I need some support. I have requested a NCL or H would have to leave. He will not do something I am requesting or have made up on my own that puts words into his mouth. He says he did this the last time. (When he spent the night out ow and was asked to leave when he returned. When he begged for another chance and I told him he had to end things. He ended it saying some nasty thingsto ow. Weeks later he has called ow to apoligize and has basically opened the door again, (I miss you and there is a chance for them) He is now mad at me for giving him an ultimatum. He says the that I made the decision for us. Write NCL or leave. "He won't hurt her again" When I state he has no problem hurting me or the children he says "Not true." I have told him it was he who has made the decision as he came up with no other solutions nor fought to work things out. I really believe that he can't do this on his own and it is almost as if he is waitng for ow or I to throw in the towel, then it is off him. Part of me wants to plan B and part of me says not too. Why? I guess I am not much of a gambler and the risk of him walking away for ever is too big. But On the other hand I have the hopes that he will see the mistake he made. He tells me he knows the right thing to do, stay ,he says it is a no brainer,, but can't seem to fully commit Do I plan be or give him more time? It has been 8 months since A exposed.

Hi HRTBRKN,

I don't know your whole story but if you have been dealing with a WH all this time,did a Plan A in the beginning,then it's time for a Plan B.Your WH is fence sitting and cake eating like a regular and now is the time to up the ante.The longer you maintain the staus quo the less chance he will change.Right now he doesn't have a need to change because both women are putting up with his bad behavior.

Whether or not your WH sees the mistakes he made and comes home for good,or he changes or he leaves or whatever course he chooses,it's HIS choice.All you can do is protect yourself and change and take care of any children as best you can while in Plan B.

I have heard the same spiel from my WH all this time: " I know I need to end the A", " I know I am addicted", blah blah blah.Same old fog speak.But did he ever DO anything to change his behavior? NO.Actions speak louder than words,we all know that here.Look at what your WH is DOING and then make your decisions based on that.

Of course your WH can't do it alone but until he hits bottom and seeks out help for himself he is going to keep sinking deeper in the muck and mire but you may not be there to pull him out.That is a risk he is willing to take right now.That deosn't feel good does it? I know it doesn't for me.I feel insignificant right now to my WH by his choices so I no longer feel like I can be with him.I didn't wait the full 2 years like Dr.Harley suggests but I don't think it's written in stone.Each person has their limit of pain and abuse they will take,I have reached mine.

O

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 10:08 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you October Girl, You are right about what he is doing. He knows the right thing to do so he says but won't hurt her agian. But it is ok to hurt me and the children. Now he is onto the you deserve better than this I love and always will. I don't know what I want so that must mean something so I should go BLAH BLah Blah....
The hard part for me is the anger one minute and the sadness of the reality of him going. I am so afraid to let him go. I love him so much it hurts... I am worried that I have not given him enough time to get over OW. SHould I wait longer or let him go and see what he will be misssing?

Ok HRTBRKN,

I went back and read all your posts.You have received good advice all along but how many times can we tell you to get into Plan B? This is what you should be doing if you want to follow the MB principles.

Unless something has changed that you didn't mention,you need to stop the madness and get off the coaster and into Plan B for your sake as well as the children.No more Mrs.Nice Guy ok? I know it will be hard for you,it is for all of us at first but it gets better.What is the alternative but to let your WH walk all over you and maintain the status quo which I am sure suits your WH just fine.

He will hopefully see what he's missing when you put a stop to letting his bad behavior affect you by refusing to allow it anymore(PBL),getting on with your life and taking care of you and the kids.

WS's don't like to come home to wishy washy, needy BS's even though we do feel that way sometimes after being betrayed as such but think about it.If you knew you did something as horrible as commit adultery,could you come back to a spouse that was needy and in pain and showing that every day? It's much more attractive to come back to someone who looks like they have moved on without them and is strong and confident.I know that's hard too but that's part of what you work toward in Plan B.You have been at this since January so it's time to up the ante.

'Nuff said??


O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 14, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I have spoken to him and he will be leaving soon. I am giving him time to get a place and then get out. Hopefully he will. It seems that I am the one who keeps pushing the issue for him to leave. He would rather not discuss things and hope they would go just go away. He tells me that I make it sound like things are final . I am way ahead of him in planning. I keep reminding him that he is in a fantasy and needs to think about these things. He needs to see what he is losing : His wife, children , house , boat, family and what he is gaining his girlfriend. Time will tell. Thanks for the support.

HRTBRKN,

While your WH is on his way out the door,don't forget to hand him that Plan B letter ok? Now's as good a time as any.Don't let him leave without a Plan being in place.If you still want a chance for him to come back,he has to know it's there and that is shown by a loving Plan B letter that can light his way back to you under certain circumstances.

O

Is that when I give him the pbl? on his way out I wasn't sure and was gong to email it to him at work today. He has left for a few days, for work, and I am a mess. I know he spoke with her again yesterday. I asked when he told he would be leaving he said he didn't . I made a comment about the fact that she has waited 2 and a half years so what is another week or two.
He has not found a place yet. All that he called are rented except one which was $3000 and mont for July and $4000 for August. What a dreamer. What should I do about the fact that he plans on living off one of our stock accts. Should I freeze against or just let it be. Also
the day he should be leaving is father's day and he has asked me not to make him leave that day what should I do? Should I still be considering his feelings at this point or just the kids and I?
Do I need to file for a legal seperation with financial and custodial schedule or not? You advise is greatly appreciated...