a little help please. My wife moved out about a month ago, we were fighting too much about her affair. In that time I have ask her if she would like a divorce,( I don’t want one, I want to work it out, but I get mad sometimes.) she says she just needs space, she doesn’t want a divorce or split things up, she still wears wedding ring, thought she was in love with me and OM but says she only loves me, she says OM is too pushy , she say she doesn’t fell safe with OM as far as seeing a future with him and is afraid of a life without me. I told her last night the only way we have a chance of making it is if she stops all contact with him, but she is not ready for that. She said she doesn’t know what she want’s to do. We see each other almost everyday for a visit, kiss and a hug, then she goes to her apartment .I have been wondering if plan B was in order, we are still working out of one check book and I take care of all bills. We have been married 16 years and together 20.Her affair has been going on for about 7 month, I have known about it for two, she doesn’t see him to much he lives about 100 miles away met him on internet, but has no PC were she lives. .Any thought or opinions would be help full Thanks

please someone help i will be seeing her soon thanks

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 09:09 AM: Message edited by: I will be o k ]</small>

Iwill,

Even though the A is 7 months old, you've only known about it for 2. How much of that time have you spent in a Plan A?
How good have you been at meeting her ENs? Do you know what they are? (How do you know?)

My wife moved out about a month ago, we were fighting too much about her affair.
I see a lot of clues that LBs - especially anger and control - are what push your W away. This is one of them.

In that time I have ask her if she would like a divorce
Why in the world would you bring this up if it's not what you want? Instead of bringing up D, tell her how you feel. Use "I" statements.

she says OM is too pushy
Another indicator that anger and control push her away. These are probably the top two on her list of LBs. Avoid angry outbursts and selfish demands like the plague!

I told her last night the only way we have a chance of making it is if she stops all contact with him
Believe me, I hear what you are saying! And I think you're right. BUT you can't educate your WW. This comes across as a demand. What you *can* say is "Wife, you are the dearest and most precious thing to me, and I want above all else to have a M with you - one that is better and more complete than what we had before this mess started. I am not capable of fully committing to that while you are in contact with OM. I don't feel safe. Will you please end contact with OM?"

I don't think Plan B is at all in order. Plan B is for two situations:
1. Your love bank is almost empty and you cannot sustain your love for your W under the current conditions. The tone of your post doesn't sound like that is the case, though I could be mistaken.
2. You have done a stellar Plan A, and your W continues to sit on the fence. I think your Plan A could use some improvement, and your W is leaning toward coming home and working things out.

I think a strong Plan A is more appropriate, to encourage your W to come home. Let her know you're serious about making a better M. Let her know you're capable of meeting her needs and avoiding LBs. Continue to spend pleasant time with her.

please someone help i will be seeing her soon thanks

Why the big rush? You see her almost every day, right?

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 09:37 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

Thank you your answer is a God sent. That’s my problem I get in such a big hurry. thanks

Maybe I recognize it because I do the exact same thing. Look at the timeline in my sig - you'd think I'd know by now that this stuff takes TIME.

But no.

Yesterday afternoon I found myself giving myself a lecture that it doesn't all have to be decided and done *this week*. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Post and let us know how it went after you're back from seeing her, okay?

I will,

At the of the risk of sounding as if I am contradicting Turtle, permit me to lay out the Harley plans for you.

As she mentioned there is plan A, which is an attempt to show the Wayward Spouse, WS, that it is safe to come home and break off the Affair. This plan entails NO LB's and that also means disrespectful judgements, DJ's. Please the read the articles here concerning the Love Busters and especially DJ's, they are deadly and often not even realized. Calling someone names, or ordering them around are much more obvious LB's.

In order to really stop LB's one needs to look inward and see what actions, what comments, what attitudes contribute to the LB's and stop them. That is often called working on yourself. Next, you can put in place boundaries but they need to be stated in a non-LB way. "I feel..." statements are effective in doing this. Please read more here about this.

Now the problem with Plan A is it is very hard on the Betrayed Spouse, BS. You are a total giver, and you can not expect ANYTHING from the WS. Please read about Harley's concepts of giver and taker. His claim is that we have both within us and for a healthy person it should be balanced, hence it is important for partners to meet each others NEEDS.

That is the next step in plan A, meeting the WS's needs as best you know them. If you can get them to do the NEEDS questionaire you will very likely learn some surprisng things. Often a WS will not let you meet many of their needs but will and do expect others, such as financial support. Do your best in doing this.

As you can see, NO ONE can stay in plan A for a very long time as their TAKER will eventually run amock. So plan A is for a limited time. The biggest mistake most make is NOT leaving plan A soon enough because it is a big drain on you and your love of your spouse.

For that reason the next step in the plan is plan B. Naturally it follows a good plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Here you seek to preserve your love for your Spouse. It is done by completely withdrawing from the relationship. Harley's premise is that most A's end, often within 6 months of discovery sometimes as much as a year or two. Ending the A is not so much about the actions of the BS, as the WS waking up. But, while it is going on you will be losing love for your spouse, continued contact with OP does that. So to slow it down one goes to Plan B so that the A is not in your face everyday and one waits until the A ends or you simply run out of love, at that point ending the marriage is easier for you.

Plan B is NOT done haphazardly. It should follow a good Plan A, it should be done when you feel your love for your spouse dwindling, it should be done BEFORE you run out of love (otherwise if the spouse tries to come back you will not have enough love left toget through withdrawal and recovery).

Finally, Plan B is kicked off with a Plan B letter which is basically a love letter stating you must separate and have no contact until the other person, OP is out of the picture, then you would love to try and rebuild the marriage.

Harley, also states that the best time to start a plan B is after a good plan A and when/if the spouse is still sitting on the fence. It forces the WS to face reality without you, and it forces the OP to meet ALL of the WS's needs.

Also part of plan A is disclosure of the A, first to family and others that will support the marriage. This is a touchy subject, if you decide to do it, post here and you will get all sorts of advice on how and when to do it.

Please read the literature here and ask all of the questions you can think of. This stuff does work, but it is tough going,make no mistake about that. It also takes time and patience.

I wish you the best and look forward to your questions.

God Bless,

JL

(quick threadjack)
JL, I didn't see any contradictions at all (though I would have enjoyed your input regardless - I always do). Your reply was more educational and soothing. You are so good at this.