My WW has had NC for 2 months we are seeing a MC and in recovery. She is coming out of withdrawal slowly. But, I look for reassurances from her, some type of communication on how she's doing and she has little or no tolerance for this type of communication. I'm only asking because I would really like to keep my sanity. I've had to be the strong one for over 2 months now. Through DDay, through working it out, through the NC thing, through seeking counseling. Now that I need some help along the way she gives out one crumb at a time and I'm supposed to be happy with each one and shut up. I need some passion, I need some affection, I need my wife to REALLY open up to me. And I get it meted out to me one crumb at a time.

These conversations usually goes like this.... I'll trigger over mental images or a word or anything about twice a day or so. I'll go to her and ask, "How are we doing?," or "Can you tell me if your feeling any closer to me?," or "Is showing affection getting any easier for you?." Then I get an "I don't know," or a shrugged shoulder and a limp wristed "yeah." I pursue a little further and she gets a little hostile. "I told you one time," now leave me alone" or "I told you I don't know, why can't you just be happy with what I told you."
Then I have to make the decision in the conversation to either stop and realize I'm at a crossroads; She can give literally give me no more info than that because she truly doesn't know... and I decide, "can I live with that?... yes. And then I'll shut up and stop pursuing her. Or, I'll be so starved for passion, reassurance etc. that I'll keep pursuing her for reassurances that she will never give and I leave the conversation starved and beaten down and worse off than I was to begin with, and she's furious with me. I call it the crossroads... it's the best description I can give it.

Believe it or not things are really getting better between us... and I can see it. But God, I just need her to talk to me, and she won't open up!!!
How long do I have to live in this private hell? Unable to talk to family, friends, no one; only our MC which I see once a week, which feels like once a month. I try to talk to her about my pain, and she shows little or no remorse, emotion, care that I'm hurting. When I ask her to show me some affection, she will say, "What do you want to hear?" or "What do you want me to say?" And then I'll tell her what I need to hear and then she launch out into a very brief, forced, emotionless... recanting of exactly what I asked for. Sometimes the words are verbatim of what I asked for. Nothing is coming from the heart. I wonder if she still has a heart. It's like her heart towards me has disappeared. She says that she loves me, but when pressed about how much she loves me, she won't say, that she loves me with all her heart, she'll just say, no, really I love you. What the heck is that?
I didn't have the affair! I didn't check out on my family! I didn't do anything, but she makes me feel like I'm the one that caused all this!

Now before all the "well- intentioned" MB people start bashing me for not claiming my part in her choices to have the affair.... let me say, yes, I have screwed up in the past. I have begged for forgiveness. I have changed my behavior towards her for weeks now. And yes, I know it's only been a couple of months. But when? OH When, will she start connecting with me again. We've been out on so many privated dates and dinners and sit down sessions and we've had a good time. We've held hands, touched etc. and I've seen some improvement. But, God, I'm so lonely! She's right here next to me most of the time and I'm so lonely.

Sorry for the long rant. I just feel like screaming!

I know you're frustrated and have needs that are screaming to be met - but a couple of months is a pretty short time. For some people things turn around quickly - and for others they warm up slowly. It can often take 3 months or more just to get over withdrawl - and then another 3 months or so to recover to the point that things aren't tense and stressfull all the time.

It took my FWW from DD - 1/16/04 till now to really start showing me she cares. She has just increased her level of intimacy too. She has only had NC for the last 45+ days since she quit her job. It takes a long time for these emototions and the feelings from the A to end. My wife still thinks of the OM to this day.

If your wife is not showing any real signs of coming around after the time period you are stating, I would suggest there is a possibility she is still talking to or seeing the OM. Until they are disconnected from the OP, they wont connect back with the spouse. Unfortunately, they will lie through their teeth to protect the feel good feeling the OP gives them in their fantasy relationship.

My wife just recently stated she felt remorse for the A but it took over four months for her to say it. I am not even sure if she said it to appease me or if she really meant it.

Be patient and keep being the best H you can be. You are being compared to the OM everyday by your spouse. Give her a reason to choose you.

running,

I think if you back off from her and quit demanding something that she doesn't have to give, then she will come around. Right now she has nothing to give so when you push her it makes her feel guilty and she uses the hostility to make you stop hurting her.

I know we are a poor replacement for what you need right now, but we are the best you have right now. So please come here and vent to us! This will all get better, but like Hope said, it just takes time. Hang in there!

MelodyLane is right, I think. My WW ran out of steam about four weeks after DD and left me a week ago, largely because I was unable to conceal my sadness and desperation over her lack of feeling for me. I tried to convince her it was going to be great again and tried to build up my LB, and she could not handle her lack of a response to these efforts. It had the opposite of the intended effect. She became convinced that her missing feelings for me were truly gone for good.

I read "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis over the weekend, and I think her "180" is what you need to consider. Stop being the sad tomato that's toiling so hard. Be cool and cheerful and be glad (but not too openly grateful) for every little thing she gives you, and truly demand nothing. Back off. Don't just say "I'm backing off", but really do it. Don't try to control this situation, and don't beat her over the head with solutions. Let conversations end before all your thoughts are out and before all issues that are bothering you are confronted. Let her criticize you and nod and stay serene and really think about those criticisms, instead of giving rebuttals or explanations for them. Stop letting her see your reactions when she is wearing that hard mask and being cold and distant. Do not react, just be cool. STOP PURSUING HER and stop looking for reassurances. Accept that you cannot control this situation the way you would like. You are not in charge of her. No matter how much you think you know about what's going on in her head, you are not in there, and you probably can't convince her with logic and persuasive conversations. Accept that even though she's not herself and is a little out of her mind, she still has freewill and is holding the reins, and that you cannot cajole and pull her back to you. You must draw her back to you. Start doing things for yourself and show her you're the better man of the two she's thinking about. Work on yourself and allow her to see you're doing this. Don't show it off and say "See how I'm improving?" Just do it for you and allow her to see it for herself. Start looking good to her. If you can stay upbeat in her company and reserve your sadness for times when you're alone, you might find that you begin seeing glimpses through the wall she's built up.

And stop telling her how crazy you are about her. It is a LB right now because it reminds her about the emptiness of her own feelings towards you.

Just be glad she's still there and BE COOL. She'll be surprised and impressed and will start to let her guard down. Don't chase her off the cliff. Stop chasing and start shining your shoes, and she'll look back wondering, hey, why is he shining his shoes when he's supposed to be chasing me off this cliff? Say, those are nice shoes.

That's what I wish I had done.

GC

Oh, and if possible you should really consider confiding in a friend you can trust and reach out to when you're down. I tried to keep it secret and handle things on my own, and now she's gone and I've had to fire off flare guns all over the place and most everybody that knows us is aware of our trouble.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by runningwithscissors:
<strong>
These conversations usually goes like this.... I'll trigger over mental images or a word or anything about twice a day or so. I'll go to her and ask, "How are we doing?," or "Can you tell me if your feeling any closer to me?," or "Is showing affection getting any easier for you?." Then I get an "I don't know," or a shrugged shoulder and a limp wristed "yeah." I pursue a little further and she gets a little hostile. "I told you one time," now leave me alone" or "I told you I don't know, why can't you just be happy with what I told you."
Then I have to make the decision in the conversation to either stop and realize I'm at a crossroads; She can give literally give me no more info than that because she truly doesn't know... and I decide, "can I live with that?... yes. And then I'll shut up and stop pursuing her. Or, I'll be so starved for passion, reassurance etc. that I'll keep pursuing her for reassurances that she will never give and I leave the conversation starved and beaten down and worse off than I was to begin with, and she's furious with me. I call it the crossroads... it's the best description I can give it.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe this scenario would work better for you:


I'll trigger over mental images or a word or anything about twice a day or so.

"Wife, sometimes I'm sitting around and all of a sudden an awful thought comes into my head. Just now I was washing the windows and saw a woman who looked like you getting into a car with someone else. It reminds how close I came to losing you. I really love you. Could I have a hug to make me feel better?"

I think you're having a hard time communicating because you aren't being Radically Honest. Instead you blindside her with questions such as "How are we doing?," or "Can you tell me if your feeling any closer to me?," or "Is showing affection getting any easier for you?." She can't read your mind, she doesn't know that there was a sudden trigger for you. Let her know what your triggers are and how they make you feel. At least then she'll understand why you are looking for reassurance.

April

RWS, gee, you are reminding me of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I like the responses you got. Lots of good wisdom there. I'll be following some of this advice myself.

Not much of a point to this post 'cept to let you know you are not alone.

dewt

Just had some second thoughts about my post.

I guess I do have a little bit of advice for ya. I've been in this boat for almost 6 months now. Plus 2 months of affair. So it's been a while. I still often feel the way you described feeling, but I've learned (slowly) to be more secure in myself. I've learned how it drives her away and though I still do have questions that must be asked from time to time, it gets easier not to ask them to death.

These things take time.

Breathe. Learn to have faith and security within yourself. That is what will most likely be most attractive to her.

dewt

Running:

Greycloud said something that triggered a memory for me in the early stages post DD. I was an emotional wreck with tears and devistation. I could barely sleep and could barely work.

After DD, my FWW said to me she was going to stay with me and we would make things work out. I checked the internet history on the computer and she was apartment and furniture shopping at the same time. She was committed to leaving to her own apartment and he BF was helping make that happen. She told me later that she knew her A was detroying me and the family and the easiest thing for her to do to eliminate seeing the damage she was causing was to leave and get her own place. She didn't care that she was hurting me or the kids, she just didn't want to have to see or deal with the pain. It was like, "Out of sight, out of mind".

I kicked her out the evening I found her apartment shopping and she drove and stayed all night at her BF's house that evening. That was the beginning of the wake up call for her. Realization was beginning to set in. She knew she didn't belong there but her fantasy affair was stronger in her mind than our marriage of 20 years.

Many times, I was strong enough to tell her that I was going to stay in the house to protects the kid's environment and to keep as much normalcy for them as possible. MY FWW even asked me if I would accept her back even after she moved out. I said probably since I loved her. She was then planning on signing a six months lease because she assumed the A would have run its course by then. I think I became stronger and more independent and told her to sign a longer term lease and that I wouldn't even want her after that. It was hell no matter what. She ended up staying in our home but continued seeing the OM at her work everyday. No emotional connection came back to us at all. It was only after I finally convinced her to quit her job did the true recovery begin. We are now on a road to true recovery. NC is the most important tool in the recovery, in my opinion. These WS's cannot love two people in the same way and at the same time. They won't try and connect until the other person is out of the game.

We are rebuilding one day at a time. My FWW has expressed remorse but I am still afraid to pour my total heart into the marriage and into her. I hesitate to express my love for her today for I know deep inside she can easily walk away for someone else without blinking an eye. Lying became easy for her. I generally trust she is being honest but I know I am not married to the loving and loyal wife that I thought I was pre-affair.

I remain committed to my family and my marriage but the damage runs deep and the wounds are still open. I am an optimist by nature and one who doesn't give up easy. Good luck to you in your time too.