Today is a dark day for me..... I just want to cry.... I want to just be sad today.. I want to let goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo of myself and just fall into nothingness.. I don't want to fight for anything....
I want to fall into nothingnesssssssssssss.....

Another rollercoaster ride...maybe I should go out, and buy myself something... but no...I don't even have the strenght to do that because I am PITIFUL!!!!!!!!!

Awww, sweetie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It doesn't sound like you're beating yourself up for being down, and that's a good thing. Sometimes you just have to experience the bad days, and the grief, and anger, and all the negativity. It has to come out sometimes.

Did something in particular happen, or is this just a down-in-the-dumps everything-is-overwhelming-you day?

Can you take the afternoon off? Treat yourself to a bubblebath with candles?

I think I will cry with you today. I'm feeling sad as well. Another down the hill day on my rollercoaster ride.

I think you should go buy yourself something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Something chocolate, sorry that is my self medicating talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Huruda, girl. you are always so up beat. What happened? I have those dark day too. But less freqent now. My solutionis to sleep, pr call someone to talk. Please come here, we will all help you out. I know that you are not in US, where are you? Can uyou tell me somethiing around you?

as I am so dramatic......i roll down all my shutters, close the drapes and fall into my darkest physically......I am listening to Seal. and I couldn't cry....but I am now.. its releif..

I am overwhelmed~~....I trust noone... not even my family, not my friends.. noone, I have noone~!!~ I wanted to go back to my meditation, which I did for a while in the US, but I can't concentrate enough to meditate, .....I wore all the golden stuff I have.. my mom bought them.. I guess that's the only way she show me she loves me.. by buying me jewlries maybe.. maybe I do not understand anything about life....I also wrote to my brother...no answer yet.. I guess they hate me now...they have all reasons to hate me, I'm a horrible sister, daughter, wife.....everything.. i'm even horrible to myself.. I always say I am nto selfish, but I am.. I think I am. Today is another 11 for me... I met my husband on an 11th, we got married on a 11th, he cheated on me on the 11th.. and so on on and on on on..

I am tired....my brain is overworked...I pour a glass of wine, but I left it in the fridge because I don't want to do this to myself.. you know.

Lost, I live in Brussels, I do not have many friends here, and all my friends are in USA, and I can only talk to them at night because of the timeframe....my H is at work....and I'm most of the time alone....a lot of time to myself which most of the time I enjoyed.. it has always been like this for me.. I like to be alone, but not lonely... I am not lonely, but.. I'overwhelm and do not know how to express myself... I don't know how...

I am not the type to say " I want this, and that.." I just do things.. and I never want anyone's help... but right now, i'm running of fuel............

Ok I've worn you guys out already....
thanks for listening though

<strong>and I'm most of the time alone....a lot of time to myself which most of the time I enjoyed.. it has always been like this for me.. I like to be alone, but not lonely.</strong>

What kind of hobbies do you have, Harudah?

Please keep talk ing to us here. I know those moments, you feel the endless darkness, a bottomless hole, a hopeless thought. Hard to decribe, but I know what it is like. I wish I am close to you and give you a hug, so you can touch something real. I am sending you a hug. {{{{{{{{{Hurudah}}}}}}}}

thanks...

well turtle... most of my hobbies do not include other people... beleive it or not, I write a lot.. I am working on some short stories. I dance, but I do not have a club for that anymore.. and most of my days used to be my studies and work, since I am not working or going to school at the moment.....

I read a lot...........a bit too much maybe. I made litlle flash cartoons because I'm a nerd! but uhmm most of my activities do not include others, because I was an only child for a long time and I've learned to be alone and even though I have 3 younger brothers, my monotone still stays with me. I do not do things that include another people.......sad huh?

but I am not lonely you know...just alone... and maybe having other people around would help me forget and move foward a bit, but I refrain from hanging out with people..which is weird.. I get some people here asking me to come for drinks, but I say no....I don't know why I do that, but that's how I am.

Lost, thanks for talking to me, I guess sometimes I guess I need to know someone is listening to my blabbers its easier her to write than to talk about my feelings.. funny thingis that my mother in law is a good listener, she would listens to all I say right now without any critics.. I know her, but I am not very open to anyone.....online is so much easier.. only person I was open with lost my trust.......and I don't know if he'll ever get it back...and heknows it...

God, don't drink wine. You sound like you are on overdrive now. Time to start good talk to the self. You know anyone can just pound themselves with all of the bad vibes and get to feeling low. I think most of us have been there and done that...

So, you must clear the air around you. And work on perhaps some stretches, a walk? Do you have someone to walk with, a pet? (why I have a couple puppies- err they are grown dogs, but I baby them...)

You sound like you are worked up and when we do that, the adrenaline rushes, and then it drops, kind of like a drugging affect. You just need to meditate, a prayer to God, helped me immensely during my crisis stage(s)...And exercise helps ....and eating good food - less the junk, more protein, fiber, good fruits and vegies...Go to the grocery store, buy nice fresh baked bread, a bouquet of lovely flowers- just for you! I have gotten into these kinds of habits, quit the wine - which just dragged me down more...it is a depressant you know. Replace wine with good juices, water...hot chocolate...

When you make an agenda, write the things you wish to achieve, and work at them one by one.

Eventually circumstances work out, but they work out best if we work on a plan.

What exactly is ailing you Harudah? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Harudah,

i am very sorry you are feeling this way today. i just said a prayer for you. for peace and strength to see some light today even thru the dark. keep posting, so many here understand and can help you if you let them.

Carn, I do all these "healthy things" all week, that's what I do..take care of me.. but some days I can't take it anymore.. I feel like I am pretending all day long to be happy... I have couple of flowers that I bought to myself funny you mentioned...

I'm on oatmeal most of the time.. I love to cook so I never eat junk food! It's not good for me anyways since I have intestinal problems and might need surgery in the future... As far as taking care of me.. I do... but today.. things just blew..a ctually.. I had plans for today.. I wanted to go get my new cellphone from the electronic store that I ordered...and my H left the credit card so I could go shopping..

then all of a sudden...just.....I crash....my brain just turned into water..

I write down the goals that I have for the day. Check off what I do as it is done. I get some exercise at lunch time. Sometimes the H and I get to walk together and the dogs. But it is back to work and finish those goals.

I count my blessings and look at them wide eyed, and be glad. And know that when things go wrong that they do not stay the same, as we work on things day by day.

I pray deeply when troubled. I ask for help and say thank-you for my abilities, gifts that I have and family. I pray for each one. It helps to think of other people and their plights and pray for those things too.

We live in a small world. WE all have burdens, but we can make them better.

harudah -

Sorry you are feeling bad. But sometimes it is good to just grieve. I light candles and play music and just give into the grief.

The marriage you had is gone. The husband you had is gone. So time to grieve them.

Later you can begin working on a new marriage, with your husband. You can forgive him. He did a weak and stupid thing. But people make mistakes.

One very important thing is this, YOU are not alone. Many of us have been there. I remember saying those words you said - before I found this site..."I am all alone, I have noone" And it was very dark time for me. I went and bought myself the first puppy for this family. I love pets. They add on immeasurable work, but the love is really healthy for my children as well. The marriage, well it went through its overhaul, as it was well needed.

But it did improve, and I thank God for the times we share now. I don't feel all alone anymore.

Editing in: Do you have a doctor, counselor...I might go take a visit there if I were feeling this way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: cardinal ]</small>

Harudah,

I know exactly what you mean about being alone but not lonely. Cardinal has dogs - do you have a dog? You can enroll in an obedience course which is great for you *and* your dog. It forces you out of the house and even though other people are there you don't really interact with them much - you're too busy focusing on your dog.

I do genealogy (when I have time). You might like that. I'm a nerd, too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You get to spend time poring over old records and putting a puzzle together. It's great solitary fun! If you're interested in that I'll send you some links to get you started. There's a lot of info on the 'net these days.

I'm calm now guys.... but still feel sad, but I'll be ok... I did take my medicine too early though.. suppose to take it before bed, but I thought right now.. I needed and fast. I am calm....not going crazy.. and wanting to fall...but I can barely see what I am writing sorry if I make a lot of mistakes.. remember I speak 4 languages, and sometimes I may make huge mistake or mix things specially with these meds..

thank you so much...... thank you for talking to me...

harudah -

You have done a great job through all of this, and I have high hopes for you and your husband. It just takes a little working through. You are smart and can do this.

Thanks beleiver........thank you guys.. I just came back from a long weekend. My H again decided he would take off from work.. this happens all the time now.... He wants to hang out more.. yeah we've been having more fun, but this doesn't stop my internal struggles.

On the physical, I am schedule for another colonscopy on the 21st.......I've been having internal bleedings... which I take seriously. so I am on a "diet" for this colonscopy.....wish me luck... they want to see more...... I'm a bit worried.. but I am trying to relax these last few days. I am doing more research on distant learning.. driving me nuts! since I have been spending so much time in the hospital, I am thinking of just being a radiologist and get it over it. ha ha

big hugs.

Harudah,

Prayer for you.

harudah - Good luck with your procedure. I'm sure it has something to do with stress. Seems like you are doing better. Continue on.