I'll be brief cause I don't have a lot of time...

Minidewts problems with behaviour at school have got him kicked out of the daycare program. The school is being helpful in getting him some counselling through community services, but that could take some time.

Meanwhile, no afterschool care means I have to leave work at 2:30 in the afternoon to get him. This is very bad. Not only does it limit my hours and severely inhibit my ability to bring in a decent paycheck, but also prevents me from being able to shoulder the responsibilities of running a crew.

I called Dylan, explained the situation and asked her to drop everything and come help me with this. (I didn't phrase it like that) After bantering a few ideas back and forth, she agreed and is coming tomorrow.

That will leave a lot of things unfinished in Smalltownsville but I figure we can make weekend trips back there as a family to deal with it.

I think this is a great opportunity, despite the unpleasant circumstances surrounding it. There are three weeks left of school and we will see how things go. That should be enough time to determine if a reconciliation is possible of if we will be parting ways.

This may sound odd, but in a way I'm grateful for the hell I've been through because it has taught me patience and acceptance. I'm not all that freaked out by her coming and feel like I'm emotionally equipped for whatever happens.

(of course that's just how I'm feeling right now, check back in an hour)

dewt

Dewt, I am really really glad you asked for her help in dealing with this situation. This is just as much her responsibility as it is yours, and her son NEEDS her there! I'm glad she also agreed to come! I hope things go well!

Thanks for the reply and the well wishes!

Me too, I hope things go well. It was a little touchy there for a moment. And I guess I shouldn't relax too much as there are still MANY issues to be resolved. For now though, the focus will be on our son.

The panicky feeling that I've been struggling with for 7 months seems to have faded. I think I've reached a point where saving this marriage isn't the frantic grasp that it was. The boundries that I was struggling to understand seem to have wormed their way into my way of thinking and even though I still don't understand, I feel kind of powerful within myself.

This is a nice change.

dewt

Dewt, hope it works out with your son. Nice to see you in a better place now. I'm getting stronger as well. Good luck talk to you later.

Woe

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dewt

Dewt, didn't have time to post before but wanted to add something. It has taken me a lot longer but like you I also have that feeling of power back. I'm no longer reacting but rather have W guessing as to what is going to happen next. She continues to talk about the female members of her team to give it credibility but as always I remain silent during discussions of her team. But I justn't wanted to offer support and say I am glad you are starting to feel this way. You do what you can live with and nothing more. I have gotten to a place where I know I will never again be in this guys company and play the fool. I have a 17 yr. old son and I just look at him and think how little he would think of me if he knew I participated in this lunancy. Yes he would be pissed at his mother but as a man I have to do what is right for me. Not spite just boundaries etc. I think time really does help even if nothing changes. You can just begin to approach things more logically and that's a plus.
Take care.

I agree. A big plus. With this stregnth comes self respect and self esteem. Two things that weren't terribly solid even before this whole thing started. So in a way, this whole ordeal has been kind of good for me.

Whoa... did I just say that?

Ok. Obviously I'm not getting stronger, I've just gone insane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

dewt

Dewt,

Sounds like God might be working behind the scenes here.


Weaver

No kidding. He's been working behind the scenes the whole time.

I'm just hoping that He's through with the tough love.

Mini and I picked her up and even had a short visit with Maxidewt. She's here now and things seem a little awkward, at least on my part. Not sure what to say or do... just trying to play it cool.

dewt

<small>[ June 06, 2004, 08:39 PM: Message edited by: dewt ]</small>

What I meant was that it seems you have been given a situation where she has no choice to come home for three weeks. What better chance for you to spend time together as a family.

I think it could be a really good opportunity for you.

Every thing I have read that you have written has been so insightful and kind to everyone else.

I sincerely hope things go good for you in the next three weeks.

I didn't mean what I said in a mean way.

Weaver

Hey no problem. I didn't take it in a mean way. My reply was honest and sincere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This has been a very spiritual journey for me and God has made it pretty plain that he's at work on me.

I'm glad she's here. Really glad that she pulled through for me and Mini when we really needed her. To be honest I would much rather have waited until she was ready on her own to come home. If I had my choice about it, I'd have not put this on her.

If and when she comes back to ME, it's important... no, vital that it be 'cause she wants to, not 'cause she's in a position where she feels she has to.

Thanks for your kind words. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm gonna sign off for the night so that we can sit together and talk.

ttfn,

dewt

dewt, good luck! sounds good.i too am working with oldest s and anger problems,kicked out a window at school. it's going to cost us 350 dollars.ouch! but w and i are working thru it.

good luck and best wishes.
dmb1967

Hello Dewt,

How are you? Last I read of your news was that Dylan was coming to help you with mini. How's that going? Have you and Dylan been talking about any of your own issues? Will you be working on your marriage together? How's the counselling going? Hope all is coming along.

Peace,
Odyssey

Howdy folks. Thanks for your replies.

Things here are going reasonably well. Mini is soooo happy to have mom back. His behaviour seems to be stabilizing, though much of it is habit. With two of us here, it's easier to catch things and deal with them right off the bat.

As for me, well, I'm doing ok. Mostly ok. I'm having moments of extreme pain. Visuals, heartache, stuff like that. Dylan and I are spending lots of time together in the evenings, but it's hanging out stuff. I'm doing my best not to bring up relationship talks. I think it's only fair to give her some time to settle in before I start asking questions.

I'm really hurting from the lack of intimacy. We were walking to the story yesterday and I tried to hold her hand as we walked. Her hand was limp... no feeling, if you get my meaning. I asked her later if I should avoid intimate things like that and she said 'yes'. That really hurt. My mind shot immediately to the OP and how Dylan went out of her way to spend time with that person. What's so wrong with me? I can't stand comparing myself to OP and realizing that I get sooo much less... I'm finding this sooo tough to deal with.

One thing for sure, I'm realizing that there is no way in the world I can keep this up indefinitly. I'm human. I have needs and limits. One of those needs is to feel loved and wanted and like someone actually wants to hold my hand and cuddle with me and stroke my hair and gaze into my eyes... I don't think it's unreasonable of me to want this in my life. I want it from Dylan... OP got it. I don't get it. It makes me want to scream in rage and agony.

All the forgiveness that I'd nurtured in my heart towards the OP has dissolved and hatred and resentment is working it's way back in. I have visuals now (why would that develop after 6 months?) of them being intimate and the visuals actually make me nauseous.

I know right now we are supposed to be focused on taking care of Minidewt, and for the short term I can do it... but I am human, and I do have feelings. I do have limits. Something is going to have to give soon...

Ack.

dewt

Oops... in answer to your questions...

No, we are not 'working on our marriage'. We are 'working on Mini'. Of course my thinking is that one of the things Mini needs is a functioning parental unit... but I keep reminding myself, 'one step at a time'.

Counselling is taking a back seat for the next week or two till there are funds for it.

We've done almost no talking about our issues. I think rushing into that would do more harm than good right now.

dewt

Dewt - I'm going to say this as gently as possible, but WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?? You KNOW your wife came back to help with mini - when you push with intimacy it just feeds her thoughts that your REAL motivation is to get her back.

BACK OFF! Be her friend. DO NOT initiate stuff like that. And while I know you're hurt by her reaction - you SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED! You KNOW BETTER!

Quit thinking with your feeling muscle and start using your THINKING muscle.

Hello Dewt,

Hey, I really feel for you; your situation is not an easy one. I can relate to you on what it is like to long for intimacy. In your time with Dylan, do you feel that it is still Dylan that you want the intimacy from? Besides the fact that you want your family "back", are you clear on your feelings for her? Are you in love with her? I'm throwing out the questions for you to reflect on. As far as not knowing how long you will be able to go on like this, you may want to place some mental time limits on her stay with you as well as time limits for her to make a decision as to what she would like to do about your marriage. Also, I was wondering, does Dylan still have contact with OP? I know that it is difficult for you and for Dylan to have "talks", but maybe you could both agree to have ONE conversation a week, in order to review where you are each at... no decisions, just a conversation so that you may each orient yourselves as to next steps. The conversation doesn't have to be heavy and it doesn't have to focus on your marital relationship, it could simply be about sharing how you both feel about the past week. Also, I think you both need to consider how "well" mini is feeling. Do you realize that if/when Dylan decides that she may not want your marriage, and may have to move out of your apartment, this will really hurt mini in a much greater and more profound way than the first time, even if you think you have made it clear to him that this may be temporary. Your child's trust in you may be really broken, your relationship will suffer, and he will feel like he is abandonned emotionally by BOTH of you and physically by at least one of you.
Dewt, I'm praying endlessly for you. I know it's a tough thing you are living. One thing I do see in your writing is that you have grown stronger even in the midst of this situation. Maybe you are even strong enough to REALLY consider your own needs as a person and do what YOU need in order to survive as well.

Peace,
Odyssey

Yep, I know she came back to help with Mini. Absolutely. I'm not 'pushing' the intimacy either, 'testing the waters' would be a better way of putting it. I have been living in a pretty horrible emotional limbo for... oh... almost 8 months now and quite frankly, I'd really like to know where I stand. I haven't made any demands or otherwise pressured her to talk with me about this, but I am a feeling person and to try to pretend to be otherwise (indefinately) is not going to do anything good for my psyche.

Anyway, I asked her, she said she wasn't comfy, I dropped it. So consider me 'backed off'. On the other hand, I do have personal boundries set. I understand she needs some time to adjust, but I cannot live like this indefinitely. So, a-la-Harley, I've set a time limit for this arrangement. It's not a big rush at this point. I'm going to encourage her to go to a session or two of counselling to help her gain some clarity, but again, I'm human and I have my limits.

As for my motivations. I needed help with Mini. As for the marriage, well, it's no secret that I want her back. That I want to rebuild our relationship into the powerful and wonderful partnership that it could be.

Am I surprised by her reaction? No not really. I am really hurt. The hurt is amplified by thoughts of the OP, the homewrecker, and how that person took my wife and wrecked my family and tore apart my sons world. How does that person deserve my wife's care and intimacy while I, the person who REALLY loves her gets treated so distantly? I have to focus very hard on quelling these thoughts because... well, you know.

"Quit thinking with your feeling muscle and start using your THINKING muscle.

Yep. Good advice. The thing is, I FEEL. I have a heart and emotions and they are a part of me. For the time being, I can control them. When I feel the need, I post about them for insight and support. (which you guys give me and I really appreciate) As far as Dylan is concerned, I'm keeping my cool. No LBing.

Odyssey, yes it is most definately Dylan I want the affection from. She is my wife and the mother of my child. I want to rebuild with her. I have come to a point (after my experiences over the past half year) where I know that I could find happiness with someone else if it came to that. But I'm determined to see this through. For me, and my son too. Actually, truth be told, if it weren't for him, there is no way in the world I would have accepted being treated this way. I'd have walked away 6 months ago.

Am I 'in love' with her? I've lost mucho respect for her. I'm appalled with her behaviour and her attitude towards me. But I really don't recognize this person. To use an MB term, I feel like 'the aliens have got her'. I also believe that if she can find that spark of love for me in her heart, and that desire to bring this family back together... if she could find happiness within herself and realize the potential that we have together, and be willing to act on it... Anyway, to answer your question, yes. I am in love with her. The inner her. The 'her' that I know she is inside. As for the 'her' that has been living in her head for the past 8 months. No. I'm not in love with that person. I don't even like that person. That make any sense?

I cannot impose time limits for her to make a decision. That's not my place. On the other hand, as I mentioned above, I have set time limits for how long I'm willing to exist in this emotional limbo. Those are my limits though. Dylan doesn't know what they are, or what the legnth of time is, but before she came, we did discuss things and I did let her know that I was not into living non-intimately with her indefinitely. Hopefully this will not become an issue. Hopefully she will settle in, see some of the changes I've made and want to build this family into what it should be.

Besides, I'm so darn sexy no woman can resist me forever. heheheheheh....

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, I love your idea of a weekly conversation. I will bring it up, although not just yet. I promised myself that I would give her some time to adjust before I started talking R with her.

I spend a lot of time thinking about Mini, and the things that may or may not face him in the future. To tell the truth, I'm really scared for him because I don't know which way this is going to go. But the bottom line is that fears or no fears, I just gotta keep doing my best for him, trust in God and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

I do sooooo appreciate your prayers and thoughts. Please keep praying. I can use all the help I can get. And yes, I have grown stronger. God has helped, I've had some very special people lending me support and teaching me things too along the way. I've done alot to help myself too. Still a long way to go, but at least I'm on the road. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And yes, I am strong enough to consider my own needs. Strong enough to acknowledge them and put them on hold (temporarily) rather than trying to pretend that they don't exist. Strong enough also to put limits on that and at a certain point, walk away if I have too.

And strong enough to decide that to 'survive' is simply not enough...

dewt

Hi Dewt,

I think you are doing great! I can certainly appreciate what you say about merely surviving is not enough; it shouldn't be. You mentionned also that if it weren't for Mini you would not have put up with being treated the way you have been by Dylan... this is very interesting and brought me to an insight... maybe Dylan has been feeling the same way all these years and although the aliens have got her now, maybe the real Dylan is hanging on in the very same way, for the same reasons. Maybe this is why she is unable to make any decisions one way or another. One thing is clear, you love her, but you do not know where she stands. In your note, you did not mention whether or not Dylan has still got contact with the OP. I think it is important to look at this aspect. Did Dylen ever give OP the NC letter? If she still has contact with her, it would be important for you to consider this and yes, even to ask Dylan "why"... just, "why". Don't respond, don't react. Just consider her answer and use it as a gauge for your own personal limits.

I will keep praying for you and your family.

Peace,
Odyssey

As for the no contact with OP, Dylan told me that once she moved here, there would be no contact. I trust her word on that.

I also think your insight is right on the money. Even most of the aspects of the affair experience also point at that.

Anyway, for now I'm going to hang tough. Which really isn't all that bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> For the last 10 yrs she's been my best friend and even if there isn't any physical intimacy, it's still great to have my friend back.

ttfn,
dewt