I am curious...what is "retrouvaille"...CV55 mentioned it in another thread as a technique for expressing feelings through writing. Where can I find out more information about it? I am a "would-be" writer and never came across that term in all my readings about writing techniques, including journaling. Info please!
Thanks!

onlywords -

Here is the link to their website:

Retrouvaille

Retrovaille is a program that is offered non-denominationally but through the Catholic church. It is a "last ditch" effort to save a marriage. It is a weekend program that is very affordable -- a $75 deposit and then any kind of offering to defray costs of weekend is appreciated. My husband and I are going this weekend (6/11-6/13) in Lansing, MI. This program is NOT for 'good' or strong marriages ... it is for marriages in crisis. There is information on their website www.retrovaille.org

I am the WS .... have been gone from 'home' and had filed for divorce for one year (June 2003), have been living in another state 6 months. Trying to rebuild marriage long-distance (only 6 hours away, so we see each other on weekends). Husband recognizes and accepts his part in marriage failure and we have discussed how I got to be 'wayward' and his role in it. I recognize my failures too. We are working on our marriage but there has been so much damage from both sides .... he deeply broke my trust and hurt me with his in-actions and actions and words and I broke his first with EA then with PA. I don't know if we'll survive because I am so numb in regard to feelings for husband. God willing, this weekend will be a new beginning for us. If not, it may be the end. But at least we'll know. I have read that after this weekend, we'll know if we want to continue to rebuild, are able to rebuild, or if it is best to remain separated.

Pray for us. I have been surfing this website a lot in past few weeks. Wish there was more advise for the wayward spouse and how to get back to the feelings we once had for our spouse. What the betrayed spouse doesn't realize sometimes is that the EA and PA are only SYMPTOMS of the problem .... people who are in good, strong marriages do not have affairs. There have to be reasons. I am not trying to place blame on anyone else for my own actions ... I know they were wrong. I just want the BS to recognize they may have played a role in the spouse wandering too. Not always .... just something to think about and search your heart and soul about.

Anyway, go to www.retrovaille.org and see what they offer. I am very much looking forward to this weekend. I will post a new thread on Monday or Sunday night to let you all know how the weekend was if you are interested.

God bless.

Please let us know as I want to go, but would like some knowledge first on it.

HINY

Thank you for your quick responses! I'll check it out.

To Angelfish1959,
I just started posting to this site yesterday...I was frustrated because it seemed that my husband wasn't seeing the pain I was going through. I also want our marriage to work but am kind of feeling like I'm in "limbo" as far as feelings go. i think what happens, maybe, is that we shut ourselves off from our spouse to protect ourselves from hurt. I'm not saying they ever intentionally hurt us, but it does happen and it doesn't feel good. So, we shut down and get really good at pushing the feelings away, so good that we have trouble finding where we put them. I don't have any answers as to how I might get them back. I'm just kind of going on faith right now. Yes, please post when you get back from the weekend...just know someone here knows what you're talking about and cares a lot!

Onlywords

P.S. You can read my story in the thread : "Withdrawal times? "

My husband and I went to Retrouvaille in april of 2002. It is an excellent program.

Lynn, I am a WW too. I understand what you are saying. I find it hard to explain how vunderable I was without it turning out like i am saying it was H fault. It was NOT his fault. The choices I made, I made. But it is still true to say I was extremely vunderable (as was he) due to the state of our marriage. I will pray for you and all couples attending this weekend.

Our weekend taught us a lot but we did not leave with a huge amount of optimism. There were many couples there that did have a huge amount of optimism though. I was still tangled up in the mess of the A. H did not know about it then. I did not fully stop affair until 11/03 and i did not confess until 3/04.

If you are looking to re-connect emotionally, and you are both truely open to that happening, I think the weekend experience can be just what you need. I recommmend going to all the post-sessions too.

onlywords and hiny, look up info on your area. It is definitely worth going to.

FL

Thanks. I checked it out. We can't go until Sept in our area. That ought to be just about right actually. I think I will talk to him about it later on in the summer when he is feeling better.

HINY

Retro. is not a replacement for MC. I agree with FL that you MUST do the follow-up sessions. Don't look for some magic on the weekend that will tell you if you should stay "M"ed or not. It is a process. You will learn techniques to help you safely express your feelings, and get a 1st hand glimpse of couples who have been through hell and have come back to a good M. If you're not Christian, or just don't like God talk, know it is a part of Retro. They aren't preaching, it's not a spiritual retreat, but the belief is that God is a part of your M. However, all people, regardless of beliefs, are welcome.

angelfish1959, with all due respect, I need to comment on what you wrote "people who are in good, strong marriages do not have affairs." The one thing I've learned through my own personal hell as the BS is that that is a complete myth. Read the book "Not Just Friends" if you haven't and she speaks to that. If you want, read what I wrote on shattered dreams' recent thread in recovery to the events going on in our lives preceding my H's A. Sometimes life events, an S who because of these events CAN'T be wholly their for his/her S, an S who has unresolved childhood issues, and a predatory OP can spin a couples' world out of control.

onlywords, your thoughts on feelings are very perceptive. You closed your heart to your H and let the OM fill it. My H has asked me over his withdrawal period why he can't let me in? Well, he can't because he totally replaced me. And he did! The extent she replaced me was she almost became me. Too long of a story to repeat here. In the book "NJF" the author says in As doors start being put up with the S, and windows appear with the OP. It should be the opposite. When you begin to have more time go by in the NC state, and if you begin to let your H into your heart, the feelings will come back.

During those times, which have been often since d-day and withdrawal, when I've REALLY wanted to dump H, I have had the following thoughts. If I dump him, maybe I can find myself some MB men. There have to me some where I live. Those men whose WSs never came around so they got "D"ed. The love, courage, and stamina I have seen from the men on this site, such as Recovering H, who will do anything to repair the M in spite of a pain that can't be described, is awesome. If H and I split I personally want one of those men.

In your case onlywords, you know in your gut your OM was a predator. My H, who had a much more involved A with his OW, is finally beginning to see that. Still it will take you a while to "keep turning those corners", as my H puts it.
Hopefully your H can remain patient, and you can give him some hope along the way.

I respect both you and angelfish for your honesty and trying to rebuild your M's. angelfish, I'll send you and your H prayers over the weekend that you both can have open minds and open hearts to the Retro experience. Take Care! CV

angelfish1959,

thinking of you. how did your weekend go??

onlywords, how are you doing?

FL: While onlywords did receive help here, she told me the other night she didn't really feel up to "being here." I didn't really press her for details, though she did tell me that she was reading the Fogese thread and didn't like that. I've tried to tell her, that you read what you think applies to you and use that. Some threads aren't as helpful.

I'm not sure if she's still lurking or not. Time will tell. Thanks to all for all your help. At least it feels like we're moving forward in our recovery now.

recovering H,

thanks for the reply. I just read the withdrawal times thread in which you and your wife discovered each other's posts (or i guess it was you that figured out who she was.

that was a very powerful thread to read!!

i so wish my BH could be a part of this board.

i am really impressed with the courage both you and your W have shown us in openning up to each other. thanks for letting us be a witness to it.

there have been many times when a post has upset me to the point of wanting to leave. more at the beginning than now. it is understandable that your W has the feelings she has. you two do whatever is best for the both of you. tell your W i just said a prayer for you both. God bless!!