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This is my first post ....
I've been wondering about this for some time now.
My WH hasn't treated me with respect for many years now and I just put up with it. Then he goes off and finds OW and treats me even worse!
Thought we had a breakthrough a few months ago, only to find that it was false. Thought we had a breakthrough a few days ago, and now I'm not really sure.
The past several months, he has been different towards me. Treating me kinder, asking my opinion, acknowledging "good" things that I do, being a better father.
But with all this yo-yoing, I'm not sure if he has REALLY, TRULY changed for the better. Thought he wasn't in contact anymore, but yesterday seemed distant again. Don't know if it's withdrawal or contact resumed ... my guess is the latter.
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
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H4H,
Yes, people can change. It takes a lot of effort.
Welcome to Marriage Builders!
Tell us a little bit about yourself. You're the BS, your H is the WS.
How long has OW been in the picture?
How long have you known?
How long have you been M?
Children?
Are you in Plan A?
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Originally posted by Headed for Happiness:
This is my first post ....
Welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
My WH hasn't treated me with respect for many years now and I just put up with it.
Can you really change yourself?
Can YOU change your position and not "put up with" disrespect?
But with all this yo-yoing, I'm not sure if he has REALLY, TRULY changed for the better.
You are asking yourself the wrong question!!!
Ask yourself if YOU can change...
Can YOU become stronger and create safe reasonable boundaries in your M?
As Dr. Phil says: "We teach people how to treat us."
Have YOU learned how to BE respected?
The flip side of your H's disrespect is your passive non-confrontational demeanor.
There are non-love-buster ways to draw your boundaries.
The trick is this...
YOU have to say what you mean and mean what you say!
Which means there must be consequences your H feels when he disrespects you.
You may want to seek out a professional to teach you how to become more assertive for your own benefit and welfare.
Some community colleges offer "Assertiveness Training" .... call around.
What say you?
Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Joined: Feb 2004
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Welcome! There is actually a thread started by Beemer over on the Recovery Board titled "People can change."
Maybe you can find some hope in his post.
SS
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Hey, Pepper said what I was going to say!!
Yes, people can change - but like she said, the person you want to REALLY concern yourself with is YOU. If YOU change, your marriage will change.
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pep and hope, I have changed. There were things that I wasn't happy about when it came to how I interacted with my H. Have been working on this for quite a while now and I feel that I have made progress.
spider, thanks, I'll check it out.
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H4H, sorry your here, but Welcome. Pep said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The flip side of your H's disrespect is your passive non-confrontational demeanor. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is so true, I know this because that is me. I'm in IC, my man goal, to become more assertive/less passive. Hang tough H4H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
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Joined: Oct 2000
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Originally posted by kyellow4: H4H, sorry your here, but Welcome. That is so true, I know this because that is me. I'm in IC, my man goal, to become more assertive/less passive. Hang tough H4H. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well well well.... a Freudian slip-'o-the tongue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Most enjoyable! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Pep
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kyellow: No, it' s ME (except for the "man goal" thing)! I'm the KING of passiveness. I'm the KING of procrastination. I'm so good at procrastinating, I'm no longer an amateurcrastinator, I'm a PROcrastinator... ...mostly, though, I'm just crass! ...Hm... What's burning? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> All seriousness aside, though, YES, a person can change. At least they can change their behavior patterns, which is what change is about anyway. it's taken ol' 2long a while, but I did truly realize that I HAVE changed my behavior 2uite a bit, though I still have a way 2 go. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, though, because I look 2 see if my W has changed, ended her "friendship" with RM, and get disappointed when I see that she hasn't. This has given me the epiphany that I needed, though: My W WON'T change until she realizes she NEEDS 2 change and WANTS 2 change. I can point out the usefullness of her doing so all I want, but I can't expect her 2 change because I say she should (or even point out "see, I've changed, now it's YOUR 2rn!!"). best, -ol' 2long
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