HI Everyone,
H and I married at 16 and this will be our 31 anniversary. H has become very good friends with a woman at work, she is going through her 3 divorce and also has a son with CF.I have questioned the friendship alot but he said she is the only one at work that he can talk to. Then about 3 weeks ago he confessed that he had spent time away from work with her, they went on a plane ride together and he has stopped by her house just to visit, BUT just as friends. I insisted on meeting her to ask her what is going on and she says its nothing but friends and that all her friends are men married and single. H said he didn't tell me about the plane ride and the visits because of my jelousy. H also says he still loves me but that he's not in love with me. He says he wants to work on us and he thinks he can be in love with me again. He wants to forget about her and get back to our "normal" life again. But I can't seem to do that because he has to see her everyday at work. He also works with her soon to be ex and I ask to meet the ex to get his thoughts on this, but he told me no, to drop it, the friendship is over and we need to move on. How can I move on? How can I trust that he is not seeing her at work? How is it fair that I hurt like do and she suffers none? How can you love someone and not be in love with them?
Thanks for listing,
Luvybug

Luvy,
I originally thought my W was involved in just an emotional affair (EA) so I researched that end of infidelity.

I'd suggest that you immediately go buy the book, "NotJust Friends" by Shirley Glass.

IMHO, It does the best job describing an EA. Sounds like your H is/was involved in one.

Most spouses just involved in EAs don't see it as such. They say "we're just really good friends, special friends." Some who are honest will say that I've found my soulmate.

According to Glass an EA has three components:

Secrecy, Intimacy, Sexual Chemistry

From what you described there was secrecy and intimacy ("she's the only person I can talk to at work")

The sexual chemistry is the one that most spouses won't admit to. Sometimes they aren't even aware of it on a conscious level. Did your H confess to such thoughts? Casually ask him if he ever thought of her in that manner. If you can do it calmly he may confess. If you do it angrily he'll lie.

IMHO, most men being the way we are, are in fact aware of the sexual chemistry (how often do experts say that we men think of sex during the average day?)

Your H is also showing signs of being the typipical FWS in his comments...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He wants to forget about her and get back to our "normal" life again </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I ask to meet the ex to get his thoughts on this, but he told me no, to drop it, the friendship is over and we need to move on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a typical WS/FWS mistake. They think that the can just "move on." Wrong! That's just sweeping the problem under the rug.

You yourself have asked the questions that thi type of behavior create...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How can I move on? How can I trust that he is not seeing her at work? How is it fair that I hurt like do and she suffers none? How can you love someone and not be in love with them?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Personally, it is difficult to "educate" the WS/FWS. Because of their guilt they are relatively closed to the MB concepts.

Buy the book and read it for yourself. Hopefully he'll take notice and want to read it with you but don't force him.

Books are a first step but the best step is to go to a marriage counselor (MC) Most male FWS refuse bc they want to move on and modt men don't take to kindly to MC. Why? They see it as criticism towards them. Of course it's not but that's their view.

I would immediately tell the OW'S H. If you can do it in person and take your copy of Not Just Friends with you. Show him the definition and give examples of how their relationship meets the definition.

EAs are tricky bc society sends confusing messages about them. People downplay them. Spouses worried about a "special" friendship are cast as "green with envy" monsters. Be prepared that the OW's H may look at you like you are the reincarnate of a jealous Harpie.

Hopefiully he will believe you bc my guess is she'll be quitting her job the next day. LOL

Will your H write a NC letter that you've seen and approved? Since they work together it'll be tough but he can write a modified on that says that all communication will be on a strictly professional level, no lunches, no personal info, etc.

I've posted alot of thoughts. Give me some feedback.

cwmac

Hi Luvybug,
You asked how can someone love you but not be "in love" with you? That's right where we are too. People usually take "in love" to be the infatuation aspect of love, the giddy, silly, romantic, heart-pounding way of feeling about someone, usually in the early stages of a relationship. Real love is a deeper, truer feeling, a caring about the well-being of someone, a desire to help each other, mature feelings toward someone. A person involved in an emotional affair usually mistakes the 2, thinking the addictive affair feeling is true love as in my H's case.
You're 100% correct when you say it isn't fair that you are hurting so much (as probably is your H too) and OW is enjoying herself! I feel the same way. She has the quality time with him, the full "love bank", no emotional baggage or problems to solve, no bills or debts with him, no children complications. It's all fun and games for them. He says he can open up and talk so easily to her. Sure, what do they talk about? Fun stuff! What do we talk about - ending an affair, how to meet each other's needs, how much he loves HER. etc. There is no justice in this!!!!!!
Just know you're not alone. We all understand what you're going through and wish you the best.
Andi

cwmac,
Thank you for all the thoughts. The book will be first thing my next trip to town. I have ask him if he ever thought about her sexually, he said that any man that works with a woman on daily basis has at sometime thought about what it would be like to be with that woman, but that he has never acted on it and has never wanted to act on it. He says it's all in my head because of my low self esteem. I have diabetes and am very over weight and she might weigh 100 pounds. Also I plan to meet her ex tonight, I am not going to tell my H untill afterwards. I do love H more than anything and I have told him that if our marriage fails it will be his decision not mine because I wont give up on us, he says he doesn't think that will happen but his not knowing for sure and his not being IN love with me that is almost more than I can handle.
Thank you so much,
luvybug

Luvy,
I guess I missed that OW and her H are divorced. If that's so I'm not sure the disclosure will help all that much. OW won't listen to anything her ex says.

Your H was honest in his response to the sexual chemistry question. As I had said most men think about it.

Did he ever share his feelings towards her with her? or vice versa?

Sometimes the three factors can be there for one person and not the other but if the feelings are communicated then the OP normally starts to develope feelings as well.

How does H term the relationship (R)?

Have you read the MB concepts of meeting each others emotional needs (ENs)? My guess is that you were missing some of his needs and he missed providing some of yours. What are his top 5 needs? What are yours?

cwmac

Hi Andi,
Thank you for your kind words, I'm so sorry your going through this too, but i'm glad we have everyone here to talk to. I do have family too, but sometimes you need to here from someone outside. My youngest daughter[19] and I talk about it alot because she has been put in this too. She works at the same place as H and OW and OW's soon to be ex. She came to me a few days after he told me everything and ask me if I would get mad at her if she was nice to Daddy. I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already had untill she ask me that. I told her I absolutly would NOT be mad, that her relationship with her Daddy had nothing to do with this. They are all Daddy's girls and I would not ever want that to change.

Again, I thank you
Luvybug

CWMAC,
He says that he never told her and he never would, because it meant nothing it was just a thought that men have. He says there was nothing but friendship between them, she needed to vent because of her husband and her sick son and he needed to vent because of our children. Now he says that there is nothing because he desn't speak to her at all. He did ask me if I ever thought I would be able to get past this and let them be friends again. Over my dead body and even then I would come back and haunt them both. Do you believe that any man and woman not in a relationship can be best friends and nothing sexual happen? I dont, because I think that your spouse should be your best friend.
Luvybug

Luvy,
I'm one of those that since high school has believed that it is nearly impossible for men and women to be friends without the potential for trouble.

My wife was one of those naive types who dismissed this belief whenever it came up.

Although I had plenty of oppurtunity, my guard was always up because of my belief. Unfortunately hers wasn't and the rest as they say is history......

cwmac