I really need some good advice right now. You can follow my general story by my last few posts.

I have called an attorney today and will be persuing a divorce unless I can see a better way.

I am 29, a full time student and I have 2 children, a 10 yr old and an 18 month old.

My husband is 31 and a patent attorney.

We have 5 really great years, the last 2 have been pretty awful. He started having an affair last June when our daughter was 6 moths old. I was still carring pregnancy weight and I was breastfeeding. In Aug after a few months of me worrying about him because of his strange distance and disconnection, I asked him he was thinking about divorce, he said yes. This day began a very long year of sadness, grief, loss, you name it because of his "fog". He feel and love with this co-worker and was ultimately rejected by her. I never knew he was having an affair at all. It wasn't until late March that he told me about the OW, who at that time was only a EA. I completely understood and even told him how much it meant to me that he had not gone any further. We separated in March as well, because he was so distant and depressed that it was causing a ton of anxiety and problems. Since then we have slowly but steadily worked on things. I have reconized and taken responsibilty for neglecting his emotional needs, and have put my effort into changing all that. Things have gotten better and better and in fact we finally began reaching a level of intimacy we never realized we could have before.

Fast forward...... Last Thursday my husband came clean with the affair and thus began the hell I'm in now.

After he told me I was relieved, because it explain a ton of things that hadn't made any sense. With our new found understanding of each other I felt that we could get through this and I would do my best to heal from this without causing LB.

Last weekend was great, we spent all our time together, talking and showing affection. I knew it was going to take me time to deal with the deceit and lieing, but I though it could be done because of how attentive and interested in me he was.

Then on Wednesday he informed me he was going to his work volleyball game. He knew I was uncomfortable about it, but persisted in going anyway. Wouldn't really even discuss it over the phone because he "wanted to take a break from the problem" I let it go withour resolution and went out for my evening. At the end of my night (9:30) I was about 1 min from the bar he was at where they play and I called to see what he was doing, only to find out not only did the OW show up to play but she was still there drinking beers with everyone. I told him I would see him in about 30 seconds and I came in the bar. He stopped me in the patio about 3 or 4 tables from where they we're all sitting and preceded to insult me, talk down to me, taunt me, and then dismiss me. I was humiliated.

Something happened to me, a gate was opened and I have been seething with anger ever since. He came by last night and was cocky and defensive about it all. Said he was honest with me that she was there, and that he wasn't going to run away whenever she shows up. He also said he was "sorry" for being so brutal, but that he had a few long islands that night.

All of it is bull. Supposedly the affair has been over since Febuary. I gave him an ultimatum on Tues that he had 3 days to mave back in the house. Today is day 3. We have been separated for 3 months and he has been doing whatever he wants when ever he wants. I have kids all the time and all the responsibilities of our home. I am alone and have 2 friends in the whole city. I have put up with before I knew about the affair because I thought he needed time to trust that I would meet his needs again. What a crock.

I have finals and papers right now and I am failing my classes because I have no help with kids, and my emotions are raging. He has taken off work for the last 2 days to go to the Memorial golf Tournament, without any regard to my needs.

I did not get a chance to give him a plan A or B letter because by the time I knew about the affair it's been over for a while. I asked him last night if he was moving back in and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I am sure I won't hear from him tonight because it's Friday and everyone from work goes out after.

Anyone please help me. What do I do next? Do I finally pack up kids and move on? Do I stay, but for how much longer?

Thanks,

Rachel

rachel - Time for Plan A. Read all about it in the Just Found Out Forum, under the General Questions for All New Builders thread.

Things can get better. But first you need to get strong, and post here.

Rachel, I am so sorry you are here. I would suggest that you do Plan A for a very short while and then move into Plan B. It sounds like you were doing real good until all this blew up. I think he sounds like he's on the fence but really does love you. Right now, though, he is getting his needs met in 2 places so he has no reason to end the affair. As long as he can get away with that, he will.

BUT, before you go into Plan B, you don't want to leave a bunch of lovebusters as the last thing he remembers about you. You want to leave a good taste in his mouth when you go dark.

Do you have any of the Marriage Builders books? Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs are very helpful so I would recommend running to the store and getting them.

Is your semester almost over?