hi, i am fairly new here, for i found out on apr. 30 that my husband had slept with someone else. i posted on the "just found out" board, but didn't get many responses. i got a phone call that evening froma girl saying "you don't know me i thought you should know that i slept with your husband." i literally threw the phone at him and yelled "what the *@!% is going on." he acted like he didn't know what i was talking about at first then he just started bawling. he admitted to it and i made him leave. the next day he called to see if he could come home so we could talk. he had slept with this girl after a radio show(he done a local show 1 night a week)he said it meant nothing, that she came on to him. the thing is, it happened again, a week later, but with someone HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. some girl had shown up at the station, and he ended up sleeping with her too. that is the part i really can't get over. how can you feel soooo guilty, but turn around and do it again? i just don't understand. he said he knows he screwed up, and that he will do whatever it takes to work this out. i agreed, not only because i love him, and missed him so much the 1 night he was gone, but also because we have a 3 year old daughter together. he quit the radio show, and said he was willing to do anything else he needed to do. he seems very sorry, and he tells me that every night he hugs and kisses us goodnight, he thanks God that he has a second chance. i just can't stop thinking WHY?, AND WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN? i couldn't go through this again. it hurts so much, and i think about it every day. i should say that we had been going through a rough time for about 2 months before and during the time these both took place. he said he thought i wanted out of the marriage, but a week before i found out, we had talked, and realized that all the problems were based around money, him losing his job, not helping around the house, or with our daughter. all little things that we shouldn't have let get in the way.
anyways, he says that the reason she called and told me about it was because she came to the radio station the week later, and wanted it again (this was after we had our talk) and told her to leave him alone, that he had made a mistake, so she was mad.
sorry if it seems like i'm rambling on and on, i just don't have anyone to talk to about this (b/c we don't want many people to know, we want to try to work through it w/o all the judgement from family and friends). i just wanted to get it all out. if anyone has any comments, orwords of encouragement, i could surely use it right now. thanks so much, julie

You two have to get marriage counseling and right away if you want to have any chance to get through this. What your husband did was the worst type of betrayal, and you will not get over this without help. It is alright to feel angry, sad, hurt, furious, whatever. Don't fight the feelings but be careful how you deal with them. Best of luck to you and especially that child of yours.

You two have to get marriage counseling and right away if you want to have any chance to get through this. What your husband did was the worst type of betrayal, and you will not get over this without help. It is alright to feel angry, sad, hurt, furious, whatever. Don't fight the feelings but be careful how you deal with them. Best of luck to you and especially that child of yours.

heartbroken,

You are in a very painful place. Fortunately you have found Marriage Builders.

I think it is very good that you and your H are talking. You seem to be doing a good job analyzing the state of your M shortly before the A. You'll want to correct those problems, of course.

You'll also want to learn how to recognize problems *before* they become severe, so that they can be addressed early.

You'll want to learn how to communicate and negotiate effectively with your spouse.

Please purchase "Surviving An Affair" and read it with your H. Be sure to answer all the questions. This will help you both understand how things got so bad in the M, and how to make your M stronger and happier than it was before.

You and your H have a long and difficult road ahead of you - measure it in months or years, not days or weeks. It is far superior to divorcing, though, and from what you've written it sounds like you two will do well.

I understand what you mean about not wanting all your friends and acquaintances to know. I didn't want others to know either - I didn't want people judging my H negatively. Please continue to post here with your questions, your growth, your setbacks, and your musings.

turtlehead, thanks for your reply. it makes me feel good to know that you think there is hope for us. what he says to me is so thoughtful and sincere, and i feel like we will be ok, but it is such a painful thing to go through and i just don't want to be hurt again. i agree with what you said about fixing the problems. we have talked in the last few weeks more than we have in the past year. we were really drifting apart, and we weren't realizing that. he plays guitar and writes music, and when we were talking he started crying and said he wanted to show me something. he had writtena song about two months before the A. the title was "sinking". it was about how much he loves me but he don't know what i want anymore, and everytime he tries to understand, he feels like i am drifting, and he is sinking. he wrote this because this is how he was feeling.
like i said, we have talked so much, and i told him that we both need to communicate when we are feeling like something is wrong, instead of holding it in.
i am definitely going to purchase that book you recommended as soon as i can. we have a strong will to make this work, and we'll do whatever we can to get through this together.
thanks again, and also good lick to you and your H, i'm sorry we are both in this situation, but if you ever want to talk, i'm not going anywhere for a while. thanks so much, julie

Well, Heartbroken, I agree with the message from turtle. Despite how you feel (and we've all felt that horrible fear and pain) you are reall doing the right things.

Talking is great. Focusing on your child works when things get really bad. I know that if it hadn't been for the kids, my H would have been out on his a$$ when I first felt that pain. And you don't need to trust him right now. He needs to do a lot of work to regain any trust, and that takes a lot of time.

Counseling is great, if you possibly can. I realize money may be a problem, but you can always read the books together and talk as a beginning.

And spending a LOT of time together, and as a family will make a lot of difference to your sense of security. Doing dishes together. Making the bed together. Cooking together. It will seem like overkill at first, but eventually it feels safe. Then pleasurable. Then you start to heal.

Be patient with yourself. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I had to grow up a lot. (And antidepressents didn't hurt either!) Come back here as much as you need. It's a good choice not to tell a lot of people. You'll be happy about this later.

See you soon...

thanks gayle,
you all are really helping me to feel better about things. i felt like i had no one to turn to, but since i found MB i feel like i'm talking to my best friends. it really helps a lot.
i'm happy that your recovery is going well. thanks for all the advice, believe me i need it. you take care, and post if you need to talk. thanks a lot, julie

Heartbroken, I am guessing that you are working and H is unemployed right now. Is this right? What are the logistics of spending time together? Are you doing things as a family right now? I know there isn't much you can do with a three-year-old, but I'll help with suggestions if I can.

heartbroken - Yes, you have found us, and we will help you through this. Your situation sounds very promising to me. Keep posting and learning. You will find that YOU will change.

hi guys, i'm sitting here with a smile on my face, b/c all your posts are so nice.
gayle, sorry, i should have given a better desciption of our situation. my husband lost his job of 6 yrs. in aug. 03, due to the business closing. he was unemployed and in jan. he started a computer course to get a degree in computer repair and tech. (this is where he met the 1st girl) he just got a job at an office supply store at the beginning of may.
i am a nursing student (got accepted to the program in april), and i work prn(as needed) at a local hospital. i work as a nurse tech, in postpartum/pediatrics.
i am currently out of school for the summer, but H goes all year, so we have evenings and weekends together.
we are down to 1 vehicle at the moment, so a friend takes him to school, and i take him to work. i'm not getting in a hurry to get the other car fixed b/c this way i feel like i always know where he is. (does that sound mean?)
but yea, we see each other when we can, and we have been doing much more as a family(since the A)
well, thanks for lifting my spirits a little, and thanks for being here. (if you have any more ?'s don't be afraid to ask)
julie

Originally posted by heartbroken216:
1. he had slept with this girl after a radio show(he done a local show 1 night a week)he said it meant nothing, that she came on to him.

2. the thing is, it happened again, a week later, but with someone HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW. some girl had shown up at the station, and he ended up sleeping with her too.

I'm sorry you are here. This is the right place to be.

Something troubles me however....

Two separate incidents, two separate girls ... within a week...

Here is my (upsetting but necessary) question:

~How do you know these are the only 2 times?~

These are the only 2 times you know about!!

I think there may be a deeper issue here. Perhaps a sexual addiction? I don't know, of course, but the "quickies with strangers" is more often a sexual addiction issue than other types of affairs. I would investigate this more.

Would your H take a lie detector test to see if there have been others?

He said he'd "do anything".... would he do this?

The reason this is important...

If there IS sexual addiction... he needs therapy NOT marriage counseling.

Big difference.

Pep

I almost forgot...

as a nurse I am sure you already know this...

but just in case you forgot while under all the emotional turmoil...

BOTH of you get tested for every STD. Get 2 HIV tests a few months apart.

Pep

hi pep,
we have both been tested 1 time, and ina week or so we are going to get tested again. the thing about the A'S, the first girl he knew from school. she is in a business course, and he had mentioned that they needed a "phone person" for the station. she offered to do it. she had been working there for a few months, so i guess he knew her a little, but he says he didn't know she felt anything for him.
for the second girl, i don't know what the heck he was thinking, or if he was at all. he says she had came to the station a few other times, just to hang out with bands that would come in and promote shows. the night it happened everyone was drinking, and he says "it just happened".
i want to believe those ae the only two. the one who called was the 1st girl. that is all i knew about b/c i made him leave, and when he came home and we "talked", he told me about the other one. he said he told me because he wanted to be totally honest about everything. i asked him if he would have ever told me, and he said he wanted to. he had been going to bed later, getting up earlier, hadn't really been eating a whole lot, and he said that was b/c the guilt was eating him up.
anyways, i want to believe this is all just b/c of the fact that he told me about the 2nd one, when he didn't have to. i proably would have never known.
i just still can't believe this has happened b/c this just isn't him. i don't know if the people he was around at the station had any influence on him or not ( it was mainly a bunch of people in rock bands), but they were his actions and he should have been able to say NO. i suer would have.
i don't know about the lie detector test. i'm going to ask him when he gets home from work and see what he says. i wouldn't even know how to go about getting one done, or even how much they would cost. any ideas?
well, thanks, julie

Go over all his computer stuff with him sitting next to you ... have him open all his accounts, and give you all the passwords.

Look at the history of every site he goes to.

If he's not doing porn, he's less likely to have SA.

Look over all the phone records.
Same with all credit card records.

His entire life needs to be naked to your eyes... then you know what is what.

I hope and pray your instincts are RIGHT!!!

Pep

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

hey PEP, i found out his e-mail pass already (he doesn't know) and i have checked it about 10 times a day for the past month. i haven't found anything. i also have his instant message pass. and the only people on there are 2 close friends that we both know. we don't have any credit cards, and our phone bill doesn't have any unusual #'s on it. (we don't have a cell phone).
he did have some pics on the computer, of actresses that he liked, nothing like porn, but he said if i want them gone he will get rid of them. he even let me hit delete, and showed me that they were gone. he emptied them from the recycle bin and everything. they weren't even really irty, i just wanted to see if he would erase them.
when he is on the computer i am usually to where i can see what he is doing. i call his school to make sure he is there and when he leaves (i know the secretary) belive me, i feel like i follow him around all day. can you think of anything else i should do? open to any suggestions, b/c i definitely want to be sure. julie