Thankyou RAP, jl & rif90 for your support

I am sorry RAP that you are here too, but thank God for the MB site thats for sure.

Well my H replied and says he wants to talk to me in person about the A. That is a relief but I'll keep in mind RIF your thoughts on letting him know I am going to talk to him as soon as we can be together if thats what he wants.

He was a bit disinterested about the house said he didn't care as long as kids were ok with school and friends. Said he was not going into 'THAT' room so I guess it's in my hands but I would like his agreement. I suppose I'll wait until we can talk face to face.

I hope you are right RIF & jl, I want my M back and will do whatever I can to show him I will be there for him.

It would be so much easier if we were all together...

Glad you are still doing okay. Well, let's see, after you clean the oven, and vacuum, you can paint, make new curtains, rearrange things, organize, exercise, take up a new hobby, join a support group, start a business, etc.

Aything that will make you feel good about yourself would be great right now.

Is there anyway you can turn "that room" into something else?

<small>[ June 15, 2004, 01:37 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

Hi CL,

Sounds like things have leveled out a bit... that's great!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He was a bit disinterested about the house said he didn't care as long as kids were ok with school and friends. Said he was not going into 'THAT' room so I guess it's in my hands but I would like his agreement. I suppose I'll wait until we can talk face to face. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, it was a bit easier in that we moved back to the states from an overseas assignment in 1990... I didn't have to deal with living in the same place that some of my W's A's happened.

Try not to push 'THAT' room issue on him. You've told him that you're willing to move, or whatever it takes to help him... I'd leave it with him for now. If it's still bothering him, he will bring it up again.

If you haven't read it yet, you might want to pick up a copy of "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder... our MC gave us this book to read together and it really helped us both. This book is very direct and to the point, especially for the WS... it really helped my W see some of the dynamics that were involved in her A's and gave specific ways for her to help me in regaining her trust.

Not sure if I'd buy a copy for your H while he's deployed... remember, you want to SHOW him that you're working on yourself and that your actions are trustworthy... you don't want to get into any deep relationship discussions when you're both 5,000 miles apart. Use this deployment time to learn the WHY of your A... Once you learn why you had the A, you can then take the necessary steps to prevent it from ever happening again.... That's what your H is looking for...

As you learn what led you to have the A, look for ways to protect your M from those same mistakes... Then TELL your H what you're up to... Keep the letters and e-mail flowing with lots of news about the family and some of the things that you are doing... I wouldn't come right out and say "Hi Honey, I'm doing ____ to keep from having an A again..." Just casually mention some of the things that you are doing (...to protect your M) and I'm pretty sure that your H will pick up on it without you telling him.

Again, if he presses you with questions, please let him know that you are more than willing to answer them, but ask him again if he REALLY wants to deal with the answer while you are apart... Don't forget to keep a list of his questions for future reference if he does decide to wait until after the deployment... and periodically let him know that YOU haven't forgotten about his questions.

I know how hard these deployments are on a family... Taking care of our house, a teenage D, two elementary age D's, and two cats is much harder on my wonderful W than what I'm doing over here.

Thank YOU for for serving alongside your H while he's deployed... We couldn't do this without the support of our families...

Please know that you and your H are in my prayers...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

hello all

Got a call from my h who said he was getting some leave this weekend. I know this is a very short time since he went back so I wonder if he has taken leave to sort something out with us or if he is going to the war very soon. I didn't feel as if I could ask him.
Should I have? Bit uncertain what I should be doing now
He wants us to drive down and pick him up as that way he can be with us for as long as posssible
I hope that is good news for us. It seems he wants to be with us, but is that only the kids or me as well?
How do I show him he can trust me when he is away? I think it is the thing that eats at him no matter what I say. I lived a lie for a year, how can he believe anything I say on this?

Hi CL,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wonder if he has taken leave to sort something out with us or if he is going to the war very soon. I didn't feel as if I could ask him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't worry about "WHY" he's coming home... just enjoy the time you have with him... If your Kids are going with you to pick him up, I'd try to limit the A talk while they're with you.

Once you and your H have some time alone, you could let your H know that you are WILLING to discuss anything he wants... this will SHOW him that you are not trying dodge his questions. Again, if he does want to discuss the A, and he asks some questions that you have the answers to, please, please, be as open and honest as you can without going into the gory details... And preface your answers with "... my answer is going to be really painful for you, are you sure you want to hear it..." or something along those lines.

I don't want to scare you, but you need to be prepared in case he says something along the lines of "...I want a D"... or "I just can't do this..." If he's not dealing with his pain well, he may say somthing along these line.... be prepared to let him know that you understand how/why he feels that way, that you are sorry that you've hurt him, but that no matter what he's telling you, you are prepared to stick it out and work through all of this..... Again, hopefully, he won't say anything like this, but your response is critical... acknowledge his pain, and restate your committment to him and the M.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...It seems he wants to be with us, but is that only the kids or me as well? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CL, I know this is hard, but you've got to stop reading into his thoughts and questions... Just enjoy the fact that you are going to be able to spend some time as a family before he ships out... He may well only be coming down to see the kids, but I don't think he is... remember, he's in pain... he may say some hurtful, mean things... but it's your ACTIONS that he'll be looking for. Acknowledge his pain, and restate your committment to him and the M. By not getting defensive and angry at him when he says something like this, you will SHOW him that you are working on rebuilding your M...

Keep showing him that you are trustworthy and he'll eventually see it... He's just in alot of pain right now...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I picked up my H with kids and wed rove home. He was quiet which usually means hes thinking on something. Good with the kids, adores them, and they had fun with him even with his quiet times during the drive.
The time was spent with the kids mostly, I accept he was not that keen to be alone with me right now, but it was hard.

He was pleasant and polite just not HIM if that makes sense. I asked if he would sleep with me, he was reluctant I know, but we used the granny flat. God it was so awkward. I don't have any pride left where he is concerned. I wanted to create some connection, some feeling between us, even a little bit to start us on a way back. Don't know if I have done even that.

No great passion of course, but at least gentleness. At least that was something.

Fathers Day was good we had a good time. kids were so happy to surprise dad with breakfast and a little metal foldup photo display that had photos of us all in it. Not much bigger than a credit card, something he can carry. I was going to leave mine out but thought well we have to start sometime so I left it.
I hoped it would help him know I would be waiting and be only his and that he will be able to like me again, I hope for that.

A little while ago, as the kids were playing on the PS 2 my h said he had something to tell me. I thoguht God here it comes.
He said he had meet a woman at the base and had gone out with her and others. Of course I was jumping to conclusions and felt like I wanted to scream as he said that.....maybe I have no right to do that but I did feel it... however he told me what happened and i almost laughed with relief.
He felt guilty because he had gone home with this woman and would have had sex with her if it had been offered. Well he didn't thats all that matters to me. I would have accepted it if he had anyway
Perhaps many will say I deserve this fright and more, maybe they are right. I feel like a hypocrite but I don't want to lose him to another woman. I don't want him to touch another woman. I think I have lost that right to expect that though. I'll settle for him coming back to me alive and well.
he posted what happened on this site but I won't read it now, maybe not until he is back on duty. I wish it was possible to take his hurt and pain away.
There doesn't seem to be time for us, everything is just going to fast.
God I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from.

CL,

I'm glad he told you... but you need to stop thinking that you have "lost" your right to expect your H to remain faithful to you. You have every "right" to expect that from him, just as he expects it from you...

Enjoy your time with him... look for ways to show him that you are working on rebuilding the M while he's home...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

crazedlove-

His behavior is very normal for a BS - he is thinking about how it would feel to try to get back at you. That is normal. I used to think I would do the same thing that WS did to me, but that was just crazy thinking.

I do think that you both love each other enough to get through this. So hang in there and don't give up.

Thankyou RIF & Believer

You have given me so much encouragement.
I did end up reading my H postings after I asked him. It made me see how much he is hurting and how he is hurting. I think this can help me win him back.
I WISH I could feel the hurt he does, but even knowing what and how I cannot feel what he does in this. Even if he were to sleep with someone I still could not feel what he does.
I am so worried that so much of his anger is also PTSD and I have no way to talk to him over that,he REFUSES to talk to me or anyone but other unit members of what they did and saw. They are all the same, don't talk to people.

I will sit & wait for him to come home after he goes, I can't do much else besides sending messages. Damn this is so frustrating not being able to have him here working on this M.

So we have a few more days, whatever or where ever he is going it was put off again apparently, thank God for small mercies.
I worry so much about him, I do not think he should be going back with PTSD. How is it possible for him to be properly prepared like he is? He has done his fair share.

So here we have it, he feels anger for my actions amongst a number of things, I feel bitter because he is going back to war.

Hi CL,

I'm so sorry that your H is deploying again... I know how hard this is for all of you. But you must realize that you CAN continue to work on yourself while he's gone... and when you make progress, you should tell him about it and let him know that you are still willing to work through everything when he returns...

Keep looking for ways to show him that you are protecting your M... then work at those things until they become second nature to you.

Several examples could be 1) Don't discuss your M relationship with anyone of the opposite gender. (unless it's a MC or IC). 2) Don't chat/e-mail/IM with anyone of the opposite gender. or 3) Don't frequent places where single men "cruise" for women (co-ed gyms, bars, clubs)... I'm sure you can think of some more...

I'm so sorry that your H is going back... and that you and your family are going to have to go through another period of time without him... and I can definitely see how you could be bitter... But deep down, I'll bet that you are very, very, proud of him...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hello to everyone

another few days has passed and H is at least speaking to me outside of the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, he's not agressive or rude or hurtful, he was just not communicating with me much. I would end up holding an enire discussion by myself as he sat there looking out the window into the distance, no response.
You know at first I thought I was getting the silent treatment, that he could not bring himself to talk to me.
It's like since the MC stopped while he is being deployed we had slipped back to the first few days when he found out. I'm still getting IC and it's a God send.
However I don't think he is. I think it is much more than that.
I tried to help him the other nite as he is constantly getting up, checking that the house is secure, very restless. I asked him if he needed to tallk about his dreams and what whent on in the war, he said I really didn't want to hear. Do you know how frustrating that is? He says he can't tell me because I don't know what went on and he won't tell me what went on so I can't understand!! ARGH
But last nite I finally got him to speak about what he saw and now I'm praying it was nothing he did. Ever hear the old saying be carefull for what you wish for because you may get it?
Well I did. What he told me was bad enough and I will NEVER discuss it outside the two of us. But that was not the worst of it.
I looked into his eyes as he told me and it was like looking through the gates of hell. They were cold, empty, totally emotionless.
This man, was NOT my husband, affair or no affair. I don't know how to explain it any other way.
I don't think we who stay at home all safe & sound are fully prepared nor do we fully understand what men like my H have gone through , or been asked to do. You know, perhaps we do not want to know.
I have known my H since I was 12, loved him since I was 16 when I made my mind up he was going to be my H if at all possible.
We have been married for 18 years and I should know him better than anyone, but I'm not sure I do now.
I fear my affair has done far more damage than I or our MC has realised, just because it was on top of everything else.
I think he is eventually going to need more than any MC can provide once he comes back.
I don't want to think of any other alternatives to him coming back.
But he had better have another think if he thinks I'll going to let 20 years of loving him go down the toilet without a fight no matter what he does or says. No matter thats it's all my own fault.
I want to say to him plainly 'Listen buster, it was for better or for worse. While I think we are going through one of the worse bits now, we are going to get better, UNDERSTAND? YOu are not driving me away and I'm not going, no you did not deserve this, you did not deserve my cheating on you, we did not deserve a dead child, but it is what we are faced with. So lets face it. There are a lot of things we need to work on my love, don't throw it all out on me now, I need you more than ever.'
I'm not giving up on him you know not now not ever, no matter how hard it gets.
I want him to know he has afight on his hands if he thinks this is the end thats all.

Crazed - War is Hell. That is all there is to it. I talked to lots of people that came back about it. The worst one was a guy who was fired on by a guy who then held up his little boy as a shield.

This guy came home to his own little boy the same age, and was having nightmares.

The only thing we can do is support our warfighters in every way we can.

You can be the leader in healing your marriage. Never ever give up. You married him for better or worse. Remember that.

Crazed,

I think you should tell your H exactly what you told us. Because as I read this, I hear you saying " You fought for what you believed in and still do, and I will fight for what I believe in and that is you."

That is what I hear, and I think it is what he needs to hear.

You are probably right, there are somethings you don't want to hear any more than he wanted to see. If he can get someone to unburden some of this with when he comes back he should.

My father nor his friends never talked about the war, that would be WWII, Korea, or Nam, until they were very old an dying. This stuff changes people and there is no getting around that fact.

Tell your H what you said here, and then DO IT.

God Bless,

JL

Hi MBers

I hope you are all well and that you are finding some peace of your own here too. Isn't it amazing to be able to see where so many others are struggling and be able to hold out a hand and offer help, yet at least for me, when I try to do that with my own situation, I fall in a heap! Looking from the outside is so different.

I really want to say TY all for helping me, us right now, while all in your own pain and loss. I so appreciate all you advise & say.
It also helps me while hopefully helping others here to pass that good advice and my own experiences along too. You know I don’t want anyone to mess up like I did. They should make anyone getting M read the MB keys to a good relationship. At least then you might have a chance to know that your M was on a rocky path. But split milk and all that.

I suppose you are wondering where I am right now with my H. Well, I did tell him all I wanted to say from the last post, I got a grunt so maybe some of it will sink in. I hope so. Our relationship is ...well hard to define right now. Bed is fine, well great actually, perhaps the war has something to do with that, but though important, it's no where near everything of course.

I try to be affectionate without smothering his space if you know what I mean. I do just a few times a day give him a gentle hug. That is VERY awkward. H tenses up and it's like holding a stiff plank of wood at first , but then you can almost see his thought process say , "oh it's YOU, well then ok, but I'm not letting you too far in".....he relaxes. Well ok, I accept the condition but I am working away at it, a sliver at a time. I can usually pick up the signs and back of quickly as the need arises.

He is trying too, I can see him hold back the biting bitter words, or keep the annoyance out of his voice if I misjudge and get too close, so yes awkward and difficult are good ways to describe it.

We cannot resolve this in the short term, though I have this urge to say sometimes, just get over it. No I will never say it and really don't accept it as a valid option at all for him, it's just my frustration and anxiety coming out.

We have spoken about selling this house, told him I didn’t think it could be a home to us any more. He agreed. I think he was surprised I was so prepared to ‘give up’ my dream home. Well I killed that dream pretty damn well so I have no hesitation at all.
However we have agreed that any new home must be in the school district for the kids so they can keep their friends. Well I will not rush into this I will look around see what is available and have a good look. Told the kids we may be moving they did not seemed fazed much, used to it the poor things. When I told them they would not need to change schools they looked delighted. Guess it’s one right decision at last.

So we both wait in a strange sort of limbo, not knowing if the last few hours were our last for sometime, time is just too precious too waste on regrets right now, That will come later, but not now. Just going to see if he will hold my hand for a while.

Such a little thing is so important now.

H has taken the kids fishing down at the river. I'll be going down there soon. Had a home sales agent come around to give us a estimated valuation...........pretty good actually..thinks we could sell it within a week. Asked her to look for a place wihtin the school area I could buy . I think she must of thought I was crazy selling one home to just buy another...........probably thinks her Christmases have come all at once.
I feel so much better taking a positive move for us.
I don't want to live here anymore neither does my H, I think the kids will be happy to go simply because they know we have been unhappy here. ( We do NOT discuss the A around the kids..not ever)
Well I better go pack up some food, hot drinks for everone and go join the H & kids.
Hey, hes talking to me!! (outside of the bedroom)
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Maybe some light at the end of the tunnel???

<small>[ June 25, 2004, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: crazedlove ]</small>

Well, I hope you have a wonderful day. My boys and I go fishing a lot and really enjoy the family time. Keep on chipping away.

We were wakened about 80 min ago.
My H was required to return immediately.
I woke the kids, they wanted so much to say goodbye so I could not refuse them.

I packed what little things he wanted to take with him.

He sat with the kids holding each one and talking softly to them saying he would be back before they knew it.

Then he simply gave me along look ,kissed me lightly and jumped in the taxi and drove away.

You can't fool the kids. not now, the oldest is so proud, the two younger ones started to cry and I just held them for a while until they were ok. I told them everthing would be ok. What else can you say.

I would cry myself but the kids don't need to see that right now.
I wish things had been so different.

{{{{Crazedlove}}}}

I'll be praying for your family and your H...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Just opened a email from him that said 'God speed.' Thats our code we have had for a long time, simply means hes actually going now.

Suddenly I feel so cold all over. For the first time in many years I am so afraid.

I don't care what he decides now, I just want him home safe again thats all thats important.

God please keep him safe. I have made such a mess of everything