I'm new to the board, but have read postings for awhile now. I have been married for just over 10 years. In September I found out my H was having an A with a woman he works with. I felt like things weren't right between us - time was unaccounted for, odd phone calls, etc. I had previously asked him about his relationship with this OW, but he swore they were just friends and coworkers. I got into his work e-mail and found out that he was going to her home, that she had asked him to move in with her, that she loved him and thought he loved her (although he did not write that he loved her). I confronted him with this and he promised to end all contact with her and focus on our marriage. We went to MC a few times, but it wasn't the right person for us and we didn't look for another. In February I thought things had started up with them again, and on Mothers Day she called him while I was with him. At first he lied to me about who was on the phone, but then he did tell the truth. After that I found this board. We sat down and discussed what we felt we needed from one another that we hadn't been getting and promised to try harder to be better spouses and meet those needs. He promised to end it all with her, and one of my conditions was that if he ever saw her again we would have to seperate. Everything seemed to be going great - he even commented on how good things were. Then last Friday he said he was going to dinner with friends, but I didn't believe it (but didn't tell him that). The next day I was doing laundry and found ticket stubs to a baseball game with OW name on them from the previous night. It seems to me he left them there to be caught on purpose. We are now seperated, and I told him we can talk only after he has really thought about why he continued his A, and only when he was really willing to end it for good and work on our M. He said that he had never taken the thought of us divorcing seriously. So I am hoping this will make him understand that I will no longer be a doormat and tolerate his actions. My question is, what if he comes back after a couple of days and says he is ready? How do I believe that this time is for real? If he lies to me again after what I just went through (really making myself vulnerable and then having him continue the A) I don't think I could go through it again. I have made it clear that I am partially at fault in all of this too, and that I want to try harder to improve my own actions. Am I on the right path?

I replied to your Plan A/B thread

Hurt,

I think you're doing pretty well. You and your H have discussed your needs, which suggests you've been doing a Plan A.
How are you at avoiding LBs?
Is OW married? Have you exposed the A to her H? How about their managers at work?

Since your H swore it was over twice now, I don't blame you for being gun-shy. I think before letting him come back home you should require him to write a NC letter to OW, and let you approve and mail it.

You might also ask that he change jobs - you can't make him, but you can ask.

double post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

And *this*, kids, is why we should never play with the back arrow on our web browser... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

HIDE

I am wondering if you have read Surviving an Affair? Just because you can get so much valuable information from this site, but the book also. I think that you are on the right track JMHO. I also will not let my H move back without IC and a NC letter. I think he thinks I am going to let him in without it, but I am not. I have made it very clear. Stick to your guns, dont give in to tears or sadness, or even your longing to be with him. Stay strong. You are doing great. Keep reading. Other books helpful are his needs/her needs, torn asunder. I read tons while I was going through this, between everyone here and the books I could make it on my own if I had to now. You will get stronger, it just doensn't feel like you will right now. Good Luck!

HINY