You all probably know my story. WH got retirement bonus of $25,000. and promised to give me $2,000. So far he gave me $1,000. Two days ago, I wrote and asked him to put the other $1,000. in my account. He refuses to do it. Today I came home from work and there was this letter and a dozen roses.

My Dear Wife -

Why are you so unhappy? You got rid of the biggest problem you had, that was me. You told me several times you are moving on with your life. You took a nice trip, you've been fixing up the house, you've got a roommate to help with expenses, you got a promotion at work, you started a property management business, and on and on.

We've talked about getting back together, but it was never the right time, and yes Janice was out of the picture. No I haven't been giving Janice any money, she doesn't want any.

You want some more money, which I will give you if your really need it. What is it that you really want? I can't blame you, I am the one that has caused all of this. I am sorry. I am not worth all the pain you have been going through.

I do still love you, and God knows what is in our hearts. I wish I knew what was in your mind? Let's resolve this conflict soon - you deserve to be happy and have a good life! God knows you have paid enough dues. It should be number one priority! Until we talk again.

Your husband always, WH

So is he still seeing the OW or having contact? That was obviously a condition of getting back together. Since he knows that Janice does not want his money he is obviously still talking to her. However, it could be that the fog is starting to lift. Proceed with caution!

I say proceed with honesty. Let him know what is on your mind.

dewt

kloe - Janice is living with him. He knows from my Plan B letter what he has to do. And although he says she takes no money, he has blown over $75,000. on her this year.

believer,

first things first. (((((HUGS!!!))))

My gut feeling is that you WS is asking you to take care of the big D.

He is obviously resentful that you have gotten on with you life and have not fallen into a million pieces.

Perhaps you could explain to him that although 'Janice' may not want his money he has been very forthcoming with money for her in regards to the affair and all the fun he is having.

Maybe you should tell him that that you did not get rid of the biggest problem. It was not him, it is 'Janice', and continues to be 'Janice'. When he is ready to go NC and can prove that to you, then, perhaps you may be able to resolve the issues that are between you, because 'Janice' is between you.

Tell him you went plan B to preserve love for him, but what are you supposed to do? Suffer financially? A roomate helps with the bills. Lay down and die and stop your life completely because he is with ow?

And by the way, you did go to reconcile and work things out, TWICE, but he just happened to be 'boinking' 'Janice' at the time, so what does he think you should do?

Just exactly how long was ow out of the picture? You WS is having a big fogpityparty.

It's really about what HE should do.

Just MVHO. Take care of you hon. I know you are hurting. An email explaining never hurt anything. I am all about the truth.

But maybe you should ask Orchid how to fogspeak back to spouse in this situation.

I know you are a woman of faith. You have SOOO much loved the sinner and hated the sin. You have such a generous heart. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know it is not about the money. Got to give you another hug. (((((hug believer))))).

I will be praying for you and recovery. However, you are worthy and deserve the best. God is working in your life. Believe it believer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

miss M -

I have been going through this for over a year. Janice has never been out of the picture. WH has told me she is out of the picture about 10 times. But she has never been really gone, more than a day or so.

We have talked, but my time has been wasted. He is still boinking Janice. I am getting really disgusted by his and her actions. She left and abandoned a 12 year old girl. It is all about them.

miss M -

I have been going through this for over a year. Janice has never been out of the picture. WH has told me she is out of the picture about 10 times. But she has never been really gone, more than a day or so.

We have talked, but my time has been wasted. He is still boinking Janice. I am getting really disgusted by his and her actions. She left and abandoned a 12 year old girl. It is all about them.

miss M -

I have been going through this for over a year. Janice has never been out of the picture. WH has told me she is out of the picture about 10 times. But she has never been really gone, more than a day or so.

We have talked, but my time has been wasted. He is still boinking Janice. I am getting really disgusted by his and her actions. She left and abandoned a 12 year old girl. It is all about them.

Believer, I think Miss M is right. The biggest problem is Janice. But I think that he is asking for a D, but he wants you to initiate it. Wh's are coward, they wanted D, but they are afraid of the one who initiate it. Please don't fall in the trap. If i were you, I will go dating. It may not be the MB principal, but what else can you do?

I am going to Disect this for you beleiver.. My beleifs that is.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> You all probably know my story. WH got retirement bonus of $25,000. and promised to give me $2,000. So far he gave me $1,000. Two days ago, I wrote and asked him to put the other $1,000. in my account. He refuses to do it. Today I came home from work and there was this letter and a dozen roses.

My Dear Wife -

Why are you so unhappy? (I am not proud of what I have been doing to you, I am asking for forgiveness and I know whatever relationship that I have right now is not going to last very long.)

You got rid of the biggest problem you had, that was me.
(No, he is still in your life, sending flowers and all the time wanting you to pick up after his ****. he wants to say "I want to leave and OW is asking me to make sure I end it with you, but I don't really want to, but I am saying that YOU want me gone.")


You told me several times you are moving on with your life. You took a nice trip, you've been fixing up the house, you've got a roommate to help with expenses, you got a promotion at work, you started a property management business, and on and on.
( I don't intend to give you any money because I don't have anymore because I've wasted, and if I had I would not give it to you because at the end you will havemore money because I am retired and OW doesn't want me giving you money. You've moved and you were suppose to stay and wait for me and fight for me.. and beg that I would be back, but in condition I can still "DO" the OW.)

We've talked about getting back together, but it was never the right time, and yes Janice was out of the picture. No I haven't been giving Janice any money, she doesn't want any. (Janice said she doesn't want any just to not appear greedy and not show that is all that counts...but I give her money aways because I beleive I love her so much and she deserves all the good things in life.. and well.. you.. YOu're strong.. still young, have astrong back .. you can work some more!)


You want some more money, which I will give you if your really need it. What is it that you really want? ( Of course I won't give you any money, I don't have anymore, too ashame to say I've wasted it. And I have control.....and you do not need to get your nails done because OW is getting her done with OUR money...all the years that you've supported, managed a home, giving me beautiful children.. I know I left you all alone and caused you so much pain, but I am so selfish that I cannot remember all that.

I can't blame you, I am the one that has caused all of this. I am sorry. I am not worth all the pain you have been going through. ( OW is pressuring me to ask you for a divorce, but I don't really want to because you are my security bag. The minute the honeymoon is over, routine going to be setting in... and I will want you back, since well.. you're dating anyone.. my chances are still there."

I do still love you, and God knows what is in our hearts. I wish I knew what was in your mind? Let's resolve this conflict soon - you deserve to be happy and have a good life! God knows you have paid enough dues. It should be number one priority! Until we talk again.

Your husband always, WH </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And the REst is BLAH BLAH BLAH BALH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Please my dearest beleiver.. I love you so much girlfriend, and I know its hard to let go.. its' been over a year.. and look.. he can see you've moved on..now its up to you to make the hardest decision.. START DATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My IC once said, "People do what works for them."

This situation works for him. I can only speculate why -- so here it is. He's living with the woman with whom he is in love, he's having a great time spending money with her, and he can check in with you periodically to make sure you'll still take him back when he gets tired of this woman.

I think this situation has worked for you because he gave you hope that he was still interested every time he showed up.

In reading your story, and seeing your commitment to work through this, I'd sy the best approach would be to move. If he is interested in no contact with OW, he'll move with you or negotiate another place to live. You may be leaving behind adult children. Well, move to a place they'd like to visit!

OW would be leaving behind a 12 year old. I remember your saying the BM doesn't want her back, but she may desire to stay put because of wanting to see the child.

The willingness to forgive can be interpreted as tolerance, and it's not.

PS. I know a woman who went through two years of a similar situation. A young boy -- pre-schooler -- was involved. She moved out of the house and they had joint custody. That did not separate him from OW. She took a job in the same organization at a location four hours away, and she shared custody of the child with her husband. He was in two pre-schools.

That blew up when the father filed for full custody because of "abandonment" and his proof was a record that he had had the boy more days than she. They were able to avoid divorce on the condition that she move home and he not continue the affair. She did that. The OW divorced and then remarried but her H still has contact with OW at work, and my friend's marriage is one of cordially ignoring each other. After such a long A, I think it might be best to get out of there.

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

believer,

I think Miss M is on target with her interpretation and also in regards to what the real problem is.

However, you are in plan B, are you not? So why are you reading his email? (I know, trying to keep your stellar Plan B image!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) Seriously, I wouldn't bother responding, because he's not going to hear anything you have to say anyway.

{{{{{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}}}}

I agree with Miss M. I also agree that your WH is "doing what works for him."

Everyone has their limits of tolerance, my dear. Do you have a date in your head that is too long to wait? Are you going to wait until he finally gets bullied into D by Janice, then wait 2 years after that? As Dr. Harley recommends?

I sense you are at a place right now where you may be asking yourself all these questions. You have waited over 1 year for your WH to come back to himself, to begin living in integrity again. And he hasn't.

Maybe, you need to set him free, totally, to see if he will come back to you.

I also think what Harudah wrote was pretty accurate. I wonder how many of these contacts are initiated by the OW, trying to get your H to free himself for her only.

When you married this man, his beliefs and morals and principles were in line with your own. For a while now, they have not been. Currently, and for the foreseeable future, you two are incompatible. And he doesn't seem interested/capable of making the changes necessary to bring those things back into line with yours.

What to do? He is so fogged-out. I am so sorry, Believer. I want you to have everything you want. And I know God is working in your life. It just may not look like what you want it to.

Lots of love and support and *HUGS* to you!

SS

i don't know what to say, only that i wish you continued strength and prayers. your H is doing what works for him and whatever he says is based on that as well as trying to make himself feel better. hugs and God Bless, RR

PS thanks for finally filling in your signature line <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> You all probably know my story. WH got retirement bonus of $25,000. and promised to give me $2,000. So far he gave me $1,000. Two days ago, I wrote and asked him to put the other $1,000. in my account. He refuses to do it. Today I came home from work and there was this letter and a dozen roses. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH thoughts: "See I really am a good guy. I dropped off roses with the letter. No one can say anything bad about that..."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
My Dear Wife -

Why are you so unhappy? You got rid of the biggest problem you had, that was me. You told me several times you are moving on with your life. You took a nice trip, you've been fixing up the house, you've got a roommate to help with expenses, you got a promotion at work, you started a property management business, and on and on. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH Thoughts: "If I'm gone and she's still unhappy it must mean her unhappiness is caused by something else. She even said she was moving on, and look at all the positive things she's done. Maybe she's just clinically depressed. All chemical, nothing do to with me. Boy, that's a load off my mind. Now I just need to get her to admit it so I can have a clear conscience."

Alternative WH Thoughts: "I knew she would regret me leaving. Look at all the great things she's been doing and she's still unhappy. That's cause I'm so great. Now I just need to get her to admit that having me in her life on a part-time basis is better than no me at all. That'll solve everything."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>

We've talked about getting back together, but it was never the right time, and yes Janice was out of the picture. No I haven't been giving Janice any money, she doesn't want any. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH thoughts: "There's still a 10% chance I might regret my choice and want to come back. Maybe if I remind you that it was just the "wrong time" to get back together before it'll keep you hanging on just that much longer while I make up my mind. I really don't understand this Plan B letter. Janice was out of the picture (at least she wasn't standing in front of me while I was talking to you about reconciling).

And no, I've never handed Janice money. How insulting that would be to her, as if I was paying for services. Now, out of the kindness of my heart I do take her on trips and out to dinner and maybe the occasional bauble, but never anything so "cheap" as cash. How could you think so little of us? I'm really a generous person and OW is so high-class. We'd never "steal" from you. I"m a good person, I'm a good person, I'm a good person...."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>

You want some more money, which I will give you if your really need it. What is it that you really want? I can't blame you, I am the one that has caused all of this. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH Thoughts: "I don't have the money, so I'm going to take a wild-assed chance at making you feel bad enough about wanting it that'll you'll forget it about it. Maybe I can mis-direct by asking you what you "really" want, make it sound as if you want something emotional instead of tangible like money."

Alternate WH Thoughts: "I love that you still need me. Even after all those things you are doing for yourself you still need my money. Now I just need you to admit it out loud. Tell me you need me, it makes me feel loved, respected, and powerful. Plus it lets me know I have a back-up when I get tired of OW."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
I am sorry. I am not worth all the pain you have been going through. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH Thoughts: "Look at me, all sensitive and humble. Everyone loves someone who can admit their faults. Now why doesn't she tell me that I am worth it. That's what I need to hear from her. "

Alternative WH THoughts: "Look, I've admitted it. I'm a dirt-bag. What does it say about you that you haven't divorced me yet? Everyone knows I'm the bad guy, so you can get a divorce and no one will think the worse of you. Please do this one last thing for me. I can't stand to do it myself, because it means I failed. So you be the bigger person and do it."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
I do still love you, and God knows what is in our hearts. I wish I knew what was in your mind? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH Thoughts: "I do still love you. I know you're going to disagree with this statement because of how I'm acting so I'm going to bring God into this. You can't disagree with that, now can you. I really do wish I knew what was in your mind. This way I could manipulate you into doing what I wanted. But since that's not going to happen I have to continue playing these games."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>
Let's resolve this conflict soon - you deserve to be happy and have a good life! God knows you have paid enough dues. It should be number one priority! Until we talk again. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH Thoughts: "By let's, I mean you. After all, I already know what you want me to do to solve it, but that's too much work for me. I think I'll remind you again what a good person you are and how horrible I am. Either you'll put in the divorce papers saving me the time and headache, or you'll correct me and let me come back on my terms. I need you to make this decision for me. Divorce me so I can be a free man, or let me come back and act like a free man. See how compromising I am? I'm even giving you the choice. What a good person I am."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong>

Your husband always, WH </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can't translate this line. It just makes me sick to read it.

April

Ignore WH...

read my latest BS Fog?...

Lets just sit and enjoy the ride on the wagon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

roanward - I think you've got it!! You made me laugh and spew coke all over the computer monitor. HeHe. That was too funny.

zizzy - You are exactly right. His letters make no sense, compared to his actions. It is a waste to read them. Why do I do that????