, but I will say it gentler. Since you have taken the effort to find this site, go back and read the "Policy of Radical Honesty" under Basic Concepts. You need to tell your husband, "Honey, we have a problem and I need your help". And then you need to tell him. You know you have these feelings, he doesn't. You know you are having trouble controlling yourself, he doesn't. Your marriage is a partnership but if he doesn't know that you are in trouble he cannot help you. And you need his help to get through this. And if you can't get through this as a couple at least you will know that whatever happens, you had the courage to face this thing honestly. And really, it is amazing how quickly the fantasy of an attraction fades when its no longer a secret shared in a surreal place where pain, D, alimony, child support, visitation, dirty socks and unpaid bills haven't been accounted for.

Thanks for the advice. Reading everyone's response just gave me a reality check and I think I need to continue reading on a daily basis, so that I remind myself that being with this man is not a good decision to make. Something is missing from our marriage, it's been missing since as long as I can remember. i was warned not to marry, but WAIT and I didn't heed to that still, quiet voice in my heart and mind. Even our wedding night was missing something. Anyway, i can't try to fill that void with someone else and my husband is often in denial that we need counseling. He always feels that we can work things out on our own and really we can't.
Anyway, thanks for the quick and honest responses. A kick in the head and the [censored] is what I truly need. You would think I learned from the first affair and here I am in the same situation, but this time I will make a choice not to continue it and work on myself. I haven't spoken to OM at all today and we are usually on the phone a few hours a day (I'm a stay@home mom, he works from home), so when I do I will let him know we must cut off all one-on-one contact. Do you think this is enough or should I leave when he also comes to the house to visit?

Here's step by step instructions:

1. Buy 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Surviving an Affair'.
2. Confess to your husband and the other man's wife.
3. Set up a Marriage Counseling session with a pro-marriage counselor. If your husband attends great, if not go by yourself.
4. Start meeting your husband's needs (you'll need the EN questionnaire from this site and the His Needs, Her Needs book).
5. You and your husband decide if you need No Contact with the other man (highly recommended).
6. Continue to post to these forums, the people here will help you get through this.

Congratulations on taking the first step to end this affair and make your marriage better!

Any excuse you come up with to skip a step is invalid. All excuses are 'Fog' talk. No matter what your gut is telling you, you need to confess and you need to start actively working on your marriage if it's going to be saved.

April

DO NOT SLEEP WITH THIS GUY! You think you have problems now--they are nothing to what will happen if you have sex with him.

You need counseling. Do it alone or with your H, but get help. If this goes further, you will find out what pain and misery really are.

You are blaming your H because you are unhappy, when YOU are the one in control of your happiness, not your H.

First Affair? Yours? Your H's?

I have been married for 20 years. If you asked me two years ago (right before my H started his A for the first time) what the biggest mistake of my life was I would have said having married my H. In my memory banks, our marriage fell apart pretty quickly after the vows. In fact, I wuld have remembered wanting to bolt from the alter and being totally dicsonnected on our honeymoon. Are those memories true? I honestly don't know. But they certainly fit nicely with my ever growing sense that there was no point in trying to reach out to my H. After DD #1, I would have said my biggest mistake was not doing something about the state of me and my marriage a whole lot sooner. Nine months after DD #2 I'll tell you the only mistake I've ever really made was being afraid of honesty--both giving it and getting it. There was never anything really wrong with my marriage other than we were too afraid to be truthful about who we were. And too quick to judge about who we thought the other person was or should be. I am now cautiously optimistic that the next 20 years of marriage might be the real honeymoon.

I tell you my story simply so you don't think that the "little voice" in your head about whether you have ever should married your H is speaking the final truth. There was a reason you married your H despite it. And that reason might still be there. Don't give in to the idea that since the marriage was a mistake from the beginning there is no point in trying to fix it now. And don't give into the idea that nothing ever changes. Everything can change.

My husband always refused counseling as well. He told me "if we can't fix it ourselves then there is no point in trying." It wasn't until he was on the brink of losing everything (well everything other than his OW) that he realized we couldn't do this alone. I realize our roles are reversed but maybe your honesty about the state of your marriage will force your H to look over the edge too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Inandout:
<strong>

My husband always refused counseling as well. He told me "if we can't fix it ourselves then there is no point in trying." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I always love this line. These are generally the same people that will go to Jiffy Lube for an oil change, "If we can't fix the car ourselves, then there is no point in trying. It's obviously the wrong car for us."

"I don't believe in software support. If we can't fix the Microsoft bugs ourselves then we should be using Linux."

"I don't believe in getting tax help. If we can't calculate our own taxes, then we shouldn't be filing." -- Wait, I kinda like this one. Think the IRS will go for it?

April

Philly-

The advice you received from the others here is "Correct Advice". My W had the same experience as you, and fortunately, like you, it did not reach the level of involving sex. Rest assured though that after I accidentally found out, I felt miserable, she felt miserable and the other two friends ended up being miserable as well. MC saved all of us (including the other couple who ended up there as well), and for me, some very helpful advice from the people in the midst of it all right on these boards.

What I eventually learned through all of the pain we endured was that my W needed more conversation from me. It was that simple! Tell your H what you need or if you do not know, figure it out. The hurt you will do to your H, your family, you and everyone around you is not worth a good marriage. The very fact you are here and heeding the advice tells me your marriage is worth it.

These are my thoughts.