HI guys. I need your help. I posted earlier this weekend. Well it turns out m H is indeed haivng an EA with my ex-friend/ his employee. THis is what he said. It happend just like text- they were good friends but both of them were unhappy with their marriages and they leaned on eachother and just recently (whatever that means....) they talked and realized they had more then just frienship feelings for eachother. He said how terrirific she's been that he was able to talk to her while he is going through all these problems with me. ... this was all in an email, mind you. GOt to love technology. He said he doesn't want to talk about that anymore (the OW). The title of his email was "almost over" and he said he doesn't know where to go from here. Said he can't find it in him to change his feelings for me. Said that since the birthof our daughter over 3.5 years ago that he's been growing more distant and blames me for it all- that I changed and my personality changed...(remember we also have a 1.5 year old son and another baby on the way in 3 months!!!!). He said he was trying to fake emotions for me these last two months because he thought he could stick it out until our baby was born- whatever that means..... But youknow what there is more to this then that,... because mypersonality ahs done a complete 360 and still the probelms got worse... there is somethings else to it that he just doesn't realize or have the ability to vocalize into words.

All that said I am determined not to give up. the OW is 10 years younger then him and (remember we were really close friends, so I knowhow she is...) and she is really quit conivieng and mean... a worst personality then I ever had. But I know he doesn't see that. I don't know how I am going to do this but I will not give up. WHat if he has?- is there still hope when that happens? He is going to her because he gets positive feelings (whatever they are..) and I am going to trying my hardest (only GOd will be able to make this happen) to make our home enjoyable to come home to and all... so that I don't drive him further away. How am I supposed to follow through with Plan A if he's so far into withdraw right now? How do I keep from wondering if soon this EA is going to lead to a PA? I am trying not to think of the negative things that can happen- but it is just so hard. Is it wrong for me to ask the OW and I's mutual friend to talk with her and discouarage what is going on? Oh and the OW has finally (jsut two days ago) called it quits with her husband for good... hmmm I wonder why.....? I can't help thinking what the heck went on for the guys at H work to crack the joke, "GO get a room". Not once did he mention it having escalated to a PA... but jsut the realization that is had indeed turned into a EA. How long should I stay quit and let things lie before I ask him if he is going to call it quits with OW? The OW is a huge assist at my dh friggin company and the only female there..... so how is he goign to be able to remove himself completely even if he does call it quits with her? There is so much going on in my head I can't think straight. Two nights ago I slept only 3 hrs and this evening I haven't slept a wink, maybe one hour. How am I supposed to function for my children? God help me!

I think I need to call my OB and tell him I need something. I've never been depressed in my life... but I can't sleep... my heart races and I have no appitite what so ever... not to mention the shatteredness of my soul I feel..... all this is so bad to be going though when I am 24 weeks pregnant.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 05:58 AM: Message edited by: Doing His will ]</small>

Dont worry about your WH...just plan A when he contacts you...dont ask about when and if. Take care of yourself. The affair has a way of ending by itself. Keep faith on that.

There are a lot of good success stories by following MB...you just hang tough. You story is not so bad at all...there is still hope...i believe WH will come back when the fog is lifted.

Dont think about WH or affair. Think about the baby and yourself. Tell yourself i am not going to think about WH for 10 minutes...then 20 minutes then on and on until finally you can stop thinking about him completely.

Be strong for your childrens sake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zizzycool:
<strong> Dont worry about your WH...just plan A when he contacts you...dont ask about when and if. Take care of yourself. The affair has a way of ending by itself. Keep faith on that.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That may take a long time for him to contact me huh?

It depends... how long some of the shock reality sinks in.. but they usually come around dear.. don't worry.. I know its easier said than done when your heart is on the line... keep taking care of yourself and your daughter. I know its hard, but you going to have to stick aroiund for your daughter and you! WH has nothing to do with your recovery.. its you.. and you..

DHW,
I think the best strategy for you right now would be to attract him back in the marriage with the best Plan A you can muster and to expose the affair.

The more you expose the affair, the more pressure will be put on it to end. The affair might feel "right" in their little fantasy land, but it becomes pretty ugly and embarassing when exposed to the light of day.

I would sit down and make a list of people to expose it to, such as his family, your family, her H, and possibly his boss and some key friends. Then call them all in one day. Its best to get this over with in one fell swoop so you can deal with one lovebuster rather than 10.

I would do it next week after doing at least a solid week of Plan A. But please call the OWH NOW and discuss the situation with him and find out what is going on from his end. Try to get him here so we can help him. Hopefully he wants to save his marriage.

Are you familiar with Plan A? It means NO LOVEBUSTERS, no begging, crying, pleading whining. It means you are as pleasant as possible. It is a program of attraction where you ATTRACT him back into the marriage. Ask yourself if you were him, would you like to come home to you?

Another suggestion would be counseling with the Harley's. They are extremely effective marriage counselors who won't waste your time. They can assess your situation and give you a strategy. They can often do in 3 sessions what other counselors can't do in a year.

I would also get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Doing His will:
<strong>

I think I need to call my OB and tell him I need something. I've never been depressed in my life... but I can't sleep... my heart races and I have no appitite what so ever... not to mention the shatteredness of my soul I feel..... all this is so bad to be going though when I am 24 weeks pregnant. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, I just wanted to let you know that we know how bad this is, honey, and understand your anguish. But don't give up hope. We have seen far WORSE situations turn completely around with the proper effort. Hang in there and get cracking on a good strategy to save your marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The more you expose the affair, the more pressure will be put on it to end. The affair might feel "right" in their little fantasy land (SO TRUE ESPCIALLY SENSE SHE IS SUCH A MEAN PERSON), but it becomes pretty ugly and embarassing when exposed to the light of day.

I would sit down and make a list of people to expose it to, such as his family, your family, her H, and possibly his boss and some key friends. Then call them all in one day. Its best to get this over with in one fell swoop so you can deal with one lovebuster rather than 10......................

........What will exposing it do? They probably want to just stay out of it all. Oh and his boss is his step dad... and my mil wants step fil to fire her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> SO fil/ boss just found out too, when I told my mil what happened- we are very close... jsut like my own mother.


I would do it next week after doing at least a solid week of Plan A. But please call the OWH NOW and discuss the situation with him and find out what is going on from his end. Try to get him here so we can help him. Hopefully he wants to save his marriage. ...........................

.........I don't know if that is a good idea..... wouldn't that really push my WH over the edge and into the OW arms most definitly? I have a playgroup I will be going to today that the OW very close friend (s) go to and I was thinking of telling them jsut so that they could talk to her and talk some sense into her too before they both get deeper into it (PA)- good idea?


Are you familiar with Plan A? It means NO LOVEBUSTERS, no begging, crying, pleading whining. It means you are as pleasant as possible. It is a program of attraction where you ATTRACT him back into the marriage. Ask yourself if you were him, would you like to come home to you? ...........................

............I completely understand and am praying my hardest to have the ability to accomplish this.... but yes... I fully intend to do this. Until he confronts me again about the problems... what much can I do to impletement Plan A?

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 08:19 AM: Message edited by: Doing His will ]</small>

DHW,

One of the most IMPORTANT things you have to do is contact is the OWH and work with him. That will make two people working on ending this affair. And yes, it might make the OW mad, but so what? What it will do is cause conflict on that side and can help end the affair. You are supposed to do everything to end the affair and this is a crucial step.

Exposing makes the affair uncomfortable and causes conflict between them. Exposing it to the light of day makes it troublesome and takes away the fantasy aspect.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">............I completely understand and am praying my hardest to have the ability to accomplish this.... but yes... I fully intend to do this. Until he confronts me again about the problems... what much can I do to impletement Plan A?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Plan A means that you discontinue all lovebusters and begin a program of ATTRACTION. You try to meet his needs as BEST YOU CAN. There is MUCH you can do to implement Plan A.

And don't stop addressing the affair with him. Just do it in a calm, non hostile manner. Plan A doesn't mean you protect the WS from unpleasant truths. He needs to be reminded how destructive his affair is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> DHW,

One of the most IMPORTANT things you have to do is contact is the OWH and work with him. That will make two people working on ending this affair. And yes, it might make the OW mad, but so what? What it will do is cause conflict on that side and can help end the affair. You are supposed to do everything to end the affair and this is a crucial step.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does it make a difference if just two days ago the OW and the OWH broke it off for good (the second time...) and seperated. Remember I was really close friends with ehr in the biginning and her marriage to her H was a farse, it really was sad and I tried my best as a friend to make her try and work it out.... granted this was all before her and my own WH became buddy buddy themselves!

DWH, I know how much hurt this is. We all experienced the same thing. But you are getting all the good advice here. Talking to OWH is important. I am sorry that I don't have much to offer, but just to give you a big HUG. Be strong, take care of your children, your baby and yourself. GOD bless you.

I just found out that the OW S already knows. She told him yesterday. He hasn't kept it a secret either and has told several of his friends about what has transpired between her and my WH.

What really sucks is we all (including all our friends- theirs and ours/ mine) go to the same church. If any of you all attend a chruch frequently, you know how fast rumors and news like this spreads. augh.... I don't know who I feel worst off for, WH or myself having to face everyone. I will not keep this from wanting to attend church functions and fellowships.

You guys are right... the more people know, and God knows espcially in our churhc.. then so be it. I pray God convicts both their hearts, instead of the opposite.

Doing, who told you that her H knows? Have you talked to him? I would ask him if he feels his marriage can be saved and if he is interested in saving his marriage, which I hope he is, tell him about Marriage Builders.

A mutual friend of ours. I'm really close to one friend whose husband has been the confidant of the OWS- does that make sense? I did indeed call him. Ask what his perspective and take 9from his side) was. He said the exact same thing or atleast she (OW) has told him the exact same thing my WH has told me.

**Update** DH and I talked, I was very calm and caring and gentle with my words. he was very sad and crying. He's afraid I'm going to take our kids to CA (where ALL of my family is). I told him I am so appreciative that he's opened up to me and told me what really is going on whether it be via email or verbally. I did and tried very hard to let God talk trhough me so that I wouldn't say the wrong things (and thank God I think I was able to accomplish this.). I told him I know what a good christian man he really is (and she - ow is for that matter) and I know they both know what GOd wants them to do and that is to severe their relationship before it goes any further, because satan already has a them by both hands leading them astray. I told him it is all a matter of choice. He said he's afraid to hurt me any more, and I repeated it again... it's all a matter of choice. I told him I could have easily let myself do the wrong thing (gave him examples, like had an EA or PA-for that matter, myself, or gone and hurt him or her (physically!) just as much as I have been hurt... but I didn't... because I know that I can not handle this on my own at all that all I really want to do is indeed pack up the kids and fly back home to my family in CA.... but I am not because i have DECIDED to hand it over to God and he is working through me..... because I can not do it myself nor want to. I know he is in such turmoil and a lot of pain himself (self inflicted of course and he mention his pain is more because he thinks he has fail our kids by having this EA and causing me such pain).

ANyhow..l our talk was really good. I told him I know he knows what he needs to do, whichis sever his EA and it's all a matter of choice... he got to want to do it ... but in the mean time I am sticking htis out and doing what I have to do to make our home what it has to be. I will not succomb to giving up, I am in it for the long haul and have complete trust in God that this will work out.... I told him he needs to hand it over to HIM... that obviously we both agree that he is unable and unwilling to change things himself. therefor let God handle it for him... but it's all a matter of choice............


ANyhow... I know I am 24 weeks pregnant but I bought a bottle of wine and I had a (just ONE!) glass, in hope that I will be able to sleep this evening. I don't know how I've been able to function to day without any sleep, but I have.... thank God.. I hope I sleep tonight.

Thank you guys so much for listening.