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#1144301 06/07/04 08:50 PM
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Okay, he did it. I knew he would eventually try to contact me. And I even knew it would probably be through e-mail. I don’t know why I just didn’t close and reopen a new account. Sure I had lots of reasons, but now none of them seem good enough.

And I opened the e-mail.

And I read the e-mail.

My new name for the OM is now “pathetic.” His e-mail made my stomach turn, sickness set in my gut, and a feeling of shame for reading it fell over me. It was all about how weak and low he thought I was for staying with my H, saying H will never change, blah, blah, blah…I saw through all the fog to his desperation.

I wish I never read it.

I did not respond. I spammed it, deleted it. I have an even stronger conviction now to continue “No Contact” with the pathetic being for the rest of my life.

My sweet BH. I want to continue on the road of honesty that we are now traveling for the first time in our almost 7 years of marriage. Do I have to tell him about this e-mail? He is already very suspicious of my computer usage. I have been online a lot more than ever before because the board is the only time I ever feel normal. This board gives me hope and strength. This board tells me everyday that now we are “building up” our marriage that I had so thoughtlessly and selfishly broken down for years. I showed him MB, helped him get a screen name (dadof3bychoice), attempted to include him as much as possible in this.

I am afraid when he hears about the contact he is going to forbid me from using the computer without him…or something like that. But when he is working that is when I need it the most. When I feel the most alone.

#1144302 06/07/04 08:58 PM
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If you're honest with him, he might initially be hurt, but he'll learn to trust you sooner. He'll help you set up that new account.

If you keep it from him and he finds out later, I wouldn't blame him for putting the computer in the dumpster.

It's your call, but you've got a chance to build some trust here...

Low

#1144303 06/07/04 09:10 PM
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Definitely let him know...be honest...and then make sure you set up a new email account with your H. Yes, he may be initially hurt and upset, but your honesty and actions will go a long way.

#1144304 06/07/04 09:15 PM
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thanks to both of you. I know I need to see this as an opportunity to build trust...I have lost so much. I am afraid.

Can you close a yahoo mail account? I tried earlier today and didn't see that option. I feel like I might want the 'puter in the dumpster too now.

#1144305 06/07/04 09:32 PM
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Hi momof3bychoice - tell your H - be honest, if he finds out another way he will be hurt. Tell him that you saw the email, opened it up, really shouldn't have and all the feelings you had -

“pathetic.” His e-mail made my stomach turn, sickness set in my gut, and a feeling of shame for reading it fell over me. It was all about how weak and low he thought I was for staying with my H, saying H will never change, blah, blah, blah…I saw through all the fog to his desperation."

now is your chance to either block OM if you keep that email acct open or to open a new one and do not tell him the address

[ June 07, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: sl000 ]

#1144306 06/07/04 09:35 PM
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mom

Print this post and staple it to the back of the email for him to read...I think it will tell him what you really are thinking.

#1144307 06/07/04 09:47 PM
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stunned dad, great idea. But, I already deleted email. Will this make me seem "suspicious?" Why and I so worried about appearing "suspicious?"

#1144308 06/07/04 09:58 PM
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Hmmmm I am not computer literate but I am sure you could post on how to recover deleted email since I have read that is possible.

Yes it might rattle him that you deleted it but you can tell him your first instincts were you wanted to just move on and deleted without thinking he should know about it. Or that you were torn which to do and the moment you deleted it you realized that he should have had the option of reading it or deleting it unread.

#1144309 06/07/04 10:01 PM
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Just for future reference I strongly suggest you and your husband reach a joint decision on what to do if the OM emails you.....

This does raise one question for me though....how come OM's email addy hasn't already been blocked?

#1144310 06/07/04 10:24 PM
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"Okay, he did it. I knew he would eventually try to contact me. And I even knew it would probably be through e-mail. I don’t know why I just didn’t close and reopen a new account. Sure I had lots of reasons, but now none of them seem good enough."


"This does raise one question for me though....how come OM's email addy hasn't already been blocked?"

I don't have a good answer. I have a horrible answer. I think I wanted him to contact me, wanted to see if he would, to see if he missed me or something...it all sounds really disgusting and horrible now...I feel very shameful for admitting this.

When I spammed his email it deleted it and blocked all further emails coming in from his addy, but you are so very right: I need to close that account and open a totally new one, with my husband, and allow him complete access to all passwords. I have learned so much, but still I failed. I am not giving up on myself just yet.

#1144311 06/08/04 02:59 AM
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momof3bychoice:
I got this info for you from Yahoo.

Deleting Your Account
Yahoo! members can remove their own accounts and account information from Yahoo!. Please follow the instructions below to initiate the deletion of your account.
By terminating your account, you will lose access to your Yahoo! ID, Yahoo! Mail, and profile names. We will also delete your account data and settings across the Yahoo! network. This includes any contents in:

Yahoo! Mail
Yahoo! Address Book
HotJobs
GeoCities
Yahoo! Briefcase
My Yahoo!
Yahoo! Groups
Finance Portfolio
any other area of Yahoo! that can only be accessed with your Yahoo! ID and password
Please be sure you want to delete your entire account as you will not be able to reactivate it once the account has been deleted. You are always welcome to sign up again for a new account.

Terminating your Yahoo! account does not alter or delete your Yahoo! People Search listing, which you need to edit or delete yourself.

If you are subscribed to any premium services, we recommend that you first cancel those premium services before you delete your account. There is no guarantee that deleting your Yahoo! account will immediately cancel the billing for any premium services you may be subscribed to. To cancel your current subscriptions, visit Yahoo! Billing Information for your account, choose the "My Services" tab and click the "Cancel" link for each subscription.

To remove your entire account, please visit our Account Deletion page. You will be asked to sign in to or verify your password for the account you wish to delete. Please be sure to read the next page carefully, as important information about your account is included. You can then confirm the deletion of your account.

If you're having trouble signing in, you can get password help at:

http://help.yahoo.com/help/us/edit/edit-10.html

Please complete the deletion process only if you are certain you would like to remove your entire Yahoo! account and any features you have personalized within the account. Once the deletion process is initiated, your Yahoo! account can never be recovered.



To get this information, I logged in to my email account and clicked up on the "Help" link in the top right corner. Then I clicked on the "How do I delete my yahoo account?" Under the HOw Do I heading on that page.

Good Luck. Make sure you do this WITH your husband right by your side.

#1144312 06/08/04 03:49 AM
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Momof3bychoice,

Please make use of the information mojodiva has given you and destroy your e-mail account with your H by your side ASAP. Be honest with your H first and tell him about the e-mail you’ve received. I think it’s a great idea from Stunned Dad to print out this thread and give it to your H to read. I’m sure if he reads this, he will understand how important and helpful it is for you to receive support and guidance from this forum. Your H will see that you want to be total honest and open with him (about everything and you feelings) and that will go a long way in your recovery and to gain the trust of your H back. [Smile]

Momof 3, I know you feel very guilty and disappointed about the feelings you still experience (I'm referring to the reasons you’ve given why you have not deleted your e-mail account yet), but remember, you’re still in withdrawal and struggle to get pass the residual feelings for OM (remember, I've been there myself). These thoughts and feelings is normal and will pass with time, so don’t beat yourself up over it. You have been very brave to share your feelings so openly & honestly on this board (since the most of the posters here are BS's) and all of this is a step in the right direction. Just continue to do the right thing. [Wink]

Good luck and blessings,
Suzet

[ June 08, 2004, 03:57 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]

#1144313 06/08/04 10:32 AM
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I don't have a good answer. I have a horrible answer. I think I wanted him to contact me, wanted to see if he would, to see if he missed me or something...it all sounds really disgusting and horrible now...

OK...

This is simply a very honest answer from my point of view... Take it for what it's worth.

If Mr. Pep got an email from OW.. DURING OUR RECOVERY...

And, she reached him because he neglected to protect himself from contact because he did NOT chang his email addy ...

AND, he deleted the email BEFORE I could read it....

game over.

The deletion is the worst offense in my eyes.

I would cancel plans and see an attorney.

~~~~~~~~~

The way I look at this .... I would say to my H if he were in your shoes.... Hitting on these points~~

~~~~~~~~~
1. if you knew what was expected of you (NC)
2. if you failed to protect NC (cancel accounts, computer, phone, pagers, etc.)
3. if you failed to be completely honest with me about breakdown of NC
4. if you destroyed evidence that NC had been broken(deleted email before I could read it)
5. either you learned from your mistakes or you did not


Apparently you did not.

I do not feel safe or protected.

The covenant has been broken again. Game over.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I feel sorry for you Momof3. You are not really in recovery. You are pretending. Your only chance is to live by your integrity. I hope you are early in your recovery where this offensive behavior is more likely to be forgiven.

After 8 years recovery ... this behavior would cross my boundary and I would call it quits.

This may sound harsh ... but better a cold splash of salt water on your face from me... than a wake up call of divorce papers from your BH. LEARN from this. Do NOT trust your instincts right now. You choose wrongly when you feel guilty. Open up and be a house of glass if you want to be in a recovered marriage.

Pep


[ June 08, 2004, 10:34 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

#1144314 06/08/04 10:48 AM
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Momof3, I guess I do agree with Pep. I hadn't thought about your actions in relationship to if my FWH had done that with an email he had received from OW.

As far as your reasons for not closing the email account, I was pleasantly surprised to see you give the REAL reasons for not closing the account. I did not hear any fogese in that answer, just truth. And you didn't much like the way that truth looked - pretty ugly.

And that is the wonderful thing about it being your truth! You can choose to change. You can choose into integrous behavior! Wow. What another wonderful learning opportunity for you.

And that is a way you can approach your BH with this breach of trust. If you cannot find the email, you will just have to remember as much as you can, tell your H honestly why you kept the account open (foggy), how that makes you feel now (unfoggy), and be willing to hear him out.

Set boundaries for yourself with him. Get a new account. Just hear what your H has to say. And remember, this is a process. My H said and did some pretty strange things in the beginning of our recovery, also. I was willing to overlook them because he had come so far.

BUT, as time has gone on, he has stopped doing those things. He now realizes that some things nowadays are dealbreakers. And he makes his decisions with that in mind, I'm sure.

Best of luck. Good job being honest with yourself regarding your reasons. I believe that is a HUGE step in the right direction for you.

SS

#1144315 06/08/04 11:00 AM
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Suzet and Mojodiva:
yes i will def. do just what I need to do, that is tell H everything, let him read this thread, destroy old account and set up a new account with him by my side. Thanks for the leg work mojo on how to do the deletion...i am a computer dumb dumb-really. This will help.

Suzet, I am especially greatfull to you for the encouraging words. I do not feel brave posting my true feelings/thoughts here, most of the time I am feeling ashamed. BUT I have to get them out in words and it helps to see it out there...then I read it and say, "You are being ridiculous, momof3, you need to do this or that." Most of the time I am very afraid I will offend a BS out here on the boards...I do not wish to offend anyone, only want to learn, grow, build. I offer a sincere apology to anyone betrayed that my honest wayward postings may have hurt or offended.

Pep...you have scared the sh** out of me. I absolutely do not want a divorce...I am shaking right now just thinking about how my H could have the same thoughts of giving up that you have posted. you must know: we are very early in recovery, and yes, Pep, I believe we are in recovery. We have only been doing this real, open, and honest since March 24, 04. I found Marriage Builders only a few weeks ago, and have only read the first 7 Chapters of SAA. We are learning still, and obviously I am still making mistakes. I read your thoughtful replys to other threads and I have found you to be very insightful. Thank you for the time you put into MB, I have and will continue to lear a lot from you.

Spider: Thank you also for recognizing I am defogged...I have really began seeing the difference. I am learning a whole new way to make choices now...the right choices, with other's thoughts and feelings in mind...not just ME,ME,ME...thank you.

xoxo

Edit: Sorry for the typos, kids want to go swimming NOW, and I am feeling very emotional today... [Frown]

[ June 08, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: momof3bychoice ]

#1144316 06/08/04 11:23 AM
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Pep...you have scared the sh** out of me. I absolutely do not want a divorce...I am shaking right now just thinking about how my H could have the same thoughts of giving up that you have posted. you must know: we are very early in recovery, and yes, Pep, I believe we are in recovery. We have only been doing this real, open, and honest since March 24, 04. I found Marriage Builders only a few weeks ago, and have only read the first 7 Chapters of SAA. We are learning still, and obviously I am still making mistakes.

This is exactly the sort of reply I was hoping for ... this attitude gives me hope for your full recovery.

Good for you~!

[Big Grin]

Pep

#1144317 06/08/04 11:48 AM
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Ahhh nothing like a little

shock and pepper [Big Grin]

mom

You have to understand your husband was the victim of your secrets with the OM so in his eyes he will see keeping secrets or things from him as further betrayal as further lack of concern for him.

Major no no but you can attone for that by openly letting him know and apologizing for the hasty deletion.

I don't doubt you deleted the email so as not to upset your husband but understand radical honesty is just that....radical and completely honest.

#1144318 06/09/04 02:54 AM
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Momof3,

I’m glad that my post (and all the other posts) could be of help to you! [Wink] I could definitely tell from your posts that you are still very, very early in recovery… That’s why I have an understanding for what you going through and the thoughts and feelings of shame you struggling with… I hope you’re feeling better today? Just remember, the feelings and thoughts that are unacceptable to you WILL pass if you just keep NC and keep doing the right things in spite of your feelings… As another posters have said, you can’t trust you feelings and instincts right now. “The problem is not with the feelings we experience and can’t control, but the problem comes when we act on those feelings.” Momof3, I guess all I’m trying to say is that although you can’t control all you’re feelings right now, you CAN control your actions! And that means that although you might feel very, very afraid right now to talk to your H, you must follow through with your actions and TELL your H about the e-mail and then DELETE that e-mail account ASAP… If you keep postponing it, you will just make it more difficult for yourself. [Smile]

Good luck and blessings,
Suzet

[ June 09, 2004, 02:55 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]

#1144319 06/10/04 12:25 AM
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Suzet,

Feeling much better today, thank you for asking. I did not delay any further yesterday and told H. I told him I was wrong in not protecting myself from OM contact, I did not truly want any contact with OM, I told him I was sick about it, I told him I was ashamed, I told him I loved him.

I told him my plan about deleting/reopening a new e-mail account with him, about sharing all of our passwords, changing all of our phone #s and sharing those voice mail passcodes. (Like I said earlier, just read only 7 chaps in SAA, and learned about this...feel foollish that we didn't come up with these steps on our own! They make a lot of sense.)

He looked like he was going to cry. After a few minutes of silence...he admitted the tears were over his HAPPINESS. He wanted to ask me to do all of these things, but didn't. He felt even happier hearing that I WANTED to do all of this for him, for us.

I am such a non-confrontational person...it is soooooo hard for me to communicate with him, even though he is so patient and understanding. I don't remember who it was, but another poster here gave me the idea to start out by telling him that I am very nervous to discuss something with him and I need him to know and understand that before we start talking...or something like that. Anyway, it really helps! At first he was freaked because he thought what I needed to tell him was really BIG, but then after I would say, "ok honey, I forgot to return the movies on Monday, and now we have some late fees" he now knows I get rattled just telling him anything!

Thanks to all here at MB...and can we please stop the all the posting about TOW? I didn't want to start a whole new thread, because then it would be just giving them more space. I just have to say we should leave them alone, disagree with them, hate them, whatever...but remember... you don't have to log in to their site, if you don't like it then stay away. This is still America, a free country, we are free to have this site MB to express our views. Lets use MB to build marriages. I really have not enjoyed all of these TOW threads, they are distracting me from why I am here...building!

love to all, xoxo

oh, ya: sorry for typos...those kids!

#1144320 06/09/04 08:04 PM
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"He looked like he was going to cry. After a few minutes of silence...he admitted the tears were over his HAPPINESS. "

[Big Grin] YOU are soooo blessed!

GREAT!

Take care...

Pep

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