Ever since WH came home...I've had this bad feeling..... a real bad feeling... Like the routine of life is starting again. I am fallin into my deppression, I know I've had that from time to time.. where I get really down. It might have nothing to with my dearest husband, but somehow I feel they are connected.

I just took my anxiety pill....I do not take it regularly like the doctor prescribe, just when I am really down.. and it does help me calm down and go to sleep at night.. but tonight, even after a rum and coke with it.. didn't help (yes, I know...I should, but I can't help it!)

I am falling again, I have no strenght...no hopes, like I am inside this tunnel and it will never get better.. I know it has improved.. and I should even be *****ing about it because a lot of WS are in a LOT more pain than I am,.....but I am more dramatic maybe...
I hang out on this site today a bit too much maybe... and I saw this movie today about this guy having an affair.. well the happy ending was..his wife left him, he could live the OW hehe.. whish was perfect... really sinks in.

My H just hugged me and ask what's wrong I said "nothing"... (yes not very cooperative tonight... but I am not myself) I am worn out emotionally, mentally, physically.....and noone notices... Gawd... all those acting classes mom paid when I was kid paid off! I was the first person to be a black Desdemona at pitt...ahh good old American college theater days...

I miss my friends! I miss my family! I hate my family and they hate me, but who cares I still somewhat loves them, and miss them so much. In the other hand, don't want to leave H alone....no that i cannot do.....will not work at all. Why the hell do I care to stay in this marriage? Why the hell do I care so much! That is the question.... someone help me.. ANYONE!

Hi Harudah,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time tonight.

What kind of anxiety pills are you taking? I'm taking Lexapro. Why don't you take them regularly? Are you supposed to take them every day? If so, maybe you should try for a while. It might help.

You care so much about your marriage because you are a genuinely good person (I can tell by your posts) and because you love your husband and you take your marriage vows seriously. You need to do everything you can to make it work before you give up. Please don't give up!

Please hang in there.

svb

I know that feeling. It is like you fall in a bottomless hole, you just keep falling. Please keep posting and hanging in here. All your friends will come to tak to you. You will feel better.

I know that feeling. It is like you fall in a bottomless hole, you just keep falling. Please keep posting and hanging in here. All your friends will come to tak to you. You will feel better.

harudah- Chin up, life is too short and you are too beautiful to go through this. There is nothing wrong with loving your H and trying to make a better marriage.

Harudah
You probably need to take your meds REGULARLY. Most of the Anti-anxiety/depressants need to build up in your system over time and then you need to maintain that by taking them EVERYDAY for them to be truly effective.
Take them everyday and you may find an improvement in your mood.
God bless!
Frags

morning guys... After I typed my message, I guess my medication decided that I couldn't stay up. I'm shock that I am alive this morning. yay me! H left for work this morning, he always comes inside the bedroom to kiss bye in the morning even when I am asleep....(one of emotional needs he has) This morning was different though...he came back and laid down next to me and and kissed me like 10 times saying he doesn't want to leave me alone. Maybe I gave him something to worry about, but I barely talked last night.. oh well.. I miss already.

I have a foolish heart that I can't accept. I was raised a catholic woman now just 'spiritual' no attachment to any religion, but still keep a lot of christian beleifs inside of me.... So the things that I've denied my whole teenagehood, has come back to me as an adult. "No Divorce until I've done everything possible to save this." And I've always tell my husband "You mess up.. I'm packing"
uhmm..

Thanks guys and girls <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am going to take my pills regularly.. and see what happens so I do not have to deal with the high and lows.....

I'll keep you guys updated... its very hot here today, but my apartment is like the miracle one outside is like 30C and inside the house is 23... big dif...

well.. that's it.

Good morning!

Glad to see that you are in a better place this a.m.

P.S. I am on an anti-axiety drug also (lexapro)
and everyone is right. You do need to take them regularly.

two days in a row.. I am stable.. for two days now. Listening to Eminem..that means I'm feeling better....(back to my angry self) I don't know where my anger belongs though.. towards whom? Towards my family that never takes any responsibilities towards me? They forget if I even existed.. they never write to me.... I am not writing, but I'm going send my Godson which my brother is birthday present. I am tired.

Am I angry towards my husband? Yes
Am I angry at my family? Yes
Am I angry at myself for being such a loser? YES!

Please God give me the strenght to move forward and above to construct a good life for myself...

last night.. well you guys know about my problems. We were watching this movie about this lady that died very young leaving three sons behind and it was really sad...actually it was a movie.. it was "ROOTS" see I've gone lost my mind..
Anyways... he said.. "if you...I mean, if you were to die.. and know you would die either way.. cancer.. Would you have a child for me?"
Of course you guys know the answer: I said "Yes"

But I said, in one condition, you don't marry a woman that's not like.. so she doesn't treat my kid badly.

he said... "my wife is my only wife, I would not marry nor have another child. I would raise your kids with my mom. I would not allowed another mother for our child."

Maybe it was sweet talking, my husband is a poet and that's how he got me.. probably how he got OW.. so how can i beleive anything he says?

Well I felt somewhat releif to know....in my death bed, he'd still want my child and stay dedicated to me...

funny we have those talks.... I have another doctor appointment soon.. I have notice a lot of blood......................

still up and its 3:18am... I found nothing! snooping for no reason.. I'm getting tired like a trained dog that has lost the scent of meat... Should I check a second time? maybe a third.. I check this computer inside out... nothing of her.. from her.. or maybe he is talking to her through is other emails.... oh well, I cannot stop that... but I know if he did talk to her, I wouldn't be able to take him for more than one hour..... but I'm always suspicious. I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!! AND STOP SNOOPING LIKE A DOG!

YOu know, I was looking at my family pictures my husband scanned all of them for me and put the album in order... and I saw my three little brothers.. I just stared it...for a very long time.. and touched the screen in the middle with youngest.. "my little booh booh" I miss them so much!


Maybe that is what is eating me up inside.....

well sighs..that's it

yes, I took my pills....*cries

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: Harudah ]</small>