Today I'm feeling down. It really has hit me, that my WH must be living with the OW. He won't tell me where he is living and he has his P.O. Box and she has her P.O. Box. The OW and her H sold their house and their divorce will be final either this month or next.

They live in a state where there isn't any grounds expect breakdown of a marriage and your divorce is final in less than 6 months.

Boy, I'm glad I live in a state were the divorce laws are tougher. At least it gives me time to save my marriage.

I know private investagators are expensive; is there any way I can find out where he is living. He has a P.O. Box and then he rents a mail box for UPS deliveries. So nothing comes to him directly.

Even before we were married, my H and I never lived together. We felt we should lived together when we married. Now, here he is living with a married women, playing house. It hurts so bad. I know I could be jumping to conclusions, but I do believe they are living together, since both of them are being so secretive.

It just amazes me that he can just up and leave after fourteen years together, with out any responsibilities to me or our marriage. Our anniversary will becoming up July 15th. That is day I'm not looking forward to.

I haven't talked to him in a few weeks. It hurts, the more he is with the OW, the more control she will have over him. I'm afraid he'll forget all about me.

How to do I fight for my marriage? I started to expose the A. But know one knows how to get a hold of him to tell him how they feel about the situation. He was a God loving man who loved his family. This OW has taken over his mind, actions and his whole life. My friend informed me that the OW is probably telling my WH that it is God's will they are together.

How can I fight for my marriage, where I haven't any clue where my WH is living and we don't see each other. I guess my questions is, do I have any rights to know where and whom he is living with? Should I contact a lawyer or maybe a P.I.? I only ask him once where he is living, he refused to tell me. Should I ask again?

I'm afraid the longer we are separated, the harder its going to be to get back together.

Hi,

Your story sounds way to familar. Right now you appear to be in the stage where you can't teach your Ws anything. You can't help him or your M. So right now you need to work on you.

Hire a PI and do some on-line research to get some background info on the OW (criminal records, etc.) . This way you will know if she has a pattern of anything that maybe criminally or financially harmful to you and your family. Do NOT disclose your findings to the WS no matter how tempting. Not even in anger. It is key critical you find the info and put it in a secure place.

Get with a good MC or even better yet, Get a good MC and do a few phone counseling sessions with Steve Harley. He is great.

What books have you read from here? Acquaint yourself with Surviving an Affair, then read His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr W. Harley. Also get a hold of a book entitled: Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. Excellent book.

Develop a plan. Decide what you would do in plan A and B in various scenarios. As he is now, if he gets worse or better. Identify your boundaries and implement them. You are quite early in the stages of recovery esp in the personal recovery mode. Control what you can for you. Right now leave the WS out there. He needs to crash and burn since what he is doing is plain lunacy but he won't listen to reason. Stop spitting in the wind trying to help him. At least for now.


This will keep you busy and working on you. When the WS decides to enter reality again you will be prepared. Re-entry to sanity is difficult for many a WS so don't expect recovery to be easy but it is survivable.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

I have purchase several books, of course Surviving An Affair, After the Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, Life Strategies, by Dr. Phil, How to Save A Marriage Alone, When Love Dies, The Divorce Remedy, Hope For the Separated, Winning Your Husband Back Before It Too Late, Etc. problem is I have so many books, I read a chapter in each one. I need to sit down with one book at a time.

I bought a journal so when I read something that interersted me or something I can do, I can write it down and reference it later.

I have to purchase the book Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. Dobson I'm very much aware of Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family.

My WH and I met at a Christian Radio Station. I was the Program Director/DJ and he was the Account Executive. We played Dr. Dobson's program everyday. Our first date was to a bible study. Our relationship started on the love of God, and now he is living in sin with a married woman. Their married, but not to each other. That wasn't in God's plan.

I do have a SS# on the OW. I don't know too much about her background. We were friendly with her and her husband, who have been married as long as we have. I do know she is after money, my in-laws as a matter of fact. She has committed fraud, but can't press charges since she has involved the company I work for.

I believe in power of prayer and I have alot of people praying for my marriage. I just can't get over how someone who has promised you forever, can just abandon you and your marriage. I hope God does bring him to his knees.

I know I have no control over my WH situation. I do have control over mine. Somedays are hard. Today I didn't cry as much but I spent day in bed, where I could be doing things around the house. I just hope I'm not falling into a depression. I did buy some St. John Wort, but haven't taken it yet. I really don't want to do the anti-depressant thing.

Can you go to a MC by yourself? I have been thinking about calling Dr. Harley or even Penny?

I'll stay dark with WS. I do miss him and somethimes want to pick up the phone and call him. I just miss telling him about my day or just the simple pleasure of cuddling with him in from of the tv.

Hopelessly,

Do you have an email address? I may be able to help.

<small>[ June 13, 2004, 07:33 PM: Message edited by: FrustratedW ]</small>

Since you don't know where he is, and you cannot contact him...

if you haven't already...

corral ALL the finances into an account with your name only .... he has abandoned you ... he may decide to contact you if he discovers you have done this.

Also, get legally separated from his debt.

This is not about saving your M right now...

You have only one choice...

fight for yourself right now.

Do you have an attorney?

Pep

HD2, I'm in a similar place. I learned a few new details about the A two nights ago when I met OM's W, and now the feelings of rejection and betrayal I swept under the rug while I was trying to save my M have got me in their jaws. The sparrow was thoughtful and kind and brilliant, and now she cares only about the OM.

My anti-depressants haven't kicked in yet - a few more days - so I can't say for sure, but I'm very much hoping they'll help me start moving again. Right now I'm paralyzed and definitely for real depressed. It just seems to get worse and worse. Today I managed to shower, put away some dishes, and mow a tiny piece of my lawn, but that's all. Spent the rest of the time on the couch. Better than nothing I guess.

Anyway, none of this will probably help you, but at least you know you're not the only one. Thinking of you and wishing you strength,

GC

Pep,

All the credit cards are separate, we don't have a joint credit card.

We have one joint banking account, and he cleared that out a month after he left. Well he left $38.00 in the account.

The house is in my name.

I want to find the right attorney. I know attorneys are interested in one thing, but I like to find one that will help me save my marriage instead of end it or at least protect me until he is out of his fog.

I do have a cell phone number for him but he has a new camera phone with a new number he is using these days. When I found the receipt for it (when he still was at home) he purchase two phones with a family plan. He told me it was a going away gift for us, but he cancelled the order. That was a lie, he never cancelled it was a gift for him and the OW, never intended for me. He still uses the old cell phone number but has it forward to the new line. So I'm still able to reach him by phone until he cancels the line.

It is so frustrating at times. This isn't the man I married. What is all the secrecy about?

Graycloud, It sounds like you had the type of weekend I had. I managed to mow the front yard, not the back, I showered and washed dishes. The rest of time either on the computer or staying in bed.