Well

My husband ‘ maybesingle’ from the just found out postings has gone back to the Army.
This house feels so empty without him, the kids are quiet, just doesn’t seem normal or right.
I feel defeated. I never wanted to hurt him at all but I have done so good a job at that.
In 2 weeks perhaps less he will be back in the war. God knows what may happen then.
All just seems so empty.

This is what I may face eventually if he is unable to forgive me and accept all that I did. Because he will have to do that for our M go on , I know that. He will never forget it, I don’t expect him to.
I don’t how he can accept it. That seems more than any one should have to do.
I hope for a miracle.
I have really messed our lives up.

What if I never get the chance to rebuild our M? What if he never comes back to us? That would be so unbearable, worse than him leaving me, worse than divorce. Never to have a chance to show him I love him so much and will spend the rest of my life making it up to him.

What do I do now? How can I get him to understand he is my life? I was the one to forget that not him. Is there anything I can do now?

You said "What if I never get the chance to rebuild our M? What if he never comes back to us? That would be so unbearable, worse than him leaving me, worse than divorce. Never to have a chance to show him I love him so much and will spend the rest of my life making it up to him."

well i'm a BS not a WS and i still feel this way. prayers to you.

Hi crazedlove,

I just got through reading all of maybesingle's posts on JFO.

I can really hear the sorrow and remorse in your posts.I am so sorry for you both too.I only hope and pray that your H will come back home to you safe and sound so that you can become a whole family again.I know how painful it is to hear what he is going through but he will need lots of time and help to get to a place where he can open himself up to you again.Only now this infernal war has interceded thanks to Bush(sorry, can't stand the man)so that will have to wait.

In the meantime,do WHATEVER it takes to SHOW your H that you mean what you say.BE FAITHFUL.Write him loving letters and tell him what you are DOING to heal the relationship and yourself,or send e-mails,take care of those kids,they need you now so very much,pray and ask for God's help and guidance,continue to get help and counseling so that WHEN your H comes back home,you will be there waiting,a much wiser and more loving,healthy woman then when he left.Work on YOU while he is away serving his country.That is what you can do.Make it your priority.

O

good morning all, thanks so much for your support and advice. I really need it. Bliever thank you for your advice to post here too. I will do that.
I am too ashamed to discuss a lot of this with my family tho they know of course. I'm sure my dad and mom think I'm a $lut , I've hurt them too.

The night was not pleasant, no joyful memories of times with my H to keep me warm, only sickening images of my OM & me. Guilt of course.
The 3 wonderful kids light up my morning, even when we are rushing around for school. Be holidays soon.

Well I took them to school and drove home.. I looked at this house, our home, the one my H built for me only a few years ago because I wanted this & that and we could not find exactly what we wanted already established. he wanted me to be so happy and secure. He put it all in my name 'just in case' he said, didn't want probate to cause me any worries if he was killed you see. Can you believe that? He had so much trust.

Once it was so beautiful to me, now I have to take a deep breath to enter it. I could happily burn it to the ground.
So I have a lovely expensive dwelling the envy of many of my friends, big deal, I would settle for that cramped on base family duplex we had so many years ago, he would be there at least some of the time. I was so happy then even with his deployments.

Nearly every room reminds me of what I did now. The main bedroom, what was our bedroom sits unused, the base and mattress leaning up against the windows. I know he means it when he says he will NEVER go back into that room. He hasn't yet.

I'll write him tonight & tell him about the kids and things, just simply say I love him and want him to stay safe. Not to go and do something brave and get hurt. As far as he can of course.
I'm sure he does not want a hysterical begging women writing to him. I'll try to meet whatever needs he has at this time.

No word from him but I expect he is busy getting back into the Army life and training.

Well had better keep working and clean this d*mn place, heart not in it any more, but kids desrve a clean & tidy home.

Again many thanks to you all. If, no when, I hear from him I will let you know. If you have any ideas how I can broach this affair and communication with him by mail PLEASE let me know. How do I start it so that he will not get angry and just throw it away?

Crazed -

Hang in there. It will be rough at first, but you can do it. Try to start writing him and let him know how you and kids are doing. Hopefully he will be able to get online at some point.

Crazed,

I thought I would ask you a few questions. The first one is how you are handling the aftermath of the A within yourself? Do you know why you had the A? Does your H know ALL of the facts? Who else knows and what are you doing to address this?

I am asking this by way of saying it might help if we knew more of your story from a time line standpoint, a discovery standpoint (how your H found out), and perhaps what you were thinking while doing this, was OM in your home, and if so why?

I am asking this because it is useful when offering advice to W or H to know where everyone stands and the sources of anger or pain.

One question I sort of know the answer to, but am wondering if you do is why didn't some of this cross your mind before the A? Were you in that deep a depression from losing the child you were carrying?

I think as I said on your other post that you need to communicate frequently with your H about you and your family. But you also asked about broaching discussion about the A with him, and to really offer something that might help it will take knowing more than is currently known here. My guess is that this does need to be broached, but it needs to be productive. Saying "I am sorry..." is not really helping, although all BS's like to hear it. The issue is "what issue" should be subject of discussion and such.

You mentioned the master bedroom and your H's refusal to go in there. It is not unusual to have such a reaction. I have read here where cars were traded in, rooms completely redecorated, all clothes gone, you name it, in response to triggers for the BS and yes in some cases the WS.

The house may be a huge issue, depending on what you tell us about what actually happened. I am not talking about gory details here, but facts such as did OM spend much time in your house, was it for coffee or MUCH more? That sort of thing.

This is tough stuff Crazed, but hang in there. It is clear he loved you deeply and it is clear he still does. I suspect this may come down to his self-esteem and pride.

Oh! I don't know if you or your H mentioned but how old are you all, how long were you in the military, and how long have you been married?

So many questions? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I am sorry for asking so much but I think you will get many response once people have an idea about your story.

I will end this rather long post by saying things can work out, so have hope.

God Bless,

JL

Many thanks JL

Well we have been Married 18 years & have 3 kids, B13, G10, B6. My H has been a soldier since before we married. I am now 35 H is 38.
I guess it started in November of 2001 when my H was injured near place called Mazar-I-Sharif in Afghanistan. Well he came back and spent a long time in attending rehab and then round this time I lost our baby.

I had this overwhelming belief that I failed him, myself and our family by having diabetes and loosing the child. In some sort of twisted logic I turned to a co-worker - I was working then- instead of my husband. I thought that as my H was one of the people I had let down that to turn to him would be just placing more loss and responsibility on him & he didn't deserve that. He had enough worries. I was in deep depression.

Well what started as kind supportive friendship turned into a sexual attraction, no great passion but sex. I completely compartmentalised the two relationships. One was sex with the OM, the other love and M and kids. I look back on this now and it’s like it was a different person this was happening to.
This started in Jan of 2003.

Between these times I quite happily lived two separate lives. Like two separate people.

In Feb of 2004 my H found out. I cannot describe the shock and horror and pain, It was unbelievable for both of us, Most especially to my H. The stupid and unbelievable excuses I came up with are beyond belief.
I cut off all contact with the OM that day, left work soon after, I didn’t want to be near the place I started this. I went to a MC with H and then alone for a long while.

My H moved out to another house we had, couldn’t stand to be near me for so long.
On 3rd May H moved back home into the attached granny flat which has its own kitchenette, large bedroom, lounge and external access. This came about because I begged H to consider the kids who were very upset & really wanted dad around.

This house, I hate it now, well I had sex in it during lunch breaks, the main bedroom, lounge where ever. No wonder H does not want to be there now. Neither do I.

I have not told my H all the details of the A, I would if he wants, even knowing it will hurt him all over again. But up until recently I was too much in denial and self loathing to offer this.

I have told my family who are horrified at me and I am sure consider me a sl*t of the first order. My H believes I slept with the OM after the confrontation between us in Feb, I haven’t but he has no trust now. I saw the OM once before he left and that was with my sister and Mom. Told him to never contact me ever. Don’t think he cared one way or the other I was just a easy lay. God I feel so sick inside over this.

When my H found out about the A he ended up telling OM’s wife and they have left the state, Don’t care where they went as long as they stay away.

I know now that for all this time my H has been left out in a limbo of pain and hurt. How he has not left by now is a complete and utter miracle to me. Remember all this time he has been reliving the horrors of the war in PTSD. I should have been there for him but I wasn’t. Before he found out about the A he once haltingly told me of a dream he has constantly. He was standing next to a guy talking to him and this man simply exploded all over him between one moment and the next. He described in detail all the lurid pictures of this horror so emotionlessly it appalled me. I could never ask him again. I failed him so much over this alone.

The biggest issues he has brought up time after time is WHY and HOW could I have done this????

I have worked through all this with the C and she went through it with my H too, but he is not satisfied..I wonder if I would if the shoe was on the other foot???

It is hard to accept when I say it was not him at all but me and only me. There does not seem great logic to it or common sense, I just drifted into it without much thought of consequences or what I was truly doing at that time.

But God do I understand now.

So last Friday he got his 72 hour notice to return to active duty. In a few days or a week he will go back to war. I hope he rings or emails before then.

I have failed him so badly, I don't want to do that again

I'm glad you got some counseling. My WH told me the affair was not anything to do with me, but all about him. I've heard lots of people on this board say that.

I'm sorry that your husband had to go back to the war. Tell him that we are very grateful for the sacrifice he is making.

Stick with us and we will help you through this.

believer, your advice and help is so greatly appreciated especially now.

I had a short message late today from my H. Said all very intense there but he is finally at peace again doing his job. I am so glad for him but also feel sadness that I caused his inability to feel at peace at home with his family. With me.
He asked a lot about the kids and what they were doing and how they were coping. Didn't say much about what he was doing or how he felt other than feeling at home.
he finished with a PS that made me smile.he asked me to kiss Mikey for him.
All through our years since the kids came along he has asked me to kiss the youngest for him when he has been away. it means he is thinking of us all & wishes us love. I guess that is some good news. You think?

I will send a reply and I know where to start now. I will very gently ask him if he wants to know anything i could not answer for him before. There is no easy way for this but we have to get through it bit by bit. I expect he will be distant for a while when I respond to his questions but I'll have to accept that.

It is very hard, I think I am beginning to understand just how hard this will be.

Does anyone have any suggestions, am I starting this correctly??

I think you are doing just fine. And I think your marriage will go on to be better than before. Please tell him you are continuing to post here and working on your issues.

By the way, I wanted to ask you, did he get over the PTSD? I work at a military base, and there are lots of returning soldiers that have big problems. I hate war. It is so hard on everyone.

I know you are very busy with the little ones. But please do some things for you. And do not be so hard on yourself. People make mistakes, because they do not "guard their hearts".

Your marriage can be better than before. You have a lot to look forward to. So keep your spirit up. I would continue to "talk" with husband. Also you might start gathering things for a "care package".

I do volunteer work with a group in California called "operation interdependence". They have a web site. We regularly pack up boxes to send to the troops. They really seem to appreciate it.

Crazed,

Thank you for the information. You mentioned offering to tell him anything he wants to know. I think that is all you should do UNLESS he wants to talk more about it or ask questions. He will have a lot to do, and then large amounts of dead time to ruminate about what has happened. Since you cannot rapidly sort out misconceptions he may develop (the imagination is far worse than reality usually), it is best that he ask you, but that you are willing to be open.

I do think you should tell him about the kids of course and maybe even email pictures if that is allowed or possible. I think you should also do as believer said and tell him that you are here, that you are working on yourself, that you will not fail him again.

I would like to suggest that you "consider" the possibility of selling the house and moving to another one. I would NOT broach that subject to him, but it is something you might want to think about. Don't do anything until he is home again, but if you decide you could do this, if he mentions it you are prepared to discuss your feelings about it. I am NOT saying you have to, I am saying think about it. Running from things is usually a bad idea, but changing scenery to focus on the important stuff can be a very good thing.

Finally, a strange thought and I wondered if you have discussed this with your counselor. It is really not uncommon for people to mentally separate themselves from some one they fear they may lose. It is done in combat alot, and to the extent that people can't the loses add up to alot of difficulty in adjusting to civilian life or just life itself.

I am wondering if your ability to compartmentalize this so completely was enhanced by you moving away from H mentally for fear of losing him. I mention this because you are now in the same situation, and if this is a tendency of yours your counselor should help you stay emotionally engaged. I know you are now because of the aftermath of the affair.But later, it might be a different thing.

What I am suggesting is NOT uncommon, and if it happened to you, then you need to bring it to the forefront of your consciousness and discuss it with the counselor.

War is hard on everyone. My father never talked about the three he was in starting with Pearl Harbor. It was not until near his death that his old buddies started talking about their situation and what he did in combat. There were things my mother never knew about and they were married 44 years before his death.

Same for many of my buddies in Vietnam. But, I am wondering if some of your behavior was not a bit of self-protection and a reaction to his injuries.

Just a thought. I would strongly recommend that you continue counseling while he is gone. When he comes back you need to be well grounded in yourself and your beliefs. It will help you help him and it will surely help you.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 09:13 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Thank you believer for your post.

I am encouraged that I am doing the right thing. I hope I can get it right.
I did reply to his message and told him I was posting here and continuing to see the counsellor. I am pretty much over the depression but still taking St Johns Wort as a bit of safety so I don’t drop back into it.
As for my H PTSD, no he is not over it. I am ashamed to say that I did not realise how terrible it has been for him until recent times. He rarely slept as far as I could see, but I assumed it was the A and all the mess that went with it. After reading up on the PTSD I know it was more than the A. I also now know about a number of other troubling things that happened since he came back home and now I am very worried for him. The kids had to tell me about the ‘funny’ things dad did for it to click with me.
So yes I am concerned. But he says he is actually sleeping now back on duty. I suspect both the A and PTSD were causing problems and he has been able to put them aside for now. The books say they are still treating WW2 vets for it so I have to face that there is no quick fix. I can only be there for him.

I always prepare a few packages for him Believer, he usually tells me to get a list of things his unit likes so I can send something for them all as well as a few things just for him. It helps me too. I feel like I can help him from so far away.

Damn I wish this God awful war was over.

JL
I'll wait until or if he asks. The last thing I want is to rub his face in my A. Whatever he wants then I'll tell him. No more secrets.
As for selling the house, I would do it tomorrow but I want to have his agreement for this. I know it's all in my name but it was OUR home before I messed it all up. The more I think on it the more I no longer want to live here anymore.
I'll wait a week perhaps to ask him if I sold it would he object or does he want to do something else. I guess it may depend on what happens with him in the near future. Maybe , just maybe we will have a chance see him one more time. I hope so.
Already I am going back to what it was like before. Living from email to email or letter or a message passed on from someone else. That was what it was like.
When we still lived on the base it was worse. Every now & then you saw a car pull up outside some poor womans home and two officers with a friend of the woman in tow to tell her she was a widow or her H was injured.
You never get used to it.
It got so that every time the doorbell rang I felt like i was dying just a little bit.You jump at the smallest noise out of the ordinary. I hated it.
Maybe you are right, maybe I was running away, didn't have the courage to keep going, don't know. But this time no running no avoidance.
Whatever happens I'll be there for him until he says to go.
No matter the eventual outcome, I am still seeing the Counsellor I don't want to be like I was before.
I just want him home thats all. Our home will be wheverever he is.

Hi CL,

I just finished reading all of MBS's and your threads... I can SO relate to what you guys are going through right now. My prayers are with you.

Thankfully, my W and I have rebuilt our M into somthing much better than either of us ever expected. As many others have said, it's a long, hard road, but it can be done. Our M is living proof <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for MBS's deployment, I'd try to minimize telling him of the A details while he's deployed.... even if he asks for them. If he really presses you with questions, then I'd answer them, but preface your answers with "...this is going to hurt you, are you really sure that you want to hear this now. I'm more than willing to tell you after you come back..." or something along those lines.

Our situation was a bit different in that I didn't find out about several A's that my W had while I was on active duty... then ~one year after finding out, my reserve unit went to Kosovo for 6 months... I asked all sorts of questions from 5,000 miles away... Thankfully, my wonderful W asked me if I REALLY wanted to know the answers, or would I rather wait until I got back when we could really work on them togther.

It only took one or two answers from her for me to realize that I had to just put everything (A Questions and such) on hold until the deploymnent was over. She was brutally honest with me... and it just tore me up. Didn't take me long to realize that I had to stop asking so many questions!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

When I returned, all the questions poured out, and it took us many more months for us to work through all of her A's and our pain. I thank God that he's given us our M back.

You and your H can rebuild your M, but it's going to take lots of hard work. Please know that you and your H are in my prayers.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

BTY, I'm deployed again for an all expenses paid year in Afghanistan... How do you military wives put up with us??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

crazed -

Good morning. Throw out all my advice and listen to Rebuilding. He has been there and knows much more than I do.

So back to the house. I would give it some time to make any big decisions, and I would wait til husband comes back.

However in the meantime, I would put my energy into getting it into tip top condition, just in case. It will give you something to do. Not that you don't already have enough. But I think it is a symbolic thing. I would rearrange, paint, etc.

I don't know if you are religious, but you might have someone come and bless your home. Or if you are not religious, reclaim you and your husband's home yourself.

By the way, get rid of the bed. Sleep on the floor if you have to.

Hope you are feeling better today.

CL,

Just wondering how you're doing this morning...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hello RIF 90 & believer, JL and others who have helped

well all is ok here, though I am nervous waiting for my H answer on what he wants to know about the A.
After the advice from you RIF I don't want to do anything to distract him.
If he wants to know I'll try to get to see him in person if i can. I don't want to send him a cold detailed post that would be horrible for him to read.
I had the bed removed this morning.
Also arranging for a real estate agent to give me a estimate on what we would get if we sold. Frankly I don't care if we got nothing but I still need to provide for the kids so at least I will have some ideas to discuss with H on options. I can't allow my guilt get in the way of the kids having a nice home. They don't deserve to suffer from all this mess. So I wll suggest that we discuss with the kids if we want to sell. They deserve some input as to where to move to. I don't want to upset their schooling or friends.

Well I will have to wait & see what H wants to do and try to keep busy, though how many times can I clean the oven, wash the floors and vacuum the carpet??

Just very anxious.

CL

Hi. I totally understand the compartmentalizing. i am new to this site and have been reading your posts. I am so sorry about your husband being sent over. My husband just got back in March from a year over there and I had the A while he was gone and some while he was back. I hate what I have done and totally understand how it seems like looking at another person's actions.

Also, the OM for me, I think, saw me much the same way. Just a willing partner. He treated me as a friend, but so what? I am so sorry for your pain and hope you will be as blessed as I am for finding MB.

Glad to hear that you're doing better today...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't want to send him a cold detailed post that would be horrible for him to read. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our MC suggested that we take a "time out" with the questions while I was deployed... I did OK for a couple of weeks, but just had to keep asking... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It only took a couple of answers for me to realize that I just couldn't deal with it during the deployment... My first thought was, gee, I sure am getting the short end of the stick on this one. But in the end, I truly believe that it worked out for the best.

What really helped me, was my W's willingness, and constant reminders that we would deal with this once I got home. I had the normal fears that she would use the deployment to "escape" my questioning... but she was true to her word and we did work through all of my questions once I returned... (that's another story)...

Only you and your H can decide what's best for your M... whatever you decide, please, please, be honest with your H... He needs that more than anything else right now. If he does agree to hold off on the questions until he returns, give him a gentle reminder that YOU are still willing to discuss them when he get's back... For me, that was my biggest fear in delaying everything... that my W would just let it all blow over and never again address the A issues with me when I returned.

I never discussed our A issues with anyone while I was deployed. The main reason that I didn't was that when I did seek help from the 'military' back in 88-90, the Chaplain and my CO both told me to dump my W and get a divorce...

I would venture to guess that times haven't changed in the miltary all that much since then... and I expect that your H will probably have the same issues if he confides with any of his buddies...or his chain of command.

Try to get him to keep posting here... there are lots of great people here that can help him deal with his pain and hurt without exposing himself and your M to his buddies or his chain of command.

Keep looking for was to SHOW your H that you are acting in a trustworthy manner while he's away, and let him know from time to time that you are willing to answer any question he has....(hopefully after he gets back home)...

I just wanted to let you know that there IS hope for you and your H... it's not going to be easy, but don't let anyone tell you that it's impossible to rebuild your M... You and your H are in my prayers.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Crazed,

I agree with everyone concerning the house and especially decisions. Get your information together, prepare to move if necessary, but it is truely the old military tradition of "hurry up and wait". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One thing you need to do is "ground" yourself with respect to working on your issues, your family, perhaps fixing up the house, etc. This situation will NOT be sorted out until he comes back, that also means even if he says he doesn't want to proceed with the marriage. Many people say that, but change their mind as life moves along.

Please listen to RIF90 and others. This has been a very traumatic time for both your H and you. Let the healing begin and most of all give this time and alot of patience.

God Bless,

JL