My H goes to an anger management group weekly. He broke my ulna in 7 pieces and I needed 3 surgeries. Fight was about my threatening to call this woman from work whom he said might call him and it would be rude of him to hang up -- and yes he was having an affair with her that got exposed four months later when I called OWH and he got the truth out of OW. Fight occurred week before Christmas, 12 days after major pelvic floor surgery, about 25% of which was a hysterectomy. I abruptly weaned our 10 month old for surgery and had a catheter bag by my side when he broke my arm. I had three surgeries for the arm and was in a cast or splint up past my elbow until past Easter. I did not call the police and hid the injury from family and said it was an accident due to imbalance after pelvic floor surgery to friends.

And yet -- he is truly remorseful about the DV and is committed to not being violent again.

I think the book "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" helped me to understand why he was violent.

Cherished

Hi Aspen.

I dont know why I stayed..so many have and they are far more numerous than those that leave.

During my formative years, I was taught that no one got divorced, no one in my family had ever been divorced, and no one in my X's family had either. That ideaology almsot cost me my life.

Add to that strong antidivorce background the fact that my father was a minister. I felt it would reflect badly on him

I couldnt believe that I had made such a horrible mistake.

Most of his abuses were result of drinking or drugs. I thought all would be well and he would grow up, I didnt know at the time that he had been drinking since his mom got him drunk at age 5. His drug of choice became painkillers. All his promises to end his addictions followed with a short while of the ideal husband, but he always returned to the addictions, and the episodes became much more violent.

His OW was just another addiction. Our marriage ended with a rape (he was drunk) and an episode where he was choking me (bruises on my neck) and hitting me on my back. I called 911, but my son was on computer and no one heard my screams for help.

Physically and mentally I am alot better. Financially, the jury is still out

Honestly, I thought I was the problem. I took the blame for the broken arm due to mood swings that we had been warned could occur for a few weeks after the hysterectomy. When I visited with the anger management therapist the next month, I told him I didn’t think that Tom belonged in the group because, after all, I was threatening to call this woman, I was very upset, and Tom did plead with me not to call her. I remember very vividly the look of incredulity that the anger management therapist gave me when he said, “If he broke your arm, he belongs in this group.”

Two 1/2 years later, he goes to anger management weekly. He takes full responsibility for the abuse. He has a fear of going to jail if he does anything.

I was a fool. A total, complete fool to believe that anything I did could have resulted in his hurting me. That's why I took the blame. It had nothing to do with commitment to M or having children by him.

Can you tell me a little about what happened with you?

We married young. We partied in college..but everyone did. I grew up and he didnt. Then I realized that X's college partying was just an extension of serious problems that had developed quite early.

His mom is very dysfunctional, and possible schizophrenic. Everyone in the family has been accused of stealing things from her home at 1 time or another. My X was youngest child with his older bro and sis 13-15 years older than him. So when he was quite young, they went off their seperate adult ways and left X with his very dysfunctional mother. I mean literally crazy. X is inside very angry at his bro and sis for abandoning him (more his bro than sis)

Most of his abuse was verbal and emotional at first. He didnt know how to have a normal (sharing) relationship. He was left on his own so much that he wanted that relationship, but couldnt achieve it. everything to him was always "mine" as opposed to "our" bedroom, dog, car, etc.. It used to hurt me when he would for instance say "put it in my bedroom" like I was not a resident of that same bedroom.

He was very angry inside. If I reached out to him in the middle of the night, he would twist my hand away..afraid of being touched, and always on edge. Our apartment walls and doors had holes from his violence, which was not yet directed on me. I began to be afraid to have people over as I would have to explain things to them..

1st step to abuse..control and isolate. I was isolated from my family, but we continued to go visit his dysfunctional family.

he acquired STD from a prositute just 6 weeks or so after we were married.

was arrested within 1 year DUI with large quantities of drugs that he stole from a drug store that he was supposed to be cleaning. I had to quit college to help pay legal defense

2nd step....control by economics..I never finished college and was never able to get a well paying job due to the erratic life we lived.

more DUI's and driving on revoked list, etc...and in between times passing as a great person. NO ONE knew the anger and hell that had started to consume my life and health.

He lost brand new mustang cobra due to the first arrest (impounded) and for 20 years I found out his parents believed that I lost the car because I mismanaged his money. I still dont believe his mom believes me the truth of what happened.

when I was preg with 1st child was first time he physically abused me. I did call my parents and they took me to their house for the day. My parents called his parents and

they said to mind their own business

we should work out our own problems

and...if X hit me then I deserved it.

I was 7 months preg with a black eye and split lip, and severely damaged new bedroom furniture.

he threw me out of a car on the highway in the pouring rain in front of a hospitol when I wanted to get my wrist (that he twisted) looked at and went to a party.

He broke my ring finger and I had to go to hosp to have ring cut off in middle of night because it swelled so bad.

He threw an ax at me, I ducked and it hit side of house and gouge is still there. right by my back door for me to see every time I enter door.

He thre 6ft fence post covered in cement at me, post missed but I was sprayed with wet cement.

he pulled me out of bed at 2 am (I had to be at work at 5am) to watch him sharpen knives in front of me, he wouldnt let me go back to bed, kept testing the knives in front of me to show how sharp they were.

pulled clock radio out of wall and slammed it down on my chest..in the dark..while I was laying in bed.

at same time he smashed christmas tree in our bedroom all over me in the bed..glass flying all over.

Hit, threw me down, kicked me and choked me many, many times. Last time he did that was the 911 call that didnt go thru.

the worst was the verbal and emotional abuse though, even the rape wasnt as bad as all the years of his belittling and sarcasm. Many horrible names, often in front of my children. And many threats to my physical welfare, even to the point of telling me it would be easy to get rid of me.

Gaslighting...

after he started affair, he would torture me with that. Would put CD, or MTV on and watch videos of the songs that OW associated with their affair. If they came on the radio, he wouldnt turn the station, he would turn radio up and laugh when I became upset.

He would go around whistling "my wild irish rose" (OW is irish)

My deposition to the court on the abuse was 12 pages long. I could go on and on. When It finally ended, i started therapy for myself. I beat myself up so bad for staying in that sitch for sooooo long. I am still beating myself up.

I suffer from PTSD, and this week was especially bad. I broke into tears for no reason at work on Friday. But for the most part I am doing excellent.

I am the one who has been there unfailingly for my children. I am back in college full time and working full time with a 4.0 GPA. I will be entering a medical program. Probably DMS, but my second choice is nuclear medicine. In 3 years I hope to have my income doubled, and I will not worry so much about X drinking himself into jail (if he is in jail, he cant pay alimony)

Life is so much better....but ask why I stayed???? I guess you could consult any textbook on abuse and you would see my picture

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 10:47 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

Aspen Tree --
My broken arm was not the scary injury. It was the injuries that didn't require medical care that could have killed me -- the chokings and the cracked skull -- that were really scary. It sounds to me like you've experienced several of those.

I live in the Twin Cities and so I listen to Joyce's radio show. Here is something Dr. Harley said to a woman about abuse: One of the things you have to understand about domestic violence is that they’re always coming up with an excuse…The real problem is…he is not willing to control his own behavior. And it’s something he can do…He can do it. But if he starts saying, “Well, reason I’m this way is because of this or that or it’s because of what you’ve done or these…You see, as soon as you hear these arguments, from a therapist’s standpoint, you just sit there and say, “Well, you know, he’s probably going to go through another experience of this again before I have a chance to reach him.” What I’ve got to get him to say is, “It’s all my fault. It’s not the fault of my background. It’s not the fault of my genetics. It’s not the fault of my wife. It’s my fault. The person in me that is in control of everything I do. I make the choice to be violent, and that’s why I do it.”

My husband has gotten to that point but he does still have blow-ups. He got into a very good anger management group which works on the fact that a person who gets angry has the problem, not anyone else. He brought home a book on anger that looks really good: Angry all the Time by Ron Potter-Efron. I thought Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders also explained that the abusive person doesn't look for win-win solution but instead only thinks win-lose solutions are out there so he gets angry at his spouse.

I might suggest you call into Harley's radio show to see what he has to say. Personally, I always listen carefully to those calls because, while affairs are common, broken arms are not -- just like being choked until you pass out is not.
Cherished

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>