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I thought I'd share with you an email that I wrote to the creator of the TOW site (she has a place where you can "contact us.") I also am wondering is there any type of internet "watchdog" groups or rules? Can you report sites like this? To whom? Does anyone know of any sort of thing? I'm assuming not considering the amount of pornography, etc. (unfortunately). I also thought though that I'd write to some of the family advocate groups such as Focus on the Family as well as to various churches and other ministries. I have alot of contacts and know of alot of ministries, churches, and groups that are fighting for the family. I am sure that most all of them are unaware of such a thing as this TOW site. I personally believe that the more light shed on it, the better. Light exposes the "darkness," right? Most of the OW feel that the TOW site is a sort of "safe" place where they can hide and vent and discuss their lives of infidelity, and I personally believe that to do nothing and say nothing is to allow them to do so. I want to shine a huge ol' spotlight on it all. Light is good. Hiding under the covers of deceit and lies is not. I, however, am neither BS or WS, so there are no "triggers" for me and I am not affected in that way by this site. I read some more there tonight, and again, am literally appalled. I am a teacher and I have to deal with children whose families are torn apart by adultery and the ensuing divorces that often follow. For their sake alone, it is worth getting involved in this battle, and to me their is a tremendous battle for the family and for what is right and good. Anyways, below is my letter. I did not post on the forums. I have only read them. I fear that joining and posting would only be to expose myself to too much of the vileness and would not be wise. I have no intent on joining and stirring things up over there either, which is why I addressed the creator of the site, not the people who post there. If you know of any family advocacy groups or other such things (watchdog groups, etc), please let me know. I am a single woman with alot of free time and able to do something like this. I simply cannot do nothing with the knowledge I have gained by viewing that site. It's all very burdensome on my heart. My efforts may get nowhere, but I have to at least try. I realize some might think it foolish, and that's okay, but I wanted to share this with hopes that perhaps there will be some who it will encourage. I realize that the OW's are people and I wish them no harm, but I detest the website and the underlying purpose of it-- OW's do not need comfort, sympathy, or encouragement in their affairs and that is what that website provides for them. I pray with all my heart and mind that God intervenes on the behalf of the BS and that He truly makes the OW as "bitter as wormwood" (as the Bible talks about how she will eventually be). I pray that He restores marriages and heals families. I also pray that He convicts those who are involved in affairs and that they would be broken over it and would turn from it to find healing and wholeness. God bless! MY LETTER: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I happened across this website and am absolutely astonished and dumbfounded that you have created such a place as this where a "Other Woman" can come and find comfort and support to carry on with her affair. I am beyond words at the sickness I find in this. Do you not realize that there are families being destroyed because of affairs? Children growing up with dad and his mistress vs. dad and mom. Do you not realize the devestation and affects on society as a result of infidelity? Or even the STD's that a man can give his wife as a result of having sex with another woman? Does this mean nothing to you? I find it hard to believe that it does because you have created a safe haven place for OW's in which they can ask for advice on sex with their MM, can get comfort for the difficulties of their affairs, and can slam the wives of their lovers. Your website is full of crude language, disgusting descriptions of romantic liasons with the other person, and I truly find it to be amazing that someone would create such a site in which an affairee can find support. As politely as possible, all I can say is SHAME ON YOU! I suppose it is probably an impossibility, but I will do all I can and whatever I can to report your post to various persons in order to see that this website is taken off the internet. I will also send this to various family advocate groups so that it can become public knowledge that this site exists. There should be no place as this. These OW need to be ending their affairs and this website does not encourage such a thing. Quite the opposite.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <small>[ June 09, 2004, 04:01 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>
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i'm a regular poster on tow. i'm not an ow, nor am i a bw.
do you know how many ow have been helped out of destructive relationships, thanks to the support of those who've been there before? do you know how many bw's have been helped with dealing with their hate and anger, by the people wearing the label that they despised? do you know how many potential cheaters and/or op have been steered away from becoming involved in an affair, by people who although are involved in one would scream at others to run?
you read the worst posts, it makes it easier to demonize the whole site. i get that. right now, there's a thread on the same subject on tow. someone came here read a post that offended their sense of what's right, and decided that it must represent the entire site. like i told them on that thread, i see it on BOTH sites, things that go against everything i believe to be good and right. if you want to find the horrible things ow can do, you'll find it, especially if that's all you look for. if i were an ow, and wanted to justify my stereotype of the wife as a bitter, mean hag, i could pick a few posters from here and do the same thing. doesn't make it right, but it does make it easier for those looking for reasons to hate.
if all you want to see is the bad, then i can promise you, that's all you will see. you'll never see people helped to move on from relationships that hurt them, you'll never see the people helped to understand that having an affair hurts the person having them, you'll never see the betrayed who come to a better acceptance of just who is to blame.
and once again, you're blaming the wrong party. which is sad. it's the person in the middle who holds the most blame, but you choose to go after the easy target. there's quite a few websites dedicated to the adulterer looking for a side piece, whole sites geared towards finding a married person an affair to indulge in. i find it interesting that you choose to spend your time going after the site that tries to support and even if you don't want to see it, discourage others from beginning affairs, yet the site that is made for the purpose of promoting adultery goes unmentioned...
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OK - I just have to ask... Are you allright? I don't mean that in a nasty way, but seriously. You admitedly have a lot of free time on your hands. Wouldn't that be better spent doing something worthwhile like being a Big Sister? Or a mentor for a child? Maybe cleaning a neighborhood park so kids have someowhere to play outside? Maybe searching down sites that teach you how to make a bomb and stopping them? Adultery is as old as the bible, and one letter from you is going to do nothing to change that, or the fact that there is a support site. As an xOW, I have found TOW to be an invaluable source of support for me in my healing and recovery from the affair I was involved in, and I know many others have also. There are far worse evils in the world that your time would be better spent trying to get rid of, that maybe you can make a difference with, because you will not be successful in your efforts against the website. And for the record? I'm not as "bitter as wormwood". I have a great life - far far away from xMM.
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LME, I understand how much easier it is to lay the blame for the destruction of families on OWs. And while no participant is blameless in affairs (nor does anyone leave unscathed)....I just can't escape the reality that an affair would be impossible if the WSs were really committed to their marriages. The lion's share of the blame goes to the WS...the ones who made a vow to remain faithful and failed to do so. Before you decide what TOW is all about, please visit the "endings" board and you will realize that there are many OWs who are trying to end affairs and getting support to do so. kriste is right....if you wish to find ugliness on either mb or TOW you can find it...easily. However, if you wish for a crusade, I have a better target for you: http://www.philanderers.com/page_1.htm
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lovemyex... this site was created by a man who in practice of marriage counseling came accross marriage after marriage plagued by infidelity.... MOST couples that came to him...wanted to stay together... MOST people that come HERE are dealing with a spouse that has not 10000% made their decision to stay or go.... we know this to be true...because those that are gone....be it the betrayed spouse bailing or the wayward spouse bailing....dont' come "here' regardless of TOW's blanket statement that posters here "force and control" people to stay together...wize individuals know that you can't can't control or force anyone to do anything... WE are all guests here at marriage builders... WE are guests on these forums and the focus should be assist all parties that are struggling and in pain.... alienating part of the triangle serves no one and perhaps in the end causes more harm... for even though difficult to see all people in this type of triangle hurt...(except sociopaths...they don't hurt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and statistically there are few sociopaths...) I don't think that as a guest here on this forum we should use it as our personal agenda against other forums... This site in reality focuses very little of the OP....the issue is dealing with the wayward spouse and how to handle oneself when interacting... In reality it is not always the OP that poses the biggest threat...but sometimes our own interactions and reactions.....as ironic as that may sound.... This site in my opinion should not be used for personal agendas to rid the world of websites that you don't like... cause we can all agree in the ilk of websites...there is a lot more offensive things on the superinfohighway.... ARK... <small>[ June 09, 2004, 08:04 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>
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I have to say, I've read TOW a lot, and I'm rarely offended by it. When I first went there, when H was having an A, it bothered me. But after a while, I understood things more. If there weren't WSes, there would be no OWs. Like the chicken before the egg thing. And have you read the Endings board and seen the support that FOWs get while ending their As? Have you ever seen someone post that they are considering getting involved with a MP? Everyone's advice to them is warnings not to do it. Do you really find that offensive?
IMO, if you really feel the need to start a crusade to make the net safer, there are plenty of more worthy places to begin. How about the kiddie porn chatrooms on yahoo? Or the pro-anorexia and bulimia sites, where the disease is seen as a chosen way of life, and the advice given is not to seek help, but how to be better at not eating, or how to make oneself vomit more efficiently? The list goes on and on.
I don't mean to be harsh, but it's a message board. There are things there that I don't agree with; there have been things that went on here that I don't agree with too. C'est la vie.
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I have been here for 3 years now.
I've posted on TOW (although I'm a BS) for about 2 years. I post with the same name as I post here.
IMHO there are so many other important things to worry about than the TOW site. It's kind of like not wanting your kids to watch a certain channel on the television. If you don't like that channel...then pass by it.
EVERYONE feels the need to have a place where they "fit in" or feel accepted. The OW isn't the exception to that. They bleed the same color as the BS. They have feelings too....believe it or not. Some are a little more harsh than other.....but the majority of them are well meaning and give sound advice to others.
If I were to write a letter to every creator of every site that I did not agree with or didn't want to see on the internet......I would NEVER get anything else done. I just simply close the window and move on if I don't wish to see it. It's that simple.
I know that your intentions are good....but they probably will not get you anywhere. Why not focus on something more constructive.....like helping those here that need it.
Getting rid of the TOW site (which most likely won't happen) will not make infidelity go away.
Edited to add.....you obviously haven't seen the ScarletA site. IMHO.....it's the site that should be gotten rid of.
I see all of this as a bit High Schoolish. Back and forth bantering about how bad the OW is and how bad the BS is....when we are all human. I don't condone the OW bragging about being an OW....but just because I don't like it doesn't mean that I should try to get rid of it.
I'm not the one that should be judging people.
K....I'm stepping off my "soap box" now.
<small>[ June 09, 2004, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</small>
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Good luck. They aren't doing anything illegal. If anything the site will go down due to insufficient funds. They ask their members for donations from time to time.
I'm not saying I support it, just you will be better served using your time for better causes.
(Note, you notice how the first two responses you got were from avid posters over there. They have been and are currently monitoring this board and taking back anything they don't like to complain about.)
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I say good luck to...its there site and if your not doing someones husband of wife there they will delete anything that they dont like..they also never fail to mention that its a ow/om safe place no ones opinion counts unless your one of them or agree with them...they also are quite vendictive about things they would like to do to the betrayed spouse http://gloryb.com/forum/cgi/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=2&t=005593&p=
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> findingmywayback
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(Note, you notice how the first two responses you got were from avid posters over there. They have been and are currently monitoring this board and taking back anything they don't like to complain about.) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Isn't the same thing going on here?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(Note, you notice how the first two responses you got were from avid posters over there. They have been and are currently monitoring this board and taking back anything they don't like to complain about.) [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beg to differ here. Yes, I read at MB, I've never hidden that fact. And avid poster? It says in my sig line that I'm a moderator there - on one board. But do I take back things and complain about them? No. neither does Kriste. We're just observers. And occasionally may pop in just to say hi, or to offer some advice (yes, believe it, advice from an xOW), or on this occasion to try and dispel some falsehoods or myths about the nature of "our" board.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Brazen
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posted June 09, 2004 10:40 AM
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I say good luck to...its there site and if your not doing someones husband of wife there they will delete anything that they dont like..they also never fail to mention that its a ow/om safe place no ones opinion counts unless your one of them or agree with them...they also are quite vendictive about things they would like to do to the betrayed spouse </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You may want to go back and look at the link that you posted as I saw nothing in it that you stated. Yes...a little BS bashing here and there.....but OW bashing happens here too.
If you look real close....and read ALL of the posts....you will see that amidst all the poking fun at DDay reactions....there is also discussion on how everyone is hurt in it all and how nobody come out a "winner".
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LME, While I appreciate your desire to turn the light on a room filled with cockroaches, this particular mutation of the species thrives on publicity. It might even help send more funding their way if they got the kind of publicity you're talking about giving them.
As in show biz and other sleeze industries where movie stars get caught shop lifting and their popparazzi quotient goes up, so do their contracts and bookings for appearances that put money in their pockets!
The only bad publicity is no publicity!
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Cross posting between the boards is not helping ANY of us and has the potential to incite a board war.
Let's get back to Marriage Building.......
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Ah, Justuss got here first.
LME, perhaps you should create your own website for your purposes.
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oh My, lol. I can only hope Duo got the laugh out of reading that letter that I did.
TOW is no more a REASON that infidelity happens, than MB is a reason that marriage happens. They both serve a useful purpose, to the BS or OP.
Seems the WS's really don't post anywhere much, no wonder, their plate is full.
I think your cause would be MUCH better served by trying to change the entertainment industry. The stuff served up by the movie industry, television, the music industry...
The stuff our kids are being exposed to now EVERYWHERE... the next generation will hit critical mass.
I happen to be a fan of FOTF, Dr. James Dobson, Dr. Laura, and somewhat of THIS site. btw, believe it or not.
I just also believe that not ALL marriages should be saved, nor all relationships... and just because "affairs are INHERENTLY wrong" doesnt mean that particular couple can't be "right" for each other.
I could go on, but i have a feeling this thread may be locked before i hit ADD REPLY.
hugs, c
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Furthermore, I think TOW actually BENEFITS the BS everywhere, because for the reletively NEW OP, they get exposure the the reality, that maybe "theirs" isn't "special", that chances are, most likely HE/SHE will never leave, the problems with blended families, ad infinitum. I have referred MANY to this... http://gloryb.com/fun/dict.html
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clarkie, Arch and I are trying desperately to NOT have to lock it!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> To all,,,kings X between the forums, please,,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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To all,,,kings X between the forums, please,,,
Huh?
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