I'm not sure that there are very many OW on this site. As an OW, I find it hard to find people in whom I can confide and from whom I can seek advice. The easier-said-than-done answer is to end the A. The man with whom I am having an A doesn't want this, either. He is constantly going back and forth between me and his W. So he doesn't want to end his M either.

The thing is, I know having an A was not the appropriate way to handle our relationship, but it has happened. I feel guilty about it, but I can't change it.

Why does everyone tell him that we shouldn't have a life together just because of how our relationship began? Why can't it be a relationship that moving forward only builds each other up and is otherwise a positive and constructive relationship. We are both good people who have done this one thing that was inappropriate and poorly timed. We hurt someone with our selfishness, but that doesn't mean we should punish ourselves for the rest of our lives, does it?

The title of your thread

"OW asking for insight"

seems an oxymoron to me.

Here's my question:

What do you really want from a site DEDICATED to improving / building marriages?

You are involved in marriage destruction.... so I do not understand your asking the people on THIS site for insight!

Pep

Until you are a married woman who thought you found your dream man who would love you and only you you cannot possibly understand the pain you are causing. I know you see a hurting man and you feel you are giving him something he is missing from his wife. But this man needs to make a choice. I have slept with a married man once when I was young. I knew it was wrong. I knew he did not belong to me. I stopped seeing him when wife found out. End of story. It was not worth that much to me to cause another person that kind of pain.

Sorry this may sound hard, but this is a marriage builder site and not a Marriage Destruction site. If he is going back and forth between you and his wife, it means that his wife is worth it enough for him to stay with her, have homecooked meals and sleep next to her at night. let me ask you this.....Does he stay with you most of the time? He likes having his cake and eating it too, but you see, you are at the lower end of the game, most men get over their little fantasy and go back to their wife and kids which is the most gracious and honorable thing to do.

If he really didn't see anything else with his wife he wouldnt' go back and forth, he'd just pack up and come live with you. And forget the rest, get a divorce and move on. Is he doing that? Do you even know his last name?

I am sorry, you will not find many support here for your beleifs.. its like you are saying "I just destroy a marriage..by cheating, lying and allowed yourself to let part of so much pain and hurt.. and you take it so lightly.. like "its ok.. I want to move on, I want this man to be my husband." Is this the husband or boyfriend you want? Someone who's going to do the same thing to you next time he finds another girl (like you)...

I don't think you are so blind........If you are here... I think you know what you are doing is wrong and should know that what this man is doing to his family is wrong toooo.. I know its easier said than done.. "let him free to be with his wife..." And if he comes back to you....just like us wives would do on Plan B, he would have to leave his wife, move out... and have no contact.. that way he can dedicate his love to you.. unless you do not mind sharing, and being put in 2nd place.

peace ^ i'm out!

Why does everyone tell him that we shouldn't have a life together just because of how our relationship began?
Because he is still married.

We are both good people who have done this one thing that was inappropriate and poorly timed.
And you are continually doing this "one thing which "was" inappropriate and poorly timed".
If I robbed a bank and feel bad about it, does that mean it is now okay if I do it over & over?

We hurt someone with our selfishness, but that doesn't mean we should punish ourselves for the rest of our lives, does it?
NO you should not punish yourselves the rest of your life.
You should end the affair immediately so he can go back (full time) to his wife and repair their relationship. And you should not punish yourself by being with someone who does not care that much for you. You should go on & find a single, unattached man that can be only yours.

<small>[ June 04, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

What makes you think that you are so special that you will be his last affair?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The thing is, I know having an A was not the appropriate way to handle our relationship, but it has happened. I feel guilty about it, but I can't change it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry, but you are quite wrong here. You CAN change it. You're involved in wrong behavior. The only right thing to do in that situation is to stop doing the wrong thing and start doing the right thing. While you may not WANT to do the right thing, doing it IS as easily done as it is said. Sure, it might feel bad as you withdraw, but it's still the right thing.

Do you want to do the right thing, Inga?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why does everyone tell him that we shouldn't have a life together just because of how our relationship began? Why can't it be a relationship that moving forward only builds each other up and is otherwise a positive and constructive relationship. We are both good people who have done this one thing that was inappropriate and poorly timed. We hurt someone with our selfishness, but that doesn't mean we should punish ourselves for the rest of our lives, does it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't have a life with him if he is already committed to a life with his wife.
A continued relationship with him will not only continue to hurt his wife, but will ultimately hurt you and him as well.

Please explain how ending the affair would punish you for the rest of your life? You have it backwards. Pursuing a permanent relationship with this man will have punishing consequences for the rest of your life. Ending the relationship creates freedom for everyone. He will be free to repair his marriage. You will be free to seek a less dysfunctional partner and resolve the issues that keep you in a hollow realationship.

I can tell you from inside experience that married men who cheat on their wives have something wrong with them that you want no part of.

Do right, Inga.

Low

Ok,

Betrayed Husband here, my wife is having an affair and has filed for divorce.

Just want to get my bias out front.

I've also owned my part in the destruction of the marriage, my failures to meet her needs, so I don't want to make it sound like I put all the blame for our broken marriage on her, I don't.

I do blame her for choosing an affair, but that's another discussion.

Ok, let's assume that there is some truth to the idea that he is hurting, because I think this married man probably is hurting and missing something.

And obviously, you are getting something from him, or you wouldn't keep seeing him.

However, doesn't the idea that he is choosing to walk away from a promise or covenant he made to another woman to satisfy his unmet needs raise a red flag. To me it screams, "My happiness is more important than the happiness of the woman I pledged my life to. When my needs are not met, my promises mean nothing."

Seems that way to me. So now you are considering believing his promises to you, while watching him betray similar vows to his wife.

If it were me, knowing what I know about how the Betrayed Spouse feels during an affair, I'd say that you care for him very much, but will not be a part of his breaking his promise to another woman.

An affair will not solve his problems. He will have many of the same issues with you, perhaps not all the same as he has with his wife. But for a bonus, you and he will discover new "improved" issues to solve that he never had with his current wife.

I know, I'm too rational, too much of a thinker, and not much of a feeler.

But it takes both thinking and feeling to get through life, so if you don't strike a good balance, more people will be hurt, maybe even you.

My biased $0.02

Tony

Relationships that begin in deceit and lies will ALWAYS have a basis of deceit and lies. Do you believe that a married man has been honest & TRUE to YOU? He is staying w/ his wife because he loves her - deep down he loves her - not YOU.

You are deceiving your self in believing that he wants you - he maybe going thru a MLC or maybe he's a serial adulterer - but does it matter?

Move on, find a SINGLE man and truly have a REAL relationship. Are you willing to always be 2nd choice, just getting the leftovers?

A Marriage Building site will NOT help you stay w/ a MM. Your seeking help in destroying another couple's vows for your own gain. Please think about his Wife. You DO NOT know the truth between them. You only know what HE tells you.

JMHO
BB2

OK, lunch time for me.

I was already planning to walk down the street to the bank to deposit a chincy $20 rebate check.

But what the heck? Why not make a HUGE withdrawal? So what if I don't have enough in my account, I'll just rob the bank! It doesn't matter that it's not my money, right? Why shouldn't I be able to have that money just because of how I got it to begin with? Why can't I keep moving forward if it only builds my own bank account up and is otherwise a positive and constructive thing to do - because I'm gonna spend it and contribute to the economy, and get even MORE rebate checks!!!!

I've got it. Talk to his wife. Let's see how honest he really is.

Does he talk her down? If yes, why do you think he won't do the same to you if he is unhappy with you?

What you don't realize is that you have an amazing gift here. You have a crystal ball to see what a relationship with him will be like later, if he is unhappy and unfufilled with you. There is a good chance that he'll check out, touch base to see what he can get from you, while running to another woman, crying about how you don't understand him.

All those things that he shares with you right now about how she is so wrong, will be the same types of things he does with the next "other woman"

So just imagine he is talking about you, when he is running down his current wife. There is a good chance that is the future of any relationship you two have.

Tony

I can't believe you are even asking these questions. Until you are the one being cheated on you haven't got a clue as to the hurt, pain, betrayal, etc. etc. that is felt when you find out about the affair.

The reason you can't have a relationship, well gee where to begin. Tell me how would you tell people you met? You going to say the appropriate thing and tell everyone you were the woman who wreck his first marriage and you were the one he had the affair with.

Don't you think that if he did it to his current wife he'll do it to you. What the hell makes you so much better? YOUR NOT!!!!!

If you guys were to have children, would you tell them you met by being the other woman, if he has kids now you going to tell them you were the one who took their daddy away from their mother.

THINK about it....

Hook, line & sinker?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris -CA123:
<strong> Hook, line & sinker? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So are you saying we've been trolled?

Well, even so, I do believe the points made are very valide, even if the only post we have from inga is the first one in this thread.

Tony
Proud to be Trolled, LOL

BTW, I still stand by my suggestion, my answer to her question about someone to confide in, that his wife is probably a good source of information, as well as a very good way to gauge the impact of this relationship on her.

Sarcastic, but with an element of truth,

Tony

Why there aren't more OW on here? I think there are, but they are lurking. And there are quite a few FOW.

Strong words spoken, I am a BS too and your thread has incited some strong emotions in me too.

Imagine your MM's W stood right where you are today, receiving love and joy from this man, talking about a life together, feeling connected, partners against the world. How many years did it take him to get bored with that life and 'find' another person that he shares those things with? And how long will it take before he gets bored with your life too?

Beware of the foolish heart...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not sure that there are very many OW on this site. As an OW, I find it hard to find people in whom I can confide and from whom I can seek advice. The easier-said-than-done answer is to end the A. The man with whom I am having an A doesn't want this, either. He is constantly going back and forth between me and his W. So he doesn't want to end his M either.

The thing is, I know having an A was not the appropriate way to handle our relationship, but it has happened. I feel guilty about it, but I can't change it.

Why does everyone tell him that we shouldn't have a life together just because of how our relationship began? Why can't it be a relationship that moving forward only builds each other up and is otherwise a positive and constructive relationship. We are both good people who have done this one thing that was inappropriate and poorly timed. We hurt someone with our selfishness, but that doesn't mean we should punish ourselves for the rest of our lives, does it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All right, who's the jokester that posted this thread? This post is so full of ridiculous questions it's laughable! Coming on a marriage promoter website to ask these questions. You kill me, Inga!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is great ... So does this mean if his W finds out and shoots you ... But you don't die ,,she shouldn't go to jail or anything .

Cause after all why should she be punished for life for JUST ONE MISTAKE !

OH Mr. policeman ,give me a brack I shot the OW ,I know it was the wrong why to get started I am sorry I promise to move foward in life ..It was just an accident .

OK, one more thing ,, if hes worth anything , then go and tell his W so that you and him can go live happily ever after !

IF you know you want one another and its the real thing then he should be graetful to you for exposing it to his W ... after all I am sure shes a real BI%&% and desrves this cause she may have not IRONED his shrirt right ,, or maybe dinner wasn't ready or the house wasn't clean enough ..

THAT MONSTER ,,, I agree he should leave the waste ,,, and run to you ...

A moral upstanding women . Some one who stood by his side and lied with him , hid with him covers for him .... YEs yes ... YOU are the perfect choice !

BY the way I am a BS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

deleted

<small>[ June 06, 2004, 04:13 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Inga,

Did we scare you off. Really you do need to stop seeing this man. If he gets a divorce then he can be all yours but history could repeat itself and you could be in our shoes. The betrayed spouse. Not a fun place to be.