-Day May 22, 2004. I learned of my wife's infidelity when she confessed. I am shaken to the core. We have been married for 28 years and have 3 children(28, 25, and 18). 2 are out of the house and on their own. The youngest(18) just graduated from high school and is heading off to college in the fall. The A has been going on for 2 and 1/2 years and I had no clue. Guess that shows how checked out of the marriage I was. The OM is her high school sweetheart who lives half way across the country. He at one time worked away from home in a state near us. My wife started the contact when she was in his hometown for a work assignment(trade show). It started innocently enough with a phone call to say how sorry she was his Dad had died. They met the next day for breakfast. The phone calls started right away. His needs obviously not being met in his own marriage. He has 2 children 13 and 19. I do not know him but have heard his name off and on my whole married life. They met off and on whenever they could arrange it. The last physical meeting was in March 2004 when my wife went to help her mother another state.
I have spoken to his wife, in fact she called me two days after I learned of the A. She is as devasted as I am but says she wants to save her marriage.

I have been trying Plan A for 10 days now. It is so hard to try and meet her needs when she tells me she is "in love" with him and wants to be with him. We have completed the emotional needs questionaire. She is still at home and is wearing her wedding rings. We have had some very frank honest and open conversations the last 10 days. Almost every night. I acknowledge that I have not been the husband she needed. I used my anger to try and control her. No physical abuse of any kind though. I have never cheated on her in any way. I have not been able to get her to agree on NC. I know MB says to plan A for 6 months but when she says she loves him and want to be with him it tears my guts out. Help!!

I may not be able to offer much advice but I can offer my support. I am in the same boat somewhat. It is definately devastating. You have to plan A as best you can. A positive for you is that you don't have to figure out your WW EN since she filled out the questionairre. Use this to your advantage and make deposits to her LB. Show her why she chose to marry you and not the OM in the first place. I don't know the whole situation but it sounds to me more like she is in love with being able to relive a time that was good for her. Meaning her youth. Since this is when she dated this guy in the first place. Anyway try to keep your head high. People here can help you through this. Just keep reading and learning. I wish you the best of luck.

Please see the good side of all this. She must have told you for a reason, she could have continued with the A. Plus she wants to stay and try to make the marriage work. Many WS don't express an interest in working on the marriage and move out. She needs to commit to NC with the OM or the recovery process can not begin, she can not work on your M while with someone else. Read everything you can on this site and I encourage you to seek MC.

I know this is devistating for you and my heart goes out to you. You are hurting and that is o-k. However, don't let this experience be waisted. Use it to make a better, stronger marriage for both of you.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

Please see the good side of all this. She must have told you for a reason, she could have continued with the A. Plus she wants to stay and try to make the marriage work. Many WS don't express an interest in working on the marriage and move out. She needs to commit to NC with the OM or the recovery process can not begin, she can not work on your M while with someone else. Read everything you can on this site and I encourage you to seek MC.

I know this is devistating for you and my heart goes out to you. You are hurting and that is o-k. However, don't let this experience be waisted. Use it to make a better, stronger marriage for both of you.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

You have several things going for you.

1) OM's W knows and wants to salvage her marriage. This is very good.

2) She has confessed.

3) OM lives a distance away.

4) You have a long history and your children are old enough to understand what's going on.

I strongly suggest you set up an appointment with Steve Harley ASAP. He's the expert.

Next, I suggest you tell your children what's going on and if they already know, express to them that your desire is to salvage your marriage. Also acknowlege to them that you played a part in this in that you were not the husband you should have been for your wife. Apologize to your children for this failing.

Maintain some contact with OM's wife and most importantly, recommend to her that she visit this site and learn how to recover from an affair.

As a starter, order four copies of Surviving an Affair, by Harley. It's available thru the bookstore on this site or via most any on-line bookseller.

Send one copy to each of your two children who are already gone, one copy to OM's wife, and keep one copy for you and your youngest. Do not ask or expect your wife to read this - yet.

Get hot on Plan A and work your butt off. Bite your tongue and cease all love busters.

This is very winable. The odds and time are on your side.

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Thank you all for the support. I have high hopes for the best outcome. But my heart is aching. I am aching for creating and sustaining a situation at home that contributed to this happening. I am aching for my marriage. I am trying to control my anger. But I'm hurt so hurt. She was always there for me, Always.

Settle down. Yes, you contributed something to the way things were. But you are not responsible for the affair. Luckily you have found this site in time. I have very high hopes for you.

We had a good night tonight. She was very warm and receptive. Talked all night about stuff including our children. She said the A was because I was not meeting her EN. I wasn't but that didn't cause her to lie and cheat. I so angry and hurt I cannot stand it. I am Plan Aing my [censored] off. I have seen positive response form her. But it is too soon to tell.

She wants honesty at my costs not hers. I had a email conversation with our oldest child(my daughter) that I shared so I didn't do anything behind my back. Daughter told me that this has "rocked the foundation" of home. When I shared with my WW she proceed to attack me for using our chid "to get to her". I explained my intent was to reach out to our daughter. I also told her that this was honesty-I didn't hide our conversation-I shared it with her. It was not what she wanted to hear. After 10 days of hearing what a bad husband I was and that I was not meeting her EM for affection and honesty she was blown away. I didn't use my daughter to get to her. I was reaching out to my 28 yr old daughter that is hurting about this. I'm still Plan Aing but it is so hard when we went by a motel they were at at Christmas time. My heart is aching!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hopefulinnc:
<strong>When I shared with my WW she proceed to attack me for using our chid "to get to her".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical defensive reaction.

She'd say this about anything you do that also reveals the truth to others.

That said, it's a HUGE no-no to intentionally play young children against a WS, despite how effective it might be. But your daughter is an adult. Your youngest child is 18. Informing them is fair game in my book - informing, not trashing your WS.

Your hurt and anger are understandable. Try very hard to not love bust.

Yes, it's very one sided at the moment - you're making all the sacrifice. Stay the course and this will very likely be more and more equitable.

WAT

<small>[ June 04, 2004, 05:07 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>