I miss my WH. I haven't seen him since March, when I ran into him shopping with the OW. Last time I talked to him was May 14th.

Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call him. Sometimes I want to scream at him for putting me through this hell and sometimes I just want to tell him how much I love him and miss him.

Fourteen years together and this is the longest we ever been apart. I miss his voice, his touch , his companionship, etc. All the things the OW now has.

I'm trying to stay strong, by not calling him. We haven't had a relationship talk since March. It has been small talk and that's it.

When should I try to call him? When can I bring up our relationship and future again? Do I have to wait until the OW is out of the picture?

He has lost contact with his parents, he did email them a few months back, saying he is almost 40 and he wants control of his life and stay out of it. He always had a great relationship with his parents, which is now destroyed. My in-laws have been my rock through this. My MIL told me today to think positive thoughts and positive things will happen.

It pains me, we has such a close relationship, which is hard to believe with all the crap he has put me through.

I'm just afraid he has forgotten all about me. He has been my only love and I trusted him completely. I just want to talk to him about us, but I afraid he just blow me off.

If he is still with OW, stay dark. Otherwise you will be disappointed.

Sorry ... you are in such a hurting place.

For what it's worth......

I wouldn't contact your H.

I see no gain for you.

I WOULD, however, nurture the close , warm, affactionate relationship you enjoy with your inlaws.

Call them twice a week. Spend time with them.

This might be your ace in the hole.

Prayers for you.

Pep

<small>[ June 10, 2004, 07:53 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Let him miss you and grieve...he will. My brother (world renowed relationship expert) told me that when relationships end both H and W experience the pain of missing and grieving the end of the relationship. It's just that they go through that at different times...his time just hasn't come yet. Let it happen. Take care of you. (((((hugs)))))

Your message broke my heart! I usually stay in the divorced section, but happened over here today.
I agree with the above - stay dark. He will not be ready to discuss the R as long as he is with OW. If he wanted to discuss your R he would not still be with OW. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I only have a minute, but later today I will try to find a post that you need to read. It is from "LOSTVA". She does not lurk here any longer, that I know of, but she has a great story, which you need to hear. Great inspiration. Her H finally returned,after about a year and a half. She too went months without hearing from him. I have even emailed with her and she tells me that she never thought he would return - but he did.
My H and I are now divorced - so I am no expert at recovery. BUT I will say this - my H and OW are no longer together. Right now I could see where I could call him, perhaps invite him for dinner, maybe send him a card every now and then, and we could now work on our R. BUT after watching him and OW for the past year, I just can't bring myself to call him, or talk to him, or even look at him. What is my point?? Stay dark. Stay in plan B. It will help you later. The more you talk to him now, the more your anger will build, to the point where you don't want to work on it anymore.
Hang in there.
I will try to find the LOSTVA posts and give you the link later.
One last thing - one of the things LOSTVA said to me, that I suspect will apply to you too - is that there is generally some horrible event that has taken place in your H's life that has contributed to his current state of mind. She said that when a good man suddnely turns bad you can usually trace it back to some traumatic event. Then she shared her H's event with me - and I shared my H's event with her. I have never shared this here. it is too personal. But something happened a couple of years ago that made my H question everything he thought he knew about himself, and life in general. When he left for OW, I knew that day, that he was not running from me, he was running from his whole life. He too has lost his realtionships with family and friends.

I know deep down since he is still with the OW its best not to call him. That is what keeps me from actually picking up the phone. Its just hard sometimes, I want to share with him what happpen to me at work, things I read about, the funny thing our dog has done, etc.

My in-laws are great. My MIL told me today how much she loves and appreciated me. She also mentioned I will always be apart of the family. They are the only family I have. I do see them four times a week if they are not at their vacation home. There going back today and won't be back until the 4th. Then they wil be home until October. She also sent me a card last week, telling me whatever happens with my marriage, I will always have a big piece of her heart.

I'm hurting, but there is also a big void in my life without him. I know I'm strong, but I do have my weak moments, probably more since our anniversary is next month.

Its just the need to know where our realtionship is going, I guess its status quo until the OW leaves.

Ok, here is the link that I was talking about. It is a great, inspiratinal story. I think it will be a great help to you, especially in the coming month, when th IL's leave.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=004084

WOF5,
What a great thread. LostVa story was so inspiring. I have learn so much since January. I always thought my WH would be here for me. I trusted him completely and he made me promise many times in our marriage, that I would never leave him. I intend to keep the promise, even though he has left me.

He has never mentioned divorce, even though I have this feeling the OW is trying to get him to get a Dominician Divorce. She has been after him for years, she wants my in-laws money and lifestyle. She even though she had my in-laws in the palm of her hand. Taking them out to lunch, buying them flowers and trying to help my MIL plan my SIL baby shower.

My MIL is a good person, and tried to believe the best in OW after everything was revealed. All it took was one lie from the OW to open my in-laws eyes. They don't trust her and want her out of my WH life. They also can't understand why she is not working on her marriage, granted we don't know whats goes on in peoples marriages, but her H is a great guy.

I grew up as an only child. My dad died two months before I was born. My mother raised me alone. All my grandparents passed on. It was just the two of us. So when I married my H I had an instant family. It was a real adjustment. I never really saw how wonderful my H's family were until the A. Family is a blessing. I tended to see the negative in them, but now I see how wonderful and blessed I am to have them in my life.

When my mom passed away, my H became everything to me. H was my life and still is. I am strong and very independent because of my upbringing, but I depend on my H for all my emotional needs.

Since the A, I done so much reading. I learned so much what it takes to be a wife. I realize you have to work really hard to keep a marriage going. When my H lost his job, I took on the responsibility of being the bread winner, which took me away from the home. We used to take vacations, but last year with my work schedule we didn't. Boy now I wish I did. We needed to spend more time together.

My H is needy, he was raised with a stay at home mom and the first years of our marriage I was a stay at home wife. When I re-entered the work force. It took me away from him, that is when the OW step in to fill his needs, an opportunity she was waiting for.

I'm trying to work on myself, its the loneliness that is the killer and also the betrayal. My is WH is a wonderful man with a beautiful heart. A God-loving man. He told me God is taking him away from me and its God will that this has happen. Is this the fog talking? He thinks he is still the same person. The man I married would not have done this to me or even say cruel or nasty things to me. I know he must be hurting and unhappy, even though he found the "love of his life."

I just want to know where I stand. I still believe in my marriage, even though he says it hopeless. The thread gave me encouragement.

Its hard not having contact with him and even harder that he doesn't want to have contact with me. He makes me feel like I did the wrong doing.

I just got to stand strong and firm, but I do miss him.

I think what has drawn me to your post is how much you sound like I did - a year ago.
WH and I were best friends. we did everything together. I still can't beleive he was having an A - he was always with me. When did he have time?
I missed him terribly. I wanted to call him and share my day with him. After all, thats what friends do.
And his family backed me up the whole time. Still do. he basically walked away from his whole family. Did not talk to any of them for months. Many people tried to reach out - pastor, friends, the best man from our wedding. Everytime he said the same thing "my situation is different, you don't know me" and everytime people would try to contact him he would get mad - at me! He would call and scream at me for "sicking his friends on him"
"get over it" he would say. "Move on and find someone else all ready" OW even called and said "H and I are a couple now, you just need to get used to it." after 18 years of marriage, I was just supposed to get used to the idea of being "replaced" like this was some sort of high school romance????
Each conversation I had with him, was a knife in my heart. Every time I talked to him, and he told me that he was "happier now than he ever was before" or he told me "she loves him more than I ever could" I would lose a little more of my love for him. One day, he was mad at me becuase someone else tried to set up a lunch with him to talk, and he called the house, and left a screaming messge on my machine "NOW SO-AND SO IS MAD AT ME TOO BECAUSE OF YOU. I AM GOING TO BE WITH OW FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND YOU JUST NEED TO GET OVER IT"
Of course I had nothing to do with anyone trying to talk to him. These were just the actions of people who loved him and wanted to stop the speeding train wreck.
And now, he and OW are not togther anymore. So much for "the rest of his life"
and I have no interest in working things out. I can see where he would want to. He is no longer mean to me. Once he got out of the relationship with OW the fog began to lift, and I honestly don't think he has a clue how many nasty things he said and did to me. Why do they do it? To help relieve their own guilt. If they can provoke you to anger, they will be able to "prove" that they were right in leaving. he used to tell me that he couldn't wait to be rid of me so he could marry her. he said that she was the one God intended for him - that he made a mistake in marrying me. He was supposed to wait until he met her. Now he claims that he never said that. He claims that he never said he was going to marry her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Bt he did - many times. To other people besides me as well.
I could write a whole novel here on my experience, but I will keep it short (for now).Bottom line is this - the more I talked to him, the more I heard those nasty things, the more I lost my love for him. I knew I should have been in a solid plan B - but whenver he called, I answered the phone. When he stopped by, I talked to him. And grew further away from him. I wish I could bring myself to try to work things out now - even after the D - but just looking at him now makes me sick.
Stay dark. It will keep your heart protected for the work ahead of you. Recovery can come. Hang in there.
Your H is following the same script that they all do. You just need to sit back, with your popcorn, and watch the show. Recovery will come, and you need to be ready for it.
One last thing - don't beat yourself up becuase you 2 did not go on a trip togehter last year. life happens. It happens to all of us. We all have regrets - but that did not make it ok to have an A.
Also, don't beat yourself up for getting a job, and working to support the family!! You did the right thing.
Hang in there.
Please do something special for yourself this weekend.
you are a child of God - and God doesn't make mistakes!

Thanks for the encouraging words. I do beat myself up especially for the fact I knew the OW was trying to get into our lives for years. My WH even remembers me saying something about six or seven years ago about her. I just never thought this could happen. I trusted my H completely and he gave me no reason to mistrust him, but I should have listened to my instincts.

I had no clue there are women out there who would purposely destroy your marriage. This is a wake up call for me. God gave me instincts to protect my family, I should have listened.

My WH didn't really get angry at me telling his parents. I told him the reason I did was to protect them from her since she was after their money. At the time we were working at our marriage.

When I caught him with her, and I told his parents. He became furious at me. Saying I was making him choose between his family and the woman he loved. That is the only time he said he loved her to me and he did say it very quickly.

I started to expose the affair, but since he has become reclusive, I don't think he even knows. I haven't found the courage to tell his brother. His brother has just become a father and is so happy right now, after years of depression. I don't want to crush him, but I also know it will get a reaction from my WH. I am exposing to save my marriage, I am not longer going to be an enabler of the affair.

Throughout this mess, I have not been nasty. Once I called him a name and he left the house, couldn't deal with what he has become. Even when I ran into him with the OW, I didn't make a scene. Just said "how could you" and walked away. Didn't even say anything to the OW, just look her in the eye. She is not worth my time. He did call me sweetheart, I turn looked at him and continued walking.

The nastiness has stoppped since we have been talking small talk. He did ask me in our last conversation if I had a boyfriend? What nerve. He knows I'm going to be faithful to him.

I know he could never completely trust her, especially all the games she is playing and even trying to get pregnant. I made him aware of that, hopefully he is back using protection. I believe they are living together now. I never mention her in any of our conversations.

I'll stay dark, but as our anniversary nears its going to be harder. I was even wondering if I should send him card? I'm trying to live day by day. I wish the crying will stop. I have my good days and bad. I'm so thankful I found this site, I wish I found it sooner before the WH moved out, but everyone has been so honest and helpful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HopelesslyDevoted2:
<strong> I knew the OW was trying to get into our lives for years. My WH even remembers me saying something about six or seven years ago about her. I trusted my H completely and he gave me no reason to mistrust him, but I should have listened to my instincts.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, boy, HopelesslyDevoted.
You are telling MY story!

I also knew about ow - they knew each other before.........He admitted they "dated......" - but gave no other details. Since he was "mine" now, I didn't give it much thought when she started trying to get in touch w/him again. Nor when he said she came to his place of business (he wasn't there that day) on her day off work (A SIX-HOUR ROUND TRIP DRIVE). I should have heard the warning bells going off everywhere. DUH!

Listen, I don't know how much of my "story" you've ever read, but I'm going to hit the highlights here for ya:
When H moved out to be w/ow, his whole family was informed - BY HIM!!! A week after he left here, he attended a Memorial Day picnic at his brother's house WITH HER!!! They were all thrilled. OK, I don't know if they were thrilled, but at least they didn't argue w/him.....they welcomed her into his life!!! How would THAT make ya feel? After 20+ years of M. After having his two teen-aged, screwed up sons (that no one else in the family ever wanted to have) move in w/us years earlier - and WE straightened them both out! I get NO recognition from his family for MY "sacrifice" for his kids. Not that I saw it as a sacrifice. I love their dad, I love his sons.........but I was ALWAYS made to feel like an "outsider" - and NO ONE advocated for me when he left and div'd me.

In fact, he had already started the div. proceedings and hired an atty before he moved out, and I had no idea.

In a way, HE Plan B'ed ME! I mean, zero, zilch, NO CONTACT. NONE. He was gone. He was done. He was "divorced" already in his mind.

I found this place, and learned about Plan B. That he couldn't Plan B ME!! I had to Plan B him! Yeah, right. I learned I was supposed to be doing Plan A on him..........to negotiate the end of the A. Yeah, riiiiiiight!!

HE NEVER CALLED, DIDN'T TAKE MY CALLS ON HIS CELL, AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE HAD MOVED TO. He literally fell off the face of the earth.

Talk about feeling completely ABANDONED. I was. The div. proceedings continued, I stalled them (following advice from here), but eventually we ended up divorced.

I think this is one of the hardest places to be in. B/c other people at least talk to their S's!! They can SHOW their Plan A. I couldn't. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
But the other side of that coin in that this can also be a blessing........If your S isn't around, you can't do the wrong things!! You can't LB, you can't plead, beg, whine, demand, cry or any other such unbecoming behaviors. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Kind of a blessing in disguise. Since I had been SOOOO blind-sided, I was angry.......no, angry doesn't even come CLOSE! I was such a mess, it was a good thing!! I know I FOR SURE would have driven him off permanently if we'd had any contact during that time.

Hun, that went on for a total of THREE YEARS!! THREE years with less than one hour of contact.

I didn't know what was going on. I PRAYED they weren't M'd yet. But I had no way of knowing. I had NO contact from his family at all. THEY weren't advocating for ME!! They were happy with the new arrangements. His children, while they MAY love me somewhat, still had to align with their blood relative.........I lost ALL my family when he left.

OK, not MY family, but the children, IL's, etc that I had worked for 20 years to build with him........they all stayed loyal to the blood.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I'll stay dark, but as our anniversary nears its going to be harder. I was even wondering if I should send him card? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ABSOLUTELY, RESOUNDINGLY - NO!!!!!!!!!

If you are in Plan B, then you know the answer to this is NO! Going/staying dark means staying completely DARK.

Hopelessly, listen, this has to go through all the motions......it just does. There's NOTHING you can say or do to him that will burst the bubble of FOG he's in. It just ain't gonna happen. We ALL have to learn that lesson........out anniversaries, birthdays, etc. All dates they WILL work hard to forget. That's hurtful, but when they are in the fog, they just don't THINK about what they are doing to us.

Life is soooooo much more peaceful once you realize that Plan B is to protect you! Just enjoy your solitude now. Read whatever you want, re-decorate your house, or YOURSELF!!!(That's what *I* did!!!)

One thing I know that happened to me was, I would go so long, and then believe I was "ready" for him to come home..........so I'd start feeling all down, lonely, etc. WISHING, HOPING, I could call him and convince him to come home, and see the "new me." "I could handle it now," I reasoned. Then something would happen, and I would blow off again with same old habits, and then I would realize I hadn't "changed" as much as I thought I had!!
Back to the drawing board. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sooooooo, I basically built myself a "new life." Really, never gave up hope they would reach a time and place where they "tired" of each other.......and he would emerge out of the fog, and BEG to come home, but I didn't know for sure it would happen. I didn't hear anything. Nothing. And nothing to give me HOPE that it would happen. Just my own hope, and the stats on this website which claim most affairs (like 97%) DO end.

Then - an incident SO bizarre happened, it doesn't even appear in ANY stats!! My H's ow died. Yup. DEAD.

THAT must have brought him out of the fog. I can only imagine the day he was just sitting there - all by his lonesome self.......not knowing which end of his so-called "happy" life was up..... Soooooo, he called me. And we've been talking ever since...........

Yeah, it's not the solution any of us want (althought I suspect one we'd all wish for sometimes!) But, whatever it took, the point is, he's out of the fog NOW!!!

AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD HAVE DONE TO SPEED THE PROCESS.

Nothing.

Please just concentrate on YOU for now.

God Bless,

HoplesslyDevoted... I'm praying for you. The first prayer I've said for someone other than my family for over a month. It actually feels good to do it.

And I read and saved the post from LostVa, I needed that today. I really really needed that.

I guess staying dark means not sending an anniversary card. He did call me back in April, to say he remember that this is day he ask me to marry him. If he remembers that day, he has to remember our anniversary.

I still wear my wedding ring, I couldn't even imagine taken that off. I'm still married. I still can't believe he ask me if I have a boyfriend? Just because you are separated doesn't mean you can date. One of the qualities he loved about me was my loyality. He always admired that about me, I was loyal to my husband, family, friends and my favorite baseball team (win or lose <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) He can't say that about the OW, and if he does the fog must be very thick. Especially she was cheating on her H with him.

I still have all the pictures of us around the house. Sometimes I smile when I see them and sometimes I breakdown and cry. I even want to throw them against the wall or burn them, but I tell myself I would regret it later.

I go through so many emotions but my love is always there. It is so painful when you make a lifetime commitment and one day they can just walk out on you without any contact.

I just miss him so, I hope "absence makes the heart grow fonder", than "out of sight, out of mind"

I know after fourteen years together, he has to miss me some.

I emailed my WH today.

His grandfather celebrated his 90th birthday. Both of us sent gifts, of course I signed his name to the gift, I don't know if he did the same.

The reason why I signed his name. We both agree early on we were not going to tell him. He has had triple by-pass surgery and his health is ailing. He is close to death and he doesn't need to be told of our separation.

I emailed him because he grandfather is a smart man, he is going to figure out something is up if we are sending gifts separately and I'm signing my WH name. Father's day is coming up and I want to know how to handle it. I said if I don't hear from him by tomorrow I'm signing only my name. Was I too harsh?

Did I do the right thing? We agree when we separated I was going to handle the cards and gifts for his grandfather. Granted he should send something to him, but let me know. Maybe I could have left the gift out for him to pick up and he could have sent the gifts together.

I shouldn't have not contact my WH, but what should I have done? I thought email was the best way to handle it, instead of calling him. I want to stay in the dark.