CHRIS,

HELP! Feeling useless and helpless. Needing a dusting off here. Waited so long for H to get out of the A, and now he is in withdrawals and I feel even more invisible than ever. I feel so hurt I just want to give up. Every now and then he comes around out of the withdrawals and gives me a passionate kiss or something that will blow me away. Or he will say something like today he was kissing me and our son busted between us and said mommy and daddy are getting married and H said mommy and daddy are already married. It threw me for a loop, he actually remembered we had vows. Why do I feel so hurt and so tired and like giving up? Why? I can hardly take it and I am part way there. OW quit her job at his work and everything. I just feel terrible. I have changed so much for me I just feel like moving on now, what is wrong with me? I think I am losing my mind, can you shed some light for me? Why do I feel so bad? Isn't this what I wanted? Why do I feel like telling him to stick it now? I am sick of standing here with the darn light in my hand being the lighthouse. I know you can pick me up and dust me off as you have so many times before........ <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

HINY

HINY, I have been staying away from any post that I might actually have to appear hopeful. I've been over in recovery basically whining for an entire week. They have been very good to me over there. But when I saw your post I had to respond.

Listen, withdrawal sucks big time. Listen to those words! It has to be even worse for you because you went through so much more than me with Plan B. Our WSs have supposedly "chosen" us, yet we really don't feel all that special. I think that's where the packing it all up feeling comes into play. It's like, "Finally! I can ease up and maybe he'll really step up to the plate." HINY, step back and realize it isn't going as fast as you want it to go. As much as I HATE saying this, the WS can't just turn off their feelings about the OP, which totally pisses me off.

I can tell you this. My H is further along than yours and he is out of that god-awful beginning stage of withdrawal. However, just last Monday he told me he was in-love with her still. Than the next day he said just talking to me cut those feelings in half, and he really isn't. No wonder us BSs feel like we're losing our friggin minds.

I am in a stage now, which I hope it doesn't happen to you, where this intense anger is emerging over the A, but H doesn't have a clue. Otherwise I'd LB him to death. So I'm LBing here.

What you are going through is normal. The alien still hasn't left his body. I thought it had, then just last week was shocked to realize it hadn't totally left. Before, we knew they were aliens. This in-between state is rough. The passionate kisses show you he is remembering what he had with you. Just keep venting here.

I know that wasn't helpful. Sorry. Just wanted to show empathy for a kindred spirit. My prayers go out to you. CV

CV

That was very helpful. Excuse the typos but I have found this delicious drink called Sminoff twisted, and I am a little twisted right now. Anywho, yes well alien has left the building, but she is still invading my H's mind. My H also explained that he still has feelings for the OW....puke, gag, hurl....if you could see her, you would ask WHY?

Withdrawals suck big time to say the least. I dont know if I can do it, I honestly do not know at this very moment if this is what I want or not. I think he should go away for three months and come back when he is done making me want to hurl every time I eat. I am feelings like such a piece of sh**, like gum on his shoe, like part of the wall. I dont think I can do this. I think it would be easier to get a D and start over fresh with somenone new. I am so sick of being hurt that I have this huge thick wall up, and nothing is penetrating it. I mean between that wall and latex I might as well live in a bubble. After the whole STD thing, I will never have SF in the same manner, shape, way or form again. My life is so screwed up....by one man! I am losing my friggin mind. I am, I am nutso now. There is no other way to express it. I am a nut case, all caused by the person that was supposed to love and cherish and honor me. Okay I am buzzed, but I am not an ogre, so why do I feel like one?

HINY

Hiny, I'm sitting here shaking my head. Why? Because you're right. We are driven to craziness, but we aren't the crazy ones. Well, I'm sure many people would think we were, putting up with this crap from our Hs who treated us so poorly.

You know I wrote on here once that BSs literally suffer from PTSD. That's not just a term. It is a real psychological disorder. Like someone who has been raped, or is in a natural disaster. So here we are, needing help ourselves, but we are asked to bury our trauma, fill the perprtrator's LB$, and no wonder at times we just want to pack it in.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. I'm having enough trouble now, and my H ended his A. Someone wrote to me on my thread that in 2 years I won't be in this place anymore, with or without H. That was a comforting thought. Hiny, you won't always be here. At some point your H will have to step up to the plate, just like mine will. If they don't, we don't have to be with them. If they do I hope we'll be happy we stayed and fought the fight.

I love the serenity prayer when I get too crazy. I've been forgetting to say it lately. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." I've mentioned on here that over the past year I feel like I've gotten some angelic help. Whether you believe or not it doesn't matter. Just suspend your imagination and ask. I sure didn't believe when I put out the call, but I figured I didn't have anything to lose. I really will pray for you tonight. My heart goes out to you. CV

CV

I have the serenity prayer haning on H's closet. I have an embroidery machine and I made a nice wall quilt with that prayer on it. I live by that prayer. That is one of the reasons I am still here.

I am nutso now too. I already have PTSD from my rape in the 80's. My body is fighting all of this defensively. My therapist says this is perfectly normal. Plus I had the most traumatic childhood ever. When something devestating like this happens to you all that bad stuff comes back up your throat. I mean I remembered things about my childhood that I had buried so so so long ago. Here is this person that I loved so much who was supposed to protect me and help through life with this crap I carried and he just flattens me right out. I don't know CV if I can stick it out. The days are just melting into each other and I am losing prospective of what I am waiting for here. I feel like my kids are losing me again. Losing out on the good times the three of us could have instead of the four us. I'm am thinking I can't share my home with this man again. I can't share my bed with him. I can't share my life with him. I am going crazy aren't I?

HINY

HINY, I'm reading your post and crying at the same time. For the 1st time lately I've suspended my own problems to just think about what you are going through. I have to go with my favorite word here, it truly SUCKS!

I am not always the best MBer, at least in my head. So please don't take anything I say as advice. You need to refer to the people here who know this program inside and out. But I will talk to you as my MB friend, as someone who was been flattened by an A, and maybe just a bit as a therapist.

I came from a loving home, meaning parents who I'm sure loved me had had good intentions of being decent parents. However, I was a pretty neglected kid. Any problems, any huge feelings, I literally dealt with them all on my own. I kept everything inside. Over the years I think I've done a great job healing from the childhood crap, and until my dad really started getting sick 2 years ago, felt like a very content, happy person.

Last Fall, after living with H's cutting me off emotionally and sexually for months, it was clear to me that I was living my childhood again. Because I hadn't told one soul about H cutting me off I was in total isolation. People would ask me how I was doing because my dad died in August. They didn't know I had put that grief to the side to deal with my grief over the M. Also just had to deal with my responsibilities to my clients and mostly being there for my boys while H was gratifying himself.

It sounds like my childhood doesn't even slightly compare to what you went through. The rape on top of it, well I can't even imagine the triggers you must have. The thing that bothers me about MB, and if any wise ones are reading this I'd appreciate clarification, it does seem to be the best method to end the A. It doesn't seem satisfactory in dealing with helping us heal individually and as a couple from the deep trauma. I hope to talk to Steve Harley this week and I'm going to ask him that question.Being in the here and now is our ultimate goal, but I've seen over and over that sometimes you have to deal with the past pain to heal.

HINY, your H put you through hell. Giving you an STD on top of it, and allowing you to deal with it alone, was the ultimate in uncaring behavior. I'm being mild here.

I'm not saying this to bad mouth your H, or suggest that you should dump the M. I just wonder what you need to do for you now. Did you take H back too soon? I don't know. That's why I really want the old timers to talk to you. I just wonder if he needed to earn that privilege after what he put you through. Could be your LB$ was so depleted that you needed to fill it some 1st. I don't know! Just realize it isn't all about him.

You are not going crazy! You are a wonderful person who found yourself in a crazy world, dealing with insane people. You've had to be strong for so long to reach this goal. Now you've hit this milestone and you wonder, is this what I wanted?

I hope the goodness in your H, which you must have remembered, must be there somewhere. In the meantime realize that you have choices to. Above all, something that I literally have to do on a daily basis, is give this M to God. My prayer is if this M is supposed to survive than give me signs along the way to help me continue. If not, show me clearly that I need to move on.

Above all, realize that you are not alone. You know that so many of us care about you. It's funny, last night I had the strangest idea. People here would have thought I was whacky. I had this desire to just get away from H and go somewhere. Unfortunately most out of town family that I am really close to have no idea about the A. It would be hard for me to be with them and not spill it. So I thought of posting here with the subject title, "Would anyone like having a houseguest?" I figure I could just be me with MBers.

I'm sending lots of love and positive energy your way. sometimes it helps me to go see a comedy when I feel like sh**. CV

CV

Thanks for giving me your time. I am just having a bad spell. I know it will pass. I hope it will anyway. I have been so strong lately and so confident. I have really picked my M apart lately.

I was just talking to my mom on the phone and crying at the same time. I got it all out...poor woman. I have decided that I am not crazy my H is....I know this is no surprise to anyone. Here is why:

First of all when we first met he was very jealous of me, of everything I did and every place I went. We worked together in the same dept. and one time I walked past him and didn't look at him I guess, that night he went down to his moms crying and saying I was ignoring him and he was very hurt and crap like that. I was blown away, I never thought small stuff like that was a changing point in my life. Turns out it was. I look back now and I suddenly see how I changed for this man. I became this fat, ugly hermit because I was so insecure about how he felt. I locked myself away in my own world, never going anywhere, not wanting to go to work anymore, my IBS got so much worse I thought I had cancer. I became this awful person that I didn't want to be because of him. And now that he has gone, I found me again. I am that confident, beautiful, thin, funny, loving person again that I was when we first met. He is the same old insecure person he always was. And when he sat in my truck the other day and said I can't talk to you and tell you what is on my mind like I can her, and asking me where I got all this confidence all of a sudden and I told him I love myself now;again. He was saying how he felt like he couldn't ever do anything in our M. Like if he wanted to go hunting and stuff like that. He never asked. He never said one word about it. He just didn't go. In my conclusion......he had made me into someone that I didn't want to be. I wasted 10 years of my life being this awful terrible person that I hated, brought an innocent child into the world of my and his hell, and now I feel nothing but hatred towards him. Any wonder why?

He has never been here for me. I have always had to deal with everything on my own. When I told him about my rape during our six weeks of false recovery, he just looked at me like I had a booger on my nose. He said gees wish someone was there for you, then he left me. He didn't say wish someone was there for you, and I am here for you now. Just blew me and my problems away and ran to her. Then the STD....he didn't want to tell her cause it was her Bday.....who cares......who really cares. Happy Bday ho!

CV thanks for listening to me babble. Can't wait for IC tomorrow. Missed two weeks straight for my friends weddding stuff.

HINY

HINY, seems like you've got some soul searching to so. One of the main things is with or without you H, you can't lose yourself again. If YOU choose to stay with him I would think he will have to work on himself and your R. I guess he doesn't have to, but then you have the choice of whether you want to stay or go.

My H has always had difficulty dealing with crises situations. Mine that is, if he is also going through a difficult time especially. Except for those times I have enjoyed our M. I thought we were at the point in our R that we were capable of supporting one another. He obviously wasn't there yet. I know I can't, nor do I want to be with this man if he doesn't understand why he can't be there for me. I know he thinks, or at least thought, that with OW he'd act differently. Yeh right!

This is a difficult journey, and at the end of the day, I guess we all have to figure out what we want and what we deserve in our lives. I hope you can sort things out in IC. me too! I think I'm going to call my therapist tonight to begin IC again. CV

CV

Thanks. Betweeen you and SS I am dusted off and clean again. No more tears since this morning, doing better. Thanks for being there for me. This does suck big time. NO other words to describe it. He is here now watching TV so I can't stay on long. Just another day in paradise ya know. Life will roll on whether he wants to be part or not.

I can't wait until IC either. I really need her help now.

HINY

bump for Chris CA-123

I hate to use a bunch of cliches, but...
Not really sure what to say either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

No one said this was gonna be easy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , even if it all came together in the best way possible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All I can say is that you need to go slow.
Expect there will be setbacks and you will feel like crap on some days, while others it's really good.
It takes while to process everything, good and bad.
Make sense of it? Good luck on that.
All you can do sometimes is simply accept it happened and that it really sucks that it did.

Try not to read too much into the bad.
Enjoy those good moments for what they are.

Thanks Chris.

Doing my best and I will continue to do so. I am savoring the good times and trying to forget the bad. It is all I can do right now.

I can't help him with the withdrawals. I just can't. I am emotionally spent. It is something he is going to have to do on his own for now until I can gather some strength.

HINY