Just went to our first marriage counseling session. It was not what I expected.

I have read HNHN, LB, and SAA.

We got the counselor through a recommendation from church, as promarriage.

I had called her and arranged for the session. Before we had time to meet I discovered my wife arranged to spend two days and nights with her internet BF. Before she had left we actually were coexisting better each day. It was the first time they met. I was devastated. I called the counselor for advice. After she got back she was cold and mean. Asked for divorce. I found on her computer that she was looking at Houses in Las Vegas where her internet BF lives. As well as checking plane fares to Vegas for the end of the month. Scared the hell out of me.... AGAIN!

Back to my question. The councilor knows this. When we met today for the first time I felt like I was gettting beat up on. She listened and listened and listened to my wife spew how terrible I had been and how she was so tired from working so hard on our marriage. She just wanted it to be over.

The counselor seemed to sympathize with her. She told me to give her space ... that she doesn't want anything from me so don't try.

She gave us folders and questionaires to take home and bring back to the next session. I hardly got to speak at all during the session.

I didn't expect her to turn my wifes heart the first meeting, but I didn't feel encouraged. My wife kinda liked her I think.

Is this anything like normal? I expected some up and down counseling, but.... I don't know.
Explain someone who has been there.

When I said I didn't feel encouraged, I meant I didn't feel she encouraged her to think of our marriage as worth saving.

Give it some time. I think the MC's do this for a reason. First, I remember my FWH would just blather on and on with all the things, both real and fantasy, that he felt I had done that in some way justified the fact that he didn't love me. According to him at that time, in fact, he had never loved me, married his best friend, we got married too young, for all the wrong reasons, blah blah blah.

I just sat there, stunned. He said the craziest stuff. He convinced himself it was all true, or else how could he have done the horrible things he did? If it wasn't True Love?

Pallleeeezzzz.

Question: Are you the one spearheading the MC issue? If so, the MC might be going easy on her for now, so she will let her guard down. And so the MC doesn't scare her off. I don't know about your WW, but my FWH looked like a wild animal sometimes. If I moved too quickly or spoke too loudly, he would scamper off. His mind was elsewhere.

Anyway, those are a couple of the reasons I thought of right away. Of course, our first MC, the one I am talking about with H blathering on and on, and her taking it easy on him, is not our current MC. We switched. She was good, just not for us.

Best wishes. MC of any type is a good sign. Have hope and hang in there.

SS

Here's my 2 cents....

WH & I have been going to the same counselor for IC for about 7 months now. WH does not want to go to MC, but we have gone together once. I, too, felt like I was getting beat up on. I wanted to say, "Hey, wait a minute, I'm not the one that had an affair!" Seven months later I realize that these counselors know that they have to take it easy on the WSs, or they will probably bolt & never come back again.

Are you also going to IC? If not, you may want to consider this in addition to MC. An IC will focus on you and your needs, but will also focus on your marital issues if you make it clear that is one of your goals.

FamilyMan, relax. When I counseled with Steve Harley he spoke to W and I for a few minutes on the phone to get introduced. He then told me to hang up and spoke to her for the remainder of the hour. This scenario repeated itself frequently but he gained valuable insight by letting wife rip me but at least I didn't have to listen to it. But the other posters are right your MC is trying to get your W on board with the process. One suggestion; you are paying good money for this and while your wife may rip you non-stop, resist the urge to shut down and drift away. You want to stay focused and listen to everything your wife says. They may contain tipbits of very important information. The goal is to keep her going to MC.

WOE

Well, WS called OM this evening. I guess to fill him in on the appointment.

Thanks for some of the insight. I can see what you are saying. But as long as he is in the picture what hope does counseling bring. Can the MC help her? Help me?

FamilyMan, if OM is still in the picture can MC help? Absolutely. Understand you are in for a longer haul than you would like or is fair. Nothing is fair about this. But one thing MC is doing is making it HEAVIER for her to carry on the A. Same thing with exposure. The more strategic people you inform the heavier it gets for her to keep ignoring the decimation she is doing. My W has me going to IC because the problem is of course all me. So I need to understand why it is OK for her and OM to continue on as friends. Well as the fog begins to lift I know she is very embarrassed that I am seeing IC for all the wrong reasons. So again you just want to get this to the point where it's more trouble than it's worth for her. Then, once she is out of the fog, you can sit down and decide if you want to rebuild the marriage or end it. But you are in no position now to make those life altering decisions. Work on you and know that this fantasy will end.

WOE

not familiar w/your story but again don't get to anxious about what happened (easier said then done i know). listen to walkingoneggs, he's had lots of sessions and has a lot of input. then again, he still asks questions too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> you know i'm just giving you a hard time right WOE?

i'm also counseling w/steve harley, mostly myself, my h has talked w/him twice but we've never talked to SH at the same time. if it makes you feel better you might could schedule a session or a telephone appt w/this counselor and verify what has been said here. steve harley is very big on seeds being planted and as WOE said as your W goes to MC this may very well put pressure on the A and everything that goes w/it.

bottom line-it's too soon to tell but hang in there. you also know that the best counselor of all is God, he's always available, he's always right, and he's free. continued prayers to you.

Thanks for helping me understand this some.

WOE.. She is calling him and IM'ing him daily. Looking for realestate in Vegas! I'm panicing. Scared he is trying to milk her dry so to speak. Buy him a house. WHY is she looking for a house?

If she keeps taking comfort from him how can I compete. She says she is tired of trying, (hmph) she says it's too hard. How hard can I make it on her about the affair is she doesn't care. Her sisters support her. Her friends are non-judgemental. She is getting no encouraging feedback to save the family.

Can a MC give her that. Make her see how foolish this Internet thing is that she is addicted too. Feel like I'm drowning, can't believe I'm here.

Has counciling seperated your WS from the OP?

FM, has counseling seperated my W from the OM? No, in fact she still sees him once a week and calls him a couple of times a week. But I am winning the war and she is re-committing slowly. Back to your case. Don't try to educate her about how foolish she is. It won't help. You need to just be strong and act like you are preparing for the worst. You don't grovel or anything even close to that. You just be as open to discussions as possible with her. In other words the minute she suggests the OM is her soulmate don't pick up a plate and throw it, but rather ask her to elaborate. Keep counseling. She will tell you she's only doing it for you because she already knows it's over. I mean if you ask 10 people on this board what she'll say, all 10 will tell you exactly what she will say. So notice the tremendous consistency here and know that you can win. Seems ridiculous that her sisters are supporting her. How bout her folks? Inform them immediately if you haven't already. She'll scream foul but you need to do this. Try to find someone she holds dear and get them on your side if possible. Also try to find out the content of those IM's to see what you're dealing with from the other side. I'm sure she can't buy OM a house without you signing something etc. I guess in a nutshell, map out your plan and stick to it. Don't let her theatrics effect you carrying out your plan. Your plan is to improve you, avoid negativity around her. Just conduct yourself as assuredly as if this wasn't going on. Easier said than done. But I don't think this is going to move near as fast as you fear. Take a breath. Keep us advised.

I have to agree MC is trying to gain her trust so she will open up to him/her. Someone mentioned IC for yourself how about for W also. This is what helped my H detach from OW when he wouldn't open up in MC infact says he doesn't get very much out of MC but alot out of IC. C tells him because MC is tough for him to handle he has to look at pain he caused and is causing me. Many WS will go to IC just to tell the C everything thats "wrong" with BS. Our MC is also our IC and it works out great he takes what we say IC and brings it to MC.
And even after the beginning stages sometimes you leave C feeling beat up, and sometimes confused, sometimes on top of the world. But all times are productive and you will learn from it.

Hi lFamilyMan, my h and I went for MC, at our first session the counsellor did not really say to much but listened to both of us and asked some questions to get us talking. She did give us some homework also to do.

I am the one who had the A, I did tell her in the joint counselling session that the A was over, she asked me back for a private session and asked me again if the A was over. She said that MC would not work if I was still seeing OM, (I wasn't) she explained that MC would not work if I was still involved, if I had been that she would suggest IC for me.

Please be patient - I think that the fact your w went to a session is a good sign. Sandy

Thanks Sandy, but my WS has indicated no intention to get out of the A. In fact fantasizing about some future with him. ONly met him once, other than Internet.

Had our second session yesterday. We filled out a bunch of questionaires and met separately with our MC.

We went to the sessions in different cars because she had another obligation right after her session. She went in for the first hour. Then I went in.

Didn't feel real good after I left. We talked about the marriage and some of the things that had went wrong and the contributions that led to this place. Talked about the "A". WW did not admit to A with counselor, only that she had a "friend." I shared some of the evidence I had with the counselor. She told me MC would not work if there was a third person. She did not give me hope. I told her I didn't believe she would give up her Internet "friend" and she agreed with me. Said right now she felt it was 70% chance that the D was coming. I feel more like 99%.

MC said I have no control over the situation, and in her opinion neither does WW. The OM is in control, and we can only hope he shows his colors before the D occurs. She says it will be difficult since they are living in a fantasy world right now, and planning a future together.

She told me to protect myself and the kids financially from any rash/poor decisions WW may make.

I feel like a quitter working both sides of this fence. On one side preparing for divorce and a custody battle; on the other side doing everything I can to save our marriage. It seems that the two sides conflict in so many areas. I don't feel I can do either adequately if I'm doing both. Does this make sense?

Every day I wake up I see a little less light at the top of the pit I'm in.

Your counselor is absolutely right. One of you has to be thinking straight, and right now, it is not your wife. You need to expect the worst, and work for the best. Protect your family.

You can see how crazy WW is acting, but she is not in her right mind. Who would even consider moving across the country to be with someone they have met only once?

Stick with us and work the MB program but protect yourself. You don't want your wife moving your kids to Las Vegas, to be with some nut.

^bump for Melody^