Andi51, welcome to MB, a great place to heal. OK, you don't specify which particular EN OM meets but I'm going to assume it isn't sex. In my case I am doing a very long and tiring plan A. From personal experience and perhaps not so much MB principals I have extended W tremendous patience. My problem is also an EA which makes it possible for me to carry on this way. But the positive aspect of patience is you are not doing anything on an emotional level. I am at a point where I can really look at this logically and have in my opinion steps in place to make the weight of this A too much for wife to bear in the coming months. In other words it won't be worth it. But I had to make sure she wouldn't run away and in the beginning I didn't have that confidence. Gaining confidence and control is very important. You make decisions you can live with and not guess and hope. So to answer your question I would caution you to prepare for a long haul. You've been with your H for 30 years and while I don't think you want to enable him you don't want to look back and say I wished I done this or that. He needs your strength, love and support. He isn't doing this to hurt you but because he's addicted. That word sounds like a weak excuse to continue the A but I don't think so. My W tolerates tremendous pressure from me just so she can hear OM's voice on the phone for a few minutes. I often wonder how can it be worth all the grief I give her. But somehow it is. So same here. You have to be the lighthouse and continue to plan A. You can plan A as long as he lets you. Also let him talk to you about the A and validate his feelings. Don't push him away. As I said before you'll never look back and say I wish I didn't try so hard. Be loving and patient. I'll check back and hope others will also join in. It will be OK.

WOE

WOE,
Thanks for the response. It seems to me so many people are advocating Plan B that I'm really confused about what to do. I really believe in my heart that you have the right idea, at least in my situation. I know everyone's situation is different and what works for one doesn't work for all. I too want to give this everything I've got. I want to be sure I've done my very best and if he can't (won't) give me much right now, I'll have to be giving enough, strong enough and patient enough for both of us. I think I owe our 30 year marriage (34 yr relationship) at least that. He IS addicted. There's no doubt in my mind. He often comes home from seeing her and is in a major FOG zone - even looks drugged! But, he totally denies that. He says it's real love, not an addiction, and that's why he can't (won't) let it go.
He does promise me he'll work on this as much as he feels he can and I see some signs of his attempting to build the love bank. I'm concerned though that everything I'm doing to make deposits in his love bank is being negated by the emotions of the affair. It makes me wonder if I'm wasting my time, energy, and emotion. I am patient and I can forgive a lot but how will I know when I'm beating a dead horse?
Andi51

Andi51, I tend to be way to sympathetic to the WS perspective. I would say the main reason for that is experience. I definitely was where you're at and with 3 kids and an otherwise very good relationship with my W, plan B was never a consideration. As much as contact continues to hurt me I am finally surviving this. My M will survive and eventually thrive in my opinion. So the while the rule of thumb is Plan B in an effort to end the A everybody's situation is different as you said. Plan A is about making positive changes in you. Not temporary changes but things you really want to improve. Combine with meeting husbands EN AND continually asking him to end the Affair. You had mentioned you may consider counseling with SH. If you can do this I highly recommend it. He is very good and even if husband won't participate he is worth talking to alone. Here's some other things to think about; is the OW as "in love" with husband as he is with her? It is possible that this is all in his head and his head alone. If that is the case she'll eventually stop making the deposits and grow quickly tired of him. The other thing is to give yourself a time frame to fix this. Not a drop dead date but if after such and such time, if no progress, you'll insist husband join you in MC. Or you'll consider Plan B etc. Also is OW aware that you know? If she is not and she really doesn't love him you could end this with a phone call. Of course he'll scream bloody murder but in hindsight I wish I would have done that. Keep reading and keep posting. I think you will begin to see a theme in the responses.

Andi51, I just read your other post. Now that I have the whole story I would suggest you disregard my earlier advice. If the mother of the OM is all for this A and your children are aware and the entire community there is no more reason to tap dance. I think a call to Steve Harley is in order. This is a much larger threat to your marriage than I earlier thought.