I feel like there is a huge wall between us. We're in recovery, we come to points in talking where it's all I can do to contain my LB and I have to stop. Sometimes I don't stop in time, but that doesn't happen that often anymore. She won't open up to me.... she shows no emotion, no passion, no affection. She says she loves me, but rarely shows it! The icy stares she gives me say "I hate you!"

It's killing me, I want her back with me so badly. There is nothing that I am unwilling to do to win her back emotionally.

She says she's scared of opening up to me because she's afraid of my reaction. She's been the object of LB for a long time. I've been an a$$. But at the same time she absolutely refuses to meet me at any level to really work on this thing together. She just recently decided that she wants to work on the marriage despite her fears that it won't work.

She holds all the power and control at this point. I've laid all my cards on the table and made myself vunerable at every level. She continues to disregard my feelings and interests to fulfill her own. She will go out driving at night and blow off steam, even though I don't want her too. It's scarey! I'm afraid!

RWS,
My wife was the same way in the beginning. She ended the affair as soon as DDay but didn't recommit to me for awhile. She was afraid that the new Plan A me was a phony to fake her into coming back.

If you've been angry, too. Keep PLan Aing. Show her that the affair made you "hit bottom" (alcoholic term) and that you're never going back.

cwmac

Thanks, I'm really trying to keep cool. But her shutting me out isn't helping out at all. Every fear, and doubt I have can be taken away if she'd just open up to me and really share from her heart. It would sweep away these hellish feelings of doubt. It's almost like she's enjoying the control she has in this scenario. I really don't think she does, but it just feels so cruel.

Thanks for your input.

How long did it take for your wife to come around. Got any more ideas for things I could do?

Out!

Dear Runningwithscissors,

First.....I remember the "anger" in my H's eyes. Almost what you call "hate"...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He was like that right before he "told me all". It was like he was doing everything in his head to blame me for his actions.

I too was a great LBer and my H really had to see for himself for quite a while that he could trust that my "changes" were real. He had already in his mind....D me. Given up.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

For us it was M/C~~~ God and a lot of reading.
We went on weekly dates/ we had to talk and could NOT talk about our kids or jobs! Forced us to really communicate with eachother.

We also together read the five love languages and that really helped us!

We learned by talking what our needs were. And surpisingly they were NOT what we each thought!! For some reason when we are in plan A we try doing things for our S's that WE want. This usually seems to be NOT what they want!!!

I really suggest reading this book......may be just do what I did??? I bought the book. Brought it home. Said "Let's read this".....he said not too enthusiastic o.k. I READ THE WHOLE BOOK!!! We devoured it.

Put into practice the "love bank theory" and really follow thru with the asking daily for 10 days ...."how's your love bank?"

Sounds corny I know..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But really really helped us to communicate again.

Today....our M is going on 8 mos. since actual D/D and I can not express how wonderful our M is going!!!

Good Luck in your R
"Be Consistant in your actions"

Blessings,
Atruheart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Running,

First off... your name... I was involved in making a movie called "Running with Scissors" and seeing it in print almost knocked me off my chair.

Secondly... breathe.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I am the betrayed as well and for the last 7 months my WW has been treating me as if I was the one who had the affair... as if this was all my fault. For me, this has been the toughest thing to deal with. If you read "Surviving an Affair" you will find that it is not all that uncommon. It took me 2 months to get through that book because when I read certain bits the 'injustice' got me so angry I had to put the book down.

That being said, you must understand that you are at a point where you are going to have to perservere and do most of the work. You have to pave the way for reconciliation by doing an awesome Plan A. It is tough, slow work and your patience will be stretched to it's absolute limit. The end result though, is that slowly the wayward starts to feel that it's safe to open up.

Gradually, (so is the theory) you begin to meet each others emotional needs and make deposits into th'ol Love Bank. You begin to reconnect. This takes time. But like the sands in an hourglass the effect is cumulative and if you hold your course, you begin to bond again.

For me, the trick to dealing with all this theory and putting it into practice (which I've found easier said than done) is to keep in mind the 'finished product'... the end result.

Nothing worthwhile is easy.

dewt