I am having some thoughts and I don't know why. I have tried to work through them on my own, but am having no luck - I am simply driving myself crazy. So I thought I would bring them here. I have been reading here for a while - ever since D-Day about 8 months ago. I probably should have posted before now, but was learning quite a bit by reading alone. I am the WS, my spouse and I are in MC (both separately and together), we are trying to make the M work, there has been NC, etc. It seems that all the factors are there for this to be successful. However, my problem is the fact that I don't know if I want it to work. The A occurred b/c of various reasons - mostly lack of communication. Spouse LBd quite a bit, I would not respond, we didn't talk about problems, drifted apart . . . . you know the story. Spouse has been trying hard to change - we have been trying to talk, figure out problem areas, work on them, etc. But the fact remains that I am having a hard time trying to resolve in myself if I want this to work. My biggest problem with myself is the fact that I am the one who is the WS. But I feel like so much of what happened that led to the A happened WAY before the A ever transpired. And now, as I am looking at myself, my spouse, the A, our M, etc., etc., etc., I am thinking "Can I live like this? Will my spouse ever trust me? Will this be brought up forever? Will we be able to get along? to talk? etc.?" How should I treat these feelings? Should I examine them? Ignore them? Act on them? Any insight, thoughts, etc., would be appreciated. And as the WS, I hope I won't be bashed too hard! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hi 2w4wrds,

Welcome to MB. Your questions are valid and you have come to a good place.

I'd like to recommend you read the concepts section above. You and your spouse take the EN questionnaire for starters. Setup phone counseling session with Steve Harley. Along with that find the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley.

As for your questions, the answers will come in time. What led to the A and the recovery both require time. The average shows that the recovery period will be double to triple the A time. Not a hard fast rule though.

It is important that both of you have your heart and mind in synce for yourselves. Then together as a couple. If you do it in reverse, it c/b diasterous.

So it is important to pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Pray for patience also. Write down each others good points and see how many of them you can find in a day or week. Give each other reassurance. Learn to spend at least 15 hours a week of quality together time.

I will attempt to give my 2 cents on your questions:

1. Can I live like this?

response: You are

2. Will my spouse ever trust me?

response: Takes time and it is up to both of you. What are you doing to restore that trust vs what does your mate need? How important is reassurance to your mate?

3. Will this be brought up forever?

response: It could be and if so, can you handle it? The less you give your mate to talk about, the less your mate will want to bring it up.


4. Will we be able to get along? to talk? etc.?

response: Very possible. Again this is something that depends on both of you. What are you doing to accomplish this?

5. How should I treat these feelings?

response: You should address and deal with these feelings up front. Ask your spouse for help. Work under the guidance of a good MC and I recommend doing some phone counseling with Steve Harley. He is quite good and if you are both in recovery, it w/b well worth the expense.

6. Should I examine them?

response: Your feelings? Yes. Conflict avoiding is hazardous to a M in recovery. It is bad all the time. When you examine your feelings, what are you measuring or comparing them to? Make sure you have a good model.

7. Ignore them?

response: Not a healthy suggestion. Again, work with Steve. He will provide good guidance.

8. Act on them?

response: Only with a good plan.

Hope this helps. It is good to see you working on your M. You are further along than most but know the roller coaster ride can take off again.

take care,
L.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 01:41 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Orchid,

You have a good response here, but I wanna ask you something.

Do you know something that indicates the WS is a man here. I've read the post 3x and I don't see a gender of the WS or the BS indicated.

Of course, it's 1:30AM, I just returned from a service call, etc.

Tony
Male - BS

JSC,

It is 11:35pm here and you are right, there is nothing that specificly identifies which gender is the Ws or BS.

I have my opinion from the style of posting but I c/b wrong. I will edit it so as not to be gender specific.

L.

The Gender Genie ( http://www.bookblog.net/gender/genie.php ) thinks the author is female

890 Female to 802 Male

FWIW,

Tony

hehehe, I thought it was a WH too. Do women usually refer to their H's as spouses? I know they are, but certainly where I come from the word spouse is normally used in reference to a wife.

Tooweird4words,

You are the WS and I am the BS. I feel exactly like you. Of all the things in my life that had gone wrong, my M was the one thing that had been a constant success. We were best friend 5 yrs before M and then for 30 yrs after M. Circumstances saw us living apart (not marital but H's work) and H falls into the trap of very young woman hitting on him for the financial/passport gain. She was too attractive physcially for him to pass up and now the delicate balance of our friendship/relationship is in tatters. Too much is lost to us IMO. the sense of humor, the sense of social justice, the sense of decency, honesty and caring. His lack of concern for how I'd feel, just as I was turning 50, to find my life partner running around with a 26 yo virgin girl, the same age as our daughter!

I have taken 19 months to get to the point where I don't feel I want him - now that I know what he's capable of. Maybe I'll give it two years but the love and respect has gone from my side of the M. I still like the man, but I could never feel for him the way I used to. It's just so hard to find some kind of common ground whereby we can move forward in a workable relationship.

I think some relationships are so damaged that it's just too hard to try to put it all back to gether again. Great for those who can but we're not all built the same way. Even for the WS, the dynamics of the relationship is changed forever - and I can understand how you feel. Maybe it depends on how much your spouse wants the M to work. You probably owe them to give it your best shot. But even that isn't the best motivation for moving forward.

good luck!

Reading your post made me sad. I don't post or reply that often, but when I see one of these things that hits home with me I have to put my 2 cents in (for what that's worth.) I have been right where you are, assuming you're a woman, I couldn't tell by your post.

I had a great marriage at first, but over the years the pressures of jobs and kids and obligations pulled at both of us. I guess my H was stronger than I was. I started a relationship with a guy at my work and it was so innocent at first. We would talk and talk. But soon I found myself wanting to be around him more and more and eventually found myself wrapped up in an A. I didn't want it to happen, I was sick that I had betrayed my family and my vows, not to mention my H.

After Dday my husband LB a good bit. I found myself wanting the marriage to work but scared to death that there was no use. Too much damage had been done and I couldn't live that way anymore. I still loved my H but it wasn't the same for me. I didn't know if I should work at it, or just leave. I couldn't really relate or open up to him anymore. My feelings and fears were so real that it made me sort of close him out. Looking back on it,my H was more hurt by that than the A.

But, then one day I was talking to an older woman who had been through something like what I was going through and she said some things that made a lot of sense. She said to me, "feelings are what got me in the trouble to begin with, and I figured I couldn't trust my feelings to get me out of trouble." I went home and decided to leave my feelings out of it. To work hard at falling in love with my H again. It was a very deliberate thing. The only way I could do it was to just decide to follow Dr. Harley's principles in his books and "just do it." I spent a lot of time with my H I started touching him again, opening up to him again... At first it was difficult, but the more we did and the more MC we did, it began to all come back to me. All the feelings I had for him in the beginning began to come back little by little. I was so excited! I couldn't believe it... it had been so long since I felt that way about him. I actually found myself sad for the time that we had drifted apart because of the wasted time.

It was then that I realized how much hurt was in him. It wasn't that he was trying to hurt me while I was emotionally away from him; it was that he was hurting so bad from the lack of REAL contact from me, verbally and physically that it was coming out all over in his behavior. It still hurt though. But I had just decided to make it work! Up till that point my H had done most of the work keeping us together, I was just sort of just living day to day. I don't know how he lived with me. I would get so frustrated by his persistence because I wasn't sure myself. I actually found myself getting mad at him, when I was the one who was perpetuating the pain. God, I was a mess!

2Weird:
Listen. You know what the right thing to do is. Just decide to do it. Stop following your feelings, that's what got you in the mess to begin with. Your feelings will lead you away from your spouse, your life, your family and your self-respect. You would not be able to live with yourself knowing that you did a half-butt job trying to recover your M. Your love is not lost... it's only hurt. But it won't heal on it's own. You and your spouse will have to work on it together!
I found the more I focused on his needs again the more I found that mine were being met. The more I tried to fulfill his needs and heal his hurts the more mine were taken care of!!! It was like it used to be in our first year of marriage. I was blown away by that... it wasn't at all what I expected to happen. What's amazing is that our marriage is stronger now than it was before the A. We still have a way to go, but I am so encouraged and I'm looking forward to everyday now. My hope is back, my M is back, my self-respect is back, my fears pop back up from time to time, but they are getting easier and easier to put down now.

Keep this success story in mind when you think there's no hope.

2 Weird,
Keep posting and I will be watching you to keep up with your progress. Don't you give up! You give your spouse a chance and I think you'll be surprised by what will happen (in you).

movin' on, what a great post!! You might not have much to say, but when you do, it's well worth reading.

many thanx

an

initially i thought that 2weird was a female, i have reread post several times. cannot figure it out. all the use of "spouse" is throwing me...

I am a WW and I have many of the same thoughts:
"Can I live like this? Will my spouse ever trust me? Will this be brought up forever? Will we be able to get along? to talk? etc.?"

I don't know the answer, but I am willing to find out. The trust thing sucks a lot. I hate feeling not trusted, but I know I am building more of it back slowly. What sucks more is wondering if it will be brought up forever and hubby and I have talked about moving forward and in order to do that we have to put the past to rest. He only brings something up now after carefully examining why he is bringing it up.

Like your marriage a lot of our issues happend before I went astray, some of my personal issues happened to me before we even met. This has given us a chance to learn, grow. We have learned how to communicate, not LB, heck we didn't even know we were LB'n before. We are so much more respectful of each other.

Have Faith in yourself, Faith will see you through this. Good luck....

And let us know will ya? pink or blue?

movin on-
your post was so
heartfelt-thanks
for sharing with
us. you need to
share your wisdom
more! I am WW &
need to know of
others out there.
I am happy that
you re-commited
to your M! Amen!

You still reading these replies 2wierd?

How are you doing? Have you decided what to do about following your feelings or did you listen to what I had to say the other day? I've been praying for you to do the right thing. I hope you take your spouse and start all over and do it right this time.

Keep me up to date.