Is anyone here aware of a book about (possibly by) a wayward spouse thinking about leaving the marriage?? Something that would truly address their fears and thoughts and shed some light through the fog (a dash of reality and rationale).

The closest we've found so far is After the Affair. I haven't read it yet, but the table of contents looks like it tries to address things from both points of view (BS and WS).

Best book I have read for WS' is Sexual Detours by Dr. Holly Hein. This is the book description:

With insight and sensitivity, Dr. Holly Hein leads on a voyage of discovery that explores the true meaning behind our sexual detours. She shows us why we do it, how we do it, and what to do about it. Dr. Hein clarifies why an affair reveals more about ourselves than about our sex lives; why it is more about the chemistry of escape than about sexual lightning. And, ultimately, she explains why an affair is more about the betrayl of the self than it is about breaking marriage vows. This books is for anyone who has ever been beguiled by the idea of romance, entangled in a clandestine relationship, devastated by betrayal, forced to recover from loss, or even simply hoped to find love and happiness. In short everyone.


After The Affair is an excellent book for both BS' and WS'.

I am a FWW and just finished an excellent book entitled "Freeing the Ties that Bind" by Guy Finley. This is not a book that addresses affairs specifically but it is an awesome book!! I would recommend it to anyone. It has changed my perspective totally!!

the title is "Breaking the Ties that Bind". Sorry.

Hmmm...I'll check out the book on Sexual Detours - but I'm not sure that would catch many WS's eye, since many are emotional affairs and not based on sex (although sexual attraction surely plays a part). As a former wayward spouse I would never have picked up that book - because to me it all 'all about love'. But it might have some interesting research info, thanks!!

Lisa, do you mean... Freedom from the Ties That Bind: The Secret of Self Liberation
by Guy Finlly, Guy Finley (Paperback - June 1994)?

That's the one FL. The thing about this book that impressed me is that he deals with the root causes of why we chase after some of the things we do for fulfillment. The points that he makes for dealing with the way we have programmed ourselves to think about others and ourselves has changed me!!! And I am a challenging cause, believe me!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hope4future:
<strong> Hmmm...I'll check out the book on Sexual Detours - but I'm not sure that would catch many WS's eye, since many are emotional affairs and not based on sex (although sexual attraction surely plays a part). As a former wayward spouse I would never have picked up that book - because to me it all 'all about love'. But it might have some interesting research info, thanks!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, hope4, it does deal with sexual affairs but I think you could apply it to EAs also. Because in the end, whether its an EA or PA, the underlying "psycology" is the same. It's not about sex, it's not about love, it's not about the BS, it's not about the OP, it's about the WS and their avoidance of themselves.

well said Fraggles coming from a FWW!

Private Lies by Pittman is a good one if you can get WS to read it.

Yes, but again, as a Former WW who was in an emotional affair - I would not have picked it up. Knowing about it now I could recommend it to someone - but what I'm searching for is to see if the information that I, as a former wayward spouse that came OUT of the fog (and thankfully in time), would give to someone thinking about whether to stay in or leave their marriage - is available in a book that people actually KNOW about and would see, pick up, and read - and SEE themselves in it. For a wayward spouse who is searching for answers to see some possibilities from another former waywards perspective - or written in a way that they would feel they were being understood.

See - the point is - if it doesn't exist - I'd like to MAKE it exist. I have the power - I have the knowledge - they can rebuild it......... Sorry, had a bionic man flashback.

I saw private lies, but I heard it is painful to read...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">since many are emotional affairs and not based on sex (although sexual attraction surely plays a part) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hope4, my FWH's affair was strictly sexual at the beginning, then I think eventually turned into emotional. But for the most part the only thing they did was have sex and it was good from what i understand. So good that even though I am willing to have SF with my H now many times a week, he woul drather not as I am not as "sexual" as the OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Well sure - because there's no dirty secrecy, no forbidden lusting. Sex ACTS can be learned - and more spice and fun can be added - but what he's probably still comparing is the giddy, teenage horniness that he felt. While I'm sure it's very exciting - the after effects of naseau and the painful erosion of your moral soul are too high a price to pay.

THANKS EVERYONE! I ordered all the books listed here, and some other recommended ones as well. Great leads for my research!

I read a book about WWs titled "The Erotic Silence of the American Wife" by Dalma Heyn. It really shook me up!

Those women were not concerned about love for their husbands, families, nor anyone else. They seemed to be concerned about the balance of power, money, and personal pleasure. They wanted to be the "perfect wife" in the "perfect marriage" and found their true selves lost. To correct the problem, instead of trying to work it out with their husbands, they had affairs so they could "find themselves."

It would be great if the WS would read anything. Don't have any experience other than my own but my WW would not even pick it up. She thinks she "knows" Whatever is in that book does not apply to her "situation" Our children will "not" be affected.

She is too busy looking for realestate in Vegas and planning a cruise for her Internet BF.

1FM, in your situation your WS is too caught up in the fantasy yet to search for real answers. But that isn't always the case - and may not always be for her either. She may GET to the point where the reality of life catches up to her sitation and she might actually start to question some things. I think that so far pretty much ALL of the books on Affairs I have read are dead on the money with their advice and facts - but WS's are EXTRA defensive and the minute there is any hint of shame cast upon them they go on the defense and often quit reading. I'm just thinking there might be another route to take - or atleast try. I'm thinking that the preface - or little write up on the cover - would have to really catch their attention to get them curious enough to keep reading.

Hope4thefuture. I agree that the ws are on the defensive. My H at the beginning would only read his needs/her needs because it was not all about him but he felt it was all my fault and that book allowed him to continue to believe that but slowly as he read it sunk in that he hadn't been fulfilling my needs. Also the thing that turned him off at the beginning was childhood wounds. Thats why I believe C's usually seem to side with the WS the first few sessions to make the WS relax. After awhile he was able to read Surviving an Affair and torn asunder although he felt alot didn't pertain to him(I thought they hit the nail on the head lol)
So your mission if you choose to accept it..... right a book that makes the WS believe they are right and catches their eye but subconciously teaches them all they need to know lol.

LOL!! OK! Sounds right on the money!

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h4f:

Based on what I know about you, your sitch, your H, and your recovery, and this thread, I think YOU are the single most bestest person 2 write such a book.

I have not read all of the A-books by any means, but I have not heard of one that does what you describe in you post above - captivate the WS looking for answers. It will be hard, but YOU are the one who should write such a book.

I got dibs on the first printed copy!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> -ol' 2long