i was just thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. i have not seen many posts from you lately, hopefully that just means all is well.

i have not posted much cuz all is not so well, i turned 41 on tues. b-day was nice, H and kids had lunch with me, then H had to go to his mom's house to do something that took longer than he thought, he caught up with us at the movie theater, we saw the 10pm showing of Harry Potter. it was late when we got home, kids gave me presents and cards, H gave me card, signed his name but did not put "dear Karen" in it like he usually does, later told me it was hard picking out a card. I had 3 glasses of wine and fell asleep very quickly.

to me it feels like we are moving farther apart everyday. and i fear i am just making things worse by trying so hard. you all keep telling me patience, take a break, just work on self, don't worry about relationship, to me that feels like to do those things is giving up. i am trying to see it differently, that it is not giving up (even if it does feel like giving up) that it is actually giving him what he needs. space and time. time to let him sort this out and really decide what he wants.

IC said that H has to do his own work. she also said it might be that he will not do it, he may not be able to deal with this. to date he is not reaching out externally for any sort of help (not reading books, not wanting to go to any C for himself). he is internalizing it all and hoping time will make it go away. but time alone won't do it. she says he is a person that is very closed, emtionally, that was apparent when we were doing MC with her before.

it feels like history is repeating itself. IN 1988, when he only thought i cheated on him, he stuffed it all and didn't really deal with it until i decided to divorce him, then he openned up to me, of course he didn't know a real A had just started. and then i was not able to deal with it all and just kept making things worse for over 2 yrs. now i am here and he is once again gone. IC suggested i set a time table (since H does not have one) we agreed on 6 months from d-day is a good amount of time to wait without panicing. (which is probably what i am doing) and to use that time to really focus on stabilizing me emotional well being.

so i have decided to just focus on enjoying kids, too much time has been wasted, they are getting older everyday (luckily i am not!). I am also finally jogging again on a regular basis. I did a 3K run with son over memorial day weekend and that gave me a jump start. i got a blister on my ankle and had to take a few days off but I am back at it now. It does feel good. I have missed jogging. i like to go at night in the dark, it is very peaceful in the neighborhood then.

guess i had more to say than i thought. let me know how you are doing if you want.

FL...I'm sure that Roman will be here soon but I wanted to say hi and I'm sorry that H seems to be holding his feelings in but manifesting them in ways such as on your birthday. There is nothing else that you can do to take back what has been done. What's done is done and he needs to commit as you have to rebuilding the marriage. It sounds to me like he is kind of wrapped up in his own feelings right now and not considering yours. Situations like this is what leads a lot of spouses to A's to start with! If his intention is to make you pay then you have already paid more than he will ever know. No one but the WS understands that!! No one can punish you any worse than you have punished yourself.

Can you have a heart to heart with him and tell him exactly how you feel? That you are unsure and scared about the outcome of things because of some of his actions and maybe he can in turn tell you what's on his mind and heart. Men, as a rule, are very hard to get to open up about their feelings. My H has opened up to me to this day but he doesn't say or do things to make me believe that he still holds it against me. He has seen how much I have beat myself up about everything and I guess feels like there is no reason to add to that.

I'm praying for you and your H. I'm here if you ever need to talk, ok?

God Bless

FL..I need to start proof reading my posts before I send. ***My H hasn't opened up to me** not has!!

Lisa, thanks for the response. I am very down right now, discouraged. I am so sick of seeing all these H that are dealing with this issue and not shutting their WW out so much.

yes i know my case is different, i continued A while he wanted to work on marriage. i should of come clean so much sooner.

when i started A i was just in so much pain about my Dad, about work and i believed the marriage was over. it was a dumb thing to do but i so desperately needed something to keep me from falling back into depression so deep that i wanted to kill myself and this person made me feel good, made me feel special and made me laugh.

when H then decides to believe that i had been faithful and that he wants to work on marriage, I just wanted to scream at him. I was so angry, I could not work on marraige then, it was too late now, i HAD cheated on him. my heart was so gone.

whats the point of even talking about this anymore. i am very glad to have found this site, it really has helped me grow. and i am glad so many couples are working thru their issues and getting stronger inspite of the infidelity. my story may just have a different ending.

i am not saying i am giving up. i'm not looking to leave, i'm not looking to get my needs met by someone else (at times it is tempting to call OP just to say hi and see how he is doing, but there really is no point to do that and can only lead to bad stuff, i certainly don't want to have to hide anything from H and I don't want to hurt him further by having contact.) C told me yesterday it certainly sounds like you are back to how things were when i made decision to cheat the first time. it is true he is back to being distance, but I am not in same place. I am a different person and I won't make the same choices.

H didnt do anything wrong on my b-day, he had to do what he had to do at his mom's house. he didn't think it would take that long.

He really has no idea as to how much the A has hurt me too, my soul. but that is not his concern. i made my choice and i have to deal with consequences on my own. that is just how life is.

thanks for the advice of having a heart to heart but i really think i just have to back completly off and internally move on. i will stay available to him, but until 6 months after d-day, i will not say anything more to him unless he wants to talk. i will just work around this nasty elephant between us.

but i don't see how i can pretend i am happy about it. i hate the idea of going on meds, i'll feel like such a loser again (no offense to anyone on them!!). i don't know, i'm try to open up to idea.

it rained last night so i could not jog, i'm going to jog this morning now instead. i ended up working a 12-hour day yesterday, i'm going in a bit late this morning.

thanks again for your response. it is hard for me to reach out right now. i don't know why, cuz that is exactly what i need really. maybe i just don't want to feel good with a marriage that is so messed up?

Roman,

We miss you!

fl...i know what you mean about finding it hard to go on AD's. I fought it for a long time but someone gave me good advice there. The person with high blood pressure or high chlosetrol or any other medical condition takes their daily medication because it's necessary to maintain their health and your mental health is very important too. It may be that just your perspective is off and that can effect everything in your life, believe me I know. Maybe you only need to go on meds for just a little while to get over this hump. I will continue taking Lexapro as long as necessary. I don't want to get back to the state that I was in before.

i hear what you are saying but it is so shameful now. my IC cannot perscribe meds, who do i go to and what do i tell them?

FL,
HBD! Hey, sounds like you need a friend or two, or twenty! I'd say this is the right place to come to for friends! I am very sorry to hear of your heartache and it seems that you know all the right answers, but it is a different thing to live them. I can tell you the depth of the pain and how it is handled by the BS varies. I don't know why, but I'm sure personalities have alot to do with it. There is not alot you can do except ride it out. Both of you will have good and bad days. Somtimes the good days will fall together. Win-win.

I think for you, keep working on getting OM out of your head. Remember, he is the lesser desire and ultimately a terrible choice for you. I know you know this and am confident you will do the right thing even when rejected. You see there is a greater power leading your life now. Keep submitting to God. He is the healer and promises to heal us. Your H may even see you as a hypocrite b/c you seek God now, but eventually he will see the change in you. You will become salt and light to him. Your true heart's desire is for your H, he will not change much until he sees your changes as permanent and that will take a what seems to be a very long time.

How am I? Funny you should ask. I have been very busy with family and business committments, so I have not been around for a couple of days. However, we had a setback with contact by my W after 5 months of NC. Very disapointing in that aspect, but not totally unexpected. After reading about the other FWW's, I understand how it happens and why. Well the good news is that we are sending an NC letter and this may have been the wake up call my W needed. She even took the SAA book. I will request other consessions, but I knew in time we would get to this point. So please say a prayer or two for us this weekend. This may be the turning point in our recovery 10 months after dday.

The encouraging thing is that the last year or so of plan A type activity(I was in plan A before dday) has paid off and she even admitted that I am in her heart, its just her head is not in the same place. I'll take the heart over the head any day. Anyway, there is alot more to come from this saga. The amazing thing for me is that I feel much more confident than anytime since dday. I am focused on God's will and fighting for this marriage. I feel that once all the barriers come down, we have a real chance for a great future. I know it will take time and patience.

So don't beat yourself up, its not productive or good for your M. I wish I could tell you the depression will end soon, but you know by now it will not. Just keep deepening your R with God and your family. Keep looking for opportunities to meet your H's EN's, he will eventually soften and forgive. You feel miles apart now and I'm sure he feels the same way, so you will have to be the one to reach out to him. You will feel the sting of rejection and when you do, go to the Lord and he will be there for you. He will provide the grace for you to endure it.

Just keep hanging in there, you are doing your best. It will get better. And don't forget to smile, Christ's Love, Roman

Loy,
I missed you gals too! Thanks for being a friend, Roman

Roman,

nice to hear from you. I will certainly keep you and your W in my prayers this weekend. It must of been very disappointed to have her contact OM but it sounds like she understands it was not a good idea. Did she tell you about the contact herself or did you find out on your own. I hope she was able to tell you herself. It is great that a NC letter is now being sent, and she is reading SAA. I think you guys are going to really make it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Keep working on getting OM out of your head </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this of course is good advice. i am tempted more lately just to say hi, see how he is doing. But there is absolutely no reason to worry about how he is doing. His life is going on, as is mine. It was never a situation where we wanted to build a future together. It is over. Nothing for me there, never was.

that fact actually makes me feel even more pathetic. Most WW thought they were in love with the person they were with. I don't fit. I read after the affair, the part that talked about how the BS is feeling describes my H, the part that talked about the WS, does not fit me at all. I must admit i only skimmed the part on the WS.

i am not looking forward to the weekend. i don't know how to be around him without feeling so bad. but that is exactly what i have to do, which means putting up a wall between him and my heart. but doing it without him knowing.

that sounds like such a stupid plan. how is that going to help. i can't be happy if i don't feel happy!! not unless i isolate away from him and just have fun with the kids.

and i hate having so many posts that sound so down!!!

i will not start to think about divorce or seperating or anything like that. I just wont. that will only hurt him more. but in my heart, i really don't think we will ever be truely happy while together. it is only a matter of time.

sorry roman, no smiles here

Dear Finally Learning,

I just wanted to say hello and to say how much you have encouraged me (probably without even realising it).

Before I actually joined MB's a couple of days ago, I was a constant visitor to the site. I have followed your posts from the beginning, because your confession to your husband happend shortly after mine.

I have read of your struggles, and admired you so much for how you are coping in your situation, when your husband is not dealing with things and coping perhaps as well as mine is.

I totally understand that you must be 'sick' of reading about other husband's who are being totally supportive and letting their WW's open up to them however they choose to.

I am sorry. I am having an 'easier' time through this in one way.Roman has a point. Perhaps it does have something to do with various personalities.

My husband is a naturally laid back and easy going man. He understands that by letting me open up and discuss things, ultimately is better for him too, because it aids my healing and gives me a vent.

I know I am lucky in this respect. My feelings of guilt and remorse and getting through withdrawal from OM are still very real and hard to me.

I just want you to know I have really admired you from the first post you did about your confession and everything you have posted. Your honesty and willingness in sharing what you have done has helped me tons before I even came on this site.

Please 'bear' with me as I seek to be restored in God. Am truly sorry if I have upset you in any way though and contributed to your feeling down because of what I have shared about my H.

Take care, and I am really praying for you.

Kas

FL,(I actually posted this to you on my Great weekend thread but not sure if you'll gp back).

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time right now in recovery. It's so hard to remember the beautiful things in life while your hurting, or to diminish the positive things that happen to us.

Why do negative things have such a strong influence and impact? I've been trying to build a mental list of positive things in my M to use as a antidote against my depressing or dreary thoughts. Yet sometimes I almost miss recognizing a positive sign (like WH gave me a longer peck on the lips than usual Sunday and I almost disregarded it) but I can pick up a negative sign from 100 yards away. I do not want my negative thoughts to navigate my life.

It's been interesting lately, the more I focus on being a better wife and being a better me, the more I seem to contribute to my WH's recovery. And I seem to be thinking less about the A.

I really admire your courage and honesty. Oh, and happy birthday.

Roman,

Wow. You are handeling the break of NC very well. I'm afraid of WH having to learn this lesson. I'd rather have him learn this lesson now than wait for it. I would like my WH to seriously think of how he's going to protect himself from resuming an A. The fact that you are both working through this together is great.

Roman, that's a nice name for a boy....

Kas,

thanks for the post. i am very happy that your H is dealing with it better. I certainly don't wish anyone to have a harder time just because i am!!!!

your post made me feel good, really it did. no apologies needed at all.

i just wish i could share this website with H. i wish we could just share what all this has done to both of us. i feel so isolated from him. and i fear that if we never really share with each other, our marriage will never grow into something we are both truely happy with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My feelings of guilt and remorse and getting through withdrawal from OM are still very real and hard to me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it will get better. i am personally doing ok with withdrawal from OM. actually i think i am too depressed to really care too much about how he is doing. i do think of him some but like i said before, there is absolutely no reason for us to continue any kind of contact, we didn't know each other before this all started, we never really knew each other during and now its just over and gone. i must admit, writing that does make me feel sad.

it's all been such a waste, my life has been such a waste. ok, i'm going off deep end again!!!

this post was just meant to thank you for your post...

loy, you give me something to think about. i will try hard to find positives this weekend and really work on not feeling sad!!!

Dear Finally Learning,

Thanks for your reply. In a way it shows how God meant for me to discover this site and people like you who's posts I have followed over the months.

There may be many other visitors to MB's daily like I was who read posts yet are 'waiting' for a specific time to feel confident to join in.

it's all been such a waste, my life has been such a waste. ok, i'm going off deep end again!!!

I understand the feelings behind this quote you said. I sometimes get depressed because I realised the last 16 months my thought life, emotions and feelings were totally tied up to OM.

The amount of time I was giving in my feelings to him and how my day depended on how many txts/contact we had seems unbelievable now. Also the money I spent on my mobile (pay as you go).

i must admit, writing that does make me feel sad.

This I can relate to as well. Mixed emotions and trying to sort them out in order to move on...

I know my FOM is moving away from the area soon. He lives 5 mins from me near my MIL. Mixed emotions and more withdrawal in thinking about this at the moment..

I do hope and pray truly, that your husband will open up more and that things will work out.

Take care,

Kas


I read somewhere in the concepts of MBs that when it has ended you start to realise this.

I am just starting too.

fl..any md can prescribe meds if you decide to go on them. I'm praying for you and have had you on my mind over the last few days. FL...you will through this. I have had many set backs over the last year and I can empathize with you with having an H that will not open up about things. I have finally gotten to the point where I no longer am trying to control h or my m or anything or anyone else. I am working on me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and when I get me straight then I'll be stronger and more capable of handling these other situations!! Makes sense doesn't it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I find that to be my
epiphany that has totally changed my perspective. I pray that you will see this too FL.

Thanks Kas and Lisa for your posts.

I have decided to try to talk to my ob/gyn about meds. she knows what is going on in my life, maybe that will work. I have to get my emotions under control. I will call her either mon or tues, promise.

thanks to so many of you that wont give up on me.

Dear FinallyLearning,

How are you getting on? You were going to see about your 'meds' tomorrow or Tues right?

Please let me know how you get on.

I am still in 'fog and cloud'(guess cuckoo too) land at the moment. Keep saying to myself I will read and not post, then as I read I wonder how others are getting on and so end up posting.

Can I ask you a personal question? Don't worry if you can't reply.

I have been reading all your threads as you know over the past weeks, and I wondered how things are going 'phys' now with your H?

Reason I ask is this. As a FWW I am struggling with it much and didn't know where or who to post to about this, then I remembered how you had shared things in the past so thought I would as if could offer me any help?

My main problem is this: Passion I felt for OM is so hard to forget...

Please help

Kas