This is the latest letter from my WW. It seems the fog is lifting a bit but there is a TON of work to be done. Our M/Sex life was never great to begin with. We are still together but kind of running in place. We haven't been intimate for 6 months now--it'skilling me.

From WW:
Actually, I thought I was getting a little better until the last two weeks. But, with the baby sick last week, I didn't get any sleep and I was stressed/crabby/tired, and this week I haven't felt so well. My sinus infection is giving me a huge headache, plus I've been working my butt off to play "catch up" at D******.

I know you can't help yourself, but if I'm tired or non-communicative, please don't "read into it". Some days are better than others; as I'm sure you can agree with.

I have wanted to talk to you, but I don't find it easy to bring up the conversations like you do. I told myself that I was going to try to make this marriage work if I can and just see where it takes us. I have been trying to be friendlier to you and not so "distant", and focus my energy on the kids, K**** and D****'s birthdays, and fixing our house up. I thought these things would take my mind off of everything else that is going on and
hopefully give us back some "normalcy" in our lives. It works sometimes,
but at other times, it's a struggle.

You have been amazing through all of this, Bob. And I want you to know that I appreciate all you've done and continue to do. I know it's hard for you to get through the day living under these conditions. It's not a walk in the park for me, either, just so you know. I have feelings of doubt, frustration, confusion, all of the time. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make it all better. But...I know I'm the only one who can do that.

When you left me the "messages in a bottle" the other day, that was very nice and very romantic. Most women would have melted. I, unfortunately, had mixed emotions about it. Which is why I didn't respond. I know you want to be intimate with me again and you are taking "baby steps" to make that happen. But, truthfully, I'm not there yet. And I can't say when I will be. I'm not having intimate feelings for you, Bob. WHICH IS WHY ALL OF THIS STARTED IN THE FIRST PLACE...AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY!

I need to talk to my counselor again because it's been a while. We actually talked this morning so I can go see her again. I tried to get in tomorrow, but she can't see me until Tuesday.

I haven't talked to or seen R****, so it's not because of him. I want you to know that my relationship with him is 100%, completely OVER. He should not be of concern to you anymore. I'm PROMISING you that!!!

While we're on the subject of him, I really would like it if you would get rid of all of the "affair" literature. It is just a constant reminder to me, and you, of what happened. I don't think we need it "in our faces" on a daily basis. You did your reading and that's great if that's what you felt you need to do. But I don't think books are going to fix this. Our hearts will fix this when and if they are able.

So...that's where I'm at. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but something you needed to hear. I just want you to know I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm taking baby steps in my healing process and will continue counseling to help me figure things out. I don't think I'm quite ready for marriage counseling yet, but I will let you know when I think I am. I think I have some issues I still need to deal with alone.

You're an amazing man and, you're right...you are stronger than I ever gave you credit for. I don't know what's going to happen to us...only time will tell. But, if you can, please try to continue to be patient with me. I'm dealing with things as best as I know how. If you can't or don't want to, that's something you need to decide.

So, as far as my lack of communication is concerned, it's only because I don't want to tell you hurtful things. I've hurt you enough and I don't want to do it anymore.

I'll talk to you this weekend. Maybe we can get a babysitter and go out and
talk or just go get a bite to eat and a movie and just "hang out". Maybe
you can call your mom or I can call L*****. I'll let you decide if that's
something you want.

Love,
***

Sounds very promising! Try to go out and just have some fun, and hang out.

That sounds like stuff my FWH wrote to me at the earliest stages of our recovery. It is eerie. He said the same things! About the affair literature, not what I wanted to hear but need to hear, feelings aren't there, working on M to see where it leads, etc.

I agree with Believer, I think it sounds promising. All part of a process, that is on no particular time-table, unfortunately.

Take care of yourself, and have hope. Miracles happen, and these things can and do often work out.

SS

Hi IGP,

On the surface,it looks to me like your WW is full of self doubts but it's understandable if you had another DDay just back in March.She sounds like she is in withdrawal too despite her proclaimations of it being over(A).I assume a NC letter was sent?

The obvious need I think here is that your WW needs to get into the couseling that you both need.She should realize that she doesn't have to feel "ready" to be in counseling but that it will help her to get there and into a better recovery.

If she is going to wallow in her depression and doubt without taking ACTION then she is setting herself up for trouble.The reminders of the A books too is making me think that she is not actively taking a cold hard look at her past actions and making the necessary changes.I just don't want your WW to think,as my WH does,that she is going to be able to figure this all out on her own.She can't,not something of this magnitude.

But you know,recovery is very difficult and I don't think I have read about anyone being happy as clams while they go through this so some of what your WW is feeling I am sure is par for the course.If you really feel that things have not progressed then maybe it's time to change the treatment plan.What exactly is YOUR plan by the way?

O

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 01:26 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

IGP,

I think this is a very encouraging letter.

I'm the one who does all the reading in our house. H has only opened one book after I asked him, repeatedly, to read it with me. It's lain dormant for 2+ months now (we're still in the beginning chapters, too) and I'm getting antsy...

Anyway, if the Affair Literature is as important to you as it is to me, I'd kind of panic at having to give it up. It helps me feel normal. It gives me direction.

I can understand that your W's guilt probably makes her cringe whenever she sees those books. I personally keep my books out of site - in a bedside table or something - and read them when I'm by myself. H knows I have them, but I don't put them "in his face". Maybe this is something you could do. Could you POJA it with your W?

Take her up on that offer to get a babysitter and go out!!!