WS birthday is Friday. I had big plans for the whole day before she dumped the bomb about our marriage being over and the revelation of an OP a few weeks ago.

She wants nothing to do with me right now... what about her birthday? What should I do now.

i haven't yet come across this yet. my H's bday is in july. but our anniversary is next week. i think the common theme here when it comes to those things is not to go overboard. because it will be perceived to be too showy and maybe manipulative. so don't send her anything at work only to your home or to where she is living (this is what SH recommended to me). just a simple card (bought or made) to say you love her, remember bdays of the past, etc. not sure what else you could do or what would be appropriate given the gravity of the situation.

there is a "search" mechanism on the forums and if you did a search for "birthdays" you would probably come up w/a lot of hits. so check that out. something else that SH recommended to me was not to use pictures, times, or other things that would make the WS refer/think about the bad times. for instance, i thought of sending my H a picture of us recently and SH said that if the picture was taken at a time that my H associated w/pain/unhappiness etc. then it was not a good idea. does that make sense? good luck and let us know what you decide. prayers to you.

I can do the card thing, but.... ?

FM, would take RR's advice. Be prepared for criticism no matter what. I'm not trying to be negative but no matter what you do it won't be enough. This isn't the year to go overboard but I remain optimistic that there will next year. Maybe a gift certificate to a spa in your area. Manicure, pedicure, hair etc., show or concert tickets. If it's a date in the future of course she'll say she'll be in Vegas by then but it may make her think a bit. This will send a message that you are not thinking about her moving away. You've got to be able to let a lot of what she says roll off your back. Hang in there.

WOE, Today has been absolutely terrible. WW has been in the bedroom all day. With her cell phone and laptop. She doesn't come out at all. Never cooked dinner for the kids, (but that is not really new) or talked to anybody. (in the family) I really fear she is counting the money from the settlement and seeing what she can buy in Vegas.

I am totally unable to do anything. Paralyzed. She is soooo cold. Sooo Cruel. Hard to believe when you say she is in a Fog...

Feel like driving my car off a bridge.

My WH's b-day was a month after d-day. At the time we were working on our marriage, even though I believe the OW was still in the picture. We went away for the night and we had a blast. He even order breakfast in bed. That is the last good memory I have of us, it went down hill after that.

A week later, the OW was feeling threatened that we were getting closer, so her claws came out.

She use the guilt trip on him, making him feel responsible for the breakdown of her marriage. Give me a break. Anyway, a month after his b-day, he moved out and moved in with the OW.

Even though I don't know where he lives, he told me I can send cards to him via his post office box. I did send him an Easter Card.

My friend was telling me why the WS is so cold to us, it is that we remind them of their wrong doings. Thats how I knew the OW was back in the picture, cause everytime he saw her, he was so mean and cold to me. Which is nothing like him.

Our anniversary will coming up next month, I don't know how to handle this or how he is going to handle my b-day which is three months away.

I don't see anything wrong in sending a card, I choose one that wasn't mushy, one that had a little humor in it.

Yes I see this pattern too. After she talks to him she is as cold and cruel as can be. SOmetimes I think I'll come home and she'll be like she used to be a month ago. We'll hug, play slap [censored], and talk about nothing.

But is always a scowl and silence. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Guess I'll just give her a card and some flowers.

Family Man, I know you are in great pain but she is like a wolf and can smell your fear lol. Try to work on you and show her the new person you are. Plan A to the max. What are the things she says drive her crazy fix them. Have you read SAA.
Enjoy the time with your kids, its one thing I regret is that during that time the focus was all on me and H and I just muddled through with the kids. Remember it affects them also.

Don't worry so much about her Bday but about the whole picture. No matter what you do about her bday won't be right. Although perhaps if you include the kids as a whole package of the present i.e. you all go out and do something together or the kids and you made the cake and dinner etc. etc. Just be aware that she may blow you off and go with om, cuz shes in deep fog like any ws at that stage.

KM thanks, that's a great idea. We'll make a cake and dinner for her, as a family. She won't run off, because OM is in Las Vegas. She's planning a trip there in late June/early July.

Birthdays.....

I remember the generic card I received on my birthday from my WW at the time. I din't know she had a BF at the time but it was a card you would give your neighbor as a gesture card. Christmas followed then her birthday came and I went all out for her. It was not until later that I found out she had a BF. After DD, I threw away years of saved and cherished birthday and other card I ever received from her. During her A and after DD, her Fog state continued. I had it completely with her and I dumped them all out.

She absolutely had every intention of leaving me for her 28 year old BF. I am 52 and she is 46. I felt it was over and it made me sick to think of the meaningless words in any of the cards.

<small>[ June 09, 2004, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

June is going to be a bad month for me. WH's birthday is this month, our 3rd anniversary, and since I am pregnant with our first child Father's Day won't be a picnic either.

My WH gave me a generic card for Valentine's Day. In his gym bag, I found a Valentine Card unsigned for His Sweetheart, with all the mushy words you can possibly say to someone. My WH said I was lucky to receive a card, since I wasn't his Valentine. Ouch!

I went with a humor card, that was still personal. That would remind him of a wonderful memory. It seem if I said anything mushy or just "I Love You" he just thought I was trapping him. Saying I'm too clingy or even went as far as I'm brainwashing him.

They are not the same person we married, and alien force has taken them over. I still believe he is in there somewhere. I'm just waiting for something to bring him to his knees and seek God again. I know my WH he is wonderful person, if he wasn't I wouldn't be trying to save my marriage. It is just the OW is now in control of him right now, but sooner or later her true colors will show.

Kloe, Damnit- I forgot about Fathers Day, that'll be fun <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . Since this happened to me a see a whole new world out there. Just sitting in traffic I wonder how many people are in this deep pain we are in. There must be many. It's hard to even think about.

Hopeless, That is a real ouch. Why can't they be content to just break our hearts, why go out of their way to be cruel...

Well, Today is WW birthday. I got her a nice, not mushy card, and a big bouquet of flowers. Made a two-layer cake with the kids. The family is going out to dinner tonight at her favorite restuarant. Just so happens it is the same place I proposed to her 15 years ago. <heart ache>

She celebrated by getting up this morning and going to see a divorce attny.

Getting ready to leave for family dinner for Birthday. Asked WS for some input on issue of my son (12) dress. I told her I felt we needed to reinforce the practice of not being so casual when we go out for special occassions or to fancy restuarants. I spoke nicely and in a caring manner about raising our son properly.

She said she doesn't care, she just doesn't care how he dresses. This was about raising my son to have some self respect about his appearance.

Because of the stress in the household the kids are getting lost in the mess, not getting the attention they need or deserve.

Back from dinner.

On the way there, WW began conversation with ME, caught me flat footed, but I responded and encouraged the exchange. We chatted just like the old days. (LOL a month ago? the old days?)

Then just like a cold draft she went cold and icy again. Almost like she realized we were actually enjoying each others company and conversation and she didn't want to enjoy it and had to stop it. That's the way it went during the night, she would occassionally, dare I say, backslide into the wife I had in April. Then go cold again. Silent treatment and barely audible yes and no answers. She didn't even look at the cake the kids made for her birthday, until my DD shamed her into it.

After we got home dinner she immediately changed and said she had to go to the store. Meaning she had to make a phone call. She came back a little later and immediately went onto the back porch and started calling again. I think maybe OM was out or on phone, because she was very edgy. Like she wanted to talk to him real bad.

Its her birthday, I feel like she is abandoning the whole family.

{{{{{Family Man}}}}}

I haven't posted to you before but you may or may not know, I'm an FWW. I can't believe what your wife is doing. I just want to reach through the computer and shake her.

She is a PERFECT candidate for a Plan B. Star*fish is talking wonderful sense (as usual). Things are so bad for you at the moment, taking control of this can only help you. It puts YOU in the position of power and that's what you need right now.

Jenny