Our MC recommend that WH and I go on a retreat, alone (without daughter) before new baby arrives. We used my uncles lake cabin and left Thursday and came back home Sunday night. We had a great time. Laughed a lot, read books in front of the fireplace, went on walks along the beach, went out to dinner.

However we did have a few serious conversations that when combined took up a little under two hours of discussion. WH confided on how hard it is for him to be a stay at home dad. He loves it, but he gets so bored and feels useless. He would like us to figure out how to use partial day care or something. He wants to be able to bring in more money for the family. I thanked him for telling me this, and told him this needs to be a priority for us. I suggested a short-term solution: we could use my mother a couple of times a week for daycare while searching for work or as a solution if he got a part-time job.

We also talked about forgiveness and pride. How sometimes pride keeps you from being able to forgive and then you are unable to heal, recover, and move on. We were using other examples in our family to have this discussion. Also we compared our parents marriages. His first memory of his parents together is his mother crying and his dad watching. My first memory of my parents is being jealous of my mom, cause dad liked her so much. FYI, both of our parents separated for a bit when we were little. My parents recovered completely, his parents recovered for a bit and then his dad had an A that resulted in a child, soon after his mom divorced his dad.

Also, I shared I miss kissing WH. While my WH loves to cuddle me, hug me, give me spontaneous pecks, and always touches my hand, arm, neck, or whatever, he is shying away from a real kiss. He sometimes wants to kiss me but isn't sure if it's the right thing to do. Other times he conscious of not wanting to kiss me. At most, he sometimes feels an urge to kiss me that’s only 50%. I told him that even if the urge to kiss me is only 50/50, the no kissing part is winning 100% of the time. I asked him to try and act on the desire when he felt it a little bit rather than beating down that urge into submission. The next day I got a longer and more deliberate peck. However, I think out MC wil have to help us a bit with this.

For the most part we relaxed, joked, cuddled, and read. A great weekend with heaps of new “inside jokes”. Altogether, I think we did very good for our stage in this process. DDAY 2/13/04. A flared up again 4/1-4/9, DDAY 2 4/9/04. WH chooses me and our family - 4/10/04. MC begins 4/12, once a week. 4/14-16 Retrouville weekend. 5/29 WH begins taking Prozac.

Loy,

I am always happy to hear about your progress and updates. I didn't realize that your H was a SAHD...that makes alot of sense though. I am so happy you were sensitive about his needs and feelings....I think it's particularly hard for some men to feel good about themselves when they don't have a certain amount bread winning potential...good for you for helping him think of a short and long term goal!!!

One of the difficulties about intimacy during pregnancy is the psychological disconnection that often occurs between sexuality and maternity. I think it's why so many affairs occur in and around pregnancy. It's not that he doesn't find you sexually attractive, but right now....it's all mixed up with how you look as a mother figure. Many men find pregnant women even MORE attractive...my H wasn't one...and I suspect that yours isn't either. I'm going to give you a very practical piece of advice...and it's a hard one (at least is was for me) and that is....to limit the time that you breast feed to no longer than 3 months and get your body back to pre-pregnancy as soon as possible. It will jump-start the intimacy without compromising your care for you little one too much. It was a sacrifice for me...because I loved the breastfeeding...but it's just something to consider since your marriage still seems to lack as much physical intimacy as you crave.

hugs! blessings!

Star*:

I've been wondering about how long to breast feed and I think, considering our circumstances that 3 months is a good idea. With our first I lost the weight quickly and I've gained 15 lbs less so far. I really want to look amazing as quickly as possible.

It looks like this baby is coming soon. Just got back from my Dr's appointment and I am 4-5 cm dialated and the baby has dropped (it's head is at 0). So, perhaps this week we'll meet our littlest one? Maybe even tomorrow? or the day after?

Oh wow Loy!!! For a second baby...that's significant! It should be soon!

I was very torn between wanting to give my baby my best....and also my marriage. I settled on three months but obviously that's for you to decide. It just seemed that as long as my breast held milk...I was more of a mother figure than a sexual one....and the added bonus of stopping (after the colostrum of course) was that my H could become more involved with the bonding process...with both baby and mommy. I will put you in my prayers for the smoothest of deliveries and the most beautiful and healthy of babies!!!

It is tough to decide how long to breast feed, but as formula is so advanced, I think what's most important for my baby is to have parents in a strong marriage.

I think you are right about the mother figure thing, and really, knowing your H sees you as a mother figure makes it so much more difficult to feel sexy.

Thank you for your prayers and insight.

Loy,

It was profoundly sad for me to understand that some men feel sexually disconnected during pregnancy....but like you, I decided to "know" my husband's needs and balance them with the needs of my baby...recognizing that my primary relationship was the one with my husband, and that a huge part of providing the best environment for my child was to meet the needs of my marriage. As you say....if formula had not progressed as well as it has, or if I would rob my child of the colostrum they needed to fight childhood diseases...it would be a much harder choice.

It must be really exciting to be so close to delivery....please let us know when you are able about the arrival of the baby.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

So, I'm still pregnant and having inconsistent contractions. Super fun. I bet this "any day" thing can go on for a while.

However, I'm really hoping the baby will not come today cause it's exactly two months today from dday #2 - the last time they had sex and saw each other.

If I do have the baby today maybe I will ask my F(?)WH to help me think of better ways to remember that day of the month? Of course, maybe I shouldn't bring him down right now with this unhappy outlook and come up with my own positive twists on remembering the 9th?

Oh sadness, Wednesday's child is full of woe.

Dear LOY,

I am new to MBs, but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your situation, and praying for you as you are having your new baby.

I have 4 children (aged nearly 18, 14, 13 and 9.

I just wanted to say take care of yourself, and please accept my best wishes and prayers as your time comes.

Kas

Loy

May this upcoming birth be a blessing for you and your H. You deserve the very best! Here's hoping all your wishes come true!

SD

Thinking of you Loy!

Loy,

i'm so glad you had such a wonderful weekend. I didn't realize you were so close to delivery. Very exciting time, getting to meet the new little person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> enjoy!! looking forward to hearing the good news.

Loy, I'm new to MB too... but I want to wish you the very best in the upcoing birth of you new baby!

I'm 7 months pregnant right now too (our 3rd), and dh just told me this weekend he was having an EA, and then Monday he said he told her it was over and they had to stop and yesterday OW quit her job and said she was moving away (she is still married but wants a divorce and has little 2 yr old child herself.).

Your story is inspiring. I'm so glad your weekend went so well! You and yours are in my prayers!

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 10:16 AM: Message edited by: Doing His will ]</small>

Loy, I'm new to MB too... but I want to wish you the very best in the upcoing birth of you new baby!

I'm 7 months pregnant right now too (our 3rd), and dh just told me this weekend he was having an EA, and then Monday called told OW it was over and yesterday OW quit her job and said she was moving away (she is still married but wants a divorce and ha little 2 yr old child herself.).

Your story is inspiring. I'm so glad your weekend went so well! You and yours are in my prayers!

Thank you BV, FL, DHW, SD, and Star for your thoughts.

Well, the baby has not yet arrived. I kinda feel like when I was a little girl with a too-too loose tooth that was just hanging on by a thread.

I've been having a lot of false labor contractions which has been really distracting, but I'm getting used to them.

Loy, thanks for the update. I have been so down lately. your story really does bring warmth to my heart!!! i have not smiled on the inside in a while but i just did now. can't wait to hear about the safe arrival of your baby!!

FL,

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time right now in recovery. It's so hard to remember the beautiful things in life while your hurting, or to diminish the positive things that happen to us.

Why do negative things have such a strong influence and impact? I've been trying to build a mental list of positive things in my M to use as a antidote against my depressing or dreary thoughts. Yet sometimes I almost miss recognizing a positive sign (like WH gave me a longer peck on the lips than usual Sunday and I almost disregarded it) but I can pick up a negative sign from 100 yards away. I do not want my negative thoughts to navigate my life.

It's been interesting lately, the more I focus on being a better wife and being a better me, the more I seem to contribute to my WH's recovery. And I seem to be thinking less about the A.

I am intimidated about recovery with a newborn, but as long as WH and I are open and honest with each other, I think we will be OK.

I really admire your courage and honesty. Oh, and happy birthday.