Has anyone ever made the dreaded phone call to the OM/OW's spouse? How did you do it? What did you say? What was the fallout? (short and long term)

Practically everyone here has made that dreaded phone call, or in person visit. I went over to my WH's OW's house and spoke to her WH. He had no idea that he had been cheated on for the whole time he was in Iraq. Now we are good friends.

They may try to argue and not believe you or just about anything.
Just keep is simple and stick to the facts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zippyTWM:
<strong> Has anyone ever made the dreaded phone call to the OM/OW's spouse? How did you do it? What did you say? What was the fallout? (short and long term) </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well as a matter of fact....

I had my WH, Mr. Pep, call OW's husband ... and arrange a meeting at a local coffee shop. And the 3 of us sat together while my WH confessed to his friend (OW's H) that Mr. Pep was having an affair .... "I have been having an A with your wife ***** for 1 and 1/2 years. I am so sorry."

This was my boundary. I would never regain respect for Mr. Pep if he did not act like a man and face the consequences of his betrayal to his friend.

That was over 8 years ago.

We are doing great. It worked for us. it ended the affair immediately. Mr. Pep could start respecting himself THAT day.

Pep

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

The OW in my case is a single mom, and former supposed "best friend." I had no BS to contact! Instead, if she hadn't backed away from my man when she did, my next step was to call her mother, who I was pretty good friends with, also.

This last communication with OW regarding her mother was the last straw - she ran for the hills and dumped my H on his face.

Mission accomplished! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SS

If you are contemplating this, and you should, whatever you do, DO NOT alert your WS that you're gonna do it.

Reason: your WS will alert the OP who will warn his/her BS that "some crazy person may call you with an absurd story that I'm having an affair with their husband/wife!!! Isn't that wild??? Some people will do just about ANYTHING!!!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Go to the post linked in my sig line below, and to all the imbedded posts. One is about informing the OP's spouse.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> If you are contemplating this, and you should, whatever you do, DO NOT alert your WS that you're gonna do it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> you say don’t alert the WS but the message of the link advocates that it is BEST when the WS tell the OM/OW’s spouse. How does that happen?

zippy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am confused you say don’t alert the WS but the message of the link advocates that it is BEST when the WS tell the OM/OW’s spouse. How does that happen? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If the WS has decided to end the A and work on the M, then the act of telling the OM/OW's spouse is an indication of sincerity. It also indicates willingness to accept responsibility for poor choices and make amends to the extent possible.

However, if the WS is still involved with the OP, then the BS does the exposure.

Sorry for the confusion, but these two instances are in differernt contexts.

It IS best when the WS tells his/her OWN spouse they are having an affair.

This is the ideal, and very rare, situation. I presume you're referring to arguments in one of those links by those who were trying to argue that the responsibility for telling an unsuspecting BS of an affair rests with that BS's WS. Of course it does! But how many of these alien abductees are being responsible?

My advice to you was to not tell YOUR WS that you're going to tip off the OP's BS - because then the warning will go out.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong> ...This is the ideal, and very rare, situation. I presume you're referring to arguments in one of those links by those who were trying to argue that the responsibility for telling an unsuspecting BS of an affair rests with that BS's WS. Of course it does! But how many of these alien abductees are being responsible?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see; I misunderstood. It is so hard to keep things straight these days. Thanks for the laugh (alien abductees). I want to run this by the MC before I make my final decision.

By all means, seek the advice of your MC.

And please tell us what he/she says.

Sophia told me that she was telling her H about her relationship with my H. She did, as a matter of fact, say that she had gotten too good friends with him and they had decided to part ways. She didn't say they had started kissing.

Several months later, after Tom had broken my arm when we argued about her, he brought up wanting to go to a department party she would be attending. I called. I told him what I knew, much of it dating back several months.

He got the truth out of her that they had been having an affair for 8 months.

Wow, Cherished, our situations and familys are almost a clone. Thanks for the info. I will be making the decision soon.

Zippy -

When you do decide to contact OW's BS please remember to stay calm. The best thing I did when I spoke to OW's BS was to show that I was upset (I couldn't hide that) but I remained calm and offered proof enough so that he could not deny what I was telling him. I also told him about this site so that he too could seek help for his marriage.

Have a plan for this confrontation and stick to it. I wouldn't recommend developing a friendship but exchange phone numbers and offer to help keep tabs on the 2 WSs by speaking periodically. This would be a good step if either of you have any doubts that the A is over.

I hope you are in Plan A now. Stick to that and expect this confrontation to rock the boat. Exposure to my FWS's OW's BS was the breaking point for my recovery. I hope it will do the same for you.

Sending you prayers and {{{hugs}}}.