Well, the last week has not been so good. It seems when the W is PMS'ing things get worse. There really hadn't been much talk between us (at least it seemed that way to me). OM has been very "visible" lately. Driving by, waving, generally being the a$$ that he is. Well, his birthday was last Friday (which I didn't know). The W thought another NC letter (1 was sent early on, and another written but never sent) was in order. So she sent him a note giving him what he wanted, to never see her again, 'goodbye' or something like that. Then she called me at work Friday to tell me. Felt like another knife through the heart.
For some reason, I knew something was up, but couldn't put my finger on it. So anyway, I tried to talk to her, but couldn't, I said something and she hung up on me. Later she called me back to give me a message and we talked a little more. Her reasoning for sending the note was that she thought it would "mean" more if I didn't tell her to do it. (It still hurt.)
So anyway, I get home Friday evening, take care of what I need to and try to talk with the W. She seemed to be trying to avoid me and was doing a good job. So after the kids went to bed (9PM), so did she. So I made my move. I figured we could then talk. So I tried to inquire what she was thinking. Well, she didn't answer. We hardly ever fight, but I felt that I had to here, so I started Love Busting big time. Just saying anything and everything I could think of to provoke her. I asked her if she even read the Harley books or anything else we've picked up recently. Finally, she started to respond. She said, yeah, hadn't I? I said what do you mean. She told me she was still in withdrawal and that as long as she had feelings for him, how could we recover? Well, at least I know what I'm fighting now. We talked into the night and I explained that I need her to talk to me (now, more than ever). There will be times when she needs to talk about certain things, and I told her I would tell her my limits. She still refuses IC, says that she sees that as an abnormality in her. (Or people that go to counselors are abnormal.) Can't seem to get through to her on that one. She does talk to her sister some, but that has backfired on her some too and she felt somewhat judged by her sis. She did say that she didn't think she could ever trust anyone ever again because how everyone betrays her. She felt that everytime she tells me something, it always comes back to bite her in the butt. I tried to show her that even though it felt that way, it wasn't really that way in reality.
So it seems the lines of communication are open again. I do wish she would go back on AD's (she started them, but then quit when she got a rash and a case of the itchies). They were supposed to help her stop smoking too, but now she's about doubled her intake of smokes to about 2 packs a day. I probably shouldn't have put that (to go back on AD's) here as she'll take that as me trying to control her or directing her, though I wrote it only as a feeling.
At least I can see she's working on us (even if it is in her own way). I should know that I can't tell her what to do or even how to do it. I just wish I had a better idea of the hell she is going through. I've wanted to start a thread for her and introduce her to Lisa103, KiwiJ and some of the other FWW's out here. I think it would be good for her. She does lurk here (at least to read my posts). Her ID is jezebel.
I go to the Orthopedic surgeon tommorrow. He'll be looking at my knee. I have a torn meniscus. Hopefully, we'll set a date for surgery. I'm tired of walking around like a cripple.
RH
