What do you think about doing that? Are you willing to do what it takes to recover your M? What if that includes no contact with any other friends... men and women alike?

Would you drop all of your friends for the sake of recovery?

I remember reading on this site, or right in SAA, that in some circumstances, it is necessary to up and move the entire family and start afresh, in order to start a new, good, and solid marital foundation after an A.

When I started recovery with my H, as much as I didn't want to drop my friends, I also knew that I wanted my M more. I was willing to have NC with my family too, if that's what it took to keep my M together. Of course, I insisted on him doing the same. I was even willing to discontinue internet service (which meant no MB!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), if it would help us in our recovery.

How about you? What would you do? What have you done? Any comments or suggestions or "aha" moments you'd like to share? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

Hi Karen,

I think this one (like many) depend on your value system. If you believe (and I do) that marriage is the most important relationship we can have in with another person in this life, then moving, giving up friends, or family would be worth it.

This is one of those times where the PoJA would be very valueable. I can see real problems if one person is willing to sacrifice, and the other won't give up anything.

The other side of this shows up in posts sometimes - where we (we meaning those that give advice on MB) suggest that giving up jobs and moving away would help, and THE BS says: "no way, I have a good job, I don't know if this will work, I am not giving up my job/family/friends/favorite golf course (or what have you.)"

It could be that by the time the suggestion is made their LB is so low that they see little value in trying to save their relationship.

It could be that they value other things more, and always did, and that their value system contributed to the break down of their marriage and prevented it from being saved. In other words, their job, other same sex friends, or family loyalties always got in the way of the marriage and that's why the WS checked out in the first place.

Interresting to think about.

Hope you are doing well this week. Hows all the kids?

SS

I know in Dr. Laura's book the 10 stupidist things woman do to screw up their lives there is a chapter about not willing to give up a friend.
It's not about infidelity but it is about putting a single person above your spouse. I think we can all agree on that point. But as far as giving everyone up, I'm too broken for that at this point.

I think both the BS and WS should try to be reasonable about dropping friends and family. After reading the book Not Just Friends, my wife and I have agreed to only have friends of the marriage and that she will never have close personal male friends again. In my wife’s case she had friends that helped her cheat and she cheated with close male friends. Dropping those people was very reasonable. However, I think dropping friends who have been friends of the marriage is unreasonable. If the spouse has not had problems with close friends of the opposite sex, then maybe the reasonable thing to do is maintain the friendship. For example, if the cheating was a one night stand when drunk but her best friend in the whole world is a guy who told her he could not be her friend unless she told the BS the truth then the friend should not be dropped. Our rule of thumb has been that any friends who knew about the affair and did not tell my wife to choose them or the truth are out. Hope this helps.

I can only imagine giving up friends or family if they were truly interfering with the marriage. I also don't think I've ever put someone else's needs in front of my H (with the exception of children), unless there was an obviously greater need, and the only situation like that I can remember is when my dad was dying. Of course, H never expressed any bad feelings about that. Personally, I feel that if someone expresses wishes for their spouse to cut off contact with friends or family (that are not truly interfering in the marriage), it is a sign of controlling, maybe even abusive behavior, and a sign of a bigger issue.

It's quite possible that my opinion on this subject is because of my 1st M. Exh was controlling and abusive, and I let him succeed in alienating me from friends and family, leaving me with no support system.

Karen ...

Same sex freinds are good but opposite sex freinds could be an issues. If you let 3rd party fillin your needs you are risking your M, this is 100% to be avoided (put your guard up). You need to POJA this issues also SO needs to learn and guide each other in fillin each other needs.

In my case, Dv'ed and looking ... I will automatically dropped going out 1-on-1 with opposite sex freind as soon as I am building R with someone. I will automatically stay away from going out 1-on-1 with my female freinds as soon as she has love interest on someone.

-rh-

What a timely question.

A little more than a year ago I gave up four people who I loved very much. Lost relationships, love, friendhips, a great deal.

I let them go for the sake of my marriage, and each knew ahead of time (and admired) that I would choose my marriage over them all. That is, now, a very painful thing. It appears, though one never knows the future, that I have neither the spouse whom I loved... nor the others I also loved. Yet I have kept the promise, and just today sent my WP a request that she reconsider that promise with regard to one friend in particular.

She may well think I'm a nut. So be it... the other choice is to break a promise, and I prefer not to do that to my own integrity.

ss: thanks for your input. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The boys are all doing great. OS is going to be graduating from Junior Kindergarten next Friday. I'll be bringing my camera. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think in my situation, my H definitely valued others more than the M or I.

walkingoneggs: I can totally see how a woman would refuse to give up a friend. In my case, that's because some of my closest female friends have been around since grade school.. long before I ever met my stbxH.

August1972: I like your "rule of thumb". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just as ss said, I guess it all depends on the couple's value systems.

luvbird: I can see your point on it being a controlling issue for some. I think it was that way in my M too... but didn't see it until I was out of it. In my case, my H was more than willing to suggest that "I" get rid of friends and family, but for him to do the same was unreasonable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

redhat: Same sex friends can be huge issues as well though. I went through that with my ex and his "buddy guy friend". I think that's great that you've created that boundary for your dating life. It's awesome that you're prepared for protecting it right from the get-go. Thanks to MB of course! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

Just-J: Yours is an interesting point too. Once my M was for sure over, I never considered that the agreements to let some people "go" would continue, as I believed it was a condition of the M only. I don't even know what plan, if any, you're in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I can see that if you're in plan A, you would want to continue with NC. Even in plan B. But if the R is done, then I don't see how the promise still counts. Then again, this goes back to the personal values of each individual involved, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen