My wife is what I call Type A person. Let me explain and someone may be able to help me. She can't relax, she must be doing something all the time. She thinks when she is busy I should be doing something also. Nothing in the house is out of order, she cleans the entire house once a week from top to bottom. She is always right no matter what the subject is or discussion we may have. IF she get's upset by one of the kids, the whole family suffer's. She will aim her anger at everyone. So, I as her husband I stay away until she cools down otherwise Iam the target of her rath even though I have done nothing. She is the type of person who must be in charge. When I try to step in to help she say's I can't do it the way she wants things done and she would rather do it herself. When it comes to sex in the bedroom, she seems to enjoy it, but during the act she will think of something that mad her mad and she will bring it up until I argue with her and the mood is gone. Iam always walking around the house on egg shells because you never know what is going to set her off. My passion and cuddling is always pushed aside because she has something else she has to do.

Help

I was that woman....about 4 years ago.

My H walked on eggshells for almost 8 years....and then he had an A.

I pushed him away....was always uptight...had to be in control....was never wrong....anger was directed at the closest person to me no matter what I was angry about....never thought about how my reactions to things affected other people...especially my H.

Had a HUGE wake up call when my H had an A.....hopefully that will not happen in your situation.

Now....I'm a completely different person....don't even like the person that I was 4 years ago. Can't say that I blame my H for not wanting to be with me at the time....though he didn't have to have an A also.

I got stuck in Mommy and Maid roll....and forgot that I was also a Wife.

OK, Then I know Iam not alone out there. What do I do to change the situation. I do not want to have an affair. But it is getting harder and harder to go home after work each night. My wife was yelling at me saturday because I parked the car to close to the garage door. MY son who is 15 asked his mom in front of me, why she always yelled at dad? It does not matter what he does for you or us you're always riding him. She looked him in the eye and said she does not yell. So sunday we put the tape recorder out in the kitchen and let it run for 6 hours. Afterwords we played it back for her and let her listen to all the yelling. My son pointed out to her a question I had asked and she went off. My son said he was trying to carry on a conversation with you and he asked you a question in a very polite voice and you jumped down his throat. She denied she was yelling. My son told his mother that he now understands why my dad stays in the basemant and leaves every chance he gets. Get this. My 15 yr old son asked why I stay. My son said I love you and mom, but I would not put up with the way she treats you.. HE would understand if I left.

Hello Hoosier,

I just want you to know that I feel for your situation. However, please keep in mind that this issue is not just an issue with women. It has more to do with personality.

In my case, my H is the person you describe. He is the type A personality. Except for doing all of the cleaning himself, he expects ME to do most of it - but it has to be to his liking. Granted, he does do a lot around the house, but if he does, like you say, I BETTER be doing something at the same time, otherwise I am lazy and worthless. Also, like you say, I am often walking around on eggshells, not knowing what will set him off. It all depends on what kind of a mood he is in. I never know how he will be when he comes home from work. Most often, if he is not happy, he will walk in the door and start looking for things that are out-of-place or dirty.

To be honest, I wish I could tell you how to handle the situation, but I don't know myself.

Hang in there,
svb

I used to be like that, too.

For me, it was the stress of being the primary homemaker, a full-time worker, and primary caregiver of the children. I was stressed, exhausted, resentful, and anger gave me the energy to get everything completed.

I'd suggest you sit down w/your W and tell her how you feel. Don't tell her how she's behaving (she already doesn't realize nor accept that she's yelling, so you know that won't work). Tell her you feel attacked, or you *feel* like she's angry even when she's not, and ask for her help in dealing with that.

Perhaps during exploring how to help you feel less under-the-gun she'll be able to reflect upon herself enough to admit that yes, she feels stressed juggling X, Y, and Z and that it spills over into how she relates to you. Then the two of you can brainstorm ways to alleviate her stress.

If she isn't so candid with herself, perhaps the two of you could come up with ways that she can communicate to you in ways that aren't so hurtful *to you* (take the approach NOT that she's being hurtful, but that you feel hurt).

With me, I wanted all the chores done, I didn't have time or energy to do them all myself, but I felt like a witch asking H and the kids to help. I was always the chore-master, the nag, the b*tch, and I felt guilty, and it came out as anger. I think this is pretty common among women.

svb,

Someone here has got to know how to handle this problem. I can't go on much longer. It make me depressed and sad. I just asked her last week if she wanted me to leave and she started to cry. She said she loved me. She show no love only verbal abuse. I have tried to make things better by doing things she wants to do, but it seems I can't do that right either. She had asked me to book this years family vacation in Flordia. I did. We received the confirmation over the internet showed her where we were staying and what the flight plans were. Her fist response out of her month was " You paid to much for the hotel and airline tickets" She told me to cancel all reservations and she would book it herself. Why would she ask me to do something, knowing full well I would not meet her expections. Ealier last week the vacations confirmations came over the internet and the flight was higher than what I had booked. I asked her why and she said that I did not give her the correct flight dates. I knew I did, they were the same as what I booked. For the sake of arguement I never said a word.

thank you turtlehead, If I may ask and you do not have to answer. Did you use sex as one of your weapons?

If I was Jesus Christ I do not know if I can do anything right in her eyes.

And lord knows I have tried my heart out, because it is hurting

Have you suggested marriage counseling with your W? Although I expect that she would probably say that it is not needed, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Yes, I have suggested and we have seen a marriage con. It was like this. We started the session and she pulls out a list of everything from years and years ago of what I had done to make her mad. I sat there with my chin in my chest. This Woman does not forget. The marriage con. asked me if I had anything to add and my told her no. We never went back.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For the sake of arguement I never said a word. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is the problem. You are walking on eggshells afraid of your wife, and not being(besides your 15 yr. old son) strong enough to put your foot down and say ENOUGH!
What do you think is going to happen when your son is in a relationship? What postive role models has he seen that he will know that love, affection and RESPECT go hand in hand in a marriage/relationship?
It's time to take the bull by the horn and say ENOUGH OF HER WRATH. She is supposed to be your wife and mother to your children not a DRILL SERGEANT!
It's time for you to be the leader in your home, fight for your family unit and tell your wife that you are at the end of your rope, that you can no longer sit by and let her destroy you and your son's self image any longer!
Ask her to go to MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH YOU and ANGER MANAGEMENT for HER! If she refuses then tell her "I am sorry you feel this way but this is what needs to be done to repair our family and if you can't see how much this is needed then we need to discuss OTHER ARRANGEMENTS"
No one should have to live with someone elses misery in life. And it sounds like that is what your wife is, MISERABLE!
If she cries and says she will change, explain that you both need the PROPER TOOLS to change FOREVER not just a band-aid fix (meaning she will be nice for a few days/weeks and then revert back to her old self) and marriage counseling and anger management is the only way this can be accomplished. JMO

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 01:32 PM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

IMHO....I think you need to sit your wife down and tell her EXACTLY how you feel about this whole situation.

Don't avoid the issues....that just makes it worse.

You need to let your wife know that her reactions and actions are pushing you away. She needs to know that her actions are not only pushing you away....but your son as well. She also needs to know that if something isn't done about soon...it may be too late to fix it.

My H waited way longer than most would. Never really told me how he felt....let it all build up until he just couldn't stand to even be in the same room with me any longer.

Had I known then what I know now.....I definately would have fixed MY problems then instead of waiting until it was almost too late.

The problem isn't you or your son...it's her.

Now....I'm not saying that your wife was doing anything.....BUT....and this is a BIG BUT....while I was in this mode I was also involved in an EA...talking to someone on the computer....I didn't know that was what it was at the time...but that is what it was.

My H couldn't do anything right.....everything was always his fault. I didn't want to admit that there might be something wrong with me that made me act and react the way I did.....depression....low self esteem....whatever.

Now though....I don't get mad about ANYTHING....no angry outbursts....no holding grudges.....no bringing up things from the past that he did to make me mad.......why bother....life is so short.....have to make the best of it while you can. I do still have a tendancy to run my mouth about certain things....but nothing judgmental or irrational. I'm am opinionated person......but I've learned that some things just aren't worth worrying about.

Like housework.....used to be a fanatic about keeping my house clean....not sure why.....now I know that my house isn't going to go anywhere and I can always do it later.

I've learned what my priorities are.....my family first....and everything else can be done when they are satisfied.

Actually.....we just got back from Florida and DW. Our first family vacation since we've recovered from the A and it was absolutely fabulous.

I would just like to add that my H and I have never attended any kind of counseling. I'm not saying that it's not needed in every case....but I also don't think it's needed in every case as well.....but I'm only speaking from my own experiences.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 04:09 PM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>

Hoosier,

Wake up, man! She keeps acting this way because you let her!

Why did you abandon the MC? Why did you sit there with your chin down?

This kind of hypercontrol behavior comes from someone who believes they are close to being out of control, so they assert themselvesto regain it.

Your wife is scared and angry. You need to stand up to her.

Write a letter In it, you should state how you are feeling about the marriage and that you want to try counseling again. If she refuses, you are left with only one option...leaving.

There's nothing wrong with telling her this. MC or separation...her choice. Do not threaten. Be prepared for either eventuality.

You are wasting your life living like this. Gird up your loins and put a stop to it...one way or the other.

When you constantly retreat from her barrages, she loses respect for you and you lose respect for yourself. Even your son sees it.

To be honest, I suspect your wife is frustrated with your passiveness. There are many women here who can tell you how that makes them feel.

People will only be a bully as long as they are allowed to be. Stand up to her. Don't run to the basement.

MC or separation. That's where you are.

Low

Hoosier,

You don't need MC, NO... you need FAMILY counseling. Can't you see what you and your W are doing to your son. YOu may think you are doing him a favor by not standing up to her, but you are NOT. Your example is no more healthy than her's is. When a 15 year old boy is asking why you stay with her, and then confronts his own mother with her behavior, you have a boy that feels he has NOTHING to lose. He does not have respect for her or for you. Which parental image would you like him to emmulate??

Get to family counseling NOW and when you go STAND UP for yourself and confront her behavior. Take the tape, take the reservations YOU made and the ones SHE made, take evidence and confront her.

The art of confronting her is not that you don't get mad, but that you don't LB. You keep relentlessly getting her back on track, you keep presenting the evidence, and then you let your son speak for himself and you keep her from interrupting him.

Hoosier if you want this to work, something has to change and that something is YOUR approach to this. Frankly you can leave or ask her to leave, but I think family counseling is where you need to go because this is harming your son, and any other children you may have.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hoosier,

Are you my husband? LOL, not really funny at all, but I was your wife to the T a year ago. I am dead serious. I was so wrapped up in being a mother and a wife that I forgot I was a woman also. My H would try to give me attention and he had bad breath or didn't shave or whatever the reason was I didn't want it. He would unload the dishwasher and put the stuff in the wrong place and I would go off. He worked tons of overtime and I still expected him to work around here like a dog.

What happened?......He had an A and I woke up. There is more to life than being a mother and a wife.....she needs to learn to be herself and a woman again. I would seriously suggest some IC for her. Have her come here I will talk to her straight on. I can see where your M is headed. Straight down the path we went down. You are a conflict avoider. You don't like conflict so you live with this woman every day instead of just stating the way things are and how they should change.

I didn't like myself, I didn't like who I had become. If my H had set me down and said look this is the way it is, and this is the way it isn't going to be......or I am outta here, I would have changed. He didn't need to have an A, but that was his way of telling me he felt ignored and like an alien in his own home with his own wife. After his A I totally worked on me. I am the person he met now instead of the person he was married to. I had to change. I hated myself the way I was, so I hated him also. I had so much anger. She needs a break, some time away for herself or maybe just for the two of you alone, no housework, no kids. Honestly, she is exactly the way I was. She needs to work on herself. I am going to print this out and show it to my H it is so much like me. He will shake his head yes and probably feel sorry for you. You have to tell her how you feel, you can't hold it in. Honesty is the best policy before you end up in a D or an A.

HINY

Hoosier
Let me tell you a little about reflective listening. When your W has an outburst, turn to her and reflect what you think she is feeling,

Honey, I feel you are mad about the car being parked over there.

This will usually make her clarify her feelings, or she could say, yes I am mad.

She probably isn't mad about the car, maybe she just had a bad day, and needs to kick the cat, so to speak, and her family happens to be her cat.

I learned this technique in C. It really works. My H walks in he is cranky, I say, gosh I feel you are mad at me. Instantly he realizes his mood, and says, no I'm not mad at you, I just had a busy day, blah blah blah, and then he releases his stress.

I'm much worse at this than he, so I taught him all about RL he uses it on me and it works like a charm.

Your W is needing to vent something, she is stressed it seems. Please try this approach, all she can do is scream more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />


Usually anger is the top surface emotion we see, underneath is the real issue, the real feelings, dig her out, make her talk about what is really going on.

Express the lack of love you feel from her. She has to realize her ranting would make anybody feel unloved.

Luck to you Hoosier
Ky-4