I am in desperate need of some assistance. I have been married for 5 years and I we have 2 little girls. My husband and I are a very outgoing, playful couple and we are usually open minded. I have 1 problem though. He doesnt' know how to compromise. Why doesn't he understand that he is pushing me away by doing this? Please help and tell me what I should do about it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mzmiller:
<strong> I am in desperate need of some assistance. I have been married for 5 years and I we have 2 little girls. My husband and I are a very outgoing, playful couple and we are usually open minded. I have 1 problem though. He doesnt' know how to compromise. Why doesn't he understand that he is pushing me away by doing this? Please help and tell me what I should do about it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB. There could be several reasons why your husband isn't responding in a manner you recognize as compromising. Could you give us examples? Many times these issues are simple misunderstanding resulting from communication problems. But there are instances of one spouse having issues with Control.

Have you read about the MB (marriage builder) concepts? Do you understand the EN's (emotional needs)? Have you read HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs)? Have you filled out an EN questionnaire? Would your husband be willing to fill one out?

You could also read up on POJAs (Policy of Joint Agreement) on the website. It's a tool used to help couples come to a compromise that make both spouses happy.

April

Hi MzMiller,

RoanWard's suggestion of reading about the Policy of Joint Agreement is a good one.

I'd also suggest you and your H read up on Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation.

Again, echoing RoanWard, if you could give some examples it would help generate ideas and discussion.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RoanWard:
Welcome to MB. There could be several reasons why your husband isn't responding in a manner you recognize as compromising. Could you give us examples? Many times these issues are simple misunderstanding resulting from communication problems. But there are instances of one spouse having issues with Control.

Have you read about the MB (marriage builder) concepts? Do you understand the EN's (emotional needs)? Have you read HNHN (His Needs, Her Needs)? Have you filled out an EN questionnaire? Would your husband be willing to fill one out?

You could also read up on POJAs (Policy of Joint Agreement) on the website. It's a tool used to help couples come to a compromise that make both spouses happy.

April [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh I am sorry. I did forget to do that didn't I. Well, here goes. we live in his home town, which we both adore. I dove in head first and made friends with people here but he is inwilling to do the same in my home town. We don't visit very often, but I am tired of my friends back home feeling sorry for me because he will tell me that is his coming so I tell them he is, then he will call and give an excuse as to why he isn't coming. You see? It is selfish, which he is in alot of situations, but I just figured that is the way men are.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am tired of my friends back home feeling sorry for me because he will tell me that is his coming so I tell them he is, then he will call and give an excuse as to why he isn't coming.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see you being frustrated, for sure, but I don't see a failure to compromise. Neither do I see a clear reason as to *why* you are frustrated. Perhaps your H doesn't clearly understand why you're frustrated either, and this inhibits his ability to compromise and alleviate your frustrations.


Does it bother you that your friends back home feel sorry for you? If so, why?

Does it bother you that your H says he'll go and then changes his mind? If so, perhaps you could say "H, when I tell friends back home you'll be there, and then you aren't, I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I've been forced into a position of lying or misleading my friends. Can you help me think of a way this could be avoided?" and then just wait for an answer. Maybe he feels like he's letting you down by saying no when you first ask. Maybe he isn't too good at predicting his schedule. Whatever it is, maybe you two could look at it togther and come up with something that doesn't put you in the position of having to change your story for your friends back home.

Does your H just not want to go in the first place? Does that bother you? If so, why?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by turtlehead:
<strong> I see you being frustrated, for sure, but I don't see a failure to compromise. Neither do I see a clear reason as to *why* you are frustrated. Perhaps your H doesn't clearly understand why you're frustrated either, and this inhibits his ability to compromise and alleviate your frustrations.


Does it bother you that your friends back home feel sorry for you? If so, why?

Does it bother you that your H says he'll go and then changes his mind? If so, perhaps you could say "H, when I tell friends back home you'll be there, and then you aren't, I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I've been forced into a position of lying or misleading my friends. Can you help me think of a way this could be avoided?" and then just wait for an answer. Maybe he feels like he's letting you down by saying no when you first ask. Maybe he isn't too good at predicting his schedule. Whatever it is, maybe you two could look at it togther and come up with something that doesn't put you in the position of having to change your story for your friends back home.

Does your H just not want to go in the first place? Does that bother you? If so, why? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by turtlehead:
<strong> I see you being frustrated, for sure, but I don't see a failure to compromise. Neither do I see a clear reason as to *why* you are frustrated. Perhaps your H doesn't clearly understand why you're frustrated either, and this inhibits his ability to compromise and alleviate your frustrations.


Does it bother you that your friends back home feel sorry for you? If so, why?

Does it bother you that your H says he'll go and then changes his mind? If so, perhaps you could say "H, when I tell friends back home you'll be there, and then you aren't, I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I've been forced into a position of lying or misleading my friends. Can you help me think of a way this could be avoided?" and then just wait for an answer. Maybe he feels like he's letting you down by saying no when you first ask. Maybe he isn't too good at predicting his schedule. Whatever it is, maybe you two could look at it togther and come up with something that doesn't put you in the position of having to change your story for your friends back home.

Does your H just not want to go in the first place? Does that bother you? If so, why? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi there and thanks to all that have posted advice.
Turtle: It doesn't bother me so much as it makes me feel like I am not important to him and naturally, being that I am human, I don't want pitty from any one. My hometown, I must admit is very judgemental, not at all like the town we live in. I guess some of this comes from me being brought up there. I just don't like to listen to my brothers and other family memebers say that my hubby is sorry for doing me the way he does. It is rare that he goes even to visit my family, but he stays at home and hangs out with his SINGLE friends all weekend. I must also admit that in the past year he has gotten alot better about this.
The other reason any of this bothers me is because he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions. He is a well known businessman in our area and a rumor got started that he had an affair with a teenager that is like our little sis. I know it wasn't true, but it bothers me that other poeple might believe that it is.

Am I just being stupid about all this? A part of me feels like I should just live my life and not worry about what others think.