My wife (WS) came home today and said she had to move out. Thank God I'd found this website a few days ago and wasn't still riding the "I'm hurt and betrayed but still want this to work" roller coaster. The helpful ideas here helped me stay calm through that and actually quietly help her get a few things together for a few nights. At this point I don't know if she'll be gone for 2 nights, 2 weeks, 2 months or forever.

Let me take a step back and fill in some details. What I need from the forum, other than general support and good thoughts, is a basic framework of what things to do/not do from here. I haven't yet read "Surviving an Affair" but plan to get it and devour it this weekend.

A month ago WS told me she's had feelings for someone else for several years, and that these feelings had been growing. They came to a boil when she found out that his marriage was on the rocks and he was strongly interested in her. So for a month I ride the roller coaster while she starts therapy. Sometime this week the OM told WS that he'd told OMW he wanted a divorce and to marry WS. Well, apparently that was a real wake-up call for OMW and she's now trying hard to make her own marriage work, and OM is willing to give them that chance. So today OM told OS that the EA (never progress beyond a kiss, or so I've been told) was off and there would be no more contact. WS is apparently pissed off enough she won't try calling him.

Now, for me this was amazingly good news since a) the EA ended with OM as the "bad guy" and b) OM and OMW will hopefully make their marriage work. However, I'm sure OMW's miraculous turnaround will hit a bumpy spot at some point, and I fear that will make OM call WS. I hope to be at a point by then where WS won't be interested, but that's a long shot. Segue to bad news part of the story.

OM's "leaving" of WS caused a real emotional shock to her. She was really working around to being set to live happily ever after with OM, at least in her mind. The hurt side of me thinks she just hadn't screwed up the courage to make the break with me. So now that that is apparently not a possibility, she's really emotionally out to sea. She says she doesn't think she ever really had the passion for me that I have for her, and that she could never love me the way a wife should love her husband. I try to believe that it's just the alien talking, but it's hard to hear.

Anyway, she's gone now, staying with a friend. There was a positive sign or two. She agreed to call and talk to me for a while every day (after the next few days) so I could stay in the loop on how she was feeling and what she was thinking. We hugged just before she left, and she took the ream of printouts I'd made from MB yesterday, saying she'd finish reading them.

But we hadn't had time to work around to really identifying LBs or ENs, so I'm going to be shooting in the dark for the next few weeks at least. A further complication is that she leaves for a weeklong conference in a week. I don't think she'll have a fling, but now I can't rule out the possibliity. I just have to not obsess over it, I guess.

So now I'm stuggling with what to do next. I've thought about calling OMW to wish them well on saving their marriage, and tell them about MB, but I don't know if that would be wise. I don't know when it is right to tell my family or hers, or wait for her to tell hers and then give my side. As for me, I'm going to see how I can hold out for a few weeks before deciding if I really need a therapist and drugs. WS has a therapist who hopefully is going to help her.

Anyway, sorry this ran so long. It feels good just to get the this all "on paper" - I'm pretty isolated here and don't have anyone to confide in face to face. Thanks for listening.

<small>[ June 03, 2004, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: tightrope ]</small>

Get your own copy of

"Surviving An Affair"

and let your W catch you reading it...

And when she asks what you're reading...

tell her

I am looking for ways to make this all make sense ... so I can do the best I can no matter what happends.

Use a highlighter when you read...

Educate yourself... and in time your W may be curious enough to read it herself.

Pep

Tightrope,
I actually think this fairly good news.

Luckily OM decided to give his M a shot. BTW you may want to call his W and offer your support and tell her about this site. It may help her to be successful in saving their M.

So your W is hurt tha

Tightrope,
I actually think this fairly good news.

Luckily OM decided to give his M a shot. BTW you may want to call his W and offer your support and tell her about this site. It may help her to be successful in saving their M.

So your W is hurt that her "soul Mate" dumped her so quickly. She's confused and probably feels a sthough she's taken it too far and so moved out.

So you need to start meeting whatever needs you weren't and he was. Probably affection and communication. It's called Plan A.

BTW Plan A does not say that you need to be needy whine for her to come home. When you talk to her, tell her the truth. You love her. You'd like to work things out. You want to change the dynamics of the M ie the pre-a issues. Tell her you're their for her.

With the OM not there to meet her needs she may come back fairly soon. She needs to see the new Plan A you and feel that it is going to be permanent.

What pre-A issues were there?

cwmac

I have never been married and am probably the last person who should give advice, but your pain came through the post.

Don't call her. Let her realize what she has lost. And contact you. I hope that if what you want is to stay with her and make things work that it actually happens.

I think I would have a hard time trusting her. But I think that there are probably many people who can get past the pain and be happy together.

I wish the best for you. Stay strong.

Tightrope:

I was in your shoes a few months back. I am sorry for what you are going through. You must understand your wife is willing to leave you for her fantasy relationship. The good news is her relationshiop is starting to unravel before everyone's eyes. OM's wife is defending her territory and family and you are too.

These romances are perfect until they are exposed, but even after the exposure, it will likely still continue on. They probably really love each other but it based on lies and deception so it was not built on real faith, love, and honesty. These gives you hope to rebuild your Marriage, one day at a time. You may win by default, but that is OK. You know, based on your post, there is a strong chance there was a PA, but maybe not.

You are better versed than I was at the same steps you are in. The OM's wife is fighting for her man and you are fighting for your woman. Don't give up. This fog state is real and very thick. My W still thinks of the OM but remains with me and the kids. Before, she would have given up me and the kids for a guy 18 years younger than her and he really only wanted sex.

Remember, take one day at a time and be patient.
Good luck.

Thanks for the supporting thoughts. I was doing pretty well today, keeping occupied and trying not to be negative/down. Then I get an email from WS that she feels like she needs to get her feet under her, so she opened up her own checking account and changed direct deposit. And she only left last night. I'm sure this isn't a good sign. But when she calls in a day or so, I guess I'll just say it's fine if that's what she needs to get out of her dark place. It might be a long time before she's willing to reinvest in the relationship, if ever. I'm hoping withdrawal from the EA had a chance of being shorter than average because a) it was relatively brief in intensity and b) OM broke it off. Now I'm certainly question even the assumption that she'll ever want us together again.