I have posted on JFO and have not received many responses, so I thought I would post here. Its under "lost her". Well I have not heard from WW in 2 weeks because she is on a road trip with OP. She sent me a TXT M last night that said "S---- says he is God". How the he** do you respond to that? She is so into the fog. I have filed for D. She says she can't what to get home to sign the papers. What should I do next? I love and care for my W with all my heart and soul. But alot of me says to go ahead with D and forget about her. Let her figure out how screwed up she is. Thats hard to do. Its is so hard to watch the one that you love hurt themselves. She just doesn't know that yet. But at the same time I can not make her do anything or see what she is doing. This sucks. Any suggestions would be great. Is it time for P B, or should I just D her? It only takes 30 days for D to happen where i live.

I suggest you cease the divorce proceedings, unless you want a divorce. It sounds like you don't.

As soon as possible, tell her you're stopping the divorce proceedings because you don't want one. Tell her you're interested in salvaging your marriage. Do all this as calmly as you can. If she gets angry or laughs in your face, bite your lip.

The strategy here is to buy time. If OM claims to be God, won't be long before this aura wears off. Allow her to file for divorce and take all the actions necessary to continue her fantasy. Don't help her. Understand?

Children?

In the meantime, get hot on Plan A, order the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs - both by Harley. They're available at the bookstore on this site or most any on-line bookseller.

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 06:30 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I agree with WAT,,, you have said you love your wife and want to repair your marriage,, u cannot repair your marriage by divorcing. Try not to show her that you are hurting,,IE,, be confident, no LB,, if you want to save your marriage show her that you are a strong man with high morals. Let her think of you this way and not as a hurt depressed love busting man, show her there is something to go back to,, she may feel that she has broke you down so bad that you can never be the man she fell in love with again. Prove her wrong. It is not easy especially when her actions are hurting you so bad that you sink down into sorrow. One thing I did wrong in coping with my wifes OM was letting it turn me into a man that no woman would ever want. The only way I have found myself recovering and wife wanting me is to take care of myself first. Go out with friends, do recreational stuff if any kids then be a devoting father, all of this can help you get yourself emotionally repaired and to being the man she truly desires. I only say this to you because it was the mistake I made,, I tried to allways let my wife know she hurt me,, I was cold to her even when she wanted me. Was this natural to do based on the hurt I felt??? yes, but it drove my wife away from me, even as guilty as she felt for the betrayal, she felt I was permanantly damaged and not a man she could be happy with. When you have to vent do it here,, when you have to hurt do not do it in your wifes presence. I hope this will help lift the fog and let her see you as her husband and not as the man she destroyed.

worthatry

No I do not want a D. I am very much in love with WW and would like to work things out. I have Surviving an Affair and HSHN, read them both several times. Until last night I have not said anything bad to her. I have bit my lip so much. But last night I called her every name in the book. That was after she said he was God. It felt good at the time to say those things, but today I feel terribile. We do not have any kids, but were working on that until this happened. She wants to be a mother so bad I feel that is one reason she had A. We have been trying for 3 years. Question, how do I plan A with her when she lives with OP, and have little to no contact with her? We did email each other for awhile mostly about bills and not us. But that has stopped about 3 weeks ago. She doesn't want to talk to me at all. That is why I told her about D. She finnally responded with something. And also am not sure how to stop D when papers have been filed. Sometimes I just want to get this over with and move on with my life, but then there are times I would really like to stick it out. This is really conflicting to me. Her being cold and insensitive(sp) does not help any. Writing on this post seems to comfort me for some reason. Well got to go to work.

The D can be easily stopped. Just ask your attorney to stop it! If you somehow started this without an attorney, go get one to get advice as well as to get started on protecting your assets.

You can Plan A by yourself to the extent you identify all the bad juju you brought to the marriage. Identify your contributions and fix them - make changes in yourself.

Then whenever, you get the chance to interface with her, display your confidence and worth. Demonstrate your improvements. No, you likely won't get to fill too many ENs, but at least stop making withdrawals via angry outbursts and disrespectful judgements.

Time is on your side. You have NO REASON to be in a hurry - except to stop the divorce and protect yourself financially.

God-man is very, very, very likely a flash in the pan. Any port in a storm. A convenient idiot. The drug of choice.

You, on the other hand, are reality. A rock. Stay squarely atop the moral high ground and no matter how this turns out, you will be a better man.

WAT

worthatry

Yes I do have an attorney. Part of the problem is finances. She has stopped making payments on every thing, probably to spend money on OP since he has nothing, not even a car. I will have to file for bankruptcy soon. She doesn't care about that. She says go ahead and do it. I have been doing alot of soul searching the last couple of months. I know that I was not giving her enough attention and showing much affection. It was like we were room mates. Part of that was because she has been talking to him or seeing him for 3 years. That is why I don't think this will end anytime soon. But also this is the most time they have spent together in those 3 years. Most of whatever they had was over the phone. I think her fog is to thick to lift, I don't know. Also she has done this before with her first H. They were only M 10 months. At least we lasted 5 1/2 years. I know that by being strong for myself I will be a better man, person in the long run. No matter how this turns out.

Well, if you have to file bankruptcy, go ahead and do it. I did it last year, when WH left with OW, and stopped paying bills.

It was a big relief.

Your other option is to cut your losses, continue the divorce, and start over.

Not all marriages should be salvaged.

If she did this before with her first H, she may have character flaws or personality disorders that you could battle for a long, long time after her affair ends. Maybe God-man is fixing them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You're young with plenty of opportunities lkely in the future.

Only you can make this decision.

What The,
Sorry to be the downer here but, Man do I feel your pain. My wife has cheated on me many times so I have some insight as to where you are. Notice I said many times. I filed divorce once about 7 yrs ago, then pulled out at the last minute, to salvage our marriage. Many times since then I have wished I had gone ahead with it. We are currently in counseling for her recent infidelity. All this pain and my wife says she loves me, yours wants out. Don't invest too much time in a failing relationship. Don't stay with her because your scared of divorce. you can rebuild your life. As a poster told me once, respect yourself enough to get out.
I'm really sorry for your pain.
Rich

God-man is a loser and a player. I don't know him personally but people who do say he is not a very good person. And that he is just useing her for whatever he wants, and when he has had enough he will just leave. I don't know. WW came from a broken family. She is doing exactly what her mother did. I know this because I have talked to her mother about this. Her mother has talked to me without me asking anything. She has told me that she doesn't know what to say or do to make WW see the light. She doesn't want her daughter to be lonely and unhappy the rest of her life like she is. WW does have mental problems I believe. She won't own up to her own actions or feelings.

Hmmm. Did you ever see a doctor about infertility problems? What if she gets pregant by this loser?

What The,
I've often wondered what would have happened if I had divorced my wife years ago. I bet we would have gotten back together. I love her and she says she loves me. I never made her pay, nor was she ever punished in any way for her cheating. There fore she continued, why not.... continue, all that excitement and no price to pay when your done. I'm thinking that if I had divorced her, that slap in the face would have opened her eyes to what she was doing and what the consequences of cheating are. If you divorce your wife you can still be there for her. You can offer her strength and support. At the same time you can get on with your life, sort of. If she returns to you, then she has learned a lesson, if she dose not return.. your better off.
Rich

believer
Yes we have been to the Dr. I have a problem that needs surgery to fix. That is one reason I went to Kuwait to work. Our insurance does not cover this. From what I understand WW had PA shortly after Drs. visit. I think she was trying to get pregnant by someone else and let me raise a child not knowing it wasn't mine. I have thought about this since the very beginning of all this. I did ask her a couple of weeks ago if she was pregnant and she said "No I'm not that stupid".

NorCalRich
This is exactly what I am trying to decide. Part of me wants to leave to show her I don't need her, and maybe this will wake her up. But then I want to stay and show her I am that rock. Just very confusing right now.

I think one of the mistakes you are making is You feel you have to divorce before you head down the road,,,, not true get yourself mentally in shape and emotionally in shape first then decide if the divorce is the only option. Hit the weights,,, when something I see triggers my flashbacks if I just sit around I'll stay in the dumps,, an intense weight training program is an excellent counter measure. Turn the sterio up and take all of those feelings out on your weight set. After you finish take a shower put on some of your best duds and go do something,, anything you enjoy,, play a sport,, hang with a buddy,,, be with family. If the marriage is over by the time you decide or she decides to file you will be in a greater state of mind,, and probably by then you will truly know what you want to do with your life.

eric n.
I don't feel like I have to head down that road before divorce. I think I am already down that road. I love my wife very much and would love nothing more than spending the rest of my life with her. But I don't know if that will ever happen. The way she is acting doesn't sound that way. She has recently told a mutual friend that she feels like she is in love with 2 different people. Whatever that means. She does say that she loves me and cares about me, but is not in love with me. If she really cared she would do the right thing and leave OP and work on M.

Man, your situation sounds very similar to mine in ways. I also love my WW dearly but am contemplating just divorcing her. It has been a month now and she has been cold-hearted and cruel to me off and on since I exposed the affair. She even brought the OM to our church last Sunday (fortunately I wasn't there). What I have been doing is just letting her completely be with this guy in hopes that it will fizzle out quickly with him only to meet her emotional needs. May not work, but worth a try. I feel like my wife has died and her body has been taken over by an alien or something. That is making me lose feelings for her. As far as the BK thing, it just shows how far in the fog and selfish she is being. She is so caught up in what she is doing that it's like she can't even care about you, but I am sure it will fade in time when reality hits her. She is favoring this guy over you now, but she will realize that he is not perfect soon when she has to rely on him only for her EN. That IMO is inevitable. I would just give it some time and let her do the divorce if she really wants it so bad. Let it all be on her so she can't say that you divorced her as some kind of excuse. She went down the dark road and you can still take the high road. I have been taking the high road as much as possible. Only said about three mean things to her thru all of this (which I probably shouldn't have even said) and for the most part have just told her how much I love her.

juke1225
Thanks for the reply. Sorry you are in this crazy stuff too. OP is a truck driver. He is gone 2 weeks at a time and home only 2 or 3 days then gone again. I was hoping that WW beening in that truck with OP for 2 weeks would make her think about what she is doing. It doesn't look that way. Who knows, she maybe putting on a false front. One thing I have noticed is that she acts totally different when he is around. When he is gone she seems to be better. It hard to tell because there really is no communication. If their is any its me doing it. I was constantly emailing her everyday. I am sure when she gets back and looks at her email she will be expecting a ton of them. Suprise there isn't any, not one. I also not said anything mean to her until last night. I don't think she notices that I am being nice to her.

So she goes on the trips with him? I still think you have somewhat of an advantage because of his profession. That may get old fast. My situation stinks because this guy is a marine who was just in the war and has disibility pay for a slight back injury. He doesn't even work. he is always there. On the other hand that may be a good thing because the more time together the faster the fizzle IMO. The chemical illusion can only last so long. The lack of contact from you will get to her head and make her think. I know it's getting to my wife because she keeps doing things that she knows will get back to me. I was calling her and emailing her a lot for weeks, but it was really backfiring on me. the non contact has made my life soo much better. I almost feel normal again. Still, the reality of it gives me the creeps when I really think about it. i wouldn't even look at pictures of her or anything for the time being. Let your heart heal some and focus on treating yourself good for now.

juke1225
I don't think either of us has an advatage. My WW has been involved with someone her whole life. She has never been single or lived by herself. I think she is getting that now and likes it. Besides she still gets to have sex. I would think that in your situation the chemical illusion can only last so long and by being together all the time it might get old faster than you think. At first it was hard to not call or email her, but now it is much easier. I have been dealing with call hang ups with phone numbers I don't know. This didn't start until 6 weeks into this. Now if it is a number I don't know I don't answer. Your right about calling and emailing all the time. It does backfire. It also doesn't make the BS feel any better. I have said everything I could to her. Now its up to her. Does your WW at least talk to you? Mine doesn't.

My WW is the same. She has always gone from relationship to relationship. Partly it's her and partly the fact that she is very pretty there is always someone waiting wanting to get with her. I just think that the trucking lifestyle may get old to her because she is not used to it. I don't know. Yeah I have gotton hang ups etc. Not lately though. She has stopped calling me, but she does leave notes at the house when she picks up her mail sometimes. We have only talked for about one hour total about what has happened. Talking about the affair was like holding a crucifix in front of a vampire. She just backpedals. She is running away instead of dealing with her problems. That is something she has done in the past also, but usually she snaps out of it. I really dread speaking with her at this point. I feel the same as you. Like I have said what I could and the ball is in her court. the only power I have had in this has been to stop talking with her. Everyone I have talked to says that the WW will most likely try to come back at some point. that includes former WW's I have talked to. Not just on this site, but people we know. The question is will we want them back or feel anything for them at that point? I don't know. It could be a month from now or 6. Or even after divorce. Hey, if you ever want to email me to chat: juke1225@hotmail.com