Get this, the latest thing she pulled is bringing the OM to our church with her at the service time that I go. One of the pastors there married us and several friends know us and what is going on. She is just humiliating herself IMO and angering me at the same time. Luckily I didn't go yesterday (had a gut feeling not to) because I think I could have attacked the guy right there in the service. I hate this guy now and may hate my wife by the end of this because of the way I am being treated. She has a lot of nerve. And it has only been barely one month since I found out about her affair. Any WW's out there who can explain her objective in going that low? Why is she treating me like a piece of garbage now when she was proclaiming her love to me right before this crap? I hate to say I wish bad things for them, but I want them to suffer consequences for this. Right now I feel like I am the only one who is hurt in this. Unbelievable. I think she is capable of anything now and that is scary. It's weird when the "best" (so u think) person in your life turns into the scum of the earth. I just don't get it. opinions?

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

oh yeah, I forgot to say that it is hard to move on when she is invading my world with her sin and shoving it in my face.

Yes, Juke - this is beyond reason, and par for the course.

One of the hardest things is for new BSs is to gain control of their emotions.

Please read the link in my sig line below.

Look at it this way - if she's willing to come to the church with OM where a pastor who married you resides, in front of your friends who know what's going on, what does that tell you about her state of mind?

Exactly.

She's been abducted by aliens.

You're not experiencing anything unique here, sad to say. But let this be some comfort to you - you're normal and she's "normal", for a WS.

This means everything on this site applies to you.

Soak it up and try to look at her with a different eye.

I suggest you intentionally go to the services as normal - hoping she and OM show up. Stand tall, shoulders back. It's OK to let a tear streak down your face. Just be a rock. Be the symbol of what is good and right. The mere fact she's there with OM shouts out loud to all who know, "I am nuts!!!!!"

See? You win. No contest.

Get hot on Plan A.

<small>[ June 08, 2004, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I don't have much time - but I wanted to send a quick reply.
He should not have gone. I don't know why they do the things they do, but they are following the same script. I do have one suggestion - you should call the pastor of the church and make an appointment to discuss the situation. It sounds like the pastor is all ready aware, but I would suggest talking to him about it, and find out what steps the church is planning to take, if any. You have a right to feel comfortable where you worship.
Hang in there.
things will get better, eventually, but it will take a while. I am afraid this will not be the only time you will be confronted with the blatant stupidity of the wayward spouse. In my opinion, this type of behavior only helps their realtionship to fizzle out even faster.
If they were truly meant to be together, if their realtionship were well grounded, they would say "lets get our lives in order FIRST, and then come together" instead they are saying "lets rush into something, and try to make people accept it"
True love is willing to step back, wait, and grow.
This is not true love. it is just lust. And it is going to slam itself into a brick wall.
She is smiling now - but she is using up all her happiness in a short amount of time. Later, she will be miserable. And by then, you will be healthier, happier.

Hi juke,

I am sorry that your WW did that but like WAT said she is off the deep end and has only her OWN agenda going on right now.

You are experiencing the normal flux of emotions when dealing with this unspeakable act.I still have some pent up anger and I am 8/9 months into this myself.Just go with the flow and don't ACT on your emotions.We don't want to see you on the 6 o'clock news ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know what you about the WS changing.I NEVER in my wildest dreams ever thought I would have been betrayed and yet here I am and some days when my WH is home,I am actually fearful of him,for the first time in our 20 years together.If he could betray me like that,what else is he capapble of? I don't want to know.He looks different now,just like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.That's what happened.

You are still so new to all this,but it does get better.Really.Just hang in there.You will either rise above the A and have a better marriage than ever or you will grow and learn and be more confident and be able to let her go if that's what you feel you have to do.Keep posting and venting.

O

Thanks guys. Yes, she is behaving like a mental patient, I just hope it doesn't last much longer. Yes, I did talk to the pastor and he told the other pastor that we know. The pastor that married us is going to be watching for her and he said he will go right up to them and ask what they think they are doing? She is being ridiculous and it will bite her soon. She has become like a character in one of those evil woman movies that I used to like. You know, the ones where they completely turn on their husbands for no apparent reason. That is my new reality and I never thought this would happen to me. Weird.

Hi Juke

FOG FOG FOG FOG FOG!

As a lot of us WS acted (and can now see how stupid we were acting), she is just trying justify her Fantasy Island scenario to everyone around her, especially you. "Da plane - Da plane" will crash land. Listen to everyone on this board who offers advise..they have TONS of wisdom, and your best interest at heart!

~ias

yeah, Iamsorry it is like she is creating a new fantasy life in her head or something. My friend said it looked like her hair had been cut shorter and maybe even colored different. Maybe out of guilt, like she can become a different person or something. How long does the wacky fog usually last? I haven't been talking or calling or leaving notes for her at all so she is left to her own self destruction now. The timer is on. Lets see how long it takes.

Juke, your posts are full of disrespect and anger. Believe me I understand why you feel the way you feel - but venting such hatred isn't going to make the situation feel any better. We all understand that your wife is acting poorly - you don't have to convince us or pull us on your side. I suggest you start finding a healthier way to deal with what your feeling - otherwise even if she does come back, she most likely won't stay.

Proactive or Reactive - I suggested learning the first one.

This is the first that I have really felt so much anger. I really am an extremely compassionate and forgiving person. I have said all of 3 mean words to her this whole time. It just angers me when she pushes it in my face when I am the one who is hurt the most here. I tried and tried to reason with her in the first couple weeks and admitted even to things that I could work on in the marriage, but the more I did that the more mean spirited she was towards me. it's almost like she wants me to go off on her so that she has a reason to resent me or something. Like that would make this easier for her. It's funny that lately all she thinks about is her and nothing else it seems. i am sorry if I sound like a jerk today just venting. I still love her and that is the hardest part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

{Juke}

Your last line says it ALL! That is what you need to remember. You love your wife It is okay to let your feelings out, stomp your feet, scream, cry, throw things (not at people), just VENT! VENT MAN VENT...but there will come a time when you will have to take action...listen to everyone here, they will guide you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Juke,

Don't worry about what you said.You have a right to be here,getting help and venting.We ALL do it and have said worse in our own homes.I think hope4future is right BUT you have only just found out a month ago and have so much to deal with.If we can't vent here,there isn't any other place that really understands like we do.

Venting DOES make us feel better,at least it does for me.If we keep all these feelings bottled up,THAT does us no good.So IMO keep coming back and posting.Maybe refrain from curse words so as not to offend the fragile egos and souls is all I would suggest.

O

Juke

October is right..us Libras KNOW how to vent. You are very lucky to have found this site so early into your situation...I only wish, that I would have found this web-site 5 years ago! Listen...and learn my friend..you can save your marriage, and have a better one at that!

~ias

The thing is that I feel like I can't save it bacause she has moved out of our house and in with the guy. He is around her everyday to feed her head with garbage and justify her actions. My wife can be easily influenced by people who she likes. Her contacting people and asking them to hang out with her and OM just shows that she is looking for acceptance for what she is doing from mutual friends. But she isn't going to get it from them. they are really disgusted by the behavior. She wants to have her cake and eat it too and it just isn't going to work. That may be a wake up call to her regarding what she has lost, but who knows at this point. Her head needs to clear and that could take a while IMO. The loss that she will have in this is much larger than mine. She is losing her only local family which is my family and almost all of our mutual friends.

Juke,

You must understand that the WS don't feel they are losing anything, because their whole world is wrapped up in the OP. In another words they are in the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, there is good news as well, and it explains why marriages from these situations don't work very often. NO ONE can meet all of the needs all of the time especially when one of the needs is having friends.

The fact that she is living with him, and taking him around to your church, and friends, shows that she needs more than him, and it will very likely bring this mess to an end one day. 6 months is fairly common sometimes a year or two.

My recommendation is return to your church and be the man you have always been, be the friend you have always been, if you have more free time now that WW is gone, do some volunteer work. Get a life in other words. Make this minus a plus for awhile. She is looking to validate something that she cannot justify or validate.

So hang in there, become more active in church and social things, heck even invite people over for a cookout or something, but begin to live and not focus on her so much. It is his job and I think it will be shown that he is NOT up to the job and the affair will end.

Must go, but I do hope you will consider what I have said.

God Bless,

JL

Dearest Juke,

I too once was a WW many lives ago, and it took me a long, long time to come out of the 'fog' as so adequately described.

While I never stooped to bringing the WH to church, I wanted to push the relationship, get everyone to accept our situation.

After approximately two years, I came to realize that I would never be able to be 'right with my God' in present circumstances, I simply could not get over how the relationship started and how much I'd hurt not just my XH, but my family as well.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're experiencing. Let's hope it doesn't take your wife as long as it took me.

My heart goes out to you, believe me.

- Wendy

Sorry Juke,

I wish I could give you some sort of advise...but you have to remember...I was on the gross-foggy end of what your into right now...I can give you an insight as to the ca-ca that your wife is slinging...maybe deceifer some of the language and actions...but I think the "experts" on this site will give you a game plan! I am still learning myself. The one thing I noticed in your post is that you seem to be giving up already...DON'T! There are many ups and downs and twists and turns that you will experience on your ride....if you want to be with your wife..buy a roll of tickets, don't wear a baseball hat, and barf bags are located by the lockers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Trying to make you smile...because this situation SUCKS...for everyone! Take a breath, and get ready to print a lot of posts from the veterans here...they really know their stuff! I have a file folder stuffed to the gills.

~ias

Yes, young grasshopper.You have much to learn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know it all seems so futile and things are going so fast and your WW appears to be on a freight train to hades but you have to do much more reading and posting to get to where we are right now.

All of what you mentioned is what many other WS's do.The trick is to know how to deal with it.Don't expect your WW to get the wake up call anytime soon.Read up on Plan A,again if you haven't lately,and read the books suggested here: SAA and HNHN.Get into some counseling if not already and also consider some AD's.

You cannot control your WW and part of that can create a tremendous amount of anxiety but she is on a different path right now and you have to let her walk it.It's been hard for all of us to watch our loved ones head down this destructive road but we cannot change them,we can change only ourselves.The risk of loss is a biggie for these WS's but it usually has no bearing on their actions when they are deep in the "fog".

Just keep reading,posting,educating yourself about Infidelity and take care of YOU.In order to survive this trauma,you need to make sure you are taking care of you: eat right,get as much sleep as you can,exercise,counseling,AD's if necessary,talking to friends and your pastor,etc,etc.You're in this for the long haul so you need to be like an Army Ranger and be prepared for all that's to come,ok?

o

Thanks for your responses. I hope the fog doesn't last as long as some of you talk about, but I am not willing to wait for years (she wants divorce now anyway so I am sure that will happen before reconcile does). There are no children involved fortunately and I am only 26 so I can move on no problem. There are plenty of fish in the sea, it's just hard because I love my fish soo much. She is, or was my best friend ever. That is a whole other betrayal because we enjoyed eachothers company as friends so much.

Believe it or not, the friendship is what I miss most and I am a very sexual person. She was my partner, my buddy, and now is gone.