(From May 26) Thank you all for your support. I have been focusing on improving our marriage with talk, flowers, therapy and more attention to the woman I love. On a Memorial Day weekend “romantic getaway to save our marriage” my wife often brought up the OM. She bragged about how “amazing and spiritual” he is. They have been sent to each other by God. She even ducked out and called him. Carefully, and lovingly I told her in tears that this was breaking my heart and I did not want to control her life, or choice of friends, yet my intuition was telling me danger and that this relationship had potential to do serious damage to our marriage. She explained that they are “kindred spirits” who “speak to each others soul”. “She is so confused, and he can really understand her.” The constant OM bragging stopped, but I have seen calls to him on her phone. Our marriage seemed to be improving and she said that her heart was opening to me again, but she had something scary to tell me, “but don’t freak, because it has a happy ending.” One time, she and the OM were talking, and their eyes met for an awkward moment. They both had to look away. Later, they discussed it and they both “Saw light from God that went straight to their souls.” She says that never had anybody or anything ever moved her like that before. The OM said that she moves him like no women had ever done before. He said that they should not spend private time together as it is killing him that she can’t be with him and he felt she needed to work on our marriage. He likens the situation to "The Bridges of Madison County" and the Alanis Morsette song "Ironic". I was shocked by this, and began feeling like I had misjudged him. Ironically, our marriage was improving because he had threatened it. Again, I told her that FOR NOW, I could not hear or see his name while we were healing. She agreed, told me that she loved me and that she would be home from school at 10:30 PM. By 2:30 AM, she was not home, not answering her phone and not called me. The campus police located her car in a parking structure. I had filled a missing persons report and called her mom in Oregon. Her mom knew of the OM and feared that she had been abducted. This was the scariest moment of my life. I believed that she was being raped, or kidnapped. I tore our house apart trying to locate anything with his address, and I found her private journal. In desperation and jealousy, I opened it and read that she had spent the day before with him at the beach. She also went on to write that they talked a lot about me and her need to stay focused on herself so that our marriage might heal and her heart was opening to me again and she wanted our marriage to work out. At 3:00 AM, the police called and said that she had returned to her car and they had advised her of the missing persons report and to call me. A long 5 minutes later, she called outraged at me. That had been the most humiliating experience of her life. Why can’t I let her live her life and not spy on her? She and the OM had been at Starbucks, sitting on a bench watching the full moon and talking about life and relationships. He again told her that she needed to focus on her. In shock of her reaction to my concern for her safety, I told her that I had read her journal and I knew of the beach day. She flipped. This was the biggest violation of her privacy by anybody in her life. I have never heard her so angry. She was angry like never before. When I asked why she did not call me to tell me she was OK, she said she could not because she was with him and I would have flipped.

She is now out of town on for a relative’s graduation—this trip has been planned for weeks and she left the same morning (5:00 AM from LAX). She was home for only 1 hour and we argued most of the time and the drive to the airport. She tried to kiss me at the airport and I could not. It was hard to even hug her. I told her that I thought she should try to get a later flight so we could talk and she said she did not want to. I got in the car and drove away in rage. She called me scared from the airport terminal in LAX and Portland. I told her that she had no regard for my well-being nor our marriage and that she had driven the last nail into the coffin. This frightened her and she said what do you mean by that? I told her that she had a choice to make: Stop all communication with the OM FOR NOW, so that we could heal, or I could not live like this. “So you’re giving me an ultimatum?” I told her no, I’m not. She can do whatever she wants, but I cannot live like this. She said she could not give me answer, and that I did not understand the OM. He was trying to build, not destroy our marriage. She agreed to more therapy when she returned.

I am angry, and terrified. For the first time in 7 years, I do not trust my wife. I’m suspicious of everything. I’m even calling her cell phone company to see is she is calling the OM. I do not know what or who to believe. The day this all went down, she told me that she was falling in love with me again. She then stayed out staring at the moon with the OM until 3 AM. This is so confusing. I am scared that we now our destined for divorce, but I still love her. She has class with the OM until 10 PM for the entire summer. I can't even stomach her in class with him, but without, she does not get her masters in the Fall. How should I proceed?

The OM is NOT interested in making your marriage better. He is interested in getting into the sack with your wife. All the spiritual,"God" talk is just to make cheating on you seem okay to her.

I would insist that she drop the class. She cannot be around this guy any longer if she wants to stay married. She can take the class later.

I agree with what Believer said but I also know that your W is heavily in the fog, especially that part about seeing God while looking into each others eyes. Sheesh.

Anyway she won't take orders or demands to stop seeing him so it's best not to demand it. She'll just see you as controlling.

Have you read about Plan A? If not do so up on the MB main page. Put together your plan while she's ouy of town.

Most women do not like "needy" husbands so you need to keep all of that nervous energy and anxiety to yourself. Excercise will help diminish the anxiety.

What was your R like with your W?
Have their been any big changes n her life?
Do you have children?
Is OM married? If so, his wife should be told.

Your W is having an emotional affair with this guy. Besides the MB principles which are great, I suggest a book that'll help you, "Not Just Friends."

It has an excellent definition of an EA

In the short run, you can also search the web for articles by the book's author, Shirley Glass.

Give more info on the marriage and your W so others can help.

I wish you well.

cwmac

There was never any doubt in your mind where this was heading. Absolutely ignore her screams about privacy etc. She is playing with your life as well as hers so you have a right to know. This may be a crapshoot but since mother knows about OM I might think about asking her to intervene. Yes there will be lots of screaming from W, but just keep reading all the "just found out" posts and you'll realize it is insignificant compared to being on that board. Yes Plan A but I also think get combat ready. Maybe even go to the OM. After all it has gotten to a ridiculous level and he might be man enough to walk away if he knows how your W is repeating all the nonsense he is feeding her. I have been down the "spiritual connection path".

Response to various questions
My age: 37
Wife: 32
OM: 32

OM:

Fired from last 3 jobs. 1 undergraduate, 1 masters, and working on 2nd masters.

Recenlty broke up with girlfriend. Lives at home with parents.

My wifes's mom is really into New Age. Divorced 4 times. Currently in reloationship with her "soulmate of 34 years" who is married. She buys into the whole "spiritual" thing but cried with me on the phone when my wife was missing. When she was found, she cried with me and told me that she was sorry and loved me. She also said that it was odd that my wife did this as in a converstion earlier in the day, she told her mom that her heart was opening to me again. (Stories from wife, journal, OM and Mom ar all consistent in this regard. Maybe I need to back off and just trust in the process and allow her to see em for who I am without concern for the OM for now. My pushing could turn her away. It KILLS me inside to think of them even talking to each other.

Well, I'm the LAST person in the world to give advice....I'm in a similar situation --my WH had an EA with OW that I'm almost positive turned PA (he refuses to address this, so I take that as an admission...). Like you, my WH tells me how amazing this person is, how she makes him feel good in a way that I never did, how I should be "grateful" to her for "opening my eyes" as opposed to being angry....Terribly hard to hear, and I didn't handle it nearly as well as you did ( I did yell, rant, curse, throw my wedding ring at him...you get the picture)

Now, the hard part. "How she makes him feel good in a way that I never did".....tells me something about what I was (or wasn't) doing in the relationship. No, I don't justify the affair, yet in a strange way I am glad for the wake-up--to see who I really am, to define what the marriage wasn't--and what it should be...and how I need to change...whether it is with him or not. And don't mistake me, I still get mad, and hurt, and think that all he is doing now is leading me on so that he can dump me "as friends".....since we have two young kids....but in the end, I know that I can change, and I will be ok.

Your wife is in the fog, big time. So is my husband. At times I see signs of emergence, and then once again, the lies start. Please try plan A--there are people here who can explain it better than me (and I have fallen off the plan A wagon, but had to get right back on)....but as someone said, also be prepared and take care of yourself.

Good luck.

I was faithful yet unconcious. I am a new person in touch with what really matters in my life.

Time to read plan A...

How are you doing??

I know about the "unconscious" part....I feel like I am waking up from a deep drugged-out sleep....