Gosh,

Have I really been gone from the boards for over two weeks? I guess it is a sign that my life is too busy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I still love my new job tremendously. I still hate the commute.

Mostly, I'm living life as best I can from day to day.

My boys are well. DS ceelebrated his 7th birthday over the weekend. We had a great time playing soccer and hanging with freinds. X was there too. I sat at a distance and gained some insight as I watched him play with OS and DS.

I realized that from this day forward, he would no longer be creating memories with the kids. Sure, he still sees dS on his visitation, but this was one moment when I saw that I still will have memories of the kids as a family unit...That stopped for him. I was greiving for the things that I lost, but I STILL have my family...I know I'm not expressing whatI'm trying to get out clearly. I guess I'm trying to say that I am grateful that I still have that opportunity.

With my focus being on my pain and the things that I did wrong, I forgot to look up and see what it is that I still have and what I'm doing right. I'm so blessed with these beautiful souls in my life...I'm glad that I noticed and can appreciate the gift that they bring to me.

Well, tomorrow would have been x's wedding day. I wasn't sure what to believe when he told me the wedding is off. Of course he still holds me responsible. I wish he would wake up and see that the choice was his and his partner's. It's what she ISN't saying to him and is using ME ti hide behind that worries me.

Regardless,I finally arrived at the realization that fighting over the house was keeping me stuck. I called my lawyer and told her to settle this. I also requested access to the premisis so I can get my things out.

Timing is everything. So, I made that decision and sure enough, the diamond engagement ring that X gave me that I continued to wear broke! The band split at the joint between the diamond mounting and the band itself. How's that for a sign from God Still Seeking?

Another sign from GOD happened today. Just J- please pay attention tot this because I REALLY need your input - JL you too!

I received a call from dS's IC. She was touching base with me about things. I explained to her the stuff about the house and then she sharees sher thoughts with me.

She said that she felt that x is confused. She stated that my stuff at thte house keeps hope alive for x. So I asked her, If he is still interested then why does he keep insisting that gF is his life and that is where he wants to be?
She said that he's still very angry at me and that if it IS really over, then I shsould get my things out of the house.

He's leaving for his 'honeymoon' that isn't, tomorrow. What can I say? I hope that he receives the wake-up call like I did when I went to Vegas?

I told the counselor that no matter what I do, nothing is right or makes him happy. How can I keep living for something when it's a no win situation? Sure, in the deepest places in my heart, I would love to set things right...but I feel like I screwed up too badly to deserve a chance. Instead, I continue to live with the mess I made. I have made an omelette out of the broken eggs...it tastes pretty bitter at times, but it is my life.

When I thought that they were getting married this weekend, it hurt beyond words. I had an experience where I 'woke up' and wondred why i'm here...my life was supposed to be with him, not here...Anyway, I realized thatt whatever his choices are, they're his to make. As much as I hurt inside, I have to keep walking and smiling.

The custody settlement is two weeks away. I'm a little sad and hurt that this is still going on. Why couldn't we just get our sh1t together for our son? For us?

A few weeks ago he sent me an email telling me that he missed me. He wanted to know why it couldn't be the way it was when I was plan-Aing my a$$ off. nice that he noticed.

I miss what we had too. At least the good of what we had. i miss the friend he used to be before his job became his life....He used to care so much about me andour dreams...Now he barely has time for his son.

Why doesn't he value what we had? she's his world and everyone else is invisible. He doesn't see that she's using him.

Anyway, I'm okay...Thanks for listening.

<small>[ June 22, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: God-within-kily ]</small>

Hmmmm.

Kily, my first thought is

your internal reality and feelings (his world is the GF)

may not be the same as

external reality and actions (dS's IC thinks he's confused, the wedding is OFF -- woohoo!)


Please think about that quite a while before making any moves. Have your lawyer get all the paperwork done and then just hold onto it for a while.

You said you feel like you screwed up too badly for things to ever be right again.

Gee, hon, I vote for a different option. I vote for this one: "I screwed up so badly that I deserve for things to be right, completely and utterly RIGHT."

And also this one (because i've been reading The Power of Now): "All things are the perfect expression, in each moment, of the manifestation of the Universe's desire to know itself. In this moment I am perfection. In this moment my situation is perfect. In this moment, I can choose any action that takes me in any direction, into each perfect, yet different, moment."

And one more. Read this one out loud and understand that YOU are saying it: "I am that I am." How can YOU be anything less than you are? You are as you are right now in this moment. Is this perfect creature deserving of any less a great situation?

Please, have a chat with your toes. What do your toes want right now? If they could have anything they wanted, what would it be?

Now, I bet your head is saying to your toes, "You can't have that!" Well, your head is smart, but it's well-trained to suppress the desires of your toes, because it seems to me that toes never quite grow up. So ... convince your head that your toes really do want what they want... and convince it that it's your head's job to figure out how to do that in a legal and ethical and responsible way.

Somehow, it will help. And no, I do not know how. I just know that it will.

shameless bump-


J, I'll post tonight.

Hello Kily,
.............sometimes it's hard to start. These kind of posts have me wishing God would visit you (right after you wrote the post) and hug you and say: "Kily, you will be alright. I am looking out for you, I will take care of you - keep trying, don't give up."

In fact, I wish I could post more often, but I put my own family (especially my W) first.

People chase their dreams. Often we don't know what we run after - and when we get it, it sometimes seems so hollow. You have the benifit of hindsight - you can look back and learn. You made serious mistakes, and that's why you wish it could be different. We can't change the past, but we can alter the future by how well we live today. I see a bright future for you.


A few weeks ago he sent me an email telling me that he missed me. He wanted to know why it couldn't be the way it was when I was plan-Aing my a$$ off. nice that he noticed.

It can't be that way because you reserve that kind of effort for the one and only. He says he is not that person for you. You really ought to tell him the reason point blank. That is part of radical honesty - and I think he still needs it.


I miss what we had too. At least the good of what we had. i miss the friend he used to be before his job became his life....He used to care so much about me andour dreams...Now he barely has time for his son.

One of the reasons I encourage you to follow after God is that until we know the truth about God, we can't know it about ourselves. Is there really a heaven? Is there really someone that knows it all, and can help us find the truth? What are we chasing after? What SHOULD we be chasing after?

HE is running so hard after things that are less important. 100 years from now, what will his thoughts be about time spent on his job? Stephen Covey (in 7 habits) said "how many people on their death beds with they would have spent more time at the office."

Why doesn't he value what we had? she's his world and everyone else is invisible. He doesn't see that she's using him.

Perhaps he is using her to forget - perhaps they are using each other.

Anyway, I'm okay...Thanks for listening.

When you wrote that post, you were not OK. You are doing better, but you still have a ways to go. Do you understand that all of us do? Do you realize that it is not just you? When you talk to Just J, do you see both sides of HER? DO you see the smart, successful, outgoing, happy side? Do you also see the hurt, sad, betrayed, doubtful side?

Unless we are perfect, both sides are necessarry for us to grow and continue to learn. In order to get answers we have to ask questions. If we lived only in the happiness part of ourselves we would never ask them.

Kily, don't think the good part of the journey is over. There may be a million "down" days left to you, but there will be a million "up" days to balance them out.

How could you know joy without sorrow.
How can we feel good without pain.
You have to have bad days to realize,
That flowers don't grow without rain.

So, if all your days don't seem sunny,
If sometimes your well has run dry.
Remember that good days will follow,
the bad days that made Kily cry.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
Ok, I am rusty, but you get the idea.


Now, I want to know if you are having good days too - I want to hear about those. If they still seem hollow,I want to hear what your plan is for the next year or so.

This does take time, JL has often told you that. It is true. It may take another couple of years. I promise you that if you will continue to try, If you will continue to seek God, if you will live as well as you know how to live, you will find the happiness you are looking for.

How are you coming with that bible of yours? Are you reading often? Does it help?

Lots more thoughts, no more time. I need to dig up J's thread and talk to her for a few minutes.

Here's to joy in the journey.

SS

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Still Seeking-

Yes, you seem to understand exactly where I'm coming from...my sadness comes from what I wish I did differently. You certainly did put that into words well.


All-

I am sitting here at the eve of the custodial review with the court investigator. Basically, tomorrow she reviews her "findings" and makes a recommendation to us based on that in an attempt at settlement. If we do not adopt her suggestions, we go to trial on the 7th of July. It will then be decided on the 8th of July.

I'm at a place where I simply want it behind me. I just want it in writing and permanent so I don't have to keep wondering and worrying.

I had a "session" with X at a counselor last thursday and in that session, he wanted to know WHY we can't be friends.

In that session, I VERY emotionally told him how I am tired of being blamed for all of the wrong in his life, I told him that I was tired of being judged, condemned, accused, and held accountable for the end of our relationship. I told him that I didn't WANT to be involved AT ALL in his relationship...I don't want to know anything at all about it...I could care less, so that is why I do not want to have any contact with him. In fact, I explained more than once that after the house is settled, I want to go my own way and want nothing to do with him...

It pissed me off because he presented himself as some angel that never does anything wrong. Mr. I have it all together and SHE's (meaning me) the one with ALL the issues. I'm angry right now because he keeps bending all the rules, screwing around with the visitation, not going to counseling until threatened by my lawyer with contempt of court, etc. He keeps getting away with it too and no one seems to even notice...Yet, I'm now having to go to 4 different counseling appointments per week (2 for me and 2 for the kids). I've been working my a$$ off to ensure that I am healthy and will NEVER repeat the past again...and I just feel like I'm struggling and barely able to keep my head above water.

The counselor looked at him and asked him if I answered his question as to WHY I don't want his friendship.

So, as it stands, I have been making several written requests to get into the house which he still refuses. I have contacted my lawyer (yet again) to try and get my stuff out of there. He stated that he has moved everything of mine into storage but has yet to give me any information on where it is...I'm not so much upset that my stuff is in storage, I'm upset that he has to be so decietful and dishonest about it all. I sincerely wanted it out...I need closure, I just hate his approach...all the more reason to not have anything to do with him after the settlement.

We've been having nothing but confrontations when we are together. He threatened to print out all of my MB posts and bring them to the court investigator. I realized that if a person will use your fears and haunts, and your outlet of emotions about those things to hurt you, then that person isn't worth knowing. He would actually use my growth and dreams of what might have been in a manner to hurt me and try to prove that I'm emotionally unstable. My answer to him when he stated that was "go right ahead"...

I found it REALLY interesting that he was even poking into my business anyway. I feel like I can't even come to this forum anymore because anything I write will be thrown in my face.

HEY X, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, THEN WHY NOT GO TO THE BEGINNING AND START THERE! YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING.

In FACT HERE's TH E LINK for you!
Link's from Day one

Yeah like THAT will happen.

Anyway, I'm pretty aggrivated and feeling unforgiving at the moment. Tihs too shall pass and I will update you all when I can about the custody issue.

Thanks for putting up with my angry outburst.

(((((((((( kily )))))))))))

Let us know how things go tomorrow, when you have the time to post.

So your x hasn't changed one bit, has he? He needs a swift swing of the MB 2x4 to the noggin'... maybe THAT would knock some sense into him?

It's still all about him, unfortunately. And until he can let go of that view, and actually care about how HIS actions affect himself AND others, then he'll never change.

I'm sorry you are still dealing with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But at least an end IS in sight. That's a good thing.

Take care,
Karen

Kily,
I only get a small snapshot from this post. There are many more things going on in your life. More fawcets to this diamond.

I can see your anger. You are trying to heal, and you have made offers of peace to X but you feel he has not accepted peace. I wonder if he could identify in writing what he wants from you. "Why can't we be friends" is so vague. Do you understand exactly what it is that he wants. Does he? I wonder if he does, or if his longing is for what might have been - also.


I don't fault you for being angry, I still have a problem with that myself sometimes. It is hard to undestand what others are thinking and feeling, and it is hard to understand why they don't see things the same as we do.

I know life is full of trade offs.
Longer commute, better pay.
Longer commute, less time with sons.
Better pay, less stress when paying bills.

Pro's and con's - we make choices. Things are never exactly how we would like them. Does he want everything? Does he EXPECT everything?

I know you have both good days, and bad days. I hope the hearing was better than you thought. I would like to see you have a break.

It would be nice to see X get a break too, but he made choices that prevent some possible outcomes to this, just as you made choices so long ago.

What you wish for is possible. Everyone has the right to choose for themselves, but by faith you can find the happiness you seek. You have made mistakes, but you can come back, and that is all the way back, not half way, or part of the way. I think you are much closer to where you want to be than perhaps ever in your life. Don't let the discouragement take over. I think you can bring the hope back if you will think on it for a while. Perhaps by now you already have.

Hug the boys for us - enjoy them while they are young. The challanges will continue, but it's the good, the fun, the joy that you remember. Concentrate on making those memories, work on the rest, but concentrate on the good. Love, companionship, sharing.........all these will come back to you in Gods time. Believe that he can do that for you. Believe that he will.

SS

Later edit -
I read your post again, and I laughed and laughed. You are much tougher now, I probably shouldn't worry. I hope I don't ever get on your bad side. (Hmmm, or Karens either for that matter.) You gals are something else. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 23, 2004, 04:12 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>